Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should he have gotten mad about this?

129 replies

SillyHousewife · 06/10/2021 02:32

Just trying to get some perspective on this. I was out with my BF of 12 months the other day and we sat down at the yacht club to have dinner. I selected a small steak and chips that came with salad. When he went to the counter to order, I asked if he could check if they could give me veges over salad - I thought this was a pretty standard request. Apparently they said no and that's fine. What wasn't fine was that when he came back, I could tell he was in a bad mood but had no idea why.

I asked what was wrong and he sternly said something like, "You don't change menu items". He waffled a bit saying that it was awkward for him to ask and he told (not asked) me to not ask him to do that again. It's the first time I've seen him cranky with me and I didn't think I did anything wrong. He was unexpectedIy stern and I got upset which ruined my dinner. Because I got teary, I made a mid-dinner escape to the toilet to compose myself - he didn't see me cry but must have known he upset me.

He did apologise a couple of times but it's left a really bad taste in my mouth. I may be over-reacting/over-sensitive but as it's the first time I've seen him mad like that and he made me feel like absolute S$%t over it, I'm not sure if I'm dwelling too much on it or not.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here as I don't believe it was too terrible of me to ask for veges but I guess I'm just wondering if I'm worrying too much about a one-off event or if his behaviour over something so small is a warning of things to come.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 06/10/2021 02:40

He was being a twat. If after 12 minths in it was the first time, i would put it down to bad day. BUT making you feel bad that you were teary bothers me..

Why did you choose your user name?

Original poster
SillyHousewife · 06/10/2021 02:42

@sofato5miles

He was being a twat. If after 12 minths in it was the first time, i would put it down to bad day. BUT making you feel bad that you were teary bothers me..

Why did you choose your user name?

No particular reason in all honesty. Might be time for a change though because I'm not a housewife. Lol
OP posts:
Original poster
SillyHousewife · 06/10/2021 02:44

sofato5miles - he didn't make me feel bad because I was teary. I got teary because it was a side of him I hadn't seen before and his approach to this small conflict made me feel like crap. I did say to him later that next time I ask him something that he's not keen on doing to just let me order myself.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 06/10/2021 02:54

It's perfectly fine and normal to ask to change menu items and your boyfriend's behaviour was unusual.

The reason he got upset about it is nothing to do with you. Something will be going on there for him, maybe he has a bad memory about a similar, embarrassing situation in the past. Maybe his ex always made a giant drama at restaurants, maybe his mum was really strict with him as a kid, could be anything.

It's not great that he tried to make out that you have a problem; it shows a lack of self-awareness on his part, but it might not be a disaster. If you can sit down calmly in the future and ask him about it - 'Hey, the other night has been playing on my mind. You seemed really upset about the veggie thing and I don't really understand why. It's never been an issue for me in restaurants in the past. Did you have a past bad experience with something similar?"

If he can self-reflect and talk to you about what was really going on for him, great! If he doubles down and tells you that you embarrassed him and actually, you were really rude, this would be a big red flag.

Make a mental note either way. If you encounter another situation where he gets mad at you over something that doesn't seem to make sense, compare notes in your mind. It may be that he's not good at taking responsibility for his own feelings.

fallfallfall · 06/10/2021 02:59

Did you want raw veggies ie carrot sticks, celery, cucumber on the side or steamed veggies or spuds?
He’s unpleasant but I hate when people order off the imaginary menu and put the onus on me to deal with it.

Original poster
SillyHousewife · 06/10/2021 03:03

fallfallfall - no wild requests. I just asked for veges over salad. As a mum of 4, I haven't been dining out much for the last 20 years but often with steak, they ask you if you want salad or veges so I thought it was a pretty standard question.

OP posts:
gaggleofgeese · 06/10/2021 03:28

Probably just the start of his true colours. He was being a dick.

sofato5miles · 06/10/2021 04:12

I meant that he was so bad he made you cry. It is the word silly in your user name that concerns me.

He may have been triggered as another PP said but if he can't understand what happened it will happen again

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/10/2021 04:19

In a restaurant your request would be totally normal and nbd. But you said it was a yacht club - my own experience of sailing clubs is that the bar and kitchen are staffed by somebody's pissed off partner and kids. also that everyone is shagging everyone else

His response to you is certainly unusual - if I'd gone to order and asked for a special request and been knocked back, I'd have come back to the table and made a joke of it, and probably said "shall we go somewhere else?"

Nancydrawn · 06/10/2021 05:03

@CheekyHobson

It's perfectly fine and normal to ask to change menu items and your boyfriend's behaviour was unusual.

The reason he got upset about it is nothing to do with you. Something will be going on there for him, maybe he has a bad memory about a similar, embarrassing situation in the past. Maybe his ex always made a giant drama at restaurants, maybe his mum was really strict with him as a kid, could be anything.

It's not great that he tried to make out that you have a problem; it shows a lack of self-awareness on his part, but it might not be a disaster. If you can sit down calmly in the future and ask him about it - 'Hey, the other night has been playing on my mind. You seemed really upset about the veggie thing and I don't really understand why. It's never been an issue for me in restaurants in the past. Did you have a past bad experience with something similar?"

If he can self-reflect and talk to you about what was really going on for him, great! If he doubles down and tells you that you embarrassed him and actually, you were really rude, this would be a big red flag.

Make a mental note either way. If you encounter another situation where he gets mad at you over something that doesn't seem to make sense, compare notes in your mind. It may be that he's not good at taking responsibility for his own feelings.

This is a great post.
Shoxfordian · 06/10/2021 07:06

It’s totally ok to ask for a substitute
Haven’t you done this any other time you’ve been out for dinner?

Riada · 06/10/2021 07:12

Maybe in future go to yacht clubs that have table service, so you can order your own food, and your boyfriend won’t be triggered by having his substitutions refused?

He sounds tiresome, but you getting tearful about him being ‘stern’ also sounds way over the top — as does your username.

Bananalanacake · 06/10/2021 07:27

I'd be worried he's one of those controlling men who doesn't want you to put on weight therefore not eat Chips. Or was it really about asking for something else.

Sparkletastic · 06/10/2021 07:31

Is he easily embarrassed or does he seem generally comfortable and assertive? If the latter I'd say his 'telling off' more likely came from a place of authoritarian control. Was he paying for the meal? Did he think this entitled him to put you in your place?

CSJobseeker · 06/10/2021 07:32

@fallfallfall

Did you want raw veggies ie carrot sticks, celery, cucumber on the side or steamed veggies or spuds? He’s unpleasant but I hate when people order off the imaginary menu and put the onus on me to deal with it.
A side order of vegetables is a very standard thing to ask for. Restaurants and pubs know exactly what it means when you ask. It's just boiled/steamed veg. Peas, carrots, broccoli etc.

I'm surprised someone wouldn't understand what 'veg' means in the context of a steak and chip dinner.

CSJobseeker · 06/10/2021 07:33

Tbh, I'd be questioning whether they genuinely refused the substitution, or whether he just didn't bother to ask.

He was angry and wanted to put you in your place for some reason, so he may well have not asked.

Shelddd · 06/10/2021 07:38

I think it's fine if he doesn't want to go there and ask to change your order after you ordered. There's no issue with that, you're the one that wanted the change you should deal with the wait stuff who might be rude about it.

Buuuuut that's not what happened, he didn't refuse, he said okay and then he made a huge deal out of it. That's really annoying and would irritate me a lot too. If it was a regular thing I probably couldn't be with someone like that.

Shelddd · 06/10/2021 07:40

I reread and realise i misunderstood what you said sorry. Yeah asking for a substitution is pretty normal thing to do when ordering. He just sounds like a dick.

Shelby2010 · 06/10/2021 07:52

Him being a bit grumpy if the restaurant staff had been shirty with him isn’t a big deal in my opinion. What’s more odd is the whole dynamic of him being ‘stern’ making you ‘teary’. Is this really the first time in a year that you’ve had a disagreement or argument?

HowDoYouLikeYourSteak · 06/10/2021 08:07

My ex was like this.

The first time I remember, and which has stayed with me even 20 years on, is when we went to a restaurant and someone recommended a rib-eye steak. I’d never had it before, so was unaware that it was essentially marbled with fat throughout.

I am blind so naturally struggled to separate meat from fat. Ex became quieter and quieter, and when I eventually asked him what was wrong he had a go at me and told me that I was an embarrassment because I couldn’t manage to cut this meat effectively.

I was so embarrassed and mortified and ashamed that I was such an embarrassment that I left the whole meal.

He was very much of the thinking that you should take food as it comes, so there was an expectation that if a dish said with spaghetti, you didn’t ask for it with penne, or ask for prawns to be shelled or fish to be filleted.

I think it’s so upsetting because food is essentially a primal thing. We need food,and as soon as someone makes something of how/what we eat it’s almost as if they are having a go at our whole being. Iyswim.

Hoporific · 06/10/2021 08:27

No excuse for causing an argument over it and upsetting you. That's not very nice behaviour, and something to keep an eye on.

I'd like to think I'd have handled it differently. However it would have wound me a up a bit, asking to change stuff. Also calling vegetables veggies/veges makes me wince. But then I hate drama and fuss. Salad/vegetables would make no difference to me anyway in terms of meal enjoyment.

Maybe if you'd discussed it before he went up to order he wouldn't have felt so awkward. We all have different tolerances over what makes us uncomfortable and you probably put him in an uncomfortable position.

MrsBobBlackadder · 06/10/2021 08:29

@CSJobseeker

Tbh, I'd be questioning whether they genuinely refused the substitution, or whether he just didn't bother to ask.

He was angry and wanted to put you in your place for some reason, so he may well have not asked.

I thought this too
Aprilx · 06/10/2021 08:52

I find it irritating when people faff about changing simple menu items or even worse making up their own menu items, would it have been that hard to eat a salad? That said he over reacted, but then so did you with the crying.

WelliesWithHeels · 06/10/2021 09:13

Your request was very standard and no big deal. I can absolutely understand why you were brought to tears when he came back and snapped/shamed over a simple request. I guarantee the kitchen staff were unbothered by a basic substitution request (it's not like you asked for salad to be replaced with caviar topped blinis).
The thing that jumps out at me most is that it's a big red flag when a partner starts communicating to you that others found your request or behavior unreasonable when most people would not think the same. It can be a very slippery slope towards gaslighting.

Babdoc · 06/10/2021 09:15

Aprilx, seriously? Restaurants exist to serve customers, who are paying for their meals.
A polite request from a customer to make a small change to a dish is perfectly reasonable. If you love steak but hate salad, should you never be allowed to have steak in that restaurant? Asking for a vegetable side dish is fine - the staff can always politely refuse if they don’t have any.
I have in the past asked for children’s size portions of adult dishes for myself, or had two starters instead of a starter and main, or for a dressing to be omitted - it has never been a problem. DD is vegetarian and has asked for a different veggie option in a meat restaurant that only had one. There was a cheery discussion between DD, waiter and chef as to what they could rustle up, and she got a lovely meal.
Poor OP. At best, your BF has social anxiety, is a rigid sticker to rules, and struggles to ask for anything off piste.
At worst- he’s an abusive shit. Only time will tell.