I have been promoted above my boyfriend at work

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I have been having a relationship with a co-worker for the last three years. We work in the same area of the same company and until 2 weeks ago we were peers so spend a lot of time together professionally and personally which has so far worked out okay. I started later in the role than him and he was more successful at what we do than me at the beginning.

Recently I have become the most successful in the team and the manager has supported a promotion for me, and I have been in discussions about leading the division that my boyfriend and I work in. This would mean a small pay rise but significantly it would mean that I become more externally facing eg I would represent the company in external discussions or panels.

Outwardly, he (my boyfriend) seems like he is happy for me and supportive, but I know that he is not. Since my promotion has started being discussed I have noticed several changes in his behaviour:

• he has become more irritated by me than usual. He will find problems in things I say or take things I say as critical when they are not. He has told me I have “changed” after talk of the promotion and when someone praises me he’ll often say “look at you. Little miss perfect.” He has started to occasionally storm out when we are talking after apparently taking offence at something I am saying that he finds critical. He never previously did this and I am really not an overly critical person.
• He is flirting with other women much more in front of me in public settings. When I ask him about it, he says I am seeing things that are not true or making things up or paranoid or “crazy.”
• When something significant happens for me and I know he has definitely seen it (Eg I recently had to launch the new business division I am leading in front of an audience 350 people and make a speech about our subject matter, and he was in the audience) he does not mention it or even comment on how it went. He and I went out for dinner after I did this and he did not bring it up. Eventually I asked him what he thought. His reply was “the person before you was good.” I said that’s really unkind. And he was saying “oh sorry, I just mean I used to think that person was poor but they’ve obviously improved. Of course YOU were good.”

I confronted him about it all and said did he feel uncomfortable that I was getting promoted? and of course he denied it.

We have had two years of quite a normal, mutually supportive relationship and so when this happens it feels surprising and worrying to me. He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

Yeah, ditch the prick.

Congratulations on your promotion!

I don't know how you two are going to continue your relationship whilst working together. I think something has to give here.

He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

No.

I think the relationship is already over.

Bin him, he is showing his true colours. He sounds jealous and juvenile. I got a promotion at work and earnt significantly more than my DP, he was nothing but proud and happy for me.

Congratulations! Pretty sure he wouldn't mind the other way round. He should be happy for you, whilst simultaneously being disappointed himself if he went for it too.

He doesn’t want you to be more successful than him. He needs to feel superior. Ditch him.

Tell him you have noticed his feelings, that they are his to deal with and if he can't then you will be very sad to lose the relationship.

He needs to grow up.

He probably won't do that.

You need to decide which role is more important to you: your current position at work, or being his girlfriend.

I don't think things will "go back" to how they were. He's shown you his colours now.

Don't give up your promotion for this asshole!
He would never do the same for you.

As pp said, these are all signs of an abuser starting to drop their mask. And the calling you crazy thing? Is gaslighting.

You should be so proud about your promotion op! That's so cool! Don't let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve it.

I doubt he will have the respect to look for a new job. I would suggest breaking up with him and taking the promotion and if he causes you any drama in your new role then don't be slow to take it up with HR.

If needs must, you could always change jobs 6 months from now - once you have a solid reference for your new role. But hopefully it won't come to that.

The promotion has the added bonus of showing you your partner was fucking shit. You deserve better in all walks of life.

Unfortunately I think you are all right.

I just wanted this to be an enjoyable time in my life when everything is going right. But obviously it isn’t.

What if we do break up and he becomes difficult and starts trying to trip me up? That’s how deep I feel his resentment lies at the moment

Do you still like the person he's become? If he'd been like this from the start, would you have wanted a relationship with him?

Throw this one back...you deserve better

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

I don’t like him he is unrecognisable

I read somewhere (maybe on here) that people think that testosterone is the sex drive hormone, but it's not, it's the status competition hormone. Explains so much about male behaviour.

@Pinkbonbon

His true colours are coming out now op. He us not happy for you. He is attempting to sabotage your confidence because he is a spiteful, jealous little man.

I'm sorry op but I think you should take this promotion and leave him. Once contempt has entered a relationship, there is no salvaging it.

You deserve a partner who will lift you up ahd support you. And whilst anyone might feel a little but jealous about misdibg out in promotion, a decent human being would be extatic for their partner and seek to do all they could to support them in their new role. Because love isn't selfish.

This guy is not partner material.
He is not a nice person and fqr from having your back, he actualy means you emotional harm.

Cut him lose.

This.

And I agree that this is why so many companies have policies about relationships and managerial responsibility.

I would take the promotion and end the relationship. Even then, it’s going to be a challenging situation for you to manage if he doesn’t quit, but at least you would be doing it without a sneery, insecure boyfriend in tow.

Fuck that. Envious malicious little dickhead.

There’s no coming back from this I’m afraid OP.

See how he likes being managed by his ex.

Move on OP, he is not marriage/long term material. He’s shown his colours by being petty and a gaslighting prick rather than communicating like a grown up.

Massive red flags.

Go as far and as high as you can/want at work without any man’s approval or acceptance. I hope you do really well in the role. I do think senior management will have to reshuffle the team if you stay together though. I don’t see an issue professionally if you leave him and become his superior but he could become a nightmare.

@Thelastcommercial

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

For that alone, I’d dump him. Sorry.

Op do your superiors know you’re in a relationship with him? He may need to be moved out.

I also think the relationship is over, it’s now untenable he will not settle down and let you manage him or the team.

For the first few years my husband out earned me, I now earn about double his salary although he is a high earner in his own right, he’s never ever been anything but proud of me and frequently says blunts the breadwinner, which is not quite true, and bigs me up. If we had worked for the same team he’d have been even more proud.

This guy thinks he’s better than you. That you’ve got something you didn’t deserve but he did. It’s not going to get better. It’s going to get worse.

You need to end it before it becomes really damaging.

Well,now you know why it's always a mistake to have sex with work colleagues.

You have 2 options if he behaves like this.

Drop the promotion or drop the boyfriend.

You have to decide which gives YOU more satisfaction, support and encouragement.

My choice would be the promotion.

Sad as it is, some men do feel emasculated if the woman is doing better than them

why do these threads always have to go this way? Yes, he is jealous but it's nothing to do with his gender, it's more human nature and nothing to do with her being a woman. Men are jealous of men, women are jealous of women and the list goes on. I don't see why op being a woman and him male defines it or is relevant. It's just jealously.

Dump him....if you have to warn your manager he may try to undermine you.
Unless you get rock solid support at work, then quietly look at other roles....

Its not about the job as such...he has shown you who he really is, this is a much more important thing for your relationship.

The diversity bias comment is vile.