I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

@turnabouttime

There are lots of situations where it would not be wise to put your name to it. If you would lose your job or business, if you were at risk of harm, if you know you'd be shot as messenger, if you fear reprisals. Not doing anything because of justifiable reasons is akin to putting yourself first ever though you know someone else is being but or put at risk. Why anyone thinks that is better amazes me when an alternative is to whistle blow anonymously.

But this isn't one of them! You weren't whistleblowing on abuse in a care home or child neglect. You were interfering in people's personal lives that had nothing to do with you. You wouldn't have lost your job or business. If you thought it was your business enough to stick your nose in, why isn't it your business enough to take the natural consequences, which were less than those you served on everyone else?

You did it anonymously because you knew you were going to cause pain and the only person who you felt deserved protection was yourself, even though it wasn't any of your business to start with. Any idiot could have seen he would suspect the OW, so you're also happy for someone else to take the blame for telling. And you don't know the girlfriend so you had no intention of supporting her after dropping a bomb on her.

@thistimelastweek

Never ever say something you can't put your name to.

Disagree with this. Nobody in their right mind would own up to this. Messenger always gets shot. But the gf needed to know the truth about the cheating bf.

You have got a main character complex.

You’ve inserted yourself into these peoples lives/their story and now you’re making yourself the centre of it all.

Is your actual life rich and fulfilling? I suspect not.

It’s not up to you to police the morality and relationships of other people, much less enjoy the fallout.

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal.

Why you writing like you’re in the cast of Clueless?

I’m neither. But I treat whay my friends tell me in confidence I don’t use it against them and then sit back and enjoy them suffering.

So there are no limits to your friendship @Bluntness100 ?

You'd protect a friend who is destroying another woman's marriage and risking her health - good for you
What about a friend who's potentially abusing her children?
Would it be cunty to call SS to protect them ?

You seem to be slagging off the OP assuming you have the moral high ground.
I don't think you do. Ignoring shitty and risky behaviour, and name-calling others that don't anonymously on the iinternet doesn't seem particularly noble.

@Bluntness100

But I do get the rage about someone being a shit

But not enough rage to own it eh?

Bit like you slagging off the OP and calling her behaviour cunty in an anonymous forum I guess.

Doubt you'd be saying these things to her IRL

If you do something like that, at least own it.
You think it is the right thing to do, than sign your name to it.
Anonymous denunciations are disgusting.

What you did and how your OP comes across, look like poking an ants' nest and enjoy the fright and panic. And what kind of people do this?

You're not a major friend of either so there would have been little fall-out to putting your name to it?

That's where i think you are BU. As pp said - if you're not prepared to put your name on something, should you really say it?

Pious crap

Comparing the OP to a whistleblower is crass in the extreme, and is an insult to those situations where the genuine welfare of others is of real concern.

This isn’t a case of the OP being concerned about anyone here. It’s about her wanting a thrill but not wanting to own it, to send an anonymous letter to someone she doesn’t know, while at the same time maintaining a friendship with the person she has stabbed in the back, why? So she doesn’t miss the fun of the fallout maybe?

So what if the messenger gets shot? What’s most important here? If the OP really objects so morally to this affair then she will sacrifice the friendship of the OW so the right thing is done.

Nobody who sends anonymous tipoffs does so for the right reasons. It’s cowardly and gutless.

DivorceAdvicePlease123

‘I think you did a good thing as long as the only bit you're enjoying is his comeuppance. So what if you don't want the headache of outing yourself? The main thing is the poor girlfriend knows, the affair is hopefully over so OW can move on and his true capabilities have been revealed. If he wasn't such a lying, cheating bastard no such letter would have been created in the first place.’

This

In one sense I believe you did the right thing....those being cheated upon have the right to know. Tbh, I'd have done the same myself.

In an ideal world you'd perhaps have been more open but then, we don't live in an ideal world and anonymous is perhaps the best course of action in the circumstances. The fact that you're enjoying the fallout isn't quite so good but that's just being human....why else do we 'voyeuristically' watch all those soaps on TV?
Don't beat yourself up about it but don't get gleeful either.

If I had been the GF I'd have wanted to know

As pp, it's the messenger who gets shot

posted to early: there are caveats to putting your name to things. If it will harm you or others probably better to find another way etc.

However, OP, in your position? I would have told him to come clean by a date 2 weeks hence, or you'd be telling both women. And then i would have told them. With my name attached.

I told a friend I had seen her boyfriend cheat on her in a club. I had seen it - he was trying it on with someone I was with not realising I knew his current gf. My friend never spoke to me again - said she didn’t believe me and believed her boyfriend. Putting your name to it or getting involved at all often isn’t worth it.

Messenger always gets shot.

Messengers are employed by someone else to deliver messages. When you insert yourself into the lives of people you don't know to exert your will upon them, you're several things, but an innocent messenger isn't one of them.

@Wtf86

I told a friend I had seen her boyfriend cheat on her in a club. I had seen it - he was trying it on with someone I was with not realising I knew his current gf. My friend never spoke to me again - said she didn’t believe me and believed her boyfriend. Putting your name to it or getting involved at all often isn’t worth it.

So the only time it's not worth it is when it leads to bad consequences for you?

I wouldn't have done the anonymous letter, but what's done is done.

You have done the GF a favour ultimately.

Can it be traced back to you at all?

You sound very immature. Okaaaaay. Was that really necessary. OK wasn't.

I'm really surprised at the reaction here. I know this place isn't a hivemind, but this is generally a rather voyeuristic forum when it comes to people's personal lives. The relationships board and AIBU are full of people anonymously giving sweeping advice (LTB! Change the locks! Tell your boss to shove the job up her arse!) that would blow the OPs life apart, and then badgering the OP for updates so they can rubberneck at the fallout.

The OP is probably enjoying this for a similar reason. She's not close enough to any of the parties to feel the real emotion behind it or really understand the complexity of what they're going through, beyond seeing the cheating arsehole getting his comeuppance.

@thistimelastweek

Never ever say something you can't put your name to.

Is anyone else finding it hilarious that people are repeating this line on an anonymous forum where people take a form of entertainment giving and taking advice about people's personal lives.

I trust you will you be using your real names as your user names in future then?

Reminds me of that Oscar Wilde quote: "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth"

Good for you, exposing his lies. You saved the gf from years of misery. Imagine if they got married and/or had children together. You did the right thing.