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Original poster

My partner sleeps in his daughters bed when she stays over - AIBU

171 replies

mae2014 · 08/10/2021 22:45

My partner and I have been living together almost 2 years,
I have a great relationship with his DD7 and she’s over 2/3 times a week and stays one night the odd weekend when she wants to. (He tries to have her stay every weekend but sometimes she fancies it sometimes she doesn’t, that’s ok, but she knows she’s always welcome)

Am I being unreasonable though to be annoyed when he gets into her bed and refuses to come into ours?
He dotes on her and we find it so hard to get her to sleep because she refuses to unless he sleeps with her or if she’s in our bed,

Am i being silly by being annoyed that I’ve just gone to ask him to come to bed and he basically told me to f*ck off ?

OP posts:

maddiemookins16mum · 09/10/2021 08:01

Is it ‘normal’ for a 7 year old to co-sleep, well that all depends on the definition of normal really. I’m an old codger and do wonder why there now seem so many wains that co-sleep. But no doubt someone will be along shortly to say ‘half the world co-sleeps’. Yeah, but that is usually cultural/countries where there is limited space etc, not Kate and Matt in their 3 bed semi in Maidstone.

SelkieQualia · 09/10/2021 08:03

If my partner came and woke me up just because he wanted me to move into his bed, then I would be ropeable!

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 09/10/2021 08:03

@Crystalvas

For the people thinking theres nothing wrong with cosleeping thats only acceptable for babies not children 7 years if age.

Both globally and historically families cosleeping all together is the norm. Do you cosleep with another adult?

MushMonster · 09/10/2021 08:14

There is nothing wrong in co-sleeping with your children if that suits them.
Time with your little ones is precious. Soon she will be too grown up for these things (they show it themselves when they are ready, natural way of progressing things). Living appart from your child is not easy, and making the best of it is natural.
Co-sleeping does not damage children. I actually think it makes them sound sleepers. Mine did prefer her own space earlier than 7, but she never had issues falling asleep, being sent to bed, scared of dark or monsters, and so on. Each child is different.
You are all grown up. Surely you can sleep on your own for one night? Or share bed with them?
He should have not spoken to you like this though. I would expect him to apologise. And you need to agree on what to do when his child is in overnight.

moofolk · 09/10/2021 08:20

One thing I hate about our culture is this assumption that co-sleeping is creepy. Why do adults get the comfort and reassurance of sleeping next to someone who loves them but children don't?! It's madness.

Others upthread have had the same response to me, which is that this little girl has dealt with her parents splitting up, that your DP has only limited time in the week to see his daughter. Why wouldn't they co-sleep.

I assume you want him in your bed because you like sleeping with him. She's only seven. He's her dad.

It's probably annoying if you have other things you'd like to do in the evening but you get him the rest of the time.

Babyghirl · 09/10/2021 08:21

For everyone saying it's normal , well in the eyes of ss it's deemed inappropriate to Co sleep with your kids after a certain age 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️. Esp a 7 year old with her daddy

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2021 08:25

Co sleeping is a parenting choice. Some may never do it, however unsettled their child; others may do it when its technically not warranted, perhaps out of excessive concern for their child. You can't say its wrong or right, it's a personal opinion as it is whether it's needed.

She's only 7, staying away from home once a fortnight. Why shouldn't she if it comforts her and why shouldn't her dad do this? Maybe he feels guilty he can't see her more often or wants to be close with her the only ones she stays over. Far better than a father who can't be bothered with his child.

As for staying there when she's asleep. I wouldn't want to wake up to leave either, if I had fallen asleep. Or maybe he wants to stay so if she wakes, she sees he is still there? Her welfare should be his priority.

As for saying 'fuck off', well it's not ideal obviously. But have you done this before OP? It seems a bit needy to want to be prioritised over his dd on the one night in a fortnight she stays there. No one likes to be woken up. Perhaps he is getting irritated with you in general about your view on co sleeping - talk to him properly and agree what will happen on these visits.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 09/10/2021 08:27

Eh @Babyghirl ?

I just don’t get why this bothers you op? Can’t you just leave it as something they do but you do not do? Isn’t that actually ok??

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2021 08:29

"For everyone saying it's normal , well in the eyes of ss it's deemed inappropriate to Co sleep with your kids after a certain age 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️. Esp a 7 year old with her daddy"

That's because they deal with abuse regularly. Not because they are arbiters of all things great on the parenting front. They also say foster parents can't remove mobile phones from teenagers, but many parents might do so as a sanction, or shock horror, not even provide one. Social care practice isn't parenting law.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/10/2021 08:37

@AttaGirrrrl has it spot on

Wowwe · 09/10/2021 08:48

If she only stays over once in a while then to be honest I think that’s totally fine. And I think that’s quite sweet.
Why can’t he sleep with her once in a while? he was probably annoyed you trying to control where he sleeps.

dottiedodah · 09/10/2021 08:58

He shouldnt have spoken to you like that I agree. However he is being woken up by you when hes asleep! He probably treasures this time with her.Its very infrequent so possibly just accept it occasionally and not make a deal over it .probably only for a few years now anyway .

Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2021 09:37

I'm interested to know whose idea it is. Did he or she suggest it?

SelkieQualia · 09/10/2021 09:43

@Babyghirl

Nonsense, not in this situation for a biological partent / someone in that role (as opposed to step parent, which is usually a different relationship).

AttaGirrrrl · 09/10/2021 09:44

[quote bigbaggyeyes]@AttaGirrrrl has it spot on [/quote]
I don’t think I’ve ever been more agreed with than I have on this thread

AttaGirrrrl · 09/10/2021 09:45

I do find it absolutely bizarre how many threads there are at the moment who don’t want their partners to share a bed with their children… presumably because they want the comfort of someone next to them as they sleep?

liveforsummer · 09/10/2021 09:51

Not sure how telling you to fuck off is telling you to fuck off in a round about way lol. Seems pretty direct to me and I'd have words about that but if you awoke him angrily demanding he move I do understand why he was none to happy. I don't see why you're bothered about the sleeping arrangement, especially as it's so occasional. What about that part annoys you?

liveforsummer · 09/10/2021 09:54

On and my 8 sleeps in my bed more often than not. I can assure you there is absolutely nothing 'creepy' about it. This dad, given the information we have from op is falling asleep with his dc who asks him to be there then deciding to stay where he is as he's comfy/cba to move/misses his daughter and knows she misses him and wants him there. It's not like she hasn't asked/doesn't want him to but he's insisting or that he's going and getting in once she's already happily asleep on her own. There is nothing creepy in the situation being discussed.

liveforsummer · 09/10/2021 10:01

@Babyghirl

Can you point me in the direction of evidence of this please. What is the invented age for this to be deemed inappropriate and does it vary for dads and girls, boys and mums compared to mums and daughters etc?

RantyAunty · 09/10/2021 10:07

You haven't been happy with him for awhile.

Pack your things and move back to London.

Babyghirl · 09/10/2021 10:09

@Selkiequalia
@liveforsummer
My cuz had ss in her life due to ending up with her grandson but had a 6 year old daughter also as they do the house inspection wanted to c the sleeping arrangements and where the grandson would sleep, she told them her daughter shared a bed with her and they told her it was not appropriate and she needed a bed and room off her own and the grandson had to be in the other room in his cot.

liveforsummer · 09/10/2021 10:12

[quote Babyghirl]@Selkiequalia
@liveforsummer
My cuz had ss in her life due to ending up with her grandson but had a 6 year old daughter also as they do the house inspection wanted to c the sleeping arrangements and where the grandson would sleep, she told them her daughter shared a bed with her and they told her it was not appropriate and she needed a bed and room off her own and the grandson had to be in the other room in his cot.[/quote]
This child has a bed of her own though. Of course all children should have a bed of their own at that age. Doesn't mean that sleeping with a parent out of choice is inappropriate. What's inappropriate is to not have the option of own bed: you've misunderstood!

cushioncovers · 09/10/2021 10:18

My ds used to co sleep with his dad when he stayed there until he was about 11.He missed his dad terribly in the early days of the divorce. He also co slept with me on and off until he was 12. He's now a well adjust 21 year old with no dependency problems. 🤷🏻‍♀️

darcybeau · 09/10/2021 10:18

yabu

Your needs don't trump a 7 year olds. She probably isn't entirely comfortable if it's not her home and looking for reassurance.
Well done to the parent who puts his daughters needs above a grown adults.

If it's still happening when she is in her teens you have a problem but she's 7 so I don't think it's a huge deal.

It's not your place to say how he should parent and honestly if you can't share him for a few nights here and there I think you've got the issue tbh

Babyghirl · 09/10/2021 10:42

@liveforsummer
There was a bed in the room she would not just sleep in it, cuz told ss this it was her sisters old room her sis had moved out.

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