I have been promoted above my boyfriend at work

[Thelastcommercial]

I have been having a relationship with a co-worker for the last three years. We work in the same area of the same company and until 2 weeks ago we were peers so spend a lot of time together professionally and personally which has so far worked out okay. I started later in the role than him and he was more successful at what we do than me at the beginning.

Recently I have become the most successful in the team and the manager has supported a promotion for me, and I have been in discussions about leading the division that my boyfriend and I work in. This would mean a small pay rise but significantly it would mean that I become more externally facing eg I would represent the company in external discussions or panels.

Outwardly, he (my boyfriend) seems like he is happy for me and supportive, but I know that he is not. Since my promotion has started being discussed I have noticed several changes in his behaviour:

• he has become more irritated by me than usual. He will find problems in things I say or take things I say as critical when they are not. He has told me I have “changed” after talk of the promotion and when someone praises me he’ll often say “look at you. Little miss perfect.” He has started to occasionally storm out when we are talking after apparently taking offence at something I am saying that he finds critical. He never previously did this and I am really not an overly critical person.
• He is flirting with other women much more in front of me in public settings. When I ask him about it, he says I am seeing things that are not true or making things up or paranoid or “crazy.”
• When something significant happens for me and I know he has definitely seen it (Eg I recently had to launch the new business division I am leading in front of an audience 350 people and make a speech about our subject matter, and he was in the audience) he does not mention it or even comment on how it went. He and I went out for dinner after I did this and he did not bring it up. Eventually I asked him what he thought. His reply was “the person before you was good.” I said that’s really unkind. And he was saying “oh sorry, I just mean I used to think that person was poor but they’ve obviously improved. Of course YOU were good.”

I confronted him about it all and said did he feel uncomfortable that I was getting promoted? and of course he denied it.

We have had two years of quite a normal, mutually supportive relationship and so when this happens it feels surprising and worrying to me. He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

He's a class twat, real partners would be delighted you've bern promoted

@Pinkbonbon

His true colours are coming out now op. He us not happy for you. He is attempting to sabotage your confidence because he is a spiteful, jealous little man.

I'm sorry op but I think you should take this promotion and leave him. Once contempt has entered a relationship, there is no salvaging it.

You deserve a partner who will lift you up ahd support you. And whilst anyone might feel a little but jealous about misdibg out in promotion, a decent human being would be extatic for their partner and seek to do all they could to support them in their new role. Because love isn't selfish.

This guy is not partner material.
He is not a nice person and fqr from having your back, he actualy means you emotional harm.

Cut him lose.

This. ^ Sorry @Thelastcommercial but your boyfriend sounds like a nasty, spiteful, jealous little bitch. Bin him now. He will never support or champion anything you do - ever. Congratulations on your success!

Congrats on the promotion. Don't let him hold you back - he's jealous and if this is how he is now it's a red flag for the future in other areas. May be throw this one back and find someone more supportive and genuinely pleased for your successes.

@EarthSight Brilliant post! ^

Everything @ChargingBuck said is great. I would definitely do that ASAP.
That diversity comment is a real low blow. He doesn't think you deserve the promotion. He's not the one for you any more.

Congratulations on your promotion! I want to know why you are only getting a small pay rise. Get every cent you are worth!! (Misses point of thread.)

Boyfriend is an arse and should be dumped. Ask yourself how you would have reacted in his place. Start flirting with other men in front of him? Imply that his promotion was a fix-up rather than earned? No?

There is not one set of rules for his behaviour and another for yours. You deserve respect. You earned your promotion. You will be promoted again and again, I hope.

@Thelastcommercial

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

Oh no, so now he is effectively telling you that you didn’t get the job purely on merit.

Related, but not necessarily your case; white men had had and continue to receive privileges and benefits from being white men. They ducking hate the idea that others might actually receive a benefit from bias. They genuinely can’t see the irony.

Just be prepared if you end it for him to make that all your fault too as ‘you’ve changed since being promoted and now think you’re too good for him’…

After knowing and being with him for a lengthy time, he really should not have this kind of attitude towards you, but he is now a bit miffed. and jealous of your success, sadly, some people will react like this, even with a close partner. You will just have to ascertain , if you think that this is going to be a big problem in your relationship, like an ongoing issue, that has changed him so much, and has made him too resentful towards you.

Don't waste any more time on him. A long-term committed relationship is a real asset in life if, and only if, your partner is there for you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish - not necessarily till death do you part, but for the long haul, anyway. It would be a disaster to have a child with someone as mean-spirited and insecure as this pathetic little man. Even if children aren't in the plan, what is he bringing to your life that's positive?

He's an idiot. If he was doing well in the job a few years ago, but has stagnated, then it is probably time to look for a new job regardless of you being promoted.

Trust me you don't want to be with someone like this. He was obviously fine when he thought he had one up on you, but now he can't bear not being as good as you. It is pathetic and horrible to turn that on you, instead of wondering how he should improve himself.

It isnt possible to have a good relationship with someone who is jealous of you and so childish they can't recognise and manage the jealousy. I think you need to face the fact the relationship is going to fail.

However there is a chance he won't leave your employer, he will just stay and cause you trouble. This being the case, tread carefully so you don't provoke him, just gently allow yourselves to grow apart. No doubt he will blame the relationship failing on you,

Buckle up for a bumpy ride, if it drags on too long, dump him.

@Thelastcommercial

Unfortunately I think you are all right.

I just wanted this to be an enjoyable time in my life when everything is going right. But obviously it isn’t.

What if we do break up and he becomes difficult and starts trying to trip me up? That’s how deep I feel his resentment lies at the moment

What's the alternative? Staying with an abusive arsehole to make your work life easier? Yeah...of course not.

Do you have an hr department? If so (once you've accepted the job) 'just giving you quick heads up, I've broken up with Jim because he has not been nice to me lately...and I'm a little worried he is going to be spiteful about it. So just thought I better tell someone just incase. Hopefully it'll be fine but thought I'd better have a note of my concern incase he acts up'.

That way you get in there first and they'll get the picture whats what if he tries any bs.

Well his attitude speaks volumes about why it wasn't him who was promoted as he is clearly not a leader but a petty jealous little man.

My friend just split up with her husband who has been long term sick so she has been the only breadwinner for years. The way he spoke about her made me really angry whilst she would big him up. She really loved and appreciated him and didn't think herself superior but the man couldn't hack it.

OP I would also speak frankly to HR and see if they can either help deal with it or at least if there are issues in the future, they will have been forewarned.

This is way more than his hurt feelings, he’s being ab utter wanker to you.

You do need to dump him, for his treatment of you and his attitude

Hopefully he’ll find another job.

Don’t you dare let him ruin this for you!

Congratulations on your well deserved promotion

why do these threads always have to go this way? Yes, he is jealous but it's nothing to do with his gender, it's more human nature and nothing to do with her being a woman. Men are jealous of men, women are jealous of women and the list goes on. I don't see why op being a woman and him male defines it or is relevant. It's just jealously

@Sofaking355 I very much agree with you that a component of this could simply be general jealously.....however , it does seem that many men enjoy perceiving themselves as the dominant one in relationships, in relation to a female partner in particular. Some men, even in this day & age, also have never got over the fact that women are in the workplace, and they can actually be very good at their jobs, including outperforming men at times! This is very unsettling for some men who've built their sense of self-worth around being better than women when it comes to certain things.

The diversity comment makes is absolutely clear that there is at least a possibility that there is more at play here than general jealously. Also note the patronising, highly gendered language of 'Little Miss Perfect', which reminds me a lot of the image of the female, academic, high-achieving swot.

These issues seem very much to be one way. It's usually a man who's resentful of his high-achieving partner, not the other way around, because it threatens his self-perceived dominance - something that is more characteristic of what a lot more men want in their relationships with their female partners, (usually) than the other way around.

To deny that is to wilfully put your head in the sand. The question I have is what would motive you to do that?

I’d missed the diversity bias comment

That’s awful.

Dump him for being a misogynist alone!

Try testing him and say that you're thinking of not accepting the promotion as you don't think you're up to it. If he tells you it's a good idea, that's all you need to know. He wants you in an inferior position to him.

however , it does seem that many men enjoy perceiving themselves as the dominant one in relationships, in relation to a female partner in particular. Some men, even in this day & age, also have never got over the fact that women are in the workplace, and they can actually be very good at their jobs, including outperforming men at times! shock This is very unsettling for some men who've built their sense of self-worth around being better than women when it comes to certain things

I am a man and all my superiors at work are women and I don't think any less of them because of their gender, I am in awe of them and would love to be as good as themthem. Gender to me means bugger all, I generally see genders as the same and human nature as universal. People are people.

@Thelastcommercial

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

Is he implying that you didn't get your promotion on merit?

@wizzywig

Even if he passed that test though he would still be a nasty piece of work who has been flirting with other women in front of op, implied she didn't deserve her promotion and gaslighted her when she tried to call him out on his bs.

If he suddenly changed his mind and acted supportive, I would assume he had just put his mask back on so that he could continue to mess with her head.

Get out now. He’s a loser.

That's perilously close to 'I don't see colour', @Sofaking355. You are male. You won't therefore have personal experience of being treated as a lesser being on account of your sex. Most of us here are women and know all about it, unfortunately.

@Rubytoos Yes, but there is zero evidence to suggest that this situation would be any better if she was with a man who wasn't white (and we don't even know his ethnicity as far as I'm aware). Look around the world - misogyny, resentment, sexism, and a will to dominate and to gather power exists across most societies and ethnicities. That 'white' tag is often thrown unthinkingly into sentences where it isn't relevant.

sounds like his behavior towards you op, is not very professional or supportive.

Well done on your success, OP!

I'm surprised that so many posters think that company policies against in-house relationships are designed to prevent this kind of rivalry - I think it's the opposite, that the expectation is that the couple will be inclined to favour one another! And the reason for that is because partners tend to want one another to do well... unlike your boyfriend. I'm not one to say LTB too fast but I do think this is a dealbreaker given the behaviour you have described and what it implies for your long-term wellbeing and ability to thrive if you stay with him.

I think you need to consider quite shrewdly how you will approach the promotion process if you are to end it with him. If possible, and assuming your workplace knows about the relationship, I might try to secure the job first and then initiate a break up, so that he is less likely to try and sabotage you actually getting it... however, he's already being an idiot and you might think differently about how you want to play it. If your workplace doesn't know about it then is it something that you need to disclose?