How long after he left the marital home would you get involved with a married man?

[TrainforSpeed]

It's a long sad story. More than a decade ago I had an EA with a colleague. We realised a bit too late that our friendship was more than that and stepped right back, both agreeing that if we'd met when we were single we'd have "something" but as we didn't we needed to stay apart.

Have seen each other very occasionally at social things since and kept things very light and friendly. Text exchanges a few times a year, just Happy Birthday or similar.

Anyway, I've been single for a while now (nothing to do with EA) and he's just moved out of the family home, by what appears to be mutual agreement.

He's been in touch.

I'm inclined to say get back to me once the divorce is finalised, but maybe life's short and you have to grab it while you can?

Your first instinct is right.

He’s married. Financially/ legally/ emotionally/ morally, I would not go there.

When did he move out of the family home? I know you said "just" but do you mean months or weeks?

@firsttimeclock

When did he move out of the family home? I know you said "just" but do you mean months or weeks?

About 2 months. The story is that they both knew the marriage was dead years ago....but it would be wouldn't it?

I don’t understand why you would wait. He has moved out. You are single. Grab life.

I wouldn’t want to get into a relationship with a man who was so eager to find his next relationship after his previous one has barely ended. He needs the time to process how he feels and learn who he is as his own person. Otherwise it seems like he just can’t stand to be alone and I’d wonder if he really liked me, or just that I represented not having to be single.

Divorce can take months at best, years at worst. Go for it.

So basically you’re saying you still feel the same ?

Tread very carefully
That’s a polite way of what I want to say which is leave well alone.

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

So basically you’re saying you still feel the same ?

Tread very carefully
That’s a polite way of what I want to say which is leave well alone.

Why? I mean, I don't disagree with you, I'm feeling quite cautious, but why not spend time with someone who could have been very important if circumstances were different, when circumstances are different now?

Because he played with fire with you when he was married
He has form
To contact you again now it’s gone tits up is questionable, at the very least self absorbed and any port in a storm. Possibly self serving to the point of being manipulative and exploitative

Part of the thrill with men like this is you will always wonder. Depends entirely upon you if that is enough to get back on that merry go round.

You asked. I’m saying what I would do which is nothing.

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

Because he played with fire with you when he was married He has form To contact you again now it’s gone tits up is questionable, at the very least self absorbed and any port in a storm. Possibly self serving to the point of being manipulative and exploitative

Part of the thrill with men like this is you will always wonder. Depends entirely upon you if that is enough to get back on that merry go round.

You asked. I’m saying what I would do which is nothing.

I don't disagree but you could say the same about me

Not sure what you want from the thread really.

Warning off or convincing?

Decide what you want and take it from there. My hunch is you’ll regret it, i think that he’s a thrill seeker.

If he’s definitely left - fully moved out, told people separated, consulted solicitor re divorce I’d see no harm in dating but take things slowly.

I think if he had very clearly left home, divorce proceedings had been started and his family are aware, I'd consider starting to date him so you can have closure either way. Be prepared for the speculation about you breaking them up though this early on.

A discussion is all I want from the thread.

It's a funny sort of thrill seeking when you wait more than ten years for it

I’d say six months to give him time to be alone and deal with his feelings and be sure you’re not a rebound.

I’d say it took me 6 months to process my dead marriage after chucking him out. I’d wait until then!

I met my DH 10 months after he had left the marital home and divorce proceedings were well under way, but, it didn’t stop his ex causing issues when she was told he was in a new relationship.

I’d say tread carefully and make sure you aren’t seeing this through romantic rose coloured glasses.

@TrainforSpeed

A discussion is all I want from the thread.

It's a funny sort of thrill seeking when you wait more than ten years for it

Well that’s my view I think he’s picking up where he left off The time span is in some ways very telling . the most telling part is that he’s had the nerve to do it on the basis of knowing fuck all about you since the EA apart from some perfunctory texts

He’s either using you or it might go somewhere

Good luck whatever you decide.

To play devils advocate; more or less same situation with a friend of mine, she ended up marrying the guy and 9 years on they’re still together with a child now 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think it’s entirely possible to marry the wrong person first time around / or to outgrow each other as multiple years pass / or day to day drudgery unfortunately kill a marriage.

Tread carefully, keep your heart a bit protected to start with, don’t jump too far too soon, but ultimately you have a history with this chap so why not see where it could lead?

People will think you've been fucking around all this time. If you can accept that, go for it.

@LetHimHaveIt

People will think you've been fucking around all this time. If you can accept that, go for it.

Yes, I think this is what is making me most cautious. Other than that, from my pov at least, he'd just be someone to have a drink with from time to time and see where it goes from there.

Stay in contact with him and take it slowly

Do guys wait 6 months post divorce before dating ?I would say you’d be gutted if you brushed him off then he got involved with someone else instead. If you’ve got other options that you find equally as compelling I would say don’t bother but if not then I would date him but take things very slowly. People will think what they want… you can’t control that. Who gives a shit? The important thing is you know the truth.

He might be on the re-bound so research the indicators…. I got caught out with that with a man when I was much younger.

I'd give it a go, then. Honestly.

Late last year, my boyfriend ended up fucking the woman I'd been warned about nearly five fucking years ago. I'll never be convinced it wasn't bubbling under all this time. And because I'll never be convinced, it doesn't really matter to me or them, whether they're telling the truth or full of shit.

If I sound harsh, I don't mean to be. Time marches on. I'd chance your arm and see what happens.