Should he have gotten mad about this?

[SillyHousewife]

Just trying to get some perspective on this. I was out with my BF of 12 months the other day and we sat down at the yacht club to have dinner. I selected a small steak and chips that came with salad. When he went to the counter to order, I asked if he could check if they could give me veges over salad - I thought this was a pretty standard request. Apparently they said no and that's fine. What wasn't fine was that when he came back, I could tell he was in a bad mood but had no idea why.

I asked what was wrong and he sternly said something like, "You don't change menu items". He waffled a bit saying that it was awkward for him to ask and he told (not asked) me to not ask him to do that again. It's the first time I've seen him cranky with me and I didn't think I did anything wrong. He was unexpectedIy stern and I got upset which ruined my dinner. Because I got teary, I made a mid-dinner escape to the toilet to compose myself - he didn't see me cry but must have known he upset me.

He did apologise a couple of times but it's left a really bad taste in my mouth. I may be over-reacting/over-sensitive but as it's the first time I've seen him mad like that and he made me feel like absolute S$%t over it, I'm not sure if I'm dwelling too much on it or not.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here as I don't believe it was too terrible of me to ask for veges but I guess I'm just wondering if I'm worrying too much about a one-off event or if his behaviour over something so small is a warning of things to come.

Also, if you're wanting to switch something, it's generally better to ask for something less complicated - so asking for peas instead of salad rather than an array of mixed vegetables is more likely to be agreeable to them.

At times on this thread, I really do wonder if people are in some kind of parallel universe with the weirdest restaurants, and customers, imaginable in it.

In the vast vast majority of restaurants in this region, a side dish of veg (3 or more veg) is on the menu. Here it is most commonly carrots, broccoli, parsnips etc. This might differ in eg Italian or Indian restaurants. They are cooking or heating and serving these side dishes of mixed veg or house veg or whatever constantly ...... it would be absolutely no issue to get one as your side dish (if not your default side dish) or as an extra.

Im just .

Thank you everyone for your responses.
It is true that I'm a bit over-sensitive. 2 years out of a 20 year emotionally abusive relationship with a man who suffered from delusional jealousy. And menopause has hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't like people seeing me upset or vulnerable so I took myself away to calm down.
I haven't seen any other unusual behaviour from him though I often find myself cringing a little when hearing him talk to his 12 year old daughter. He tends to bark at her. She has been in a lot of trouble lately, so I guess this could explain that.
We did discuss it again later and I explained that I was caught off guard with his sudden anger. He explained that his last girlfriend always changed things and it drove him mad when people did that as he believes you should only order what is on the menu. He is a rule follower. I am too but I don't consider menus rules. We had an active debate about it because I grew up around my family's restaurants and I said small changes were normal. He told me my experience was outdated because it was 20 years ago. He also said that I apparently often ask for changes. I think I have on three occasions. The other two were both in thai restaurants. I like vegetarian Thai meals but hate tofu. I usually request the meal without tofu. Apparently this is unreasonable too.

We had an active debate about it because I grew up around my family's restaurants and I said small changes were normal. He told me my experience was outdated because it was 20 years ago.
Oh dear god - add mansplaining to his crimes, & hang him!

He also said that I apparently often ask for changes. I think I have on three occasions. The other two were both in thai restaurants. I like vegetarian Thai meals but hate tofu. I usually request the meal without tofu. Apparently this is unreasonable too.
So what?
He simply HAS to be right, doesn't he?
Even when he's ridiculous, & his point is pointless.

I often find myself cringing a little when hearing him talk to his 12 year old daughter. He tends to bark at her.
Yeah, the picture is getting even less pretty.

She has been in a lot of trouble lately, so I guess this could explain that.
"In trouble" because she's done something naughty - or because she's resisting his authority, I wonder?
Even if she's done something naughty, it doesn't excuse barking at a 12 year old. And certainly not a tendency to bark ...

Ugh your update makes him sound like very hard work.

I reserve the right to ask waiters if there can be normal options. I reserve the right to express my preference. It's a meal out that you're paying for, you're not going to Mass in the Vatican!

Oh god. Can you imagine what life would be like with this rigid fucker?!

I have found him to be reasonable the large majority of the time we spend together. His daughter gets into more trouble with her mum and then her dad, my BF, is asked to be consistent her punishment. This usually relates to mobile phone usage as she has been part of silly social media dramas. My bf is the softer parent of the two as she is usually better behaved when with him. She wants to live with him permanently so again, this could be me being over-sensitive.
I think I used the name silly housewife at a time when I felt like I was being one. I will change it to something less silly.

I grew up around my family's restaurants and I said small changes were normal. He told me my experience was outdated because it was 20 years ago.

Oh boll-ocks!

He explained that his last girlfriend always changed things and it drove him mad when people did that as he believes you should only order what is on the menu ..... He also said that I apparently often ask for changes. I think I have on three occasions.

He is an absolute pain in the arse, intolerant, inflexible weirdo.
And he's just told you its his norm/pattern.

@SillyHousewife we’re you previously OMGMyLifeIsCrazy?

I am sorry if I told you you were overreacting but I was just basing this on the information that was available.

I often find myself cringing a little when hearing him talk to his 12 year old daughter. He tends to bark at her.

Another flag.

Would wh his relationship with her Mum broke down..

[quote Daisyxo]@SillyHousewife we’re you previously OMGMyLifeIsCrazy?

I am sorry if I told you you were overreacting but I was just basing this on the information that was available.[/quote]
You shouldn't have told her she was overreacting even based on the information that was available.

Your contributions to this thread have been one mind-boggling statement of minimisation and gas lighting and internalised misogyny after another.

[quote Daisyxo]@SillyHousewife we’re you previously OMGMyLifeIsCrazy?

I am sorry if I told you you were overreacting but I was just basing this on the information that was available.[/quote]
Yes, that was my name but I had to change all my email addresses and couldn't get back into my account.
No need to be sorry. I cry at the drop off a hat these days so I know I overreact. It's been a difficult few years.

I am certainly not misogynistic or trying to gaslight OP. I was just trying to be a reasonable voice to avoid OP making any rash decisions when this seemed like a trivial situation as this can become an echo chamber. As it turns out from her subsequent posts there are quite a lot of other instances which is why I posted agai to support the OP. We are both on the same side

2 years out of a 20 year emotionally abusive relationship with a man who suffered from delusional jealousy.

With respect I'm not sure you should be getting into relationships.

Have you had counselling, done the freedom programmee, read Lundy Bancroft and Don Hennessy etc?

It seems like you're thinking a level 5 abuser is fine because you were previously subject to a level 8 abuser.

He sounds like the a version of the drill sergeant in lundy Bancroft abuser profiles

He is controlling about his partners behaviour, in this example, while eating out .... he's totally unreasonable in what he's being controlling over, abd he's trying to gad light you that he's not, and that you're the one being unreasonable.

He did it to his ex, and now hes doing it to you.

Does he do this to len, to mixed company if he's he's for meals with them? Does he not eat out with family, or work, or any other groups?

He's controlling, unreasonable and unpleasant.

I know you might he offended because I've hated it this people said it to me, but yoyrd actually very vulnerable.

You.dont need someone like this in your life.

@Daisyxo

I am certainly not misogynistic or trying to gaslight OP. I was just trying to be a reasonable voice to avoid OP making any rash decisions when this seemed like a trivial situation as this can become an echo chamber. As it turns out from her subsequent posts there are quite a lot of other instances which is why I posted agai to support the OP. We are both on the same side

I'm not even going to quote your posts posts showing the contrary; i can't even be bothered.

It's been a difficult few years.

Being verbally attacked and dealing with anger for asking for something normal and harmless while on what should have been a lovely meal out at the YC .... is not much better.

I cry at the drop off a hat these days so I know I overreact. It's been a difficult few years.

You didn't overreact.

You happened to react with tears.

I probably would have reacted with anger, abd possibly left.

Both of us would have have entirely justified in our reaction though. Neither would have been an overreaction.

@SillyHousewife please don't fall into the 'I over react'. Yours feelings are your feelings. My ea exh was always telling me I'm too sensitive and other twaddle x

I've been told by restaurant staff that they really hate it when people try to go off-menu. I am ex restuarant staff, ex cafe 'owner' ad nope. It's all part of serving people food. Lots of changes get made all the time!

The only place you probably couldn't would be those 5star places where the meal is what it is - think Heston etc.

Focusing on him being reasonable the (apparent) majority of the time, if he's being repeatedly unreasonable at other times, like when you should be having a nice, relaxed meal put somewhere (did other people hear this btw, its hard to.imahjne them.not over hearing it and not seeing you look upset, teary and going to the toilets in that state? They'd naturally come to the conclusion he's an abuser) is kind of a fallacy.

You poor thing. An argumentative and grumpy man with a tendency to bark orders at women and children is the LAST person you should be dating after what you went through before.

His mask has slipped and you're starting to see him in a more realistic way eg this incident, the way he speaks to a 12 year old girl.

When you are ready to date again, I hope you can find a man who is gentle and kind and calm. A man who isn't will be triggering and have you walking on eggshells like you've done for so many years.

It's your time now to walk away from unhealthy people and build yourself up again

I had a relationship with a man whose behaviour was reasonable most of the time, except when I socialised separately from him.

This only happened once a month or so, abd sometimes he kept a lid on his behaviour so the outbursts weren't every month.

However ge never stopped and he never changed, and the anticipation of his reaction to a simple plan to socialise separately was always there, the expectation of the next outburst wax always there, the stress of knowing he was in the wrong but thought he was in the right, the stress of debating the point over and over..... abd after the 7th (?) outburst, I realised that even if he was reasonable about most other stuff, it dudbtvaxtyally matter, because he couldn't be reasonable about that and my choices were to submit to his unreasonable behaviour for "peace" or to be subjected to apprehension, stress, conflict on an ongoing basic over this subject.

I don't have to do that in other relationships, so why should i have?

You can meet someone too - who doesnt try to control and bully what people what in restaurants and gas light then about him being right

Also willing to bet this kind of crazy is not isolated.

OP I do sympathise with you. I am having some troubles with my wife so I know it is not easy sometimes and the small things can seem like a big deal x

Say you never eat out with him again (utterly ridiculous in a relationship but anyway ..) to avoid his "issue"; do you believe this "crazy" won't leak out in other ways?

I find it hard to believe.