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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have been promoted above my boyfriend at work

148 replies

Thelastcommercial · 09/10/2021 12:02

I have been having a relationship with a co-worker for the last three years. We work in the same area of the same company and until 2 weeks ago we were peers so spend a lot of time together professionally and personally which has so far worked out okay. I started later in the role than him and he was more successful at what we do than me at the beginning.

Recently I have become the most successful in the team and the manager has supported a promotion for me, and I have been in discussions about leading the division that my boyfriend and I work in. This would mean a small pay rise but significantly it would mean that I become more externally facing eg I would represent the company in external discussions or panels.

Outwardly, he (my boyfriend) seems like he is happy for me and supportive, but I know that he is not. Since my promotion has started being discussed I have noticed several changes in his behaviour:

  • he has become more irritated by me than usual. He will find problems in things I say or take things I say as critical when they are not. He has told me I have “changed” after talk of the promotion and when someone praises me he’ll often say “look at you. Little miss perfect.” He has started to occasionally storm out when we are talking after apparently taking offence at something I am saying that he finds critical. He never previously did this and I am really not an overly critical person.
  • He is flirting with other women much more in front of me in public settings. When I ask him about it, he says I am seeing things that are not true or making things up or paranoid or “crazy.”
  • When something significant happens for me and I know he has definitely seen it (Eg I recently had to launch the new business division I am leading in front of an audience 350 people and make a speech about our subject matter, and he was in the audience) he does not mention it or even comment on how it went. He and I went out for dinner after I did this and he did not bring it up. Eventually I asked him what he thought. His reply was “the person before you was good.” I said that’s really unkind. And he was saying “oh sorry, I just mean I used to think that person was poor but they’ve obviously improved. Of course YOU were good.”

I confronted him about it all and said did he feel uncomfortable that I was getting promoted? and of course he denied it.

We have had two years of quite a normal, mutually supportive relationship and so when this happens it feels surprising and worrying to me. He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 13:00

What if we do break up and he becomes difficult and starts trying to trip me up? That’s how deep I feel his resentment lies at the moment

Unfortunately, I think these concerns are well founded. He's already being an abusive prick, and breaking up with him is going to make it worse. You do not have a choice, though, this relationship is already over. I really hope you will not have to involve your boss in this situation. What a mess.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/10/2021 13:02

he needs to move jobs if he cant cope

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2021 13:03

Keep the promotion and dump the boyfriend. He is not the person you thought he was and he absolutely feels threatened by your promotion.

That is his issue, not yours and besides which you’re not a rehab center for some badly raised man.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 09/10/2021 13:05

I also came on to ask if work knows about the relationship or it was secret-if so is there a policy against it?

TatianaBis · 09/10/2021 13:05

It’s a blessing in disguise as without this you would not have known he was a massive twat badger.

Upsielazy · 09/10/2021 13:07

Bin him off. Even if he was supportive someone managing their partner would be tricky anyway, and most places don't allow it.

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/10/2021 13:09

One of you will have to find a new job. I'm surprised your employer has allowed you to be promoted to a position of superiority over someone you're in a relationship with - for this very reason.

Fragile male egos are why women shouldn't get promotions... Did we just get yanked back in time to the 1950s?

One of them should get over himself. One of them should consider whether she wants to pacify a manchild's bruised ego for the foreseeable future.

SunshineCake1 · 09/10/2021 13:09

Tbh too frustrated to read the whole thing right now but I will. It is obvious what he is doing. He is jealous that you, started after him, his girlfriend, a woman might be promoted before and above him and you need to be reminded of your place in his mind and brought back down. I would have very strong words with him if I felt he was the one and then I'd finish with him if he was a twat again.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/10/2021 13:09

He sounds bitter and unpleasant. If he doesn't decide to move on there is no future to your relationship.

I'd also be worried he is undermining you at work with this attitude.

ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 13:10

he’ll often say “look at you. Little miss perfect.”

Needs dumping for that alone. The rest is shocking too.

This will never get better OP.
He's going to stick to his ridiculous denial that he's jealous or insecure, & keep punishing you with the death by 1000 cuts. He will never admit that he is in the wrong, you will always feel trapped between your career goals & his idiocy, & you will never be able to unsee his unpleasant & weak behaviour.

Even if you gave this job up, & he became the MD, he'd still be the childish little sexist who couldn't cope when His Girl Got The Prize.

Time to spend a lot of energy on your career I think, & release Mr 1000 Cuts back into the wild.

MiddlesexGirl · 09/10/2021 13:11

Is the promotion secured yet?
Would your ex (I'm assuming he'll be an ex pretty soon) be managed by you?
Would it be possible to discuss the issue with your employer without jeopardising your promotion?
Would it be possible for him to shift to another team?

In the meantime, keep a record of all instances of inappropriate behaviour by your ex, just in case he escalates.

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/10/2021 13:11

What if we do break up and he becomes difficult and starts trying to trip me up?

What would anyone do in that situation? If you're being professionally sabotaged you get proof, you talk to the person above you, you talk to HR.

daisychain01 · 09/10/2021 13:14

He's being very sour grapes about your success.

That said, in the interest of balance, do you rub it in and gush a bit too much about it. It would hack me off after a while if someone kept going on and on about it.

There needs to be a balance.

Piglet89 · 09/10/2021 13:14

The diversity bias comment. Fuck me.

No, pal - she’s just better at her job than you are. Truth hurts, it seems.

MyOtherProfile · 09/10/2021 13:15

I would definitely mention it to your line manager in case things take a turn for the worse

ChequerBoard · 09/10/2021 13:16

Take the promotion, ditch the jealous loser.

Salayes · 09/10/2021 13:17

@Sofaking355

Sad as it is, some men do feel emasculated if the woman is doing better than them

why do these threads always have to go this way? Yes, he is jealous but it's nothing to do with his gender, it's more human nature and nothing to do with her being a woman. Men are jealous of men, women are jealous of women and the list goes on. I don't see why op being a woman and him male defines it or is relevant. It's just jealously.

Except OP has said he has asked her to admit ‘diversity bias’ is in play - so clearly he is looking at it that way. Why would you assume his jealousy has nothing to do with gender issues in the same way you think others have (rightly in this case) assumed they are?
Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 09/10/2021 13:22

I could understand some mixed feelings, and maybe not raving about your presentation as much as me might normally have done as its early days into your progression but he has crossed many lines here.

Flirting with other women to try and validate himself also bring you down, claiming you are not worthy of the job (the crack about diversity quotas), criticising you repeatedly, and worst of all I think- not owning up to an element of butt-hurtedness. We are all human, I'm sure you would've understood. Instead he has tried to gaslight you.

I don't think you should live with this level of untempered resentment. Is the promotion secured? If not, I might wait until it is before making any big moves.

Boysnme · 09/10/2021 13:25

OP I work in a note senior team to my DH. When we got together he was more senior than me but I have overtaken him and he’s been nothing but supportive. We’re in the same wider team but he’s not a direct report of mine (company policy) which I think it right. Regardless, everyone at work knows he’s my husband and that I’m in a senior position to him. We’ve had no issues with this and have always said if we did, we’d talk about it and one of us would leave (likely him, we rely on my wage more).

After everything you have said, the relationship would be over for me.

Sofaking355 · 09/10/2021 13:25

Except OP has said he has asked her to admit ‘diversity bias’ is in play - so clearly he is looking at it that way. Why would you assume his jealousy has nothing to do with gender issues in the same way you think others have (rightly in this case) assumed they are

yes, but she drip-fed it, and I nor or the person who said I was responding to knew yet it was gender-based as they said it before op had drip-fed it.

Why would you assume his jealousy has nothing to do with gender issues

It just pisses me off how on mn and various other social media platforms we are so quick to define genders by the behaviour of x,y and z. The same way people say groups of women are bitchy when iin actual reality men in groups are often very similar.

ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 13:27

@Thelastcommercial

He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”
What if we do break up and he becomes difficult and starts trying to trip me up? That’s how deep I feel his resentment lies at the moment

Ouch OP.
Well at least he's made it easier for you to emotionally detatch now.
What a bellend.

The 'diversity' comment is ... concerning.
May I suggest you take this very seriously?

I think you need to call a lowkey meeting with HR.
Ask for guidance around the fact that the promotion means you are now senior to your romantic partner. Tell them that you want to understand company policy about in-work relationships, to ensure you behave professionally & uphold company standards.

Let them give you the official speech, thank them - & THEN ask for some personal, off-the-record advice.
Explain that b/f is reacting poorly, so poorly that you wish to finish the relationship with him. Tell them that you have many personal examples of this poor behaviour, but that these are for you to manage yourself by finishing the relationship - BUT that one of the professional examples has given you particular worry.
Say exactly this -
He has also told me that I “must admit” that there was a “diversity bias at play too.”

  • then say "as you can imagine, I am not comfortable with this. I am finishing the relationship, but want to ensure I manage this well in the office. Please can I have your support & direction with this?"

It's a bloody palaver, but you need to -

  1. cover your arse
  2. prove that you are not bringing emotional baggage to the office
  3. get your version of events in first
  4. present all that c/o "I want to behave like a professional, please support me in doing that"

Then, should your STBXb/f kick off at work - it will be recognised that he's the one with the problem, & management will know why he's being a twat, & that you took steps to mitigate any twat-bombs he might drop.

ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 13:28

@Summerhillsquare

I read somewhere (maybe on here) that people think that testosterone is the sex drive hormone, but it's not, it's the status competition hormone. Explains so much about male behaviour.
Bloody hell Square. Thanks for that one ... alarming, but makes sense.
leavesthataregreen · 09/10/2021 13:31

I'd split up with a man who turned spiteful when I became successful. You don't need that in a partner. It's also worth mentioning this to your manager in case he starts putting you down or isolating you from the team. I had this with a boyfriend years ago. i was made manager when he had been there far longer than me. He turned nasty. Not worth it.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 09/10/2021 13:33

Definitely showing his true colours here. Be glad he's just a boyfriend and not a husband.

Dump him.

EarthSight · 09/10/2021 13:36

I'm sorry you had to find out who your boyfriend really is in this way, but the really good thing is that you've found out before you started to make serious ties with him, such as having children.

We have had two years of quite a normal, mutually supportive relationship and so when this happens it feels surprising and worrying to me. He will never admit he feels threatened, so what am I faced with? Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

He was only supportive when he thought he was the superior one in the relationship. Your promotion has shattered that, along with a sense of dominance he once thought he had. Some men can tolerate their partners being at the same level as them, but not above them.

I would expect him to maybe be a bit sensitive or prickly after your promotion, maybe due to it triggering longstanding self-esteem issues or shame, but what you've described goes beyond that.

Him just getting more cruel towards me as I become more successful, and then if I ever confront him, him accusing me of being “crazy?”

This is likely to get worse. Also note the textbook man's response of calling his female partner 'crazy'. That insult has a really, really long history. Have a look at how women were treated in the 19th century and the whole culture around 'hysteria'. Not saying that some women aren't paranoid or maybe genuinely, but the accusation is thrown around a lot by abusive men who want to patronise and gaslight their partners, especially when those women are smart and actually right.

“look at you. Little miss perfect''

This drips of resentment and jealously. The whole flirting with other women is so bad too and is a recipe for a revenge affair to boost his ego. Dump him. He'll only support you in life when he feels like he has the upper hand. Can't imagine how that's going to work longterm, can you?