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Original poster

How long after he left the marital home would you get involved with a married man?

150 replies

TrainforSpeed · 06/10/2021 21:45

It's a long sad story. More than a decade ago I had an EA with a colleague. We realised a bit too late that our friendship was more than that and stepped right back, both agreeing that if we'd met when we were single we'd have "something" but as we didn't we needed to stay apart.

Have seen each other very occasionally at social things since and kept things very light and friendly. Text exchanges a few times a year, just Happy Birthday or similar.

Anyway, I've been single for a while now (nothing to do with EA) and he's just moved out of the family home, by what appears to be mutual agreement.

He's been in touch.

I'm inclined to say get back to me once the divorce is finalised, but maybe life's short and you have to grab it while you can?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 07/10/2021 16:37

Seems fine to me, take your time, don't get too attached until the divorce has gone through. I dated a separated man once, it ended up bugging me that he never got around to divorcing - he's still married now, about 8 years after separation and I don't see that ever changing, glad to be away from the baggage, though there were other reasons for splitting with him

poolblue · 07/10/2021 16:40

Go for it, life is short.

litterbird · 07/10/2021 16:44

My now boyfriend had recently left the marital home and was living with his parents until the marital home had been sold. We had known each other for 30 years and he contacted me a shortly after he left for his parents. He originally contacted me due to a mutual interest that we had and we met up to discuss this and very slowly we became closer. What we did do was openly communicate. When we realised we had feelings he was open about he wasn't quite over his marriage and needed to process it and move into his new home and settle. I left him alone for a good 6 months and even dated as I have to get on with life rather than sitting and waiting for someone that 'might' come back. It took a long time and a slow progression but the communication was fundamental through this. He has been apart from his wife for 2 years now, settled in his new home and we are very happy. We now see each other 2 to 3 times a week, constantly in contact and he is a great support to me and I to him. So, I reckon if you can take baby steps and remember he needs time to process and settle, he may also come across as hot and cold in the way he feels (part of the processing) then go for it with your eyes wide open. I was aware that I could be the rebound and didn't want that so gave him the space to really grieve and settle. It worked. Just be careful and go for it!

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 07/10/2021 16:59

Go for it

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 17:26

The only other thing I just thought of is if it’s been 10 years maybe you represent a fantasy/escape. Even if you want it, separations and divorces are painful and you don’t want to be someone’s soft landing. As others said if you do proceed, go very slowly.

amb1979 · 07/10/2021 18:35

It depends...he may have processed everything prior to leaving and a divorce is just the formality. In all honesty if there was a film with background music of a couple who wrong time etc and then got together after all these years and lived happily ever after, I'd watch it! Just go with the flow, there is no set time to wait.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/10/2021 19:15

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

My "rule" was always divorce "filed" and living separately.

I would not wait until divorce "final" since that can take years.

I also assumed they were still having sex with their soon-to-be-ex as a one-off every now and then - like transitional sex - for a bit and not get too worked up over it.

Why on earth would you asume THAT. Bloody hell, my ex and I would have rathered pull our own toe nails out than have 'transitional' sex, whatever that is.
Ahhbiscuits · 07/10/2021 21:42

All these rules about what this man “NEEDS” to do.
No one has any idea what went on in his marriage, his ex partner could be dating someone new or looking to! Does that mean he still has to wait 6 months/20 months/2 years and all the rest of the suggestions?

I have learnt through severe heartache and loss, life can be snatched away at any moment, if there is a chance of happiness, seize it for heavens sake. If it doesn’t work out, at least you won’t be wondering “what if” and on the other hand, it could end up being beautiful 💝

NCBlossom · 08/10/2021 01:00

There is something pretty off though, about being the OW in an emotional affair, and now ready to pounce as soon as the ‘coast is clear’ to a man who couldn’t care less about cheating on his wife. It’s not a grand romance!

SteveArnottsWaistcoat · 08/10/2021 01:09

Do it. He could be the one. How will you know until you try?

luckyJasmin · 08/10/2021 02:19

@Thethingswedoforlove

I don’t understand why you would wait. He has moved out. You are single. Grab life.
+1

A lot of people can't be bothered with the legal proceedings and stay legally married for years (have seen a lot of examples here on mn; also it took me 5 years to finally get divorced myself).

Some divorces are complex and can take years. Having said that he's only moved out 2 months ago! Give it time. Even if you say marriage was dead a long time ago, he will still be adjusting to his new living situation, and processing final separation.

LHReturns · 08/10/2021 02:23

Oh for gods sake. Go for it. He waited until he had separated. He didn’t do the ‘separate bedrooms / no sex thing’. He may have emotionally separated ages ago. Divorce will take ages.

Just try not to get serious fast - and don’t talk about his practical divorce stuff. It is seriously boring and various details will piss you off. Don’t get invested or have any view on his divorce.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/10/2021 06:01

You didn’t pursue an affair
Now he is single
Why not ? Relationships end all the time

I’d go slow , but go

Lollypop701 · 08/10/2021 06:17

Why the assumption that’s he’s a serial EA cheater? Op wasn’t and she was equally involved? Not all men a bastards, we all make mistakes and op and ex walked away ! Op I would date him, as you say life is short. A little cautious perhaps, but then I’d say that whoever it was!

isthismylifenow · 08/10/2021 06:37

As a general rule I would say to wait 6 months to a year. So that the guy can get the 'fucking around' out of his system.

But this isn't a hard and fast rule. My concerns would be:

if he left the marital home, does he have a new fixed home set up. Or is he couch surfing with friends or family, or has he moved into a stop gap accommodation. This would concern me as there may be intent to move in with someone quite fast.

How independent is he? Is he the type of person who needs to have.a partner or is he OK with living alone.

I know the DC are adults, but what is his relationship like with them?

I would say meeting for a drink would be okay but I think you'de need to have your radar up.

DoraMaude · 08/10/2021 07:27

I've never heard these rules about not dating until divorced etc. It certainly didn't stop me when I split up from my first husband.

You're single, he's single. Just go for it. What's the worst that can happen? Life is short.

Original poster
TrainforSpeed · 08/10/2021 07:32

@NCBlossom

There is something pretty off though, about being the OW in an emotional affair, and now ready to pounce as soon as the ‘coast is clear’ to a man who couldn’t care less about cheating on his wife. It’s not a grand romance!
Couldn't care less? Believe me he cared a lot. It caused us both a lot of distress when we realised that what we'd considered was a friendship had become something more.

We should have realised sooner and there were circumstances for both of us at the time that meant no one was giving the marriages the attention they deserved but it really wasn't "couldn't care less".

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 08/10/2021 07:38

If it was a guy who hadn’t had an affair I’d say wait six months. Then you can find out if he wants to be with you or if he just doesn’t want to be alone. I’m always skeptical of guys who immediately get with someone else, usually just means they want a new wife-mummy.

But I don’t fuck with cheaters. If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.

Lolabray · 08/10/2021 07:41

Maybe the reason the marriage didn’t work is because he has something special with you. I’d go for it x

Original poster
TrainforSpeed · 08/10/2021 07:44

@isthismylifenow

As a general rule I would say to wait 6 months to a year. So that the guy can get the 'fucking around' out of his system.

But this isn't a hard and fast rule. My concerns would be:

if he left the marital home, does he have a new fixed home set up. Or is he couch surfing with friends or family, or has he moved into a stop gap accommodation. This would concern me as there may be intent to move in with someone quite fast.

How independent is he? Is he the type of person who needs to have.a partner or is he OK with living alone.

I know the DC are adults, but what is his relationship like with them?

I would say meeting for a drink would be okay but I think you'de need to have your radar up.

He's got a flat, but I agree I need to see it/be sure about that. He won't be moving in with me whatever his situation is and I don't for a minute think he's got any expectation of that.

I think he's pretty independent. He 's quite capable around the house. We used to "joke" we'd be terrible together anyway because we essentially fulfilled the same role in our families. He actually did a lot of the "wife work" . Was always in charge of homework and Christmas shopping for example.

He's very close to his DC. Oldest is in his 30s and they watch sport/drink together quite often, just to two of them. Younger one is away at uni but they're in regular contact with almost daily texts.

I do get the impression that he and wife have been living fairly separate lives for a while, but I haven't been having those kinds of conversations with him for a very long time and would take it with a pinch of salt anyway.

I'm really not thinking of "the future", just someone to have a bit of a social life with . I've no intention of e.g involving him in my family social things.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 08/10/2021 07:48

Go for it. You sound sensible and you’ll be cautious. Take it slow and enjoy spending time together. You’re doing nothing wrong. Life is for living.

Indoctro · 08/10/2021 07:53

I would go for it, he has left his marriage and is now single and so are you

Life is too short to not go for what you want

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/10/2021 09:53

We used to "joke" we'd be terrible together anyway because we essentially fulfilled the same role in our families. He actually did a lot of the "wife work" . Was always in charge of homework and Christmas shopping for example.

Regardless of timings, remember that you would be starting from new really. Because all the stuff like this re his role at home / homework / shopping - is all what he told you at the time. At a time he had a crush on you and wanted you to think the best of him. In reality he may have been a lazy prick at home. He might not have been, but he might have been. You got the best of him when you had the emotional affair - that's what makes them so cruel in a way. People give the best of themselves to their EA partner leaving all the moodiness / niggles / frustration etc left behind for the person they live with. Be conscious of that. You've seen his best side only and even then you only really 'know' what he told you at the time, which was always going to have painted him in the best light.

Onthedunes · 08/10/2021 12:59

Oh my goodness, I cannot reiterate enough how right @youvegottenminuteslynn is right.

You don't know him, this man who worked, did all the "wife stuff' and had time to have an emotional affair with you, he sounds a star.

I think you are about to find out who he is, unless he only remains giving you a part of himself, the part that you think he is.

I honestly think you have been fed a lie that he's constructed about himself.
Yeah, go for it but somehow I think you're going to be dissapointed.

Original poster
TrainforSpeed · 08/10/2021 13:12

LOL becuae you know him better than I do?

Il not planning to move in with him, just have a drink and see how it goes and I won't ever be in a position where I'm doing that stuff for him anyway.

OP posts:
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