Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long after he left the marital home would you get involved with a married man?

150 replies

TrainforSpeed · 06/10/2021 21:45

It's a long sad story. More than a decade ago I had an EA with a colleague. We realised a bit too late that our friendship was more than that and stepped right back, both agreeing that if we'd met when we were single we'd have "something" but as we didn't we needed to stay apart.

Have seen each other very occasionally at social things since and kept things very light and friendly. Text exchanges a few times a year, just Happy Birthday or similar.

Anyway, I've been single for a while now (nothing to do with EA) and he's just moved out of the family home, by what appears to be mutual agreement.

He's been in touch.

I'm inclined to say get back to me once the divorce is finalised, but maybe life's short and you have to grab it while you can?

OP posts:
Arabelladrinkstea · 07/10/2021 10:33

Go for it!
You’re both single.
Both adults.
Clearly liked each other but both took a step back.
This is exciting!!! Grin

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 10:37

Emotional affairs are shit though for the other partner, they’re not exciting. They can actually make you feel loopy as the unknowing and cause lots of problems with your partner.

Hen2018 · 07/10/2021 10:40

I went out with someone who had been separated for a year (they lived in different houses/towns).

After a year long relationship, I popped round to see him and she had moved back in.

maofteens · 07/10/2021 10:40

I met my husband nine months after he had left. They were mid divorce. I did ask if he thought he was ready for another serious relationship so soon, and he pointed out it wasn't like he and his ex woke up one day and decided they didn't want to be together, it was over the last four years (maybe longer) that they had been drifting apart and no longer supporting each other as they should. The split was mutual, and while it did turn a bit nasty once it was clear he had moved on, I trusted that he knew his heart. We married not long after his divorce was finalised.

Jaguarshoes · 07/10/2021 10:41

Why wait? You had a connection, he did the right thing at the time, and did not contact you again until he had moved out. Most likely the marriage has been dead for years. He’s more likely to know his own heart at his age if he has adult children and a broken marriage. I see no point in waiting for happiness, it sounds as though you’ve had your fair share of difficult times and deserve to have some fun. Just see how things go, take it slow and be honest with him.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/10/2021 10:41

Yeah. I'd wait until the divorce.

Movinghouseatlast · 07/10/2021 10:43

A similar thing happened to me, but the guy waited until his divorce had come through, by which time I was with someone else!

I think you should go for it, but take things slowly at first. I can't see that the outcome would be any different.

You are both single!

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 10:47

Maybe you are sole mates.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 07/10/2021 12:11

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Yeah. I'd wait until the divorce.
Even if that takes nearly 4 years, like mine did?
AnnieSnap · 07/10/2021 12:13

@TrainforSpeed

If he's looking for someone to do wife work he's seriously looking in the wrong place. I'm absolutely clear in my mind that I'll never live with a man again.

Bearing in mind we were very (too) close for quite a while and never slept together I don't think it's all about sex either.

We both have adult children and if we did meet it would be very casually with no plans to introduce them for now.

And yes, we've probably both considered the people we know and who might be good for a night out now our circumstances have changed. Why wouldn't you?

I agree there's lots of things wrong with it, but DH died before making even half his dreams and plans come true...that focuses the mind on living today and not waiting for tomorrow.

And those who want to judge what happened more than 10 years ago have no idea what was going on in either of our lives at the time. Life's not that black and white.

If you are both old enough to have adult children, go for it. Life is too short. None of us know what is around the corner. I was 49 when I met my now husband only two months after telling my ex our 29 year marriage was over (and as I said earlier, I was still sharing the marital home with him). It wasn’t rebound psychologically, as the marriage had be dead for years. We have been together for 13 years now, married for 6 and we are so right for each other. You haven’t really got anything to lose, but you could have a world to gain
Gensola · 07/10/2021 12:19

Lol my divorce took two years to go through the courts - life is too short!

CheddarTheDog · 07/10/2021 12:25

I’ve been separated since January. Even though it was definitely the right decision, I wouldn’t have been in the right place to date after two months. I started in August, because I’m ready too. But I’m also not necessarily looking for the next DH.

We’re not divorced because we’re waiting for the no fault ones in April. Everything else is sorted out though so it feels like we are.

I think you should just meet him for coffee and a catch up and you’ll soon see what place he’s in. I’d be wary of you just being seen as an easy win though because of your history.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 07/10/2021 12:35

@TrainforSpeed

A discussion is all I want from the thread.

It's a funny sort of thrill seeking when you wait more than ten years for it Grin

Follow your heart and your instincts. He's not forgotten you, and you've not forgotten him. sounds like a bit of unfinished business for both of you.
ChargingBuck · 07/10/2021 13:03

He's just moved out of the marital home ... then he's instantly in touch?

Fuck that noise. Don't be his rebound woman.

He needs to have the courtesy to sort out his new single life, help his kids adapt, & spend several months relying solely on himself.

It's quite unattractive that this hasn't occurred to him, & instead, he gravitates toward the Nearest Available Single Woman.
It's not flattering OP, it's needy, & indicative of someone who can't cope alone, so looks for an instant emotional prop.

Don't be his prop. You are worth more than that.

PearLime · 07/10/2021 13:40

Defo make sure he has moved out properly and it is t just some ruse to get you into bed or test the waters of single life.

Make sure you actually see where he is living before anything happens!

vikmc87 · 07/10/2021 14:10

@TrainforSpeed you are me 3 and a half years ago. I had the exact same experience. I realised I was having an emotional affair with a friend and stepped back. We worked together so would still see each other but didn’t put ourselves in a position that could overstep the mark. I was in an abusive relationship and he had married the wrong person who only cared about how things looked on social media and to present a wonderful life to the outside world took out a lot of debt in his name, which he paid had to pay off. They split up because of that nearly a year after we had stepped back from each other. I was divorced at this point. Four months after he left he asked me to go to a Pearl Jam gig with him, and that night we kissed. We have been together ever since. People gossiped about whether we had an affair (nope!) but I didn’t care. Our baby is nearly a month old, we are engaged, have two dogs and we own our own house right by the beach. I have never been happier. I have never felt more loved.

Both of us had made stupid mistakes in our twenties, staying in relationships that weren’t right but avoiding all the warning signs because of how many people told us life is not perfect, people do get cold feet before a wedding, and just plodded along into marriages because that’s what everyone else was doing.

Things have moved so quickly because it feels so different. My point is don’t listen to anyone, only you know what is right for you.

mewkins · 07/10/2021 14:14

@Zarene

Your first instinct is right.

He’s married. Financially/ legally/ emotionally/ morally, I would not go there.

There are plenty of us who are married but have been separated years (4 and counting!) Neither me or exh feel morally obligated to each other. Confused
TabithaTiger · 07/10/2021 14:22

I would meet up with him and see what happens. To me, the fact that nothing happened and you both stepped back from each other before tells me he's a decent human being. You're still in contact so there must be a spark there. Just go into it with an open mind and no expectations. He'll need some time to process the end of his marriage, I wouldn't jump into anything serious yet.

pog100 · 07/10/2021 14:22

Well that seems pretty conclusive NOT 🙂

SunshineCake1 · 07/10/2021 14:26

It's an individual decision.

How long should one wait to get another pet after one has died
How long before dating after being widowed

This is the same. Different for everyone.

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 15:07

Has he got young kids? How long has he been divorced/separated for?

TakeMeToKernow · 07/10/2021 15:40

My ExH met his new wife just 3 months after our separation. We were still living together!

I reckon you should go for it 😁

AryaStarkWolf · 07/10/2021 16:02

Meh I'd give it a go, he's moved out of the house and you're single so why not? what's the worst that can happen?

CaptainRossPoldark · 07/10/2021 16:22

Having been in a similar position. You don't need to move to quickly.

You only live once and you're a long time dead.

Ilady · 07/10/2021 16:37

He has just moved out of his martial home and he got in touch straight away?

It sounds like your his rebound woman. He knows your single and possibly available. You had a previous history with him but that's 10 years ago. Over time people can and do change due to life experiences and circumstances. In some cases it because people eventually cop on or grow up and realise that they have to make changes themselves for their own long term future.

I know men who don't like been on their own and can't cope with this. The reality could be kicking in now that he is single and now he is responsible for doing everything for himself. Along with this he is spending more time alone and at weekends his friends are doing family things or going away with wives or partners.
He may not like been on his own and wants your support in getting through his marriage brake up.

The reality is that he needs to spend sometime on his own. He needs to sort out a divorce and legal matters. He needs to spend some time sorting out his own life going forward before getting into another relationship.