I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

@Gardenfish

Why are people more focusing on OP’s letter writing, and not the boyfriend for cheating? Or him now blaming the other women? Or sympathy for the victim.

There’s lots of reason why someone may not want to put their name to that letter. OP has posted because their not sure if they have done the right thing now and is being honest about mixed feelings.

But even so, why are we more negatively vocal and more forced on the letter writer, than the cheating boyfriend?

A d it is fir exactly his reason that j debt it anonymously. Hardly surprising is it when you see how people respond

@DrSbaitso

Why are people more focusing on OP’s letter writing

Because we're answering the question she's asked us.

There’s lots of reason why someone may not want to put their name to that letter.

Yes, and they're all self serving.

You say that like being self serving is necessarily a bad thing. It's not

I read this and think, excellent, what fantastic revenge on a nasty boss. Some may read it and be horrified someone would do such a thing and live their life preferring to keep quiet and out of trouble in many situations, not just one like this. I’m definitely a ‘stand up, make a noise and call out injustice when you see it’ type,

Yet more proof that this kind of action is frequently motivated by spite, even displaced spite, than any kind of concern for the wife.

For all the apparent worry about the harm the cheater does to their family, it seems families are fair game when spite rather than mere selfish pleasure is the motivation. Cheats, as dishonourable as they may be, aren't usually actively trying to hurt people. But tellers are.

@Lobelia123

Ok so this was done to me. My partner cheated and had been having a five month long affair. I got an anonymous mail from a throwaway account with photos and some messages between them. I wont go into the pain of betrayal andall the fallout from that. But to the OP, let me just tell you that youre a coward and to be actually enjoying this is vile. even now many years and much personal growth achieved at great personal cost, the fact of receiving that anonymous mail has changed me for ever. To this day I look at my friends, colleagues, family - everyone and wonder did you send it? I dont in my heart trust anyone anymore. I feel quite lonely at my core becaise that kind of distrust alienates you from everyone and changes all your relationships. You just dont know who to trust. Whos being fake and whos hiding something - not just your partner but EVERYONE. So have a laugh and enjoy yourself, what youve done is really unpleasant. Have the courage of your convictions next time and own up to it, that way the person will know whos behind it and be able to deal with it.

So the anonymity of the message scarred you more than his betrayal?

You say that like being self serving is necessarily a bad thing.

It is when your intention is to light touch paper in the lives of people who are not your business, and think you're the only one who deserves no consequences.

Are cheats so altruistic?

@Lobelia123 you’re angry at the wrong person. Whoever wrote you that email did you a favour.

but arguing that it isn't an action that causes a consequence is nonsensical

I haven't, not sure where you got that from. What I said was: apportion blame where it is due rather than on the messenger.

But actually if you want to get philosophical: the messenger is not so much a cause merely the communicating agent of the cause: infidelity.

Truth will out. So if it's not outed by one person it is by another, or the cheater themselves fucks up.

[quote moofolk]@turnabouttime OP I love you. You are my new hero, and if by any chance you are also a lesbian in the north west of England, please DM me!

Although what would be more heroic would be now to contact the gf and tell her it was you.

@Lobelia123 makes a really good point above, in that the anonymity actually breeds a lot of uncertainty and mistrust, in terms of not knowing who it was, who knows what.

I think your actions so far are understandable, including the satisfaction at him getting his comeuppance, and a fascination at the unfolding drama.

You have justified the anonymity, but now might be time to put her mind at rest by fessing up.

And tell us how it went!

[/quote]
I don't know how it will all go but I wouldn't be surprised if he convinces her to stay with him. He's incredibly sly and manipulative. But that's not my problem. She knows now and can do with the info as she chooses. It's the lack of protection that gets me. How do I know? Well I don't 100% but as I said, it's a small village. He has dated half of it. He refuses to wear them so can't see why he would start now. But he manages to find a way to manipulate women into thinking they don't want him to wear them.

@TatianaBis

but arguing that it isn't an action that causes a consequence is nonsensical

I haven't, not sure where you got that from. What I said was: apportion blame where it is due rather than on the messenger.

But actually if you want to get philosophical: the messenger is not so much a cause merely the communicating agent of the cause: infidelity.

Truth will out. So if it's not outed by one person it is by another, or the cheater themselves fucks up.

And I am apportioning it. A person who inserts themselves into a situation, unbidden, and takes actions has deliberately changed the course of events and bears responsibility for them.

Messenger, communicating agent, all language to try to imply that the teller doesn't have a hand in causing hurt. And they clearly did. They just think it's worth it. Unless they do it anonymously, in which case they think it's worth it when everyone hurts but themselves. They obviously know they are an active agent if they protect themselves from the fallout!

The thing is, on MN, a cheating partner is seen as so terrible, in all cases, without exception, whatever the context, that there's no level of hurt and destruction that's not worth it in order to try to get them their comeuppance. (Except, of course, if if brings consequences to anonymous tellers. It's not worth them experiencing anything negative.) Wives, husbands, children, all absolutely fine collateral damage if it exposes a cheater. But nobody likes to realise that.

Hence the pretzel logic of having to affect events to get justice (usually displaces vengeance) on the cheater, but also wanting to be considered a messenger or agent, as if you didn't actually carry out a decisive action.

He's incredibly sly and manipulative. But that's not my problem.

Isn't it, now?

The OP sounds fairly deranged and not a very nice person in her own right. Two women got deeply hurt and they both don't know who to trust now. You broke the trust of your friend and have done it in a cowardly way. You've carried on being friends with her while she reels from the fallout you caused. It's deeply unpleasant.

And I am apportioning it

I know, wrongly as I said.

If you want to blame all the messengers and all the OW in the world, that's up to you. But your third paragraph epitomizes pretzel logic - well actually - your whole post.

@TatianaBis

And I am apportioning it

I know, wrongly as I said.

If you want to blame all the messengers and all the OW in the world, that's up to you. But your third paragraph epitomizes pretzel logic - well actually - your whole post.

You can call it pretzel logic, but unless you actually explain why...

On this thread there is disapproval of the OP, the cheating guy, the GF, and the OW - depending on whose side you're on.
Threads like this are always going to provoke discord, disagreements, and honest debate at best. And so they should do.
But, at worst, as is unfortunately the norm on MN, PP's having a different POV can result in bitchy insults, vitriol, nastiness and, in this case, quite breathtaking sanctimoniousness.
Much of the debate on this thread concerns the OP acting anonymously, for which she has been ruthlessly attacked. It's not her deeds or her post which interest me, but the issue of anonymity.
In an earlier post, I pointed out that we are ALL acting anonymously by using pseudonyms on this forum.
So, by criticising anonymity, we are in fact being absolute hypocrites, myself included.
Does nobody else see the irony in all this?
Are any of you criticising what OP did prepared to share your real identity?
Nope - thought not 🙄 🤷‍♀️

@Brefugee

posted to early: there are caveats to putting your name to things. If it will harm you or others probably better to find another way etc.

However, OP, in your position? I would have told him to come clean by a date 2 weeks hence, or you'd be telling both women. And then i would have told them. With my name attached.

Agreed, this is how I would've approached it

[quote TedMullins]@Lobelia123 you’re angry at the wrong person. Whoever wrote you that email did you a favour.[/quote]
I dont think youre reading my posts or getting my point. I actually did leave the relationship and in the long run it was the right thing for me. My point is, that the fact that the mail was anonymous inspired such a deep distrust in me - I not only found out that I couldnt trust my partner, but I started thinking I couldnt trust anyone around me either. Have a think about that and how damaging and hurtful that is. My issue is not with the 'reveal' but rather with the glee that it was done with, and especially with the anonymous element of it, which has some consequences that none of you righteous keyboard warriors actually understand. Maybe just have a think about that.

@LindyLou2020

On this thread there is disapproval of the OP, the cheating guy, the GF, and the OW - depending on whose side you're on. Threads like this are always going to provoke discord, disagreements, and honest debate at best. And so they should do. But, at worst, as is unfortunately the norm on MN, PP's having a different POV can result in bitchy insults, vitriol, nastiness and, in this case, quite breathtaking sanctimoniousness. Much of the debate on this thread concerns the OP acting anonymously, for which she has been ruthlessly attacked. It's not her deeds or her post which interest me, but the issue of anonymity. In an earlier post, I pointed out that we are ALL acting anonymously by using pseudonyms on this forum. So, by criticising anonymity, we are in fact being absolute hypocrites, myself included. Does nobody else see the irony in all this? Are any of you criticising what OP did prepared to share your real identity? Nope - thought not 🙄 🤷‍♀️

Agree with this. Some of the people claiming a higher degree of honourable behaviour than op have been vicious in their criticism. But I'm sure they have already internally justified and absolved themselves.

Does nobody else see the irony in all this?

I answered this already. An anonymous person has asked other anonymous people for their opinions. That's all. It's entirely different from inserting yourself unbidden into the lives of people who are nothing to do with you, and making decisions for them that cause irrevocable changes and cause intense pain...and never taking any consequences yourself or letting them know it was you. Even allowing others to take the blame.

Cheats, as dishonourable as they may be, aren't usually actively trying to hurt people. But tellers are.

Strong logic.

The hurt matters, not whether it's intended or not.

Avd the cheaters know it would devastate their partner; they just act on "but they dont know".
Cheating is a type of abuse.... they're not innocent, intentional wrong doers. They're lying to, usually gasightong, risking their partbes sexual health (even if they use condoms), keeping their partner faithful on false pretences, keeping their partner in a relationship on false pretences, making their partner play by rules they abandoned, usually spending family money on their affair etc etc.

Abd the hurt the tellers cause by telling is not of the magnitude of the original behaviour they're telling about.

And they free the victim they let the victim know the truth of their situation; diesbt matter if the intention was peachy sweet or not.

You did the right thing

I'd have enjoyed it too. He's a prick who got his comeuppance 🤷‍♀️

Likewise theted be nothing to tell and hurt the victim about if the cheater wasn't a scum bag in the first place.

So the anonymity of the message scarred you more than his betrayal? the telling is part of the betrayal. Because the recipient of the letter will question which of her friends or family knew, who else knew and didn’t say anything, who she can trust, who has been laughing at her behind her back.

And worse, if she does decide to move forward and to stay with the man, she will feel isolated from her friends because they so deliberately set out to hurt her. So if she ever needs support again, she will have no-one to turn to.

The hurt matters, not whether it's intended or not.

Of course it does. I'm not excusing infidelity.

But that is why it's so interesting that intentionally unleashing the hurt, even when a cheater has prevented it thus far, is apparently so justifiable, a duty even, when the motivation is bringing a cheat to perceived justice. And how easy it becomes under the idea that one was merely a messenger, agent, or other neutral, impartial, natural and organic cog in the machine.

And how several people have said that, after telling, it wasn't worth it because of the negative feedback THEY got.

I told my friends girlfriend he was cheating on her, to her face. She was saying that he was 'having such a rough time with his MH' and that he had asked her to move out of their joint home they shared 'to give him the space he needed' and she was convinced he would be inviting her back home anytime soon. I knew he had been shagging another girl whilst he had 'space' in their home, in their bed. So I told her. She never spoke to me again except to ring me to get more facts and then say I had ruined her life.

They were all furious with me, my friend went mad with me and he said I had betrayed him as a friend. I lost my entire friendship group (I was a young single mum, who had just had a baby so needed my mates). I would never do it again. Honesty isn't always the best policy and bites you on the arse IME.