I have been promoted above my boyfriend at work

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I have been having a relationship with a co-worker for the last three years. We work in the same area of the same company and until 2 weeks ago we were peers so spend a lot of time together professionally and personally which has so far worked out okay. I started later in the role than him and he was more successful at what we do than me at the beginning.

Recently I have become the most successful in the team and the manager has supported a promotion for me, and I have been in discussions about leading the division that my boyfriend and I work in. This would mean a small pay rise but significantly it would mean that I become more externally facing eg I would represent the company in external discussions or panels.

Outwardly, he (my boyfriend) seems like he is happy for me and supportive, but I know that he is not. Since my promotion has started being discussed I have noticed several changes in his behaviour:

• he has become more irritated by me than usual. He will find problems in things I say or take things I say as critical when they are not. He has told me I have “changed” after talk of the promotion and when someone praises me he’ll often say “look at you. Little miss perfect.” He has started to occasionally storm out when we are talking after apparently taking offence at something I am saying that he finds critical. He never previously did this and I am really not an overly critical person.
• He is flirting with other women much more in front of me in public settings. When I ask him about it, he says I am seeing things that are not true or making things up or paranoid or “crazy.”
• When something significant happens for me and I know he has definitely seen it (Eg I recently had to launch the new business division I am leading in front of an audience 350 people and make a speech about our subject matter, and he was in the audience) he does not mention it or even comment on how it went. He and I went out for dinner after I did this and he did not bring it up. Eventually I asked him what he thought. His reply was “the person before you was good.” I said that’s really unkind. And he was saying “oh sorry, I just mean I used to think that person was poor but they’ve obviously improved. Of course YOU were good.”

I confronted him about it all and said did he feel uncomfortable that I was getting promoted? and of course he denied it.

We have had two years of quite a normal, mutually supportive relationship and so when this happens it feels surprising and worrying to me. He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too

Ouch that's just plain old mean !

@Sofaking355

Except OP has said he has asked her to admit ‘diversity bias’ is in play - so clearly he is looking at it that way. Why would you assume his jealousy has nothing to do with gender issues in the same way you think others have (rightly in this case) assumed they are

yes, but she drip-fed it, and I nor or the person who said I was responding to knew yet it was gender-based as they said it before op had drip-fed it.

Why would you assume his jealousy has nothing to do with gender issues

It just pisses me off how on mn and various other social media platforms we are so quick to define genders by the behaviour of x,y and z. The same way people say groups of women are bitchy when iin actual reality men in groups are often very similar.

Fair enough. I think it’s hard when assumptions are made about wider motivations and issues, but also often assumptions are made based on trends or personal experience. In this case it seems to me a fair few people had experienced this sort of thing from men and so had made a fairly educated guess this issue was in play. However, I agree with you that it’s always good to check where we go assumption wise and when we make those generalisations in any sense. I know I can come at things from certain assumptions which aren’t always right. Thanks for explaining

I think a key question that the OP hasn't yet answered is whether her employer is aware of their relationship or not.

But yes, the relationship is over. It might not feel like it yet OP but you've dodged a bullet here. He's really shown his true colours.

I'd say that even if you don't get the promotion, you've still dodged a bullet there. I'd be dumping him FAST

Brilliant post @ChargingBuck

@bigbaggyeyes

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too

Ouch that's just plain old mean !

Wow. You must admit you didnt deserve your promotion?????

@Sofaking355

however , it does seem that many men enjoy perceiving themselves as the dominant one in relationships, in relation to a female partner in particular. Some men, even in this day & age, also have never got over the fact that women are in the workplace, and they can actually be very good at their jobs, including outperforming men at times! shock This is very unsettling for some men who've built their sense of self-worth around being better than women when it comes to certain things

I am a man and all my superiors at work are women and I don't think any less of them because of their gender, I am in awe of them and would love to be as good as themthem. Gender to me means bugger all, I generally see genders as the same and human nature as universal. People are people.

And that's fine, we're not talking about you, an individual man. We're talking about broad patterns that typically exist amongst males. For example, you may have never been violent to someone, but crime stats show that's the perpetrators or physical and sexual violence are overwhelmingly male. Despite this, there is no shortage of men who, every time women start to talk about these issues, will wade into the centre and start shushing them just because they haven't personally been violent to a woman.

You may feel personally aggrieved or even attacked when women start to talk about certain issues, but please don't do the incredibly common thing that a lot of men who which is to basically do the equivalent of #notallmen - I don't see gender, I'm not sexist, I'm not like that, no man I know is like that. Yeah, but when you deny women's experience simply on the basis that you yourself are not like that or haven't witnessed it, the message it communicates it that women should simply hush-up simply because one man finds it personally irrelevant.

And we're not going to @Sofaking355 .

Unless you haven't noticed, this is Mumsnet, where women are allowed to discuss inconvenient truths or experiences, no matter if it's relevant to your life as a man or not.

So he was quite happy and content when he viewed you as 'inferior' or 'beneath him' at work, back when you were new, and he was already 'entrenched' at work ?

And now, all of a sudden, now that you've been promoted above him he's all ''Well, they've only given the job to you BECAUSE you're a 'woman' !

Did he also try for promotion at some point ?

He's very obviously a very little man with very misogynistic ideas, isn't he ??

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.” Erm.............NO !!!!

He needs to admit that you're more successful at work than him and IT BURNS HIM UP !! Prick !

Dump his sorry ass and continue to shine ! (But I'd be mentioning to my boss that my Ex is gunning for me since the split)

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

What a fucking prick.

The thing is, if he said this about any other woman getting promoted and it was reported to management, he would be reprimanded for it.

But the lines get blurry between private and work conversations when people date colleagues and it becomes harder to manage everything within the company's usual policies. It's so messy and leaves everyone involved vulnerable.

I couldn't date someone who was so spiteful, jealous and sexist. So the relationship would be over.

Then I guess it's up to you and your manager to discuss his work performance if it becomes an issue after you break up.

Is everyone aware you're a couple?

@MrsFin

One of you will have to find a new job. I'm surprised your employer has allowed you to be promoted to a position of superiority over someone you're in a relationship with - for this very reason.

Really? As long as you are not having it off on the boardroom table any personal relationship you have is nothing to do with your employer. Your boyfriend will have to get over himself or dump him.

I came to say what @ChargingBuck said (but far less eloquently) definitely speak to HR about that shit. Sorry that your relationship has ended in such a crappy way, but you have to take steps to protect yourself from abuse. Xxx

@YRGAM

Yep, this is why companies don't let this sort of thing happen. It's unfortunately human nature. Leave the job or leave the man

Failing that, just leave the man.

He’s telling you who he is OP - listen.

You’ve done brilliantly and he should be so proud of you. Instead he’s bitter and jealous and trying to pull you down. What a pathetic dick. You can do so much better.

I was doing a different job but almost the same pay as my then boyfriend, now husband at the same workplace when we first met. I got a promotion and started earning more than him and he was nothing but proud and delighted for me.

He then got a big promotion and earned a lot more than me and I was equally pleased for him. I left the company and got a job elsewhere earning the same as him. Again he couldn’t have been happier. That’s how it should be in relationships - be pleased for eachothers successes. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who tried to drag me down instead of helping me soar.

This is how it started with my abusive ex. He was older and had a manual job. I was a student when we met and a lawyer by the time we split. He wasn’t proud of me, he was jealous and did what he could to bring me down. Picking fights the night before exams, undermining my confidence. When I got the offer of a training contract to start in 12 months, he started pushing to have a baby! Fortunately I succeeded inspite of him.

Don’t be me.

@MrsFin

One of you will have to find a new job. I'm surprised your employer has allowed you to be promoted to a position of superiority over someone you're in a relationship with - for this very reason.

I hope you aren't suggesting that she should give up her job and stay with him?

I think the OP will be better off without such a man trying to knock her down. And he should leave. Not her.

Mr Thatcher he isn't. I'd dump him personally.

Christ he basically told you to admit you got it as you’re female or some other grouping?

What a shit he is.

I’m slightly concerned you’re not answering if management know you’re in a relationship with him op?

@Thelastcommercial

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

He sounds revolting. Really revolting. I would confront him about it. I believe in giving people one chance. I'd say his behaviour has been gross since your promotion and if he isn't prepared to admit his jealousy and the damage it's doing to your relationship then there's no future. Be very clear and list the occasions, as you have here. And let him know that you are prepared to discuss it with management if he starts to play manipulative divide and rule games or try to undermine you at work because he hasn't faced up to his jealousy.

Ffs! Yet another man who can't cope with his partners success 😕

If your boyfriend is anything but supportive of your promotion then get rid of him while it is free to do so. Right now you don’t have to pay a lawyer to get rid of him.

If your partner is anything but proud and supportive of your success then you just need to be done.

Men can be extremely competitive so it’s likely he feels threatened by your success and him being critical and openly flirting with other women is a way for him to put you in your place.

If this were me I would be done with him. Like I said.. you can get rid of this man for free. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who instead of being proud and happy is instead resentful and jealous?

Any decent man would be singing your praises and telling you how proud of you he is. Instead this loser is puffing out his chest trying to cut you down.

He is very definitely gaslighting you. Which is not okay, even if he is jealous of your success. He should be supporting your goals. I say the relationships over tbh

You need to move on. I'm really sorry. I've been with my DH for 19 years, and in that time we have been utter dicks to each other in many ways, but we've never ever been jealous of each other's success. Love means you want the best for someone, even when they are doing your head in. He's not a keeper.

You ‘must admit’ there was some ‘diversity bias at play’ - what a snivelling shit. He can’t stand your promotion and yes, he resents you for it. He wants to knock the shine off it.
That’s not nice.

@Thelastcommercial

Unfortunately I think you are all right.

I just wanted this to be an enjoyable time in my life when everything is going right. But obviously it isn’t.

What if we do break up and he becomes difficult and starts trying to trip me up? That’s how deep I feel his resentment lies at the moment

My instinct would be to preempt this behaviour so once you’re in your new position and you’ve called time on this relationship flag your concerns about his response to your promotion (I realise the wisdom of this depends upon the culture where you work and your relationship with your manager). If in fact he doesn’t try and undermine you then fine but if he does the spotlight will be on him rather than you.

Well done on your promotion. He should be pleased for you but he’s not because he thinks the job should have been his because he has testicles. I wouldn’t fancy being in a long term relationship with someone who is so disappointed by my successes or abilities that he decides to gaslight me into submission.