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Relationships

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Original poster

How long after he left the marital home would you get involved with a married man?

150 replies

TrainforSpeed · 06/10/2021 21:45

It's a long sad story. More than a decade ago I had an EA with a colleague. We realised a bit too late that our friendship was more than that and stepped right back, both agreeing that if we'd met when we were single we'd have "something" but as we didn't we needed to stay apart.

Have seen each other very occasionally at social things since and kept things very light and friendly. Text exchanges a few times a year, just Happy Birthday or similar.

Anyway, I've been single for a while now (nothing to do with EA) and he's just moved out of the family home, by what appears to be mutual agreement.

He's been in touch.

I'm inclined to say get back to me once the divorce is finalised, but maybe life's short and you have to grab it while you can?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/10/2021 13:28

@TrainforSpeed

LOL becuae you know him better than I do?

Il not planning to move in with him, just have a drink and see how it goes and I won't ever be in a position where I'm doing that stuff for him anyway.

Such a shitty back to my warning, which was just that - a warning. I said clearly he could indeed be all you thought or it could be that he painted himself in the most flattering light.

My insight was based on the fact that when I was a teenager I saw correspondence between my dad and the woman he had an affair with. I didn't recognise the picture he painted of himself to her - it was a twisted version of the truth, making him out to be a real martyr when in fact he wasn't involved in family stuff despite living with us because he had no interest in it. He made up little lies, big lies, and embellished the truth to paint himself as a hard done by family man.

It took years to rebuild our relationship because I felt so sad he had painted our lives in that way. Him and the same women are now married and she is unhappy as she relatively quickly realised he was exactly as my mum described him in a relationship, not how he described himself.

No need for such a sarcy, defensive reply tbh.

bigbaggyeyes · 08/10/2021 13:33

If it's a mutual split then I'd ask go for it, just keep your eyes open that you're not the rebound otherwise you could get hurt.

Original poster

TrainforSpeed · 08/10/2021 13:35

It wasn't intended to be sarcy, I'm sorry. Of course I don't know him properly but we never know people when we embark on something new.

OP posts:

HeartsAndClubs · 08/10/2021 13:50

OP, I think that we all have someone out there where we think “another time, another place,” but it never happens and in many instances it never even gets to the point of discussion.

I know there’s at least one friend of mine who, if we both became single and he approached me, I would wonder whether it was worth taking the chance. But we never spoke about it, there was never an emotional connection there, but I’m pretty sure that most people have someone like that out there.

The difference for you is that you and this guy did have an emotional connection, and as such people are judging you based on that. But these things are rarely black and white.

At the end of the day you need to ask yourself what you want from this. If you’re both single, and yes, having moved out of the marital home does mean he’s single in terms of being able to date, then there’s no harm in going for a drink, and if things progress from there, well then you take that one day at a time. If they don’t, then you can maintain the friendship as it was/is.

Going for a drink doesn’t imply you’re the OW moving in for the kill as soon as he’s available. TBH I’m a bit about this notion of emotional affairs anyway, assuming you didn’t talk sex and talk about what you wanted to do to each other, it strikes me that it was a friendship which got close, and had the potential to go too far. But I wouldn’t class that as an emotional affair given you stepped back from it as soon as you both recognised it for its potential.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/10/2021 13:51

OP you weren't sarky at all to that poster, I think it is fair to say that she has a very particular perspective based on her own life experience (as do we all of course). You quite rightly pointed out that you knew this person and over a long period of time. Lots of people here seem to be ignoring your assertions that you are anticipating a light and hopefully pleasurable reunion of sorts with this chap, no expectations or big plans. Some here are determined to have you back in a week complaining about cleaning his dirty underpants..

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/10/2021 13:58

@theleafandnotthetree

I mean... "LOL becuae you know him better than I do?" is pretty sarcy 😂

It's fine, I'm not upset by it I just thought it was rude and OP said sorry so all good.

I'm not personally 'determined' for OP to be doing anything either way, I was just flagging that in EAs people do give their best version of themselves to their affair partner and it's worth bearing that in mind.

Up to OP what to do next - he could be lovely now for all any of us know 🤷🏻‍♀️

HeronLanyon · 08/10/2021 14:02

We’re all different and at different stages of life etc.
Completely understand your quandary.
For me I would probably want to leave it until around a year (?). Let him discover what life alone is like and see others etc. Let it not be that he left his wife thinking you were there on tap. Doesn’t sound good so soon.

ispepsiokay · 08/10/2021 14:13

Go for it! It might fizzle out, it might be true love, you may end up with a great friend, he may be an arsehole. Only one way to find out!

allsorts1 · 08/10/2021 15:37

I would be worried about being a rebound. Do relationships right after marriages ever work out? I'd keep in touch in a flirty way but try to avoid meeting for a month or so more. And also obviously be sure it's finished with his marriage.

Maybe be honest in a nice way, something like, "it would be great to see if our spark is still there! But I would want a fresh start, so why don't you let me know when things are wrapped up with your marriage and you're settling into single life, and we can see about a date then?"

If he's actually serious about you I'm sure he wouldn't mind texting and keeping in touch for a few more months?

BelleBox19 · 08/10/2021 15:45

I'd say go for it! If it's what you both want.

The reality is, in my opinion, that this man has obviously not gotten over you if he's reaching out at this stage - and you seem to want to reconnect also.

Sometimes things just don't work (his marriage) and a lot of times EA's/Affairs happen because people are so unhappy. That doesn't make it right though, but Im not judgemental if it doesn't concern me

It might be all you both imagined and it might not when it actually happens but life is so, so short! If you think you could be happy together I wouldn't waste any time and feck what anyone IRL thinks

allsorts1 · 08/10/2021 16:04

I think the chat and flirt mildly but delay for a wee bit strategy also has the added benefit of building up a bit of romantic tension between you, which is always a plus if you actually do end up wanting it to work? Rather than just be like, first thing he does after he moves out. Makes it a bit more of a romantic chase and gets his head in the game.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 08/10/2021 17:42

Depends…my DH wasn’t divorced yet when I met him. However he had been away from the family home for just short of two years, had a custody agreement and maintenance agreement in place and had received his decree nisi. He received his decree absolute after we’d been together a few weeks and we married two years later. I’d wait until he was settled into his “new” life and with all his financial ducks in a row and then take it slowly.

AnnieSnap · 08/10/2021 20:31

I am always taken aback by all the MNs on this thread and so many others, who make sweeping assumptions about people based on no evidence and little information! For instance, “I think he had fed you a lie”. Based on what? The advice you offer based on your sweeping assumptions could seriously impact on someone’s life FFS! 🤷‍♀️

Lookingoutside · 08/10/2021 21:51

‘People will think you've been fucking around all this time. If you can accept that, go for it.’

People? Fuck that OP! 😂

I don’t see the problem here and I think you should see where it goes with him. Go on some dates, have the inevitable sex. Imagine the passion after ten years of build up.

Enjoy 😉

GrandmasCat · 08/10/2021 22:38

@Lookingoutside

‘People will think you've been fucking around all this time. If you can accept that, go for it.’

People? Fuck that OP! 😂

I don’t see the problem here and I think you should see where it goes with him. Go on some dates, have the inevitable sex. Imagine the passion after ten years of build up.

Enjoy 😉

I would add to that, those who care about you won’t believe it, those who don’t, do not matter.

Life is short to waste it pleasing people that are not important in your life.

NCBlossom · 08/10/2021 23:27

It caused us both a lot of distress when we realised that what we'd considered was a friendship had become something more.
I eye rolled this comment. It’s so ‘passive’ oh so suddenly you realised it had ‘become’ something more? You were both actively cheating on your marriages. Go ahead and do whatever you want with him now. Totally up to you. But don’t kid yourselves that you never hurt anyone and betrayed trust. That’s really unfair on his wife. She deserves a bit of respect from you which is to be adult and fess up to your part in the EA.

Balonzette · 09/10/2021 04:44

If he was single and I was single then I'd get on with it! Being married on a piece of paper alone, but seperated in every other aspect, would be fine with me as long as I 1) was certain they were over and 2) was happy to take it slow

alloverthecarpetagain · 09/10/2021 05:32

Go on, meet up with him.

yellowpigeons · 09/10/2021 07:03

Can’t believe some of the posters on here. I say just go for it- making sure you don’t get hurt. Emotions are complex, people are messy, and I have a theory that people often have ‘emotional affairs’ when their emotions are being neglected or ignored in the marriage (ie not for wholly negative reasons)

OhDearMuriel · 09/10/2021 07:51

Of course go for it.
But take it very slowly and enjoy it.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 09/10/2021 08:23

People are going to think what they’re going to think.

I’m in situation with a male colleague where people have got the wrong end of the stick, I haven’t done anything but there is no convincing people so I leave them to it. He’s even left, but people are convinced we are having secret contact. It’s so ridiculous, it’s funny.

The only thing that you have to be worried about is that you could be a rebound but you’re not doing anything wrong.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/10/2021 09:02

When they are divorced and have a good co-parenting relationship of any children.
In circumstances where there was an EA or physical cheating, never.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 09/10/2021 09:30

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

When they are divorced and have a good co-parenting relationship of any children. In circumstances where there was an EA or physical cheating, never.

Fuck me, my ex has never ever engaged in anything close to co-parenting and only sees the kids once a year! Oh, and he emotionally abused me for years, and was awol from the delivery room when I was giving birth, on the phone to the OW at the actual time, then dragged me through court for 4 years (he lost at every step), should I never ever be in another relationship? Am I unworthy of being loved again? Should I get 'UNCLEAN' tattooed on my head? Fuck off.

If you've never been there keep your fucking opinions to yourself.

yellowpigeons · 09/10/2021 09:55

@Couldhavebeenme3 I completely understand your perspective. There are such a range of things going on here there's no way to objectively judge anyone else's situation.

If you've got a nice, emotionally engaged husband then cheating on him/getting close to someone else is bad, but if you've got a careless, abusive, manipulative arse then I think you should savour any crumb of intimacy you enjoy, anyone who makes you life and brings you happiness. In that second scenario I think you owe them nothing.

yellowpigeons · 09/10/2021 09:56

makes you laugh that should have said, but makes you life (i.e. live) works too

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