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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did a thing. Was it bad?

507 replies

turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:23

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

OP posts:
Tiredofbs123 · 15/10/2021 07:04

The cognitive dissonance from some posters is incredible on this thread. You have countless cheated on women here saying, it didn’t matter how they heard, the important this for them is that they heard and those voices are being ignored over ONE poster who says she found out and wished it had not happened the way it did.

I am on many infidelity forums and I can tell you (anecdotally of course) that most betrayed want to know. The initial hurt is crushing but the fact that they can make decisions about the lives of their children and themselves with the truth in front of them when they have been gaslit, lied to and betrayed for months/years is liberating. They have been abused and sexually, mentally, physically and emotionally and they can now free themselves.

Those moaning at the OP have no idea of where the girlfriend was at in her life, she could have been planning children with this man, who’s clearly so flaky she could have been left with young children, she could have been arranging a mortgage her savings were going into, so many choices and decisions she would not make if she knew the truth. But now she does, and she will be in pain, yes, but that’s on her boyfriend and complicit OW, not the OP.

The ‘none of your business’ argument is one that grates on many betrayed. It’s always ‘their business’ enough to gossip about, to scandalise, to pity but not to give us our agency back?

I know that if I ever am in this situation I will find a way of telling the betrayed, i will not be complicit in the abuse of another human being by keeping that secret.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/10/2021 09:11
MilkywayMonarch22 · 15/10/2021 09:18

Don't think it's that bad. Don't sneak about and cheat if you don't want potential drama coming out!
You've saved someone some heartache in the long term, imagine she's found out 5 years and a few kids down the line instead!

minatrina · 15/10/2021 09:19

Also for me, I think that one of the things I find most hurtful and cruel about infidelity is that the cheating partner is putting their partner's health at risk.

If I'd have known someone was having an affair, the idea that the innocent partner might catch something from their cheating partner would weigh really heavily on me.

Ticksallboxes · 15/10/2021 11:13

I was about to say what's the big deal with staying anonymous until I saw the post from @Lobelia123.

Thanks for sharing that and I'm really sorry you have been through this. Until you have, people have no idea what a horrible invasion it must feel like.

nightlarking · 15/10/2021 11:57

I think there's a lot of hypocrisy in the accusations of you "loving the drama" of others. I'm sure none of those accusing you have read AIBU, place marked with popcorn or got privately annoyed when the OP didn't return to tell all. 🙄 Bystanding at the drama of others is a huge feature of this website.

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 12:19

Gosh, you spend an awful lot of your time arguing simply to slag off the actions of a stranger on the internet

I type fast and it actually doesn't take me long at all.

But thanks for reading. I wouldn't do it for no audience 😉

altmember · 15/10/2021 14:24

@Tiredofbs123

The cognitive dissonance from some posters is incredible on this thread. You have countless cheated on women here saying, it didn’t matter how they heard, the important this for them is that they heard and those voices are being ignored over ONE poster who says she found out and wished it had not happened the way it did.

I am on many infidelity forums and I can tell you (anecdotally of course) that most betrayed want to know. The initial hurt is crushing but the fact that they can make decisions about the lives of their children and themselves with the truth in front of them when they have been gaslit, lied to and betrayed for months/years is liberating. They have been abused and sexually, mentally, physically and emotionally and they can now free themselves.

Those moaning at the OP have no idea of where the girlfriend was at in her life, she could have been planning children with this man, who’s clearly so flaky she could have been left with young children, she could have been arranging a mortgage her savings were going into, so many choices and decisions she would not make if she knew the truth. But now she does, and she will be in pain, yes, but that’s on her boyfriend and complicit OW, not the OP.

The ‘none of your business’ argument is one that grates on many betrayed. It’s always ‘their business’ enough to gossip about, to scandalise, to pity but not to give us our agency back?

I know that if I ever am in this situation I will find a way of telling the betrayed, i will not be complicit in the abuse of another human being by keeping that secret.

Another consideration is that whilst most people say they would want to know, unless they already have suspicions, it's quite likely they'll be in denial if a 3rd party tells them their partner is cheating on them. Especially so if it's anonymous or from someone they don't know.

My ex was shagging someone else, I found out and told the other person's partner (both complete strangers to me). Their partner chose not to believe me, believed their own partner that it was a case of mistaken identity. I was 100% sure, with photo and sexting evidence, but people will only believe it if they want to.

HeartsAndClubs · 15/10/2021 14:37

The cognitive dissonance from some posters is incredible on this thread. You have countless cheated on women here saying, it didn’t matter how they heard, the important this for them is that they heard and those voices are being ignored over ONE poster who says she found out and wished it had not happened the way it did. you are conveniently forgetting to mention the fact that the one poster who said she wishes she hadn’t found out in the way she had was the one poster who was told anonymously. But don’t let that get in the way of your self justification.

The argument here hasn’t been about the rights and wrongs of telling someone about their partner’s affair, although that is a separate discussion and also divides opinion.

The argument has been about telling someone anonymously so as to protect the teller from being hurt, never mind that the person they’re telling has been, and the feelings that the person who finds out anonymously will have as a result. Feelings which have been completely dismissed by those on the thread who are so arrogant as to believe that they are the ones in the right and anyone who has personal experience and can tell them how she feels is clearly wrong because they say so.

If this one thread has shown something, it’s that telling someone anonymously has nothing to do with the teller’s wish to give them the truth, and everything to do with them wanting to stroke their own ego by relaying their anonymous information and then watching the fallout while giving themselves a pat on the back in the knowledge that it will never come back to bite them.

if my partner was cheating and a friend told me I would want to know about it.

if I had an anonymous tip-off and I found out it was a friend, while I still might end the relationship, I would never speak to them again.

Ari202 · 15/10/2021 17:46

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you are a ‘friend’ of the other woman, it sounds like you ARE the other woman.
Your attitude changed when people started giving THEIR reasons for agreeing with you, and then you started saying their reasons like they were your own.
I honestly 100% believe that you are the other woman.

Popetthetreehugger · 15/10/2021 17:53

I haven’t read whole thread , but I had an anonymous phone call telling me my H was being unfaithful ( over 30 years ago ) I can still tell you what she said … ask your friend about their affair.. I have no idea who it was was calling but they did me the biggest favour . You did her a service that her friends are frightened to. As it’s true , you do tend to shoot the messenger . Good on you .

urkidding · 15/10/2021 17:56

I agree with OP's action. I would like to know if I was either of the women. I'd be glad that at least one person cared enough so that I could make my own decision and also not have an unwanted baby. There is no hurt like knowing everyone knows except you. It is painful but helpful in the long term.(I have been in a situation when a man at work who I did not know very well told me about something like this and I did not know there was a long term girl-friend he was living with, I'm forever grateful to him.)

Mirw · 15/10/2021 17:59

Don't know how you know that he is having unprotected sex with both!! But as you seem to be taking pleasure out of the hurt you gave caused on both sides, it might be pertinent to remember this should anything similar ever happen to you. People can get the wrong end of the stick when on the outside looking in...

DaisyStiener · 15/10/2021 18:03

The “whistle blower “ is never thanked. By either side - so there’s no point in saying otherwise.
And if/when they take them back - somehow you’re the dickhead.
Shooting the messenger is real.
You’re maybe enjoying his comeuppance? It’s satisfying to see an arsehole get his just deserts !

Sorry for the other poster-who said this happened to her , but yes, strange that she saw it as a betrayal of her friends not her partner.Surely the actual betrayal was everyone who loves you know in, and saying nothing? Exactly the reason I wouldn’t have signed it either.

AllFanjoAndNoSnickers · 15/10/2021 18:14

Sounds malicious, rather than evil.

Tessabelle74 · 15/10/2021 18:16

Personally I'd be grateful to know my partner was a cheating scumbag so you did the right thing in my book

DonaPatrizia · 15/10/2021 18:18

There's something more to this you are not telling us. I think you have another motive here because otherwise why would you get so involved?

simiisme · 15/10/2021 18:20

I wish someone had told me!
First husband cheated with a neighbour for almost 2 years before I found out. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew, but didn't tell me.
Would have saved me a lot of time & heartache.

Tiredofbs123 · 15/10/2021 18:23

‘The argument here hasn’t been about the rights and wrongs of telling someone about their partner’s affair, although that is a separate discussion and also divides opinion.

The argument has been about telling someone anonymously so as to protect the teller from being hurt, never mind that the person they’re telling has been, and the feelings that the person who finds out anonymously will have as a result.‘

No the thread is about whether OP was wrong to be fascinated by the outcome. We then drifted into an argument around her anonymity. This was not the crux of the original thread. BUT I honestly think this anonymity thing is a red herring. There is one poster who is claiming this was awful for her, I respect her personal experience but you have many MANY betrayed on here making it clear that it doesn't matter how they found out, what’s important is that they found out.

Then you have a couple of posters ignoring their truth. The truth of many many betrayed women.

You talk of them ‘stroking their ego’, they can stroke away IF they have ultimately done the right thing by a betrayed spouse, however they do it!

I was privy to a very spiteful disclosure of a previous boyfriends cheating when I was younger, I remain grateful to them despite their attempt to hurt me.

I’d rather have someone tell me anonymously or not, than pity me, talk about me, discuss my family, my relationship, my partner, laugh at me whatever, just bloody tell me.

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 18:27

It’s satisfying to see an arsehole get his just deserts !

And how does it feel to see their family devastated? Pleasure in that too?

How about if the wife decides to stay? Still satisfied?

Like I said, amazing how palatable - enjoyable even - this pain becomes when your primary motivation is spite and deflected vengeance.

wildchild554 · 15/10/2021 18:27

You did the right thing, yes none of your business, but at the end of the day, you've done her a favour. Having been in the position that I was in the past, being cheated on I would have rather been told than people keeping it quiet. Yes, I would have gone ballistic but those doing the cheating would have deserved what they got. Although at the same time I would rather the person would tell me rather than an anonymous letter.

Diva66 · 15/10/2021 18:33

No it wasn’t bad, they deserved it.

toxic44 · 15/10/2021 18:33

Anonymous letters are cowardly. You must be quite close friends with OW to know whether or not he wears a condom.

1forAll74 · 15/10/2021 18:38

Itwas not nice of you to do such a thing, and then be waiting to see what happens next. It was not your business, to become an informer.

The people concerned, generally find out about their misdemeaners sooner or later.. I guess you might be a youngish person, who thinks it's quite ok to do what you did.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 15/10/2021 18:48

As far as Mumsnet is concerned you can never do right for doing wrong. If asked most women say they would want to know if partner was cheating on them yet so many say to keep your nose out!

Personally I think you did the right thing op.