I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

[quote Lobelia123]**@moofolk* and @ToffeeNotCoffee* get it completely. The OP thinks she's some kind of hero for revealing the shittiness of the boyfriend and his cheating. And he probably deserves to be exposed. But the way she's done it is almost certainly increasing the girlfriends pain and confusion. Thats a really shit thing to do. Congratulations for doing something in a sneaky way thats adding to the general horribleness of the situation. If you feel so strngly about her needing to know, then you should have had the guts to own up to it so she could put a face to the name. So please dont congratulate yourself that you are some kind of moral crusader. Youre actually a bit of a shit.[/quote]
We have no idea what op put in her letter (or whatever), she could well have put a lot of sympathy and care in it and explained why she wasn't revealing who she was etc. We have no clue if she went nuclear and said it in the most blunt and brutal way or if she expressed it with sincere tenderness.

While you make this assertion you hide behind your own anonymity to call someone a bit of a shit. Oh the irony.

We have no idea what op put in her letter (or whatever), she could well have put a lot of sympathy and care in it and explained why she wasn't revealing who she was etc

Yes, the only thing that could make me feel better about an anonymous note blowing up my life would be the writer telling me all about why this was best for her.

The people on the thread who have been on the receiving end of this act have expressed gratitude that the anonymous sender did what they did.
It is possible to send the letter for the benefit of the betrayed partner but keep your anonymity to prevent the cheaters punishment from being transferred to you. That doesn't necessarily increase the recipients distress, depends how it's done.
Saying op has ramped up the distress by remaining anonymous is a massive assumption which doesn't excuse giving a stranger abuse.

@DrSbaitso

Nobody is directly comparing it to whistleblowing. People are using whistleblowing as an example as to why "always own everything you ever say" is stupid.

That's directly comparing it to whistleblowing.

No, it's not.

If PPs had said "you should never expose an affair unless you are prepared to do it openly", and people had responded that exposing an affair is just like whistleblowing so of course you should be able to do it anonymously...then you would have a point. But that's not what anybody said.

PPs said (on an anonymous forum by the way 🙄) that "you should never say anything unless you are prepared to put your name to it". This was a sweeping, generalised statement about any and all situations. It was not related to the situation in the OP. So people quite rightly responded that there are in fact many examples of speaking out, one of them being whistleblowing, which should be able to be done anonymously. There was no implication whatsoever that whistleblowing is on any kind of level with telling someone their boyfriend is a cheat, either in terms of moral obligation or risks involved.

As it goes, I'm not sure OP did do the right thing. Who knows. It entirely depends on the specifics of the situation. But it's precisely because I understand that whistleblowing, reporting vulnerable children to SS, reporting crime etc are all very different and far more serious than reporting an affair, that I think it's ridiculous to make such a sweeping statement which applies to all of those situations purely on the back of the OP here. That's what is crass and offensive.

@Salayes

Actually I think it’s quite self-aware if you to recognise you have a mixture of feelings and motivations. We all like to think we are lily white and only do things like this for good reasons - but there is a potentially darker side to it which you’ve identified. Maybe you’re enjoying him get his comeuppance, maybe that’s also mixed in with the sort of feeling you might get if you set a fire, maybe part of you feels satisfied you somehow ‘stood up’ even if anonymously to something you felt was morally wrong. Only you will know really what it is but i think it’s actually healthy your asking those questions.

I agree with this.

While I personally wouldn't do it, I would really want someone to tell me if I were being cheated on. And if it's saved this woman from a lifetime of infidelity, it's the right thing.

There isn't really a moral code here given we have official crime stopper numbers to report dodgy behaviour anonymously. If cheating were a crime, this wouldn't be an issue as it would be your duty to report it. But as it's not, it's upto each of us to exert our own code of ethics and conduct. Like we are expected to do at work if we spot something wrong.

Ratting out someone or not interfering in someone's business is quite a British/Puritanical(?) concept btw. Lots of other cultures, no one would blink if you kicked up a scene and confronted him in public. And everyone is involved in your business you'd find out from your friend's neighbour's gardener's hairdresser.

Feeling weird emotions about it or even enjoying his comeuppance is to be human.

So yeah, it's really only for you to decide whether it was the right or wrong thing to do. Serves the cheating bastard right anyway.

Yeah I’ll say it again.

Relishing in other people’s misfortunes is horrible.

Your glee is disgusting.

OP you did what you did because it felt morally wrong and you felt you'd want to know if you were the gf. So your motivations were right. And doing an anonymous letter was probably sensible.

What you're experiencing now is termed a "justice boner" on Reddit- as you're seeing the lying cheat get his comeuppance. The emotions coming from that are unexpected and was not the reason you did it originally. We never normally play a part in such drama in others lives & you have info they don't as you know you triggered this. It's like peeking behind the curtain. GF would likely have found out someday but maybe been in a worse position when she did.

It's good you recognise you now have a number of feelings about it and it could be addictive- just remind yourself you did it with best of intentions. And you'd be wise to never tell them or anyone that it was your anonymous letter, no matter how tempted you are.

@InsufficientFuns

Yes, I agree. Although the ages of the protagonists says it all. There's no age at which this would be acceptable though.

What goes around comes around. Ultimately, because the truth will out, the OP might get some karma.

you'd be wise to never tell them or anyone that it was your anonymous letter, no matter how tempted you are.

That ship has sailed i.e. being wise.

One day, somehow, it will come out. Like I say, what goes around comes around.

Bollocks to that. OP did what she thought was best at the time, and the DGF will probably be glad she was told.

Well as the messenger she hadn’t actually done anything wrong, so why should she be hurt? well presumably the people who weren’t happy about the person delivering the news weren’t of the same opinion.

Contrary to what some seem to think here, there are people who really wouldn’t want to know. It’s not up to others to decide that they are in the right because they themselves would want to know.

And anonymous letters are like gaslighting. The GF will now forever wonder which of her friends, family, colleagues, who was it who knew what was going on and didn’t tell her. She may doubt every friendship she has. May wonder whether people have been gossiping about her behind her back and deciding who should be the one to send the anonymous letter. Maybe she’ll think the anonymous letter is from all her friends.

So while the husband is the one who cheated, it’s wrong to suggest that he and only he is responsible for how his GF is now feeling. The OP has played a huge part in this. And now she’s delighting in the fallout, oh, and still friends with the OW.

Nothing wrong my arse.

I would have done the same. She deserved to know the truth.

@DrSbaitso

We have no idea what op put in her letter (or whatever), she could well have put a lot of sympathy and care in it and explained why she wasn't revealing who she was etc

Yes, the only thing that could make me feel better about an anonymous note blowing up my life would be the writer telling me all about why this was best for her.

Yu need to apportion blame where it is due which is on the cheat. The cheat blows up his partner's life not the letter.

Shooting the messenger is up there with blaming the OW in silliness.

As an aside (and perhaps mildly outing) I live in a relatively small rural area and a senior partner in the firm I worked in was the OW in a very long-standing affair. She was particularly mean to her employees (I worked for another senior partner and was spared her wrath!) and one of them took it upon themselves to write a letter to the wife outing the affair.

It wasn't done out of any altruistic feeling towards the wife; the letter writer had just quit her job, and wanted revenge on the senior partner.

It caused an ENORMOUS fall out and obviously, the affair ended, but the wife stayed with the guy and the senior partner was majorly fucked over both publicly and in the workplace. I mean, just desserts definitely, but I remember thinking fuck, all that grief caused by an anonymous letter.

@KirstenBlest

I'd much rather find out by anonymous letter than via a STI check

Quite. Or find out you've had an STI when you're diagnosed with infertility and it's too late to cheat.

@UnsolicitedDickPic

As an aside (and perhaps mildly outing) I live in a relatively small rural area and a senior partner in the firm I worked in was the OW in a very long-standing affair. She was particularly mean to her employees (I worked for another senior partner and was spared her wrath!) and one of them took it upon themselves to write a letter to the wife outing the affair.

It wasn't done out of any altruistic feeling towards the wife; the letter writer had just quit her job, and wanted revenge on the senior partner.

It caused an ENORMOUS fall out and obviously, the affair ended, but the wife stayed with the guy and the senior partner was majorly fucked over both publicly and in the workplace. I mean, just desserts definitely, but I remember thinking fuck, all that grief caused by an anonymous letter.

I think you mean all the grief because a married man an affair.

As pp. It's the messenger who gets shot.

So, people don’t want to own their part in breaking up a family. Because you can defend telling the cheated on party all you like, but ultimately if you’re the one delivering the news then you’re partly responsible for breaking up the marriage.

Which is why anonymity is so gutless. But people do it because they don’t want to be the one who has sewed the seeds to break up a marriage. They don’t want to own their part in it. “Shooting the messenger” is just synonymous with “I don’t want to be a part of it so if I do it anonymously I can pretend I didn’t know.”

I mean, just desserts definitely, but I remember thinking fuck, all that grief caused by an anonymous letter.

By the letter or by the her affair + poor treatment of staff?

The moral is that if you treat people badly you need to be untouchable; or if you want to get away with a workplace affair either be nice to your colleagues or be so discreet that they don't find out.

But if this employee hadn't squealed it would have been someone else. People really do not like being complicit in affairs.

Or find out you've had an STI when you're diagnosed with infertility and it's too late to cheat.

Treat not cheat!

So, people don’t want to own their part in breaking up a family. Because you can defend telling the cheated on party all you like, but ultimately if you’re the one delivering the news then you’re partly responsible for breaking up the marriage.

The only person who broke up a family is the man.

Who had the affair? - He did
Whose been lying? HE did
Who could have told his wife/gf that he had an OW? - Him
Who betrayed the trust of his wife/gf? - He did
Who is responsible fir breaking up his family? - Him.

Not doing anything because of justifiable reasons is akin to putting yourself first ever though you know someone else is being but or put at risk. Why anyone thinks that is better amazes me when an alternative is to whistle blow anonymously.

Right, but none of those reasons apply to you. You didn’t do it because you cared, or because you were concerned, you did it because of revenge. And you’re enjoying the fallout.

Plenty of people on here insist if you know about these things you should let the wronged party know, but it always seemed to me to be an act of revenge rather than out of concern. That’s where a line is crossed.

I think people who are generally vengeful themselves tend to see revenge where it is not; just as people who are generally altruistic tend to see altruism where it is not.

Yu need to apportion blame where it is due which is on the cheat. The cheat blows up his partner's life not the letter.

The teller - who is not a mere uninvolved and neutral messenger sent by someone else - takes decisive action that has consequences that might not otherwise have happened. You may argue this is right or wrong, but arguing that it isn't an action that causes a consequence is nonsensical.

@UnsolicitedDickPic

As an aside (and perhaps mildly outing) I live in a relatively small rural area and a senior partner in the firm I worked in was the OW in a very long-standing affair. She was particularly mean to her employees (I worked for another senior partner and was spared her wrath!) and one of them took it upon themselves to write a letter to the wife outing the affair.

It wasn't done out of any altruistic feeling towards the wife; the letter writer had just quit her job, and wanted revenge on the senior partner.

It caused an ENORMOUS fall out and obviously, the affair ended, but the wife stayed with the guy and the senior partner was majorly fucked over both publicly and in the workplace. I mean, just desserts definitely, but I remember thinking fuck, all that grief caused by an anonymous letter.

Shame the guy didn’t get his just desserts, but I read this and think, excellent, what fantastic revenge on a nasty boss. Some may read it and be horrified someone would do such a thing and live their life preferring to keep quiet and out of trouble in many situations, not just one like this. I’m definitely a ‘stand up, make a noise and call out injustice when you see it’ type, and yes I admit I do have a vindictive streak too. All depends on many aspects of people’s personality, how they perceive such a situation. I do think though that the bottom line is it’s better for the person being cheated on to find out - obviously it’s best if they can be told in as painless and gentle a way possible but if they have to find out in a brutal way, that’s still better in the long run because then they at least know the truth. I would ALWAYS prefer to know if I was being cheated on, no matter how I found out.