I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

Are any of you criticising what OP did prepared to share your real identity? well are you?

The difference here is that everyone here is anonymous. Nobody knows who anyone else here is. Whereas the OP knows who the people involved are and she’s decided that they can’t know who she is.

But in answer to your question, yes, I would have the same to say if this was a forum where users joined with their RL names. Would you?

@HeartsAndClubs

So the anonymity of the message scarred you more than his betrayal? the telling is part of the betrayal. Because the recipient of the letter will question which of her friends or family knew, who else knew and didn’t say anything, who she can trust, who has been laughing at her behind her back.

And worse, if she does decide to move forward and to stay with the man, she will feel isolated from her friends because they so deliberately set out to hurt her. So if she ever needs support again, she will have no-one to turn to.

Yes. It adds an additional layer of hurt to an already intensely painful situation. Maybe thats not obvious to some of the more 'guns blazing' type posters and its what I was trying to point out. Just be a decent human being and be honest enough to say your piece without hiding behind an anonymous letter, because like Ive tried to convey to all of you, when you sont know who it is, you start suspecting that its everyone. Thats really shitty at a time when you are so vulnerable and so in need of support, and then you start dounting the support of everyone around you. Jesus guys, have a little empathy!

Yeah, but it my case I had too much empathy for others and not enough protection of myself. My lack of anonymity bit me. I will never do it again, thats for sure. When people are hurt they lash out at the messenger.

Ultimately, if you decide to get involved in someone’s business you need to be prepared for the possibility that you might be the one who comes off worst.

That doesn’t give anyone the right to get involved in someone’s personal business anonymously to ensure that they’re safe while they destroy someone else’s life.

So if you’re not prepared to pay the price, then you don’t get involved, anonymously or otherwise.

@ Lobelia123 sadly I think the anonymous senders have made it all about them than about the people whose lives they’re destroying.

They pop out an anonymous letter and then they bask in the glow of their own self worship because of what a lovely person they must be to have done that. And they sit back and watch the fallout in the smug knowledge that they were the ones responsible for it. They’re no better than the cheats.

Did you find out who the anonymous fucker was?

Good for you OP. I would have loved to have known (from whatever source) that my partner was cheating. Would have saved me so many wasted years.

I just think it's interesting that, given how much we understand the pain and devastation cheating can cause, so many people would willingly actively bring it on, and even take pleasure in it, if they can a) convince themselves they are no more than a "messenger", despite tasking themselves to do it and b) can get the satisfaction of a cheater getting their supposed comeuppance. Optional c) if they can do it to everyone's pain but their own...it's only other people's suffering that can be justified.

I don't think you should never ever tell. But I think if you do, you should be close enough to the situation to be very sure it's for the best, and to be a support when needed, and to be open and transparent about who you are.

If you're happy, gleeful even, to make collateral damage out of innocents because it satisfies whatever urges are in YOU ...

@SafeMove

Yeah, but it my case I had too much empathy for others and not enough protection of myself. My lack of anonymity bit me. I will never do it again, thats for sure. When people are hurt they lash out at the messenger.

If you're that empathetic and selfless, and think you did the right thing, you WOULD do it again, without anonymity.

But this so rarely has truly altruistic motives...

I don’t think any acts are truly altruistic, are they?

@ThePoisonousMushroom

I don’t think any acts are truly altruistic, are they?

That's a philosphical point I can't really be arsed to argue here. But if you're going to say you'll tell because you're just so concerned for the family, you're certainly claiming noble motives. And it's handy that once you've decided a cheaters comeuppance is worth any price, you can happily inflict that very devastation you appear to be so concerned about. (Generic "you".)

Look at all the people who told, deciding it was worth the pain to others, but wouldn't do it again because of the pain it caused them...

@DrSbaitso

I read this and think, excellent, what fantastic revenge on a nasty boss. Some may read it and be horrified someone would do such a thing and live their life preferring to keep quiet and out of trouble in many situations, not just one like this. I’m definitely a ‘stand up, make a noise and call out injustice when you see it’ type,

Yet more proof that this kind of action is frequently motivated by spite, even displaced spite, than any kind of concern for the wife.

For all the apparent worry about the harm the cheater does to their family, it seems families are fair game when spite rather than mere selfish pleasure is the motivation. Cheats, as dishonourable as they may be, aren't usually actively trying to hurt people. But tellers are.

I didn’t dispute that. You conveniently cut off the bit where I admit to having a vindictive streak. But you can have concern for the betrayed party and feel they’re owed the truth AND want the cheater to get their comeuppance. The two emotions aren’t mutually exclusive. I stand by my opinion that the victim of the cheating deserves to know the truth as well as/despite the fact that outing a cheater provides some schadenfreude to revel in.

@HeartsAndClubs, on the very first page of this thread someone very succinctly commented that this was a nasty act, but 'you do you'....and 13 pages later, Ive come to the same conclusion. People just have different compasses that they live their lives by I suppose and they are not easily swayed from them. In answer to your question, I didnt, but deeply suspect that it was the other woman, or her friend who was also in our friendship group. They definately had the most to lose as the grubby little affair was winding down at the time it conveniently got exposed. All in all it all played out for the good, but I'll never forget as I said that added layer of uncertainty and distrust about who had sent the mail, and I just wonder how any person would want to willingly inflict that on someone who is already down. But judging by this thread, many people think its absolutely fine and you have no moral obligation at all to at least spare the person that awful fear and suspicion. As that wise person said on page one....'you do you'.

TBF OP I would've done the same thing, and enjoyed him being called out on being a massive prick. The fallout is shit, yes, but surely if your bloke was cheating on you, you'd want to know? I know I would.

[quote Lobelia123]@HeartsAndClubs, on the very first page of this thread someone very succinctly commented that this was a nasty act, but 'you do you'....and 13 pages later, Ive come to the same conclusion. People just have different compasses that they live their lives by I suppose and they are not easily swayed from them. In answer to your question, I didnt, but deeply suspect that it was the other woman, or her friend who was also in our friendship group. They definately had the most to lose as the grubby little affair was winding down at the time it conveniently got exposed. All in all it all played out for the good, but I'll never forget as I said that added layer of uncertainty and distrust about who had sent the mail, and I just wonder how any person would want to willingly inflict that on someone who is already down. But judging by this thread, many people think its absolutely fine and you have no moral obligation at all to at least spare the person that awful fear and suspicion. As that wise person said on page one....'you do you'.[/quote]
But why would you feel distrustful of whoever sent the mail? Ultimately they were telling you the truth, not lying to you that nothing was going on! Did you ask around your friendship group if any of them had sent it? I just don’t get your stance tbh, even if they told you for revenge or to hurt you, ultimately the joke’s on them because they saved you from a shit relationship, and if they told you for reasons of wanting to help you/tell the truth, they did you a favour. I can understand having a burning curiosity as to who sent it but not that it would feel like an extra betrayal.

You conveniently cut off the bit where I admit to having a vindictive streak

I didn't think I needed to include it. It was obvious!

And my point was that telling is very often more about vindictiveness against a cheater than caring for the family. Just noting how easy it can become to inflict this devastation if you make it suit YOUR motives. Families are indeed fine to use for collateral damage...

So you think it’s better for them to just live in blissful ignorance? That I fundamentally disagree with. Like I said, you can be vindictive as well as also feeling like justice should be done.

See? When motivated by vengeance against a cheat, even one who's nothing to do with you, you can not only justify using families as collateral damage, you can argue with betrayed wives that they're wrong to say it shouldn't be done anonymously.

Incredible, how many rights it apparently gives you over people!

Not RTFT got 3 pages in and lost the will. If my DH was cheating I’d want to know and wouldn’t care if it was anonymous. You do sound a bit too giddy about it OP but the bottom line is if the bastard wasn’t cheating then there’d be nothing to tell.

So you do think they should be left to live in ignorance then (and possibly risk further, more prolonged hurt down the line if they see something to arouse suspicions but the cheating spouse lies and draws things out, or they get dumped out of the blue for the OW, or only find out decades later then feel trapped because of age/lack of funds to leave/retirement etc)?

Nobody is ‘wrong’ for thinking it shouldn’t be anonymous or feeling how they feel, but people are allowed to have a difference of opinion and bit understand why others feel the way they do!

@HeartsAndClubs, and @DrSbaitsu
You both make fair points regarding the issue of anonymity regarding the situation in this thread, and in general.
I was angry at the sarcasm and viciousness that threads such as these always seem to invoke, when we are supposed to be a forum of women for women. Strongly disagreeing with a poster is one thing, behaving like childish bullies in a playground is quite another.
And to answer your question @DrSbaitso, yes, I would say what I am saying on this particular thread if we were all on this forum having joined under our real names.
However, if I didn't want to be identified, I wouldn't post!

@TedMullins

So you do think they should be left to live in ignorance then (and possibly risk further, more prolonged hurt down the line if they see something to arouse suspicions but the cheating spouse lies and draws things out, or they get dumped out of the blue for the OW, or only find out decades later then feel trapped because of age/lack of funds to leave/retirement etc)?

Nobody is ‘wrong’ for thinking it shouldn’t be anonymous or feeling how they feel, but people are allowed to have a difference of opinion and bit understand why others feel the way they do!

Nobody has said we can't have a difference of opinion. Why do people always have to reach for that rubbish?

Should people tell? My feeling is: it depends. I certainly don't agree that whenever you hear about it, no matter how much of a stranger you may be, you should go blundering in. And I don't think you should ever do it if you're not prepared to be open and transparent about it. If it's not worth the price to you, it's not for you to decide it's worth it to other people.

But like I said...for all the talk about how devastating it can be (and it can, of course), it is amazing how easily people can take an active hand in unleashing it when they're motivated by vengeance against a cheater, even one they don't know. Or justice, whatever; what other human wrongs have you decided it is your duty to set right?

The collateral damage is apparently just fine in those circumstances. The pain has been released so nobly,l. And when a betrayed wife tells you her feelings on it, you can tell her you know better even then. Quite the God complex, really.

And some people don't want to be told. A lot of MNers don't like that. They will insult and argue with them, because their wish never to see a cheater get away with it overrides the wishes of the people whose interests they claim to be protecting. But it's true. Another reason not to mess around with people's lives unless you really are close, really do know what you're doing and will be a support.

And to answer your question@DrSbaitso, yes, I would say what I am saying on this particular thread if we were all on this forum having joined under our real names.

I didn't ask that question.

Also, if you do tell: tell only what you know. Sounds obvious, but there are posters on here who will tell you they know they're shagging because they had dinner in a hotel, or shared a taxi. If that's all you know of what they're doing, that's all you should be telling. Leave conjecture out of it.

There seems to be a line of 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you' thinking in this thread, which I think is really faulty.

Some people are blaming OP for delivering her message anonymously, to protect herself from fallout from a situation that she did not in any way create.

Even though the girlfriend was living in "blissful" ignorance of her partner's affair, it's not like she wasn't experiencing any damage. The affair was destroying her relationship silently, like a cancer she didn't know she had. What is a relationship if it is not founded in real trust, real concern for the other person's wellbeing? You think someone who's prepared to divide his time and attention and resources between two women, who is prepared to put one person's health at risk for the sake of his own pleasure, who is prepared to hide reality from his partner is truly being a good partner in all other ways?

Humans don't behave purely rationally, when they are hurt and confused, they can lash out unreasonably. Patients who are sick can attack the doctors who are trying to help them. The idea that the messenger is somehow responsible for the unpleasant content of the message and should therefore expect to be punished for delivering it is totally off.

The OP acted in a way that protected herself from fallout, as she had a total right to, because she wasn't responsible for the pain caused.

@CheekyHobson, 'There seems to be a line of 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you' thinking in this thread, which I think is really faulty.'

What I didn't know didn't hurt me but the fact that I hadn't known hurt a damn sight more when I did find out.