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Original poster

How long after he left the marital home would you get involved with a married man?

150 replies

TrainforSpeed · 06/10/2021 21:45

It's a long sad story. More than a decade ago I had an EA with a colleague. We realised a bit too late that our friendship was more than that and stepped right back, both agreeing that if we'd met when we were single we'd have "something" but as we didn't we needed to stay apart.

Have seen each other very occasionally at social things since and kept things very light and friendly. Text exchanges a few times a year, just Happy Birthday or similar.

Anyway, I've been single for a while now (nothing to do with EA) and he's just moved out of the family home, by what appears to be mutual agreement.

He's been in touch.

I'm inclined to say get back to me once the divorce is finalised, but maybe life's short and you have to grab it while you can?

OP posts:
Couldhavebeenme3 · 07/10/2021 06:21

My divorce took nearly 4 years to finalise due to one thing and another asshole ex.

I considered myself 'single' as soon as we separated, and I consider that my marriage was over for a very long time before we separated officially. I was done emotionally for probably 2 years beforehand.

It may be that 2 months is too soon, but if he's moved out, everyone is aware they're divorcing etc then go for it. It might be hard going while he sorts everything out, but I wouldn't feel guilty about anything.

bathsh3ba · 07/10/2021 07:13

I would say not until he is divorced personally. He is still legally married so to me he would be off limits. However I would at least give it a year.

My experience is that most men either move on to a series of rebound relationships after moving out or want to 'play the field'. Immediately getting with a long partner seems quite rare.

Original poster
TrainforSpeed · 07/10/2021 07:14

If he's looking for someone to do wife work he's seriously looking in the wrong place. I'm absolutely clear in my mind that I'll never live with a man again.

Bearing in mind we were very (too) close for quite a while and never slept together I don't think it's all about sex either.

We both have adult children and if we did meet it would be very casually with no plans to introduce them for now.

And yes, we've probably both considered the people we know and who might be good for a night out now our circumstances have changed. Why wouldn't you?

I agree there's lots of things wrong with it, but DH died before making even half his dreams and plans come true...that focuses the mind on living today and not waiting for tomorrow.

And those who want to judge what happened more than 10 years ago have no idea what was going on in either of our lives at the time. Life's not that black and white.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/10/2021 07:19

I was the rebound girl once, never again. I would never date anyone who has not been single at least 2yrs.

(that's single by choice, not on dating sites)

I once heard a theory that you should be single 2x the months you've been with someone. So 10yrs = 20 months.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/10/2021 07:23

X post. My dh died too, I'm sorry.

Your last post makes it clear you're looking for something living apart, so I'd say go for it

Dery · 07/10/2021 07:31

“Do guys wait 6 months post divorce before dating ?I would say you’d be gutted if you brushed him off then he got involved with someone else instead. If you’ve got other options that you find equally as compelling I would say don’t bother but if not then I would date him but take things very slowly. People will think what they want… you can’t control that. Who gives a shit? The important thing is you know the truth.”

This.

PermanentTemporary · 07/10/2021 07:31

Jesus, I'm mystified by most of this. I'd be getting out for a fun night soonest. For sure I would have a look for signs that he was still in the relationship mentally, emotionally or practically, but God, life is short.

Beamur · 07/10/2021 07:38

I started seeing my DH about 3 months post split from his wife. To be honest, I did think it was a bit longer (he didn't mislead me, I assumed incorrectly). He was a bit raw but we didn't rush (kids involved) and we're still together almost 20 years later.
In your shoes I would cautiously date. You know you like each other, you're both unattached, life is short.

Selttan · 07/10/2021 07:40

If the children are adults, then I say go for it.

There's no harm in seeing if you still click like you used to and there's no rush, you can take your time getting to know each other again.

Fireflygal · 07/10/2021 07:45

Op, just take it slow and be aware you might not be the only EA in his phone book that he's tried to call. That might sound cynical but it's based on experience, that most (not all) men can't cope with being alone so seek a replacement very quickly.

How he handles the divorce will be important as it could drag you into a mess that isn't yours. If he is mature and emotionally intelligent he will be aware enough to know that he is still in the transition stage. Often the thrill of a new marriage overrides the grief of a marriage ending BUT that stage has to come..often a few years down the line when you're heavily involved.

BobLemon · 07/10/2021 08:12

ADULT children?! Oh flipping heck, just stick on your best knickers and ask him for a drink Grin

Clawdy · 07/10/2021 08:15

I'd go for it. If it doesn't work, then that's life, you move on. Better than regretting what might have been wonderful.

Rummikub · 07/10/2021 08:24

I’m curious.. did he leave her or did she ask him to leave?
And in those ten years he had been trying to save his marriage or waiting for children to grow?

FinallyHere · 07/10/2021 08:25

OK, so he has moved out of the family home. Where are they in the process of separation?

Moving out could be the first outward sign that the marriage is not healthy, so they are trying some space or ... has the divorce been started and the financial separation agreement been signed ?

I think it matters.

Divorce is difficult enough without one or both of the parties having moved on to the extend that they have acquired new partners.

MorrisZapp · 07/10/2021 08:26

I would imagine there's been a long process which has led him to the point of actually moving out. He will have dealt with the loss of his marriage already, in many ways. Certainly when my parents separated to the point of moving out all other avenues had been long exhausted.

Go and meet him. Hear him out at least.

Tellmeee · 07/10/2021 08:31

I had someone contact me after he left his wife. I was very cautious as it was only a matter of weeks after they split but he was very full-on and bombarded me, wanting to take me out and making lots of effort. It didn’t work out and looking back, we should have just stayed friends.

In your case if you do want to see him, take it very slowly and don’t jump into a relationship straight away, even if that’s what he wants.

Iheartmysmart · 07/10/2021 08:35

Sometimes we meet the right person at the wrong time. Personally if I still had feelings for someone after all this time I’d start dating them under these circumstances but take it slowly. Life is short, don’t miss out on a chance of happiness.

KittyBurrito · 07/10/2021 08:37

I wouldn't. Period.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 07/10/2021 09:00

Jesus, I'm mystified by most of this. I'd be getting out for a fun night soonest. For sure I would have a look for signs that he was still in the relationship mentally, emotionally or practically, but God, life is short.

This^

And this:

ADULT children?! Oh flipping heck, just stick on your best knickers and ask him for a drink grin

GrandmasCat · 07/10/2021 09:04

I would thread carefully for 6 months as well, to ensure he is more settled and less likely to go back home.

But I wouldn’t mind meeting him for a friendly coffees before then.

Cocogreen · 07/10/2021 09:25

@Deedee121

Stay in contact with him and take it slowly
This. Meet up for a coffee or a drink to start with but give him time to sort himself out.
theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 07/10/2021 09:52

Tbh I don't see any need not to go for it really. Worse that can happen is it doesn't work out-what have you lost? If it goes well then great 🤷🏽‍♀️

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 10:24

Their relationship wasn’t ‘dead in the water’ for years. Yours and others EA’s killed it. Good luck.

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 10:29

Also sorry but agree with the poster above, you won’t be the only one he’s chucked the bait out to with the text. I’ve worked and known with lots of men and women like this. They usually have a harem of EA sources.

SunshineCake1 · 07/10/2021 10:32

If my dh left me I would be calling an ex is how I feel now (Dh has hurt me though and so I wouldn't feel guilty) but obviously I have no idea of the reality.

If you can cope if he hurts you or it doesn't last then why not have a drink with him?