Should he have gotten mad about this?

[SillyHousewife]

Just trying to get some perspective on this. I was out with my BF of 12 months the other day and we sat down at the yacht club to have dinner. I selected a small steak and chips that came with salad. When he went to the counter to order, I asked if he could check if they could give me veges over salad - I thought this was a pretty standard request. Apparently they said no and that's fine. What wasn't fine was that when he came back, I could tell he was in a bad mood but had no idea why.

I asked what was wrong and he sternly said something like, "You don't change menu items". He waffled a bit saying that it was awkward for him to ask and he told (not asked) me to not ask him to do that again. It's the first time I've seen him cranky with me and I didn't think I did anything wrong. He was unexpectedIy stern and I got upset which ruined my dinner. Because I got teary, I made a mid-dinner escape to the toilet to compose myself - he didn't see me cry but must have known he upset me.

He did apologise a couple of times but it's left a really bad taste in my mouth. I may be over-reacting/over-sensitive but as it's the first time I've seen him mad like that and he made me feel like absolute S$%t over it, I'm not sure if I'm dwelling too much on it or not.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here as I don't believe it was too terrible of me to ask for veges but I guess I'm just wondering if I'm worrying too much about a one-off event or if his behaviour over something so small is a warning of things to come.

*arsehole, not arsenal lol

[quote ChargingBuck]@ChargingBuck it’s difficult to minimise an incident when it is already very tiny!
OK @Daisyxo

Let's go out for dinner.
I will randomly kick off about something so insignificant you feel totally sideswiped & as I then decide to berate you & tell you "You just don't DO that! Never do that insignificant thing to me again!" you get wobbly & have a little weep.

That would feel tiny to you, would it?[/quote]
I think we've already established Daisy's high relationship standards.

Op was the problem here, because she didn't instantly accept, get past and move on from his behaviour.

I couldn’t be doing with a bf who spoke to me sternly as if I was a naughty child. As you say he’s revealed a side to him you hadn’t seen, and it isn’t pleasant.

Maybe if my partner did really kick off and berate me and I was feeling fragile I might have a bit of a wobble and go off and weep but I would like to think I would just say stop being an ass.

That is just an unfortunate timing of OP feeling fragile and her partner being an ass. It happens! Regardless, it was a small incident and even if OP didn’t get over the incident at the time they should by now.

he sternly said something like, "You don't change menu items".

Don't you just love it when someone makes up new, bizarre rules thar bear no relation to anything everyone else in the world does on a regular basis. And orders you to obey them like a headmaster.

My h loves mushrooms, fair to say is obsessed with them. He has them with fish and meat, which is not common in many restaurants.... if I were ordering for him, I'd have to regularly ask them.to swap in mushrooms for him. If they were off aboit ot (which would be unusual.in the extreme), I'd come back and say "they do/do not have mushrooms, and that (waiter/waitress/maitred) was a cheeky fkr about it. In which case we might complain about them or far more likely, say nothing but not patronise them again. We'd probably have a bit of joint rationalising or bitching or sympathising about the cheeky fkr. What ops bf has done. its not reasonable

His reaction could have been anxiety related.
Or it could have been the fact his/your request was rejected. Or it could have been something completely different. Something to watch either way.

How does he usually handle rejection?
Have you ever declined an invite out with him, if so, how did he handle it?

:S most restaurants / pubs offer you a choice or sides.. Chips, veggies, salad, peas etc so he is being unreasonable and wierd

@Daisyxo

That is just an unfortunate timing of OP feeling fragile and her partner being an ass.

Or more likely she felt so fragile because he was being an ass.

Also people asking to switch salad to veg or vice versa really aren't considered difficult customers, it's an easy and quick substitution of items not people asking for an entirely different side that doesn't exist.

His ego had an injury.Specifically a narcissistic injury. Sign of things to come. They have a knack of making it seem like your fault too. Take note.

Don’t doubt and downplay your own gut and feelings. That’s what leads to becoming acclimated to it. you get used to it, expect it, let them away with it, and very slowly over time you realise it has gotten way worse over time, and there comes a point you realise you wouldn’t have continued a relationship with him had it been this bad and been clear from the beginning. We can ignore so many red flags in the early days of a relationship.

It’s like being that frog that is boiled in the pot!

If this was reversed and it was a woman saying this to a man I think the responses would be very different and the man would be told they are overreacting

@2Two

I wouldn't necessarily write him off for this one incident. I remember my then boyfriend reducing me to tears when he took me out for a driving lesson. Basically I swore an almighty oath never to have another lesson with him and nothing comparable has happened in the subsequent 30 years that I have been married to him. Nowadays it's a joke, I tell him to fuck off if he tries to be a back seat driver with me, and I warn him to button it when he takes the kids out for lessons.

But in your case, OP, I think you need to have a conversation with him about why this was such a big issue with him and whether he realised quite how horribly he came over.

Great, the OP just needs to swear never to go for a meal with her partner ever again.

Driving lessons are high-stress scenarios. Lots of couples argue etc. if they make the mistake of one trying to teach the other to drive.

Going for a meal on the other hand, should be pretty normal and chilled out.

@Daisyxo I can't think of a single relationship in my life, including my own family that hasn't acted like a knob because they themselves were feeling embarassed/anxious/hurt/neglected over something trivial.

But, there are many posters on here that have been on the truly shitty end of real nasty bastards that have acted like that.

Best advice from anyone is keep an eye on it. Personally I'd dig a little bit deeper with her BF and get it on the table how it made them both feel.

What I also meant by the above, is I don't think this is minimising, but can understand why some would think that.

@Daisyxo

If this was reversed and it was a woman saying this to a man I think the responses would be very different and the man would be told they are overreacting

If a woman posted saying she didn't like that her partner wanted to switch salad for veg, so told them never to do it in front of them again sternly... I would think the woman was an absolute prick with a superiority complex / someone who thinks they can dictate to other adults as if speaking to children being disciplined. It's not a gender thing, it's a being an arsehole to someone thing!

If a woman posted that scenario on here they would be ripped to shreds and told to grow up, that you can't dictate to partners like that and that it's a ridiculous thing to be annoyed about. The 'what if the sexes were reversed' thing isn't a gotcha in this scenario.

@SillyHousewife

fallfallfall - no wild requests. I just asked for veges over salad. As a mum of 4, I haven't been dining out much for the last 20 years but often with steak, they ask you if you want salad or veges so I thought it was a pretty standard question.

I dine out regularly, the only options I have ever been offered with steak is chips or salad. Never vegetables.

The cure here would be to order your own food or stick to the menu.

My DH always has a request with his orders. I have autism and social anxiety. To DH, his requests to get his food the way he wants are benign. To me, they are a gauntlet of stress.

The solution is that I do not order for him. Even if it would be more convenient for me to put in an order, I insist he does it.

I dine out regularly, the only options I have ever been offered with steak is chips or salad. Never vegetables.

She wasn't offered veg, she was requesting a swap of her side to veg.

Most restaurants cook veg as a side.

There is nothing unusual, exceptional, odd, unreasonable etc about it.

The cure here would be to order your own food or stick to the menu.

No, it wouldn't. You don't have to stick strictly to a menu, it's common for people to not do so.

And both people should be able to order unless one has major issues with anxiety, memo etc.

*memory

Op shouldn't have to avoid ever requesting a swap when ordering food in a restaurateur because of her odd ball, temperature tantrumming partner.

Uugh autocorrect

@Daisyxo

If this was reversed and it was a woman saying this to a man I think the responses would be very different and the man would be told they are overreacting

Where do you get that from?

More unfair judgement of women?

If a man said his female partner had dome this, I'd think she was an unreasonable, ridiculous bit has with issues, abd I would he encouraging him tk carefully examine the entire relationship, moving forward.

*unreasonable, ridiculous bitch

Anyone who is willing to get annoyed, thin lipped or visibly pissed off over a trivial matter when eating out needs watching very carefully.

Maybe it's a one off but I've met too many men who like to dominate the mood like this to let it slip completely.

My DP used to pull the victorian headmaster act but I don't allow it any more. He's not my boss and his own emotions are his problem, not mine. Ruining dinners is a red flag in my book.

It's definitely an over reaction, more interesting would be what triggered it. Was it the simple act of having to make the request, or was it the being rejected/spoken patronisingly by the staff?

It's not unreasonable to ask in a restaurant to alter a dish slightly. It's also not unreasonable for them to decline. It may simply be that their kitchen isn't setup to accommodate your request. Also, if you're wanting to switch something, it's generally better to ask for something less complicated - so asking for peas instead of salad rather than an array of mixed vegetables is more likely to be agreeable to them.

If I was in that situation (and my part of the order was straightforward) then I'd have suggested you go to place the order. That just makes more sense than having to go back and forth with him as a middleman.