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Original poster

I did a thing. Was it bad?

507 replies

turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:23

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 14/10/2021 07:46

I find it weird people are focused on the anonymity and fascination and not on the fact that a betrayed woman now knows what she's dealing with and is therefore empowered to make all her next choices based on the truth.
Op has already said that was her motive and was surprised to feel anything more, and yet there are so many people totally convinced if they did it they'd only feel stoic duty and not a flicker of anything else. Op would have said the same. It goes against the grain of human nature to not be a bit gripped by this sort of thing.

Fraine · 14/10/2021 07:50

@DrSbaitso

So the only time it's not worth it is when it leads to bad consequences for you?

Well that poster lost a friend for speaking up, so not worth it for her.

TrishM80 · 14/10/2021 07:52

Call me a "pearl clutcher" but I couldn't derive pleasure from chucking a hand grenade into 3 (practical) strangers' lives, sitting back and watching it explode for my own entertainment.

I dunno, maybe I'm the fucking weird one, who knows.....

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2021 07:54

@TopCatsTopHat

I find it weird people are focused on the anonymity and fascination and not on the fact that a betrayed woman now knows what she's dealing with and is therefore empowered to make all her next choices based on the truth. Op has already said that was her motive and was surprised to feel anything more, and yet there are so many people totally convinced if they did it they'd only feel stoic duty and not a flicker of anything else. Op would have said the same. It goes against the grain of human nature to not be a bit gripped by this sort of thing.
Really? So the fact she calls the ow her friend, is sitting enjoying watching her suffer, for you is irrelevant? She used a confidence from a friend against her and now realises she doesn’t care about her?

For you that’s the decent thing? It’s not for me.

DFOD · 14/10/2021 07:57

Are you the OW OP?

I am wondering how you know so much detail about the fall-out if you are not close friends with the OW?

Other than that I have seen loads of threads on here and unanimously anyone who has been cheated on wished that they had been told and a huge part of the pain of discovery was knowing that others knew. So I think you did the right thing.

I also think anonymous is correct in the long run for everyone as the messenger can be a distraction and a target.

Are you worried that the OW will work out it was you? Will you come clean if she does.

I also have no issue with you being emotionally satisfied that the cheaters are all in a spin getting their comeuppance. I suspect that you had no idea of the outcome - she may have not believed it, or kept quiet or quietly dismantled the relationship. You getting so close to see and experience the fallout is v unusual - that’s why I am wondering if you are the OW that he wouldn’t leave for?

Peggytheredhen · 14/10/2021 08:01

My first reaction was that you shouldn't have got involved. But I have also been cheated on and the feeling of knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what is so awful. I would rather have received an anonymous letter than spend those few months feeling like I was going crazy, then feeling I was the last to know.

SamMil · 14/10/2021 08:01

I'm quite surprised at some of the comments here. I don't think you are being a knob at all? If my partner was cheating, I would want to know. The person being a knob is the guy cheating, not you!

SofiaMichelle · 14/10/2021 08:02

You did the right thing, OP.

Fuck the cheating fuckers!

mowglika · 14/10/2021 08:06

Great work OP! Ignore pp saying it was bad. It certainly wasn’t the cuntiest thing you could do, I rather think the bf and OW can take that prize Hmm

The gf deserved to be told but as is the way, they always shoot the messenger so good job doing it this way. Can’t believe the number of heartless people who would stay quiet over this, it’s embarrassing

GreyCarpet · 14/10/2021 08:11

I don't know.

I was in a similiarish position. In my case, the man is my 'friend'.

I know he lives with his partner but one night he came to the pub with a woman I'd never seen before. Got talking to her and it was clear that she thought he'd split up with his partner and now considered herself his new girlfriend.

I asked her if she was sure they'd split up because, as far as I was knew they were still together.

I knew they were because he'd only just been allowed to move back home after spending a week sleeping in his car after the last time he'd cheated on her.

His partner knows he cheats repeatedly so there'd be nothing to gain from telling her but I didn't want an innocent woman getting drawn into the mess.

She wasn't happy and dramatically 'dumped' him in the pub and thanked me for telling her.

He was bemoaning the fact someone had ratted him out - I just said, "Gosh that's awful, yes, who would do such a thing?"

I'm not going to stand by and let some bloke make a fool out of two women. And yes, I did get a sense of satisfaction at him having his arse handed to him in a pub full of people.

WaltzingBetty · 14/10/2021 08:16

Really? So the fact she calls the ow her friend, is sitting enjoying watching her suffer, for you is irrelevant? She used a confidence from a friend against her and now realises she doesn’t care about her?

Are you practicing for a creative writing class @Bluntness100 ? Or just lashing out to try and distract from the fact that you use the safety of this anonymous forum to sanctimoniously berate and criticise others?
Honestly, you sound really unpleasant.

dworky · 14/10/2021 08:18

You did the right thing by the women, irrespective of the reason you did it.

GreyCarpet · 14/10/2021 08:23

I'd rather be told.

I wouldn't really care about the motivation of whoever told me largely because it's rarely done to humiliate the partner and is generally done out of anger/indignation at the cheater's behaviour.

And if one person knows, it's likely others do too.

I can't imagine the sort of disregard it would take to be sitting at home with someone who loves you knowing that last night you were out shagging someone else.

I'd rather know if someone valued me so little.

butterpuffed · 14/10/2021 08:23

If the OW isn't a major friend of yours , OP , how do you know they had unprotected sex ???

I wouldn't be surprised if you know one, two or all of the three.

VitalsStable · 14/10/2021 08:24

I've done it before, I wish more people would have the guts to be blunt and honest when they find out this kind of thing is going on.

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2021 08:26

@WaltzingBetty

Really? So the fact she calls the ow her friend, is sitting enjoying watching her suffer, for you is irrelevant? She used a confidence from a friend against her and now realises she doesn’t care about her?

Are you practicing for a creative writing class @Bluntness100 ? Or just lashing out to try and distract from the fact that you use the safety of this anonymous forum to sanctimoniously berate and criticise others?
Honestly, you sound really unpleasant.

You know when you resort to personal attacks you loose the high ground right?
ainsisoisje · 14/10/2021 08:32

If you don't know the OW that well and the GF barely at all what on earth gave you the cajones to do that?! And why are you so invested in some people you don't know that well? It sounds like you have enjoyed a feeling of righteous behaviour but really it was all about you. Yes him having an affair is/was wrong. I'm not sure that I'd want to know from some complete random this information.

CheekyHobson · 14/10/2021 08:35

@NiceGerbil

What do you mean by where we all and are doing?

You, and I, and everyone else on this thread, are on an internet forum filled with other people's dramas which we can engage with from a safe, uninvolved distance. You (and I, etc) clicked on the title of a thread called "I did a bad thing" and proceeded to roll up sleeves and opine on something that's nothing to with us.

Why do you think it's 'pearl clutching' to think it's totally shit to watch other people's drama unfold? With a feeling of 'delight'?

Are you suggesting you are deriving absolutely zero pleasure out of reading about and offering your opinions on someone else's dramatic life? If you're not enjoying it, what are you doing here?

These are real people it's not a bloody soap.

Very high horse you have there! This is what I find hilarious, you tut-tutting about someone getting involved in the drama when you can't see you're doing exactly the same thing, just at one remove.

WaltzingBetty · 14/10/2021 08:38

You know when you resort to personal attacks you loose the high ground right?

Are you on the wind-up? Confused

You realise you've done nothing but personally attack the OP right @Bluntness100 ?

DrSbaitso · 14/10/2021 08:38

Is anyone else finding it hilarious that people are repeating this line on an anonymous forum where people take a form of entertainment giving and taking advice about people's personal lives.

We're offering opinions after they are invited by another anonymous person, who doesn't have to act on any of them. It's vastly different to popping up in someone's real life, dropping a irreversible bomb on them and never letting them know we did it, allowing others to take the blame for it and protecting only ourselves from the fallout.

DrSbaitso · 14/10/2021 08:40

@GreyCarpet

I don't know.

I was in a similiarish position. In my case, the man is my 'friend'.

I know he lives with his partner but one night he came to the pub with a woman I'd never seen before. Got talking to her and it was clear that she thought he'd split up with his partner and now considered herself his new girlfriend.

I asked her if she was sure they'd split up because, as far as I was knew they were still together.

I knew they were because he'd only just been allowed to move back home after spending a week sleeping in his car after the last time he'd cheated on her.

His partner knows he cheats repeatedly so there'd be nothing to gain from telling her but I didn't want an innocent woman getting drawn into the mess.

She wasn't happy and dramatically 'dumped' him in the pub and thanked me for telling her.

He was bemoaning the fact someone had ratted him out - I just said, "Gosh that's awful, yes, who would do such a thing?"

I'm not going to stand by and let some bloke make a fool out of two women. And yes, I did get a sense of satisfaction at him having his arse handed to him in a pub full of people.

If he was taking the new woman down to the local, it's really his own fault for being so stupid!
WaltzingBetty · 14/10/2021 08:40

@WaltzingBetty

You know when you resort to personal attacks you loose the high ground right?

Are you on the wind-up? Confused

You realise you've done nothing but personally attack the OP right @Bluntness100 ?

I'd love to understand why you consider vicious name calling and judgement of another's actions to not be a personal attack, but pointing out that vicious name-calling as unpleasant is Confused
Gardenfish · 14/10/2021 08:41

Why are people more focusing on OP’s letter writing, and not the boyfriend for cheating? Or him now blaming the other women? Or sympathy for the victim.

There’s lots of reason why someone may not want to put their name to that letter. OP has posted because their not sure if they have done the right thing now and is being honest about mixed feelings.

But even so, why are we more negatively vocal and more forced on the letter writer, than the cheating boyfriend?

Lovemusic33 · 14/10/2021 08:42

I do t think OP is evil.

How would you feel if you gp found out your DP had been cheating for months/years and people knew about it a long time before you did? If your friends knew?

I would rather know the truth than Continue dating a ass hole.

She will get over it and move on as will the other woman.

DrSbaitso · 14/10/2021 08:43

Why are people more focusing on OP’s letter writing

Because we're answering the question she's asked us.

There’s lots of reason why someone may not want to put their name to that letter.

Yes, and they're all self serving.