Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have been promoted above my boyfriend at work

148 replies

Thelastcommercial · 09/10/2021 12:02

I have been having a relationship with a co-worker for the last three years. We work in the same area of the same company and until 2 weeks ago we were peers so spend a lot of time together professionally and personally which has so far worked out okay. I started later in the role than him and he was more successful at what we do than me at the beginning.

Recently I have become the most successful in the team and the manager has supported a promotion for me, and I have been in discussions about leading the division that my boyfriend and I work in. This would mean a small pay rise but significantly it would mean that I become more externally facing eg I would represent the company in external discussions or panels.

Outwardly, he (my boyfriend) seems like he is happy for me and supportive, but I know that he is not. Since my promotion has started being discussed I have noticed several changes in his behaviour:

  • he has become more irritated by me than usual. He will find problems in things I say or take things I say as critical when they are not. He has told me I have “changed” after talk of the promotion and when someone praises me he’ll often say “look at you. Little miss perfect.” He has started to occasionally storm out when we are talking after apparently taking offence at something I am saying that he finds critical. He never previously did this and I am really not an overly critical person.
  • He is flirting with other women much more in front of me in public settings. When I ask him about it, he says I am seeing things that are not true or making things up or paranoid or “crazy.”
  • When something significant happens for me and I know he has definitely seen it (Eg I recently had to launch the new business division I am leading in front of an audience 350 people and make a speech about our subject matter, and he was in the audience) he does not mention it or even comment on how it went. He and I went out for dinner after I did this and he did not bring it up. Eventually I asked him what he thought. His reply was “the person before you was good.” I said that’s really unkind. And he was saying “oh sorry, I just mean I used to think that person was poor but they’ve obviously improved. Of course YOU were good.”

I confronted him about it all and said did he feel uncomfortable that I was getting promoted? and of course he denied it.

We have had two years of quite a normal, mutually supportive relationship and so when this happens it feels surprising and worrying to me. He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

OP posts:
MrsFin · 09/10/2021 12:08

One of you will have to find a new job. I'm surprised your employer has allowed you to be promoted to a position of superiority over someone you're in a relationship with - for this very reason.

GrandmasCat · 09/10/2021 12:08

Sad as it is, some men do feel emasculated if the woman is doing better than them.

I would reframe that from trying for him to change and embrace the new you, to decide how much of this behaviour are you prepared to put up with.

Personally, I would call his bluff and ask him if he prefers to take some time off as he is currently finding you so irritating. But then, I am not good at being put down by insecure people so I may be biased.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2021 12:12

His true colours are coming out now op. He us not happy for you. He is attempting to sabotage your confidence because he is a spiteful, jealous little man.

I'm sorry op but I think you should take this promotion and leave him. Once contempt has entered a relationship, there is no salvaging it.

You deserve a partner who will lift you up ahd support you. And whilst anyone might feel a little but jealous about misdibg out in promotion, a decent human being would be extatic for their partner and seek to do all they could to support them in their new role. Because love isn't selfish.

This guy is not partner material.
He is not a nice person and fqr from having your back, he actualy means you emotional harm.

Cut him lose.

Capricornandproud · 09/10/2021 12:13

You need to run for the fucking hills love. These are huge red flags of abuse, so much so that examples you’ve given there are mentioned in the Freedom Programme run by women’s aid. No healthy male should react this way to your promotion. No normal male should be so sneery and belittling as to call you ‘Little Miss Perfect’. That comment was designed to upset you, unbalance you, make you doubt yourself and for him to gain an upper hand. I would have knee’d him in the balls immediately and told him to get fucked! Don’t let the thought of leading team if you split disturb you either. You need rid of that immature, nasty person in your life. WELL DONE on the promotion and keeping moving up girl!!

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2021 12:15

It can"t be easy, having your partner in a position above you at work, unless you enter the relationship in this position. It also isn't great professionally for either of you or your co workers. I don't think it's necessarily gender related, as I would hate for my DP to be superior to me at work too.

I once had a boss who was married to one of our co workers and it was awful. Mind you, he wasnt very professional generally.

If you want your relationship to work, one of you needs to move on imo.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 09/10/2021 12:17

Congratulations on your promotion!
And if he is being like this you need to break up - someone who loves you will be happy for you and support you, not such a twunt.

SilverGlassHare · 09/10/2021 12:18

Congratulations on your potential promotion. Dump the bloke. If he’d been acting a bit low and demoralised, I’d have said see how it goes, he’ll probably get over it, but he’s being cruel and spiteful, even at the thought of you getting ahead. You don’t need that in your life.

category12 · 09/10/2021 12:18

I think you're going to need to end the relationship.

He ought to be really proud of you and supportive, but he's just jealous and trying to bring you low.

Unless he acknowledges what he's doing, apologises and sorts himself out, you need to ditch him.

SameToo · 09/10/2021 12:18

One of the main reasons places discourage relationships with other staff.

Dump him. He’s jealous. Well done on your promotion.

Aderyn21 · 09/10/2021 12:19

I'd end this too. Now you've really seen him, you can't go back. I can understand feeling jealous and even appreciate that it will be difficult for him to feel left behind in the career that he initially was ahead in, but being deliberately cruel and undermining, is just nasty and not how someone who truly loved you, would behave.

YRGAM · 09/10/2021 12:21

Yep, this is why companies don't let this sort of thing happen. It's unfortunately human nature. Leave the job or leave the man

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 12:22

Your boyfriend is a pathetic, jealous little man. His mask has slipped and this is who he really is. You need to dump him and hope the breakup doesn't impact your career. In the future, don't date men you work with, it rarely ends well.

headintheproverbial · 09/10/2021 12:22

Agree with others I'm afraid.

Even if he had reacted well I'd be wondering how sustainable it was for you to work together like this (if he will be in your direct reporting line).

However this reaction is petty and nasty and raises huge red flags. I'm afraid you have to end this one.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 12:24

He’s envious and bitter you are being promoted and he is not. He can’t work for you. He needs to find another job, do management know about your relationship?

HarrisonStickle · 09/10/2021 12:24

I think the relationship has come to the end of the road.

He doesn't like that you've been promoted. A decent person would realise they needed to look for a new job if they couldn't accept you in a higher position than them at work. Whilst they were doing that, a decent person would support you.

Instead, he's turned nasty. That's the sign of an unpleasant person who can't handle being emasculated (in his eyes) by a woman so instead of doing something proactive about their own feelings and their own worklife, they choose to try and bring you down. Not nice.

TheFlis12345 · 09/10/2021 12:25

DH and I met at work, doing roughly the same role. I was promoted while he was working notice after they let him go. I felt awful about it but he could not have been more thrilled for me, bought me a card and flowers, went round telling everyone how proud he was and how much I deserved it. That’s how it should be! I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t support my achievements 100%.

Salayes · 09/10/2021 12:28

A little soreness or jealousy as an initial reaction is not wildly unreasonable as something to feel in this sort of situation, HOWEVER, he’s clearly not emotionally mature or secure enough to have dealt with that and be supportive. Instead, he’s resorting to trying to bring you down while also refusing to admit he has a problem with this. Sorry but that would be enough for me to end things - as it shows that he was only happy with you while he felt you were ‘equals’ ( or he was more successful) work wise - and cannot handle you having greater success in this area.

So where does that leave you? Leaving the job
to make him feel better? Taking his mean comments and accepting him being difficult? Waiting for it to calm down and feeling anything you do achieve from now on you can’t share or enjoy as he will be a dick about it?

He’s left you with no good option here as he’s shown his jealousy is something he is willing to indulge in to make you feel bad and him better. Essentially he’s punishing you for succeeding. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

KaleJuicer · 09/10/2021 12:28

I’m afraid you’ve seen his true colours. He sounds like a nasty man. Even if you or he move jobs, so the immediate situation is resolved, the fact remains that he is immature and unkind. I met my husband at work and while we no longer work together we are in the same class industry and support and celebrate each other’s successes.

category12 · 09/10/2021 12:31

@TheFlis12345

DH and I met at work, doing roughly the same role. I was promoted while he was working notice after they let him go. I felt awful about it but he could not have been more thrilled for me, bought me a card and flowers, went round telling everyone how proud he was and how much I deserved it. That’s how it should be! I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t support my achievements 100%.
This is what you should have, OP.
Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 12:31

That’s the thing he’s not just jealous and bitter he’s also gaslighting you and lying to you and wishing make you feel shit,he wants to put you down.

It’s a really unpleasant character trait, I suspect he’d likely have done it if anyone else in the team was promoted above him, particularly a woman.

He’s that guy who thinks he’s entitled, it should have been him. He’s better, and you only got it for bullshit reasons,

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 12:31

i'D end it on the grounds that he's clearly not comfortable with the situation anymore. Calling you little miss perfect and flirting with other women in front of you is an ''equalising'' move. He's trying to bring you down to make himself feel better. And denying it's happening even though you KNOW your interpretation of events is correct by calling you paranoid and crazy!!

GrandmasCat · 09/10/2021 12:33

You can also get his bluff and tell him, he can apply for jobs to have his potential appreciated elsewhere.

Oh wait! you cannot longer said that as it may be misconstrued at work! It is not the same to tell that to your partner than to your supervisee. Confused

Tellmeee · 09/10/2021 12:34

He’s jealous and he’s not doing a very good job of hiding it. He could at least say the right things to your face even if he was secretly finding it hard.

I think you should challenge him on it each time.

babouchette · 09/10/2021 12:36

There was a point early on my in relationship with DH when I got a pay rise that meant I earned more than him. He was a total dick about it and basically didn't speak to me for a couple of days. When I realised what was going on I immediately dumped him. I told him I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to see me succeed. He apologised profusely and asked me to take him back, which I warily did, and I'm pleased to say it was never an issue ever again.

Honestly it would be a total deal breaker for me. Your partner should want you to fly, not knock you down.

Mantlemoose · 09/10/2021 12:37

In a personal relationship no one person should manage the other which is entirely different from a workplace. It isn't something that can be switched on during the day and switched off at night. I think he is dealing with it in an immature manner but perhaps he doesn't know how to deal with it any other way. One of you needs to find another job whether you stay together or seperate.