Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I did a thing. Was it bad?

507 replies

turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:23

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 14/10/2021 09:41

@HeartsAndClubs

Comparing the OP to a whistleblower is crass in the extreme, and is an insult to those situations where the genuine welfare of others is of real concern.

This isn’t a case of the OP being concerned about anyone here. It’s about her wanting a thrill but not wanting to own it, to send an anonymous letter to someone she doesn’t know, while at the same time maintaining a friendship with the person she has stabbed in the back, why? So she doesn’t miss the fun of the fallout maybe?

So what if the messenger gets shot? What’s most important here? If the OP really objects so morally to this affair then she will sacrifice the friendship of the OW so the right thing is done.

Nobody who sends anonymous tipoffs does so for the right reasons. It’s cowardly and gutless.

Nobody is directly comparing it to whistleblowing. People are using whistleblowing as an example as to why "always own everything you ever say" is stupid.
ShrillSiren · 14/10/2021 09:43

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Cheaters deserve all they get as far as I'm concerned. I feel sorry for the girlfriend but she was already being betrayed by someone she trusted and at least she has all the information about her own relationship now.

Of course signing your name to it would have been the better option but I can completely understand why you wouldn't as the bearer of bad news almost always gets the blame.

Lobelia123 · 14/10/2021 09:44

@moofolk and @ToffeeNotCoffee get it completely. The OP thinks she's some kind of hero for revealing the shittiness of the boyfriend and his cheating. And he probably deserves to be exposed. But the way she's done it is almost certainly increasing the girlfriends pain and confusion. Thats a really shit thing to do. Congratulations for doing something in a sneaky way thats adding to the general horribleness of the situation. If you feel so strngly about her needing to know, then you should have had the guts to own up to it so she could put a face to the name. So please dont congratulate yourself that you are some kind of moral crusader. Youre actually a bit of a shit.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 14/10/2021 09:46

julieca
I reported child abuse to the authorities giving my full name and adress to the authorities. I was not wrong, the child was already on their radar and was removed shortly afterwards to a foster family.
If I had been wrong, I would have had to own my mistake - that's why hearsay, assumptions and 'they do it differently than me' are not sufficient guides in those cases.

Noshowlomo · 14/10/2021 09:50

I’m with you OP. Only the two nasty cheating bastards should feel like shit right now

julieca · 14/10/2021 09:50

@Prokupatuscrakedatus no people should be able to report child abuse anonymously.
Secondly I did report with my name and contact details. BUT the mother did not know I had reported it and I did not tell her. She was all over social media spouting about the bitch who reported her and made things up. I didn't and even had proof.
SW are trained to investigate. They get contacted with assumptions all the time. In the case I reported the family must have been on SW radar already as they were round at the house within hours.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 14/10/2021 09:53

@Lobelia123
@moofolk and @ToffeeNotCoffee get it completely. The OP thinks she's some kind of hero for revealing the shittiness of the boyfriend and his cheating. And he probably deserves to be exposed. But the way she's done it is almost certainly increasing the girlfriends pain and confusion. That's a really shit thing to do. Congratulations for doing something in a sneaky way that's adding to the general horribleness of the situation. If you feel so strongly about her needing to know, then you should have had the guts to own up to it so she could put a face to the name. So please don't congratulate yourself that you are some kind of moral crusader. You're actually a bit of a shit.

Thanks.

It's just the 'I know something you don't' of it. The playground gossip. Dropping someone in it for no other reason than, because you can.

I cannot bear the, 'she had a right to know' 'he had a right to know' attitude. Like the person could care less about rights. They just wanted to poke their oar in and go mouthing off.

No personal cost to them but it's an opportunity to drop some guano into someone else's life.

Somehow, maybe in a different circumstance, the same will happen to the OP. They she'll know what it's like to be looking over their shoulder, always wondering who.

I've never been in the situation of cheating as a married person or with a married person. However, as a family we once got burgled many many years ago. I've also had my work bag taken from my car many years ago.

Looking at total strangers in your street/neighbourhood/college/school/work/the shops etc etc etc wondering if it was them or do they know anything about it is not nice.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/10/2021 09:59

Why the hell did you want to get yourself involved in this?

Yes, I do think you're an awful person because you're setting yourself up as judge and jury (I've been a judgmental bitch myself in the past so know what that's like) in this and you're relishing in the drama.

But as someone else said, you do you eh.

Wiredforsound · 14/10/2021 10:00

You did absolutely the right thing and I would do the same. We have got to stop hiding peoples shitty behaviour. In her position I’d much rather know know the truth (regardless of how it was delivered) than live a life surrounded by lies where the most important person in your life, the one you trust the most, is lying and cheating on you.

KirstenBlest · 14/10/2021 10:04

I'd much rather find out by anonymous letter than via a STI check

Sidehustle99 · 14/10/2021 10:04

If I was the GF I would want to know. You did the right thing. Also think seeing a dirtbag reep what he sows is Karma.

LindyLou2020 · 14/10/2021 10:06

@ToffeeNotCoffee

I feel quite lonely at my core because that kind of distrust alienates you from everyone and changes all your relationships.

This^

Is why I would never do it. I mean send an anonymous note. Not least, it's creepy. I would keep my beak out. How do I know about their circumstances ? In private.

I don't do anonymous. You will know it's me because I will have written my name on it.

(Unless I've made a charity donation and I'm choosing not to be identified.)

"I don't do anonymous"........ But, on a wider note, aren't we all "doing anonymous"? Not getting at you specifically, ToffeeNotCoffee, but we are all posting on MN using pseudonyms, including me! 🤷‍♀️
DrSbaitso · 14/10/2021 10:10

Nobody is directly comparing it to whistleblowing. People are using whistleblowing as an example as to why "always own everything you ever say" is stupid.

That's directly comparing it to whistleblowing.

HarrisonStickle · 14/10/2021 10:13

I'd want to know if my partner was a lying cheat so of course you did the right thing. I'd rather the pain of being told against continuing to be in a relationship with such a person.

GrumpyTerrier · 14/10/2021 10:16

You didn't do anything wrong. They did. You didn't cause hurt and pain. They did.

If they didn't want an affair to blow up in their faces, they shouldn't have had one. It's a shame for the poor GF but she is better off knowing.

Quite surprised by some of the reactions on here!

YouJustFoldItIn · 14/10/2021 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 14/10/2021 10:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

hg165 · 14/10/2021 10:23

I think you did the right thing OP and I totally understand how you're feeling. I think the way you're feeling is a completely natural reaction but not many people would be so aware of how they feel & why, and/or they wouldn't admit enjoying it.

Just wondering tho - if you don't know either the gf or the OW particularly closely, how do you know he was having unprotected sex with both?

shakehandswithdanger · 14/10/2021 10:37

It's not "nice" to enjoy watching the fallout, but honestly, that's human nature. I wouldn't make a habit of involving myself in other people's private lives, but if you knew that what you wrote was true, I think it's better for the GF to know.

As far as the man and the OW go... It's only what they deserve, imo. No sympathy there.

MN as a whole has a definite bias against anonymous notes. I've never fully understood it!

Lo9567 · 14/10/2021 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 14/10/2021 10:42

Just wondering tho - if you don't know either the gf or the OW particularly closely, how do you know he was having unprotected sex with both?

Sooooo......the OP is the wife throwing an emotional grenade at the OW or the OW throwing an emotional grenade at the wife ?

You've done it to spite someone haven't you ? Under the cloak of anonymity. So there's no come backs on you. So cowardly.

On the two occasions that I've reported someone to the authorities I gave my name in confidence so I would be taken seriously. Probably nothing was done, however, my concerns were recorded.

I'm curious as to how it would affect the OP if they identified themselves to either/both parties. I also suspect (hope) it will come to light one day. Then people can be sceptical of her being sneaky long after the affair about the affair has blown over.

Ms Lucinda Loves Lace
69 Sexy Pants Lane
Gropeshire

lovemenot · 14/10/2021 12:20

@TopCatsTopHat

Not true you should only speak up if you're willing to put your name on it. There are always situations where anonymous whistle blowing means a bad thing can end without an innocent witness being dragged down with the sinking ship, or attacked just for coming into some knowledge they never asked for. Crack on op. Bastard got his due... Sadly rarer than it should be. I'd buy you a pint. Grin
I agree.

I told a friend about her cheating husband.....and as the messenger I got well and truly shot.

DrSbaitso · 14/10/2021 12:21

I told a friend about her cheating husband.....and as the messenger I got well and truly shot.

So it would only have been worth it if everyone got hurt except for you?

ThePoisonousMushroom · 14/10/2021 12:22

So it would only have been worth it if everyone got hurt except for you?

Well as the messenger she hadn’t actually done anything wrong, so why should she be hurt?

DrSbaitso · 14/10/2021 12:30

@ThePoisonousMushroom

So it would only have been worth it if everyone got hurt except for you?

Well as the messenger she hadn’t actually done anything wrong, so why should she be hurt?

Are you a messenger if you insert yourself unbidden into someone's life and change it forever for them?

The wife also hadn't done wrong, but the poster thought it was worth her being hurt. If it's your business enough to get involved, why is it nkt your business enough to take consequences?

Over and over again, it's clear that the motivation for this is rarely anything to do with the spouse's wellbeing, and everything to do with trying to get displaced vengeance on a cheater...and that's apparently when spouses and families are fair collateral damage.