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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Match on Bumble, red flags?

168 replies

Wolfie11 · 13/10/2021 10:12

I’m new to the dating game and recently downloaded Bumble. I’ve never done online dating before or anything and have pretty much been in a relationship since I became an adult so my radar might be a bit off!

I matched with someone yesterday who I’ve got a lot in common with. We messaged back and forth most of yesterday, I gave him my number and we sent voice notes etc but some of the things he has said have put me off him slightly. For example:

• He said that he would give me a ‘silver star’ as usually most girls don’t get this far with him in the talking stage Confused.

• He asked what are my best and worst physical attributes. I said my legs and bum are my best, he then said he’d been on my Instagram and couldn’t find any photos of my bum and asked for one. I sent him a fully clothed photo at a party where you can see my figure. He replied with a voice note saying he was disappointed and that wasn’t the kind of photo he was looking for and I was going down in his estimation to a bronze star. I told him if I was going to send photos of my ass to strangers I would do it on only fans and at least get paid for it! He stopped then.

• Chat was normal again, it was getting late so said goodnight and he said “top tip for you, I like cute morning texts” and “strong first day”.

I haven’t sent a morning text. Does anyone else have an opinion on the above? It’s annoying because I do actually quite like him and we have a lot in common but these comments have put me off. Not sure if I’m being unfair with that though!

OP posts:
KarenofSparta · 13/10/2021 13:42

X -posted there OP.

Your instincts were obviously right, they caused you to post here. My advice about the OLD threads stands & I wish you all the best .

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/10/2021 13:57

That's good OP, focus on getting yourself back to a really strong headspace before dating again Thanks

And don't agonise over what to say to this guy - just block him. He'll be saying the same rude, entitled shit to multiple women every morning and won't even notice who stops replying, he will just find new victims! So don't reply, just block him.

AhNowTed · 13/10/2021 14:21

God no, he sounds like a total wanker.

dottiedodah · 13/10/2021 14:32

Too early for Halloween Horror! Send him back ASAP!

Twizbe · 13/10/2021 14:34

@Wolfie11 that last voice message 🤮

He's such a dick.

darklindor · 13/10/2021 14:35

No answer is the best answer OP, he'll hate that. Star

DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 14:35

Good to hear you're throwing this one back in, and the fucking stars he rode in on.

Dating is about finding a compatible person, not putting up with bollocking shite from twats to try to prove you're a nice person. Your duty to womankind and humanity in general is not to enable this kind of starry, starry shite.

Cas112 · 13/10/2021 14:36

Sounds like a creep

Tellmeee · 13/10/2021 14:38

I never give my number out until after we’ve met for this very reason!

Fruitandnuts · 13/10/2021 14:42

Don't educate him, he only 'Not' do it to the next woman and she'll think he's lovely coz he'd have learnt its awful behaviour.

Silence is golden, just ignore him. Then block and congratulate yourself for posting here

minniesdragg · 13/10/2021 14:54

Ugh. No.

BlueSlate · 13/10/2021 14:55

He'll think he's really suave sending that message too.

I've met men like that before. The real, l'il lady type. You'd also be expected to be pretty, 'groomed', deferent, docile and compliant...

BeggarsMeddle · 13/10/2021 14:57

In theory, using his 'rating' strategy, I'd be tempted to inform him that his performance hasn't merited a star of any kind. In reality I'd just block.

Buildingthefuture · 13/10/2021 15:03

Well. Doesn’t HE think he’s the dogs bollocks! I’d be tempted to tell him that his approach is about as sexually exciting as taking a laxative and it had made my bits shrivel up!!! I wouldn’t though, I would just block and ignore. Move on, he’s a colossal Twat..

TubeOfSmarties · 13/10/2021 15:32

OP, it's fine if you want to stay away from OLD til you feel ready, but just by way of reassuring you, it was very much his boundaries that were all wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it. The whole thing takes a bit of getting used to and your instincts were good enough to come here and say "this is off, right?". I've ended up quite liking it when someone asks my bra size 2 messages in (i mean, WTF?) as at least then i know not to waste my time

Glitterybug · 13/10/2021 15:44

I'm glad you've recognised your boundaries need some work. Don't be afraid to enforce them! You decide what's acceptable to you and don't accept anything less.

specialsauce · 13/10/2021 15:45

I'd have a bit of fun with this and put him in his place. Tell him that unfortunately he was awarded 'no stars' today as he didnt pass the 'not a narcissist test'. Tell him he was also downgraded for lack of romance re: the wanting a 'bum' pic too early in proceedings that his general lack of social awareness was totally off putting.

liveforsummer · 13/10/2021 15:50

Eww, this is a self absorbed sex obsessed guy at best - run!

Guetzlibache · 13/10/2021 16:06

Well done Wolfie11.So pleased you realised,need do do a little more self reflection.maybe a few session with a counceller will help to find out,why you "choose" men who treat you 2.class.I wish you all the very best and hope in time you will meet a chap who treats you with respect and real loveFlowers

TheFoundations · 13/10/2021 16:46

@Wolfie11

Thanks for the replies, all pretty unanimous. I didn’t message him and he sent me a voice note this morning saying “hmm bit confused (my name), there’s only 33 minutes left in the morning and I’ve still not had a cute message off you. Well you’ve still got time!” I’ve not replied.

Reading this thread has definitely made me realise there’s something wrong my with boundaries and I’m probably not ready for dating, never mind OLD. I didn’t feel like these comments were okay but I kept talking to him anyway because I thought it was probably me that was the problem. My last relationship has probably messed me up a little more than I realised. I had to tip toe around my ex and sort of dance to his tune, it was basically his way or the highway so I became the kind of person who just did whatever he wanted and said everything was okay when it wasn’t. Thankfully that’s all in the past now but I should probably work on myself a bit so I don’t end up in the same situation, or worse, again.

Thanks very much for all your advice, if/when I go back to OLD I definitely won’t be giving my number/social media out that early!

Boundaries is easy. When someone does something that puts you off, you tell them you didn't like it. If they keep doing it, you leave.

That's it. It gets made into this big lesson with a whopper learning curve where we have to take years to 'learn about ourselves' and 'work on ourselves', but the only mistake you've made here was that when he put you off, you looked at why you were faulty to be put off, rather than just accepting that you were put off, and walking away without further question.

Try to see it as a question of compatibility, rather than fair/unfair, right/wrong.

For example, if you're an early bird and your date is a night owl, then you're not compatible. Nobody has done anything wrong, and it's not unfair to say to him 'I'm sorry, this isn't going to work for me'

Your goal here isn't to 'get things right' or 'play by the rules' - it's to find a person who makes you laugh and who gets you and who respects you. Somebody you feel glad to hear from/see, every time.

Would it be fair to you to stay with someone who didn't offer you what you wanted?

Salayes · 13/10/2021 17:04

It’s great you’ve ignored him but it’s not necessarily the case you need to stop OLD. It can actually be a good place to test and strengthen your boundaries because in the first few chats very little is at stake - like with this guy. I’m not saying do it if you don’t feel comfortable, but you DID spot things were wrong - you posted here. It was a new experience for you but your spidey sense worked fine and you’ve taken action. That’s great boundaries right there. And honestly, these types get so easy to spot once you’ve seen it a couple of times.

TipiForMe · 13/10/2021 18:02

Where do these men come from? It’s SO disrespectful on every level. Immature beyond belief. As someone said, close to negging too.

Unfortunately having done a bit of online dating, this humourless banter is quite normalised. Are there any normal, fun, respecting men out there? Im afraid even if they get past the “written” test ie no red flags there, you have the ones who quietly show they’re weirdo jerks over the next 3 - 6 months. If you get past that OP, you deserve a gold cup! Good luck.

2catsandhappy · 13/10/2021 18:06

Good update op! I

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/10/2021 18:16

Revolting id text him and say its a n points from me. Tosser.

PumpkinsandTea · 13/10/2021 18:45

@Wolfie11 Have you heard anymore from him? What a freak! Please either ignore him completely or tell him he's not made it to the next round!