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Original poster

My partner sleeps in his daughters bed when she stays over - AIBU

171 replies

mae2014 · 08/10/2021 22:45

My partner and I have been living together almost 2 years,
I have a great relationship with his DD7 and she’s over 2/3 times a week and stays one night the odd weekend when she wants to. (He tries to have her stay every weekend but sometimes she fancies it sometimes she doesn’t, that’s ok, but she knows she’s always welcome)

Am I being unreasonable though to be annoyed when he gets into her bed and refuses to come into ours?
He dotes on her and we find it so hard to get her to sleep because she refuses to unless he sleeps with her or if she’s in our bed,

Am i being silly by being annoyed that I’ve just gone to ask him to come to bed and he basically told me to f*ck off ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 01:47

Op, this is the horrible man you've been writing about since the beginning of the year. In March you wrote...

In a rage last night he told me he 'doesnt love me as much as he used to because I wreck his head' but he's the one who is such hard work. Very verbally abusive when hes angry and gaslights me a fair bit.

Why in the fuck are you still with this horrible man? You moved away from your friends and family for this? You're only in your mid 20's, it's a literal tragedy that you are wasting your youth on this man.

Pack your stuff and leave.

MysteriousMonkey · 09/10/2021 01:54

One of my nieces always used to have to sleep in bed with her dad when it was his weekend and she stayed with him. I think this went on till 9 or 10 and then stopped. Maybe it's a comfort thing, I remember thinking my dad was the strongest person in the work when I was little and I'd have slept in bed with my parents if it's been allowed. It says a firm no from them Grin or it could also be a passive thing, like she doesn't have her dad at home so she wants him as much to herself as possible when she can... Either way I don't think it's weird but that doesn't mean I wouldn't get annoyed by it off course.

N0PE · 09/10/2021 01:55

Given the infrequency of sleepovers this probably only happens a couple of times a month. Why are you so annoyed? It's not every night, it’s not even several times a month.

And you said he told you to fuck off in a round about way. So he didn’t actually say "fuck off". I can see you're trying to change it to he did say those exact words but your first few posts make it clear he didn't. You just want people to side with you so now he apparently did swear. 🙄

He sounds like a loving dad and you sound like hard work. You get him 99% of the time and he gives his daughter his time the occasion time he has her overnight. Stop being so selfish.

8MinutesToSunrise · 09/10/2021 02:00

Nothing wrong with cosleeping.
yabu to wake him up
He was unreasonable to tell you to fuck off

DancingQueen85 · 09/10/2021 02:18

He sounds Like a lovely father. I don't understand why you'd have a problem with this

DancingQueen85 · 09/10/2021 02:21

Can't believe people think it's creepy for a 7 year old child to sleep with their parent. You need to really address your own issues If you have a problem with this

JackieGoodmanLovelySquirrel4 · 09/10/2021 02:39

First question in the morning to him should be 'when she grows up and settles down with a man what would you tell her to do if he ever told her to fuck off?!'.... He told you to fuck off, I would never stand for that it's just awful

1forAll74 · 09/10/2021 02:53

I don't think he should be sleeping with her at this age. not because of anything creepy at all, but because she needs to be in a more grown up set up, in her own room or bed.

Crystalvas · 09/10/2021 03:11

Yes Op there is something seriously wrong with that him sleeping in the same bed every week is a bit strange. Id be telling him to leave.

Crystalvas · 09/10/2021 03:13

For the people thinking theres nothing wrong with cosleeping thats only acceptable for babies not children 7 years if age.

Kanaloa · 09/10/2021 03:40

Okay well what’s ‘seriously wrong’ about it? I genuinely wouldn’t want to be with my husband if I had to be so terrified of him lying in a bed alongside his own little girl.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/10/2021 03:45

@mae2014

She’s come in before about 4am but usually comes into our bed when she wakes about 6/7ish,

It’s just sometimes like she picks and chooses when she wants him/when she’s fine not to x

She's not picking and choosing. Some days children need more support, more input, are finding things harder. Just like adults they have times they're not coping so well and times life is easier. Sometimes she'll miss her Dad more, or be struggling with the whole two homes, seperated patents thing, or have had a bad day at school, those times she'll need him there more, other nights she won't. Just life really.
BunsyGirl · 09/10/2021 06:12

@Crystalvas Why? There’s nothing wrong with children wanting the comfort of another person near them while they sleep.

Sakurami · 09/10/2021 06:57

Hi op. I don't think it will last a lot longer anyway so I wouldn't worry.

I think that if he misses his child and she finds it comforting to sleep with a parent then let them. You get to sleep together the rest of the time.

One of my kids preferred to sleep with us because he had nightmares on his own. Was petrified of the night. From around age 7 he started sleeping on his own with a light on and now doesn't need a light on. As his parent, I wanted to comfort him - hard to turn a kid away when they are scared or want comfort.

He shouldn't have told you to fuck off though

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 07:17

@mae2014

Yes - he told me to fuck off and that he was sleeping with her tonight and rolled over

I don’t want to make him look bad but yeah.

Prob half the reason im aggravated by it

Did he though? Because initially you said 'in a round about way' and now you're claiming he actually told you to fuck off because it's helping your cause.

I don't think you should be jealous of a 7 year old but also think he doesn't need to be in bed with her every time she stays over.
I could understand if she has nightmares or whatever.

hairybakers · 09/10/2021 07:19

Rereading the Ops posts I don't actually think he told her to fuck off

he basically told me to fck off

In a round about way

She then changes her tune.

I'd imagine if my partner stood there waking me up trying to make me get out of the bed I was in with my daughter I would tell them to just go away too. Was OP fussing and in danger of waking an already sensitive little girl? Just let them sleep!!

pureofmind · 09/10/2021 07:23

My dd sleeps in her dads bed when she stays at his house she's nearly 7 I have no issue he's her dad !
When she's like 9 or 10 then yeah or when she states she doesn't want too sleep in with him anymore but for now I'd leave it x

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 09/10/2021 07:31

He didn't tell tell you to fuck off. You initially said that he "basically told you to fuck off". Then when a pp tried to clarify whether or not he actually told you to fuck off you said that he hadn't, that he had told you in a roundabout way. Now again you've changed your tune and said that he came out and said "fuck off".

Stop telling lies.

Tiredofbs123 · 09/10/2021 07:33

This is a child who has separated parents, she’s just 7 years old, I’m amazed some on here can’t see why she’d need her daddy at night! Or that he’d need her. They are only little once. TBH no new partner would come between me and my children IF I was separated and had limited time with them.

BUT OP you’ve complained about his treatment of you before. If he is so rude and verbally abusive to you, why are you staying?

Rebornagain · 09/10/2021 07:46

Is there anything else going on between mum and dad? Only asking as this happened with my daughter.

For a good couple of months she would sleep in my bed but as soon as the court case concluded. (Fighting over access) she stopped and went back into own bed.

Farwest · 09/10/2021 07:49

If you are quite certain that there is no hint of sexual abuse, then you need to have a word with yourself.

You are being controlling and sound jealous of his dd. She stays over one night on the odd weekend, ffs, and you can't back off and leave them be for that amount of time?

I'd say that as you are repeatedly bringing this up and actually going in to wake him, his nearly telling you to fuck off was well earned. YABVU. Let him parent his child as he sees fit, so long as the dd is both safe and well.

farme · 09/10/2021 07:52

If you've posted about this multiple times, I'm wondering if he snapped as it's something you regularly give him a hard time about? Is it a regular bond of contention between you?

If you get jealous/upset/annoyed at home co-sleeping with his DD a couple of months I actually understand his frustration. This coupled with him being woken up and told to move beds (when he knows you know he wants to sleep there) I'm not at all surprised he reacted the way he did (not that it makes it right, I just know I'd do the same myself)

Tigerstigers · 09/10/2021 07:57

But did you wake him up and then he told you to fuck off? I'm not saying it was okay to say that to you, but being woken up can put people in a really bad/semi conscious mood, and he probably didn't mean it, was just half asleep and didn't like being told to get up/move. I occasionally fall asleep on the sofa while we're watching t.v and DH has said before when he's tried to wake me to move upstairs I get absolutely savage, and have said similar to him. He now knows to just put a duvet on me and leave me be. I don't actually see the issue with it being once/twice max per week. If a little girl wants her daddy to cuddle at night, then so be it. She's 7, it probably won't last much longer, and will make a huge difference to her happiness/security while at your house. I'd personally let it go, and understand that his daughter will ALWAYS come first.

ViceLikeBlip · 09/10/2021 07:57

See it from his point of view. His daughter rarely stays over, you're there all the time. The once a fortnight (?) or so that she does stay, she wants him to sleep in with her, and you want him to tell her no, he needs to go and sleep with you instead?

If you force him to choose between the two of you, I hope he chooses her (not because I think you're awful or anything, just because I think any parent's first responsibility should be towards their child)

Snuggling in with a child who doesn't live with you is honestly one of the best feelings in the whole world. She won't be little for long. Leave them be xx

CrazyCatStory · 09/10/2021 07:59

I love my sleep op. If you woke me from it to tell me I needed to get up and move to a different sleeping place I’d tell you to fuck off too!

It’s really up to him, not you, to decide how to parent his child.