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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have been promoted above my boyfriend at work

148 replies

Thelastcommercial · 09/10/2021 12:02

I have been having a relationship with a co-worker for the last three years. We work in the same area of the same company and until 2 weeks ago we were peers so spend a lot of time together professionally and personally which has so far worked out okay. I started later in the role than him and he was more successful at what we do than me at the beginning.

Recently I have become the most successful in the team and the manager has supported a promotion for me, and I have been in discussions about leading the division that my boyfriend and I work in. This would mean a small pay rise but significantly it would mean that I become more externally facing eg I would represent the company in external discussions or panels.

Outwardly, he (my boyfriend) seems like he is happy for me and supportive, but I know that he is not. Since my promotion has started being discussed I have noticed several changes in his behaviour:

he has become more irritated by me than usual. He will find problems in things I say or take things I say as critical when they are not. He has told me I have “changed” after talk of the promotion and when someone praises me he’ll often say “look at you. Little miss perfect.” He has started to occasionally storm out when we are talking after apparently taking offence at something I am saying that he finds critical. He never previously did this and I am really not an overly critical person.
He is flirting with other women much more in front of me in public settings. When I ask him about it, he says I am seeing things that are not true or making things up or paranoid or “crazy.”
When something significant happens for me and I know he has definitely seen it (Eg I recently had to launch the new business division I am leading in front of an audience 350 people and make a speech about our subject matter, and he was in the audience) he does not mention it or even comment on how it went. He and I went out for dinner after I did this and he did not bring it up. Eventually I asked him what he thought. His reply was “the person before you was good.” I said that’s really unkind. And he was saying “oh sorry, I just mean I used to think that person was poor but they’ve obviously improved. Of course YOU were good.”

I confronted him about it all and said did he feel uncomfortable that I was getting promoted? and of course he denied it.

We have had two years of quite a normal, mutually supportive relationship and so when this happens it feels surprising and worrying to me. He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

OP posts:

Sylvvie · 09/10/2021 16:10

I am totally petty and would start throwing back at him how "it's ok to feel emasculated due to my success, I hope you find a way to work through it" and other shitty comments.

The mature approach however would be to just ditch him and move on. Share your concerns about him retaliating with your boss so it can be monitored and dealt with swiftly, and when he starts escalating into petty behaviour then document EVERYTHING.

Also, look after yourself let yourself mourn the relationship in the normal way. Often it's bandied about on here to "just leave" but it is rarely easy and as sad as any other breakup, no matter how justified the breakup is. It's still ok to mourn the loss of someone, even if they are a complete dick.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2021 16:11

Dump him.

Then ask for a short meeting with HR, just to let them know your situation and give them a heads up on his resentful, undermining behaviour. It is a work issue because his behaviour might have a negative impact on the company, if he continues with it. They'll have seen it all before.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2021 16:13

He should look for another job, obviously. But that's up to him (unless or until he creates the need for you and HR to manage him out, or outright dismiss him).

Ginger1982 · 09/10/2021 16:25

I'm betting work don't know you are together?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 09/10/2021 16:27

Dump
Him. What a tool.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 09/10/2021 16:28

Dump him and inform HR

blueshoes · 09/10/2021 17:19

If you leave him, you would be left with a disgruntled subordinate who is possibly out to sabotage your career.

I think you need to think carefully about how this would play out at work before you dump him and get your ducks in a row HR-wise and with your manager. It will be difficult to move him to another department (he presumably will cry foul and he needs to agree to it) so is it possible for you to do something so he is not in your team? I am almost tempted to ask whether there is a posting to another location or department or office that you can take.

Whatever you do, do not give up on your promotion.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2021 17:26

He's the problem. He's the one who needs to move.

He either shapes up and gets used to the situation, or he ships out.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 09/10/2021 20:04

Great post @ChargingBuck. I met DH at work, we started around the same time. At one point he considered a promotion which would have meant he was my boss but was told I would have to find a new position by our overall manager with double standards who was seeing someone who reported to them (and gave them a big pay rise then put measures on another manager who raised concerns about that) but he didn't bother in the end and switched departments.

But, I digress, it wasn't long into our relationship that the office all knew we were seeing each other. The 'official' announcement was met with a lot of 'yeah, we knew!' Three years in, people will know.

Sorry he's being a shit OP, at least you've got the measure of him now. Absolutely run for the hills.

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 02:25

Dump him... onwards and upwards in your new role 🌸

Justilou1 · 10/10/2021 03:25

Bin him. He’s a toxic individual and you’ll end up needing to prop him up the whole time you’re with him.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/10/2021 10:29

Are you alright @Thelastcommercial ? How are things going?

Dery · 14/10/2021 10:46

"I could understand some mixed feelings, and maybe not raving about your presentation as much as me might normally have done as its early days into your progression but he has crossed many lines here.

Flirting with other women to try and validate himself also bring you down, claiming you are not worthy of the job (the crack about diversity quotas), criticising you repeatedly, and worst of all I think- not owning up to an element of butt-hurtedness. We are all human, I'm sure you would've understood. Instead he has tried to gaslight you.

I don't think you should live with this level of untempered resentment. Is the promotion secured? If not, I might wait until it is before making any big moves."

This. I also understand why it might have stung a little at first but his behaviour about it is horrible and very revealing about a truly unpleasant side to his character. After the initial sting, he should have been behind you all the way. Instead, he's been vicious and undermining about it.

Northernparent68 · 14/10/2021 11:13

His behaviour is poor but did the op really think he’d be pleased his partner is his boss ? How many of those posters who are calling him insecure could cope with their partner being in a position of power over them at work ?

SpinsForGin · 14/10/2021 11:24

He resents you. He's gaslighting you and trying to undermine you. Not nice behaviour at all.

Unfortunately it appears the relationship is over.

Be proud of your achievements and don't let him bring you down.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 18/10/2021 07:48

He sounds unable to control his jealousy, the comment about diversity wasn't nice at all!

I worked in a team a few years ago when two people got together, they were both lovely and appeared very supportive of each other. One of them did move teams however and I completely understand why they did this. It was a large company so relatively easy to do. The one who remained did get promoted. I think even with the most rock solid relationship that would be difficult to adjust to. Also if it involves people managing that person you're into a whole world of pain. Not only for yourselves but from outside too.

AliceinBorderland · 18/10/2021 07:51

Haven't read the whole thing but I can understand someone being a bit crest fallen and emasculated.

But he isn't happy for you. His comments such as little miss perfect are spiteful. Presumably it would be fine if he had the promotion?

Id dump him

LookItsMeAgain · 18/10/2021 09:21

Congratulations on the promotion.

Can I recommend that you don't shit on your own doorstep again going forwards? Having a relationship with someone who works in the same company as you is all well and good until you or they may end up in the same department or on the same team. Then it starts getting very messy.
Time to give your other half an ultimatum - either he gets behind your promotion and stops all of these little digs or he can look for a transfer to another team and you'll be sending a note to HR to advise them that he is not the team player people thought he was due to him saying X, Y and Z (I really don't like the comment he made about diversity bias) because your promotion stays.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/10/2021 09:23

It's not up to the OP to help make her other half feel less emasculated. Only he can do that. What he's doing now is lashing out and trying to lick his wounds (of which there are few).

freeingNora · 18/10/2021 10:45

Congratulations on your promotion he was never really on your side otherwise he would be bigging you up instead he's childish and passive aggressive.

You were in a relationship with an ego not a partner

There's no man in this world you should be making yourself small for in order to maintain a relationship with them

SummerWhisper · 18/10/2021 23:51

Congratulations @Thelastcommercial. Also, your eyes have been opened to what a misogynistic, jealous, competitive, punitive and bitter prick he is. Delete any intimate photos of you from his phone if you can, to safeguard you against future bribery if you need to discipline him about his work. I'm aware of how dramatic that sounds, but he really does sound capable of trying to destroy you because his massive ego can't handle your success.

Wiredforsound · 19/10/2021 06:35

@Thelastcommercial

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

How dare he! Men do not own all the jobs. How dare he try to tramp on your parade. Congratulations OP, it sounds like your promotion is well deserved and you’ll do a brilliant job.

ElftonWednesday · 19/10/2021 06:41

@Sofaking355

Sad as it is, some men do feel emasculated if the woman is doing better than them

why do these threads always have to go this way? Yes, he is jealous but it's nothing to do with his gender, it's more human nature and nothing to do with her being a woman. Men are jealous of men, women are jealous of women and the list goes on. I don't see why op being a woman and him male defines it or is relevant. It's just jealously.

No, it's nothing to do with gender. But everything to do with biological sex, and her boyfriend playing toxic masculinity bingo.

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