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Original poster

How long after he left the marital home would you get involved with a married man?

150 replies

TrainforSpeed · 06/10/2021 21:45

It's a long sad story. More than a decade ago I had an EA with a colleague. We realised a bit too late that our friendship was more than that and stepped right back, both agreeing that if we'd met when we were single we'd have "something" but as we didn't we needed to stay apart.

Have seen each other very occasionally at social things since and kept things very light and friendly. Text exchanges a few times a year, just Happy Birthday or similar.

Anyway, I've been single for a while now (nothing to do with EA) and he's just moved out of the family home, by what appears to be mutual agreement.

He's been in touch.

I'm inclined to say get back to me once the divorce is finalised, but maybe life's short and you have to grab it while you can?

OP posts:
Rummikub · 06/10/2021 23:10

@ComtesseDeSpair

I wouldn’t want to get into a relationship with a man who was so eager to find his next relationship after his previous one has barely ended. He needs the time to process how he feels and learn who he is as his own person. Otherwise it seems like he just can’t stand to be alone and I’d wonder if he really liked me, or just that I represented not having to be single.
Completely agree with the above.

He does need to process the end of his marriage rather than jumping straight from one bed into another.

Learningtobeafeministagain · 06/10/2021 23:13

Why not go for coffee and dates? But draw a boundary in your head and stick to it - eg lunchtime only but I’d absolutely want to see if it had potential in

Rummikub · 06/10/2021 23:24

Because I imagine It’ll be impossible to take it slowly. He’s just moved out and this is feelings from ten years ago.

Livelovebehappy · 06/10/2021 23:32

Has he definitely separated? Maybe he is testing the waters with you first to see if the interest is still there, and reeling you in before leaving his wife. I would want to make absolutely sure he has moved out.

sospspsp · 06/10/2021 23:32

Never.
It's too quick, I don't want someone's still warm sloppy seconds.

(I have been divorced myself)

PearLime · 06/10/2021 23:39

I think people are being a little harsh. But if you see a future with this guy then defo make sure you aren't a rebound.

Maybe start seeing him for dates etc, but take it slowly.

Scrapper142 · 06/10/2021 23:44

If there is genuine feeling for him walk away. He's likely after a quick shag. You're easy prey as he has an established connection. He'll say the right stuff then fuck you and fuck off. If that's ok with you and you can cope with that then crack on, but don't pretend or fool yourself if it's not.

Otherwise tell him to come back in six months, at least there's some commitment then.

NewlySingle2021 · 06/10/2021 23:52

I'd definitely try a few dates with him, why not? My ex has only recently moved out but our marriage has been dead for well over a year. I've processed it all for a long time now and would be ready to try casual daring if someone special came along. I think it may be easier as we've amicably agreed to separate so I don't think there's likely to be any issues with either of us dating. If I had an attraction or chemistry with someone I'd missed out on years ago no way would I want to delay any more. I feel like my life's been on hold too long already, I'd grab the opportunity! Perhaps he's thinking along the same lines.

Onthedunes · 07/10/2021 00:06

Well considering you managed to step right back 10 years ago and restrain yourself, and only Confused have an emotional affair I think it would be wise to do the same now.

If he's just moved out I can see nothing but problems and you being blamed as the instigator of his departure.

MiddlesexGirl · 07/10/2021 00:11

Dating fine.
Moving in ..... probably 2 years or so. Maybe more depending on children.

Rummikub · 07/10/2021 00:17

Did you mention if he has children?
They news to be considered too

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 07/10/2021 00:44

My "rule" was always divorce "filed" and living separately.

I would not wait until divorce "final" since that can take years.

I also assumed they were still having sex with their soon-to-be-ex as a one-off every now and then - like transitional sex - for a bit and not get too worked up over it.

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 00:51

You already cheated by having an EA so contributed to his break up. He obviously doesn’t care about treating a relationship with any respect. If you want him, go for him, but he’s no prize!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/10/2021 00:51

I'd take it slow but I don't see a problem meeting up with him. You may not even have the attraction anymore after all these years

FrDamo · 07/10/2021 01:12

I started seeing a guy who had been separated for approx 1 year. I was mid 20's at the time. We are still together 25 years later.

Now, I didn't know him before his marriage broke down and I wasn't in the "rebound" timeframe like you. So while I'm wishing you all the best my concern is that there are no guarantees and I'd be inclined to take it slow, very slow. No one wants to crash and burn.

Suzi888 · 07/10/2021 01:22

@Dixiechickonhols

If he’s definitely left - fully moved out, told people separated, consulted solicitor re divorce I’d see no harm in dating but take things slowly.
^This Go for it, just make sure you don’t get hurt (if possible!)
AnnieSnap · 07/10/2021 01:36

If he is moved out of the family home, it’s reasonable to assume tge marriage is over bar the paperwork. I met my now husband 13 years ago when I was still living in the marital home (separated by everything except address). The plan was to sell it. I ended up buying my ex out. It wasn’t finalised until 7 months after I met my now husband. I didn’t see it as cheating in anyway. I had made it Crystal clear to my ex that the marriage was over before that. Two months after leaving is free and clear IMO.

PhillMcCann · 07/10/2021 01:41

If you want him, go for him, but he’s no prize!

This. Not only did he cheat on his wife but he didn't even show her the decency to cut contact with the OW.

She's well rid and you're a cheat and a fool.

RantyAunty · 07/10/2021 01:45

You're instinct is right.

Men like him don't like being single as they want a replacement around to do all the things his wife did to make his life easier.

Sex, cooking, cleaning, wifework.

How many other women has he kept in touch with over the years just in case his wife got tired of him and gave him the boot?

He's likely going through his phone looking for the next sucker to take him up on the wonderful opportunity.

Graphista · 07/10/2021 01:51

At least 6 months

Prior to that it's all too raw still and very messy and that's still the very earliest I would go. A year would be better

If he ends up with a 3rd woman less than 6 months post split I'd say you dodged a bullet as he clearly doesn't really care beyond avoiding being single!

Yaya26 · 07/10/2021 02:17

My heart would say crack on and go for it if there is still feelings there after 10 years

But my head would say discuss with him that you are tempted but ask him to come back in 6 months (set a date). If this is genuinely anything you'll both be available.

starrynight21 · 07/10/2021 02:22

Life is too short to wait ! The fact that he just moved out, could mean anything. A lot of people stay in the marital home long after they've agreed to separate . I stayed for several months, so by the time I actually moved out I'd actually been separated for a much longer time.

I'd go for it. Hanging about for some unspecified time "just to be sure" won't change anything. Jump in and see how it works out !

backtolifebacktoreality · 07/10/2021 03:51

I seem to have a different view to many others.

It appears you both really liked each other many years ago. You both realised you were getting too close so backed off because of your partners.

You've now both separated from your partners.

After all this time he still has feelings for you.

I actually think this is nice.

Go for it!

Selttan · 07/10/2021 06:12

Sorry if I've missed this are there kids involved?

If yes, I think I'd say to wait till the divorce is finalized.

If not, I'd just take it very slowly and casually date.

Divebar2021 · 07/10/2021 06:20

Men like him don't like being single

The only thing we know about him is he was attracted to the OP and then stepped back… didn’t go any further. If you seriously think you get to “men like him” off the back of that then you’re living in cloud cuckoo land. Unless of course you mean “men who get divorced” of which the same could be said of every divorced woman out there.

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