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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner sleeps in his daughters bed when she stays over - AIBU

171 replies

mae2014 · 08/10/2021 22:45

My partner and I have been living together almost 2 years,
I have a great relationship with his DD7 and she’s over 2/3 times a week and stays one night the odd weekend when she wants to. (He tries to have her stay every weekend but sometimes she fancies it sometimes she doesn’t, that’s ok, but she knows she’s always welcome)

Am I being unreasonable though to be annoyed when he gets into her bed and refuses to come into ours?
He dotes on her and we find it so hard to get her to sleep because she refuses to unless he sleeps with her or if she’s in our bed,

Am i being silly by being annoyed that I’ve just gone to ask him to come to bed and he basically told me to f*ck off ?

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 08/10/2021 23:40

@CharlotteRose90

I certainly wasn’t abused as a child but I actually think it is very creepy sorry. Once kids get to a certain age they shouldn’t be co sleeping especially girls.
i agree. if she has some separation anxiety, could you put a little camp bed in your room, so she is near enough to hear/see her father, but not in the same bed. i don't think they should be in the same bed. for all sorts of reasons, including infantilising. if she was in the same room, but not bed, perhaps she could be gradually weaned off this over dependence, towards sleeping in her own room alone, maybe with both doors open initially.
teaandpastries · 08/10/2021 23:41

@GrandmasCat

I wouldn’t like my child sleeping with me all the time when he was that age, sometimes fine, all the time, no thanks.

I do think most people the same, that’s why most kids have their own bedrooms before they hit 3.

I think you have a situation at home where he may be overcompensating for the split. Whether that is right or wrong, only you can say. I would see those night as your free “me time” nights, but then… 3 times a week… no thanks.

"Whether that is right or wrong, only you can say. "

Err no, OP is not the judge and jury of this man. He is right to put his daughters needs first. That's exactly the narrative given on MN by mothers with kids from previous relationships.
If it doesn't work for OP is her call

GrandmasCat · 08/10/2021 23:42

Honestly, not all children of divorced parents are traumatised, many are very happy children, who like any other children benefit from rules and structure.

I have seen more kids ruined by their parents over compensating after a divorce than ruined because their parents kept rules and structure.

Personally, as a divorced parent, I wouldn’t like it if my ex allowed DS to sleep with him all the nights, not because I dislike co sleeping but because that would meant my child wouldn’t get a good night of sleep in school nights. Once here and there no problem, all nights… nope.

Summerfun54321 · 08/10/2021 23:42

@GrandmasCat his DC stays over 1 night roughly every other weekend, she only visits in the day time 2/3 times a week. This co-sleeping that the OP is getting worked up about is happening very infrequently.

GrandmasCat · 08/10/2021 23:43

His daughter’s needs or wants? There is a big difference between them

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2021 23:45

Come on, even OP isn’t blaming the SD. She’s annoyed he’s nodded off in her bed and didn’t want to move when OP woke him.

GrandmasCat · 08/10/2021 23:45

[quote Summerfun54321]@GrandmasCat his DC stays over 1 night roughly every other weekend, she only visits in the day time 2/3 times a week. This co-sleeping that the OP is getting worked up about is happening very infrequently.[/quote]
Ah, once a week not that bad, but all time? Sorry, there are other things he needs to be paying attention to if she needs to sleep with him all the times. You sort the cause, not the symptom.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2021 23:46

@GrandmasCat

His daughter’s needs or wants? There is a big difference between them
His want to close his eyes when he’s doing bedtime, it happens to most of us, and his need to be left asleep despite OP wanting him in bed with her.
Suzi888 · 08/10/2021 23:47

To be fair, if you woke me up I’d say the same … without dropping the F bomb! He shouldn’t speak to you like that.
But YABU waking him up.
Nothing wrong with co sleeping, she will grow out of it.

GrandmasCat · 08/10/2021 23:50

Oh yes, I did fall asleep with DS on many occasions but it was an accident, not a regular behaviour in my part.

So I guess we need to agree to disagree Smile

Feelinglow27 · 08/10/2021 23:58

She is 7. A little kid. If she wants to cosleep with her dad and he doesn't mind, I would just keep out of it. She won't be little for very long and all this will be over with.

Djifunrsn · 09/10/2021 00:24

My kids wanted to sleep in bed with me at 7.

It is a very normal thing for her to want, particularly as her parents aren’t together.
You probably shouldn’t have woken him up. He must miss her terribly. I think it’s fine for him to sleep with her.

hairybakers · 09/10/2021 00:31

YABU to have woken him up.
Unless he expressly says "if I fall asleep in her bed again come and get me" just leave him to it.
Clearly the girl doesn't feel comfortable staying round, she needs the reassurance of co-sleeping on the very rare occasion that she stays, that's not creepy or inappropriate.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2021 00:35

@mae2014

Yes - he told me to fuck off and that he was sleeping with her tonight and rolled over

I don’t want to make him look bad but yeah.

Prob half the reason im aggravated by it

Your OP says he 'basically' told you to fuck off.

When the first poster said "He told you to fuck off?"

You replied In a round about way

Did he actually say "Fuck off" or not? Confused

QuestionEverythingBaby · 09/10/2021 00:42

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Did you post about this before?
Only every other week 🤣
Dillydollydingdong · 09/10/2021 00:59

It's quite normal. My dgd5 won't sleep on her own. Either my DS has to lie down on her bedroom floor til she's asleep, or she cosleeps with her dm. If her bed was a double, he'd sleep in it with her. Absolutely no question of anything inappropriate.

Bortles · 09/10/2021 01:10

This happens with me and my 6 year old every night. She's not there every night, I wouldn't if I were you OP.

Bortles · 09/10/2021 01:10

*I wouldn't MIND if I were you that should say

Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2021 01:27

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be bothered by this.

IMHO I would find this very strange and it does suggest either sleep issues or some other concerns. A child of 7 should be find to sleep alone. My child could not and often came into our bed until age 8. I think it was because she was anxious.

Kanaloa · 09/10/2021 01:29

@CharlotteRose90

I certainly wasn’t abused as a child but I actually think it is very creepy sorry. Once kids get to a certain age they shouldn’t be co sleeping especially girls.
Do you realise how stupid this is? If her father wants to sexually abuse her then he can do it in the bathroom, kitchen, living room, out for a drive. Co-sleeping doesn’t mean sexual abuse and the op has specifically stated that the girl’s mother also sleeps with her. It’s obviously a habit of comfort for the child.
Kanaloa · 09/10/2021 01:31

And obviously he’ll want to try and make her feel as comforted and happy with him as possible as it must hurt him that she rarely ever stays over.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 01:34

@mae2014

Yes - he told me to fuck off and that he was sleeping with her tonight and rolled over

I don’t want to make him look bad but yeah.

Prob half the reason im aggravated by it

Why would you make excuses for your shithead, twat of a partner? He's a prick and you need to raise your standards.
QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 01:39

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Did you post about this before?

YES !!!! I think so too

DriftingBlue · 09/10/2021 01:43

Cosleeping is perfectly normal at that age. He is being perfectly fit to you. It would be inappropriate for you to cosleep too. He is going into her room so there is no question about you possibly having to sleep elsewhere, which would be something you could be justifiably upset about.

NCForthisxox · 09/10/2021 01:43

YABU you get him in the bed with you the other 13 days. she misses her dad and needs the comfort she will grow out of it.