Should he have gotten mad about this?

[SillyHousewife]

Just trying to get some perspective on this. I was out with my BF of 12 months the other day and we sat down at the yacht club to have dinner. I selected a small steak and chips that came with salad. When he went to the counter to order, I asked if he could check if they could give me veges over salad - I thought this was a pretty standard request. Apparently they said no and that's fine. What wasn't fine was that when he came back, I could tell he was in a bad mood but had no idea why.

I asked what was wrong and he sternly said something like, "You don't change menu items". He waffled a bit saying that it was awkward for him to ask and he told (not asked) me to not ask him to do that again. It's the first time I've seen him cranky with me and I didn't think I did anything wrong. He was unexpectedIy stern and I got upset which ruined my dinner. Because I got teary, I made a mid-dinner escape to the toilet to compose myself - he didn't see me cry but must have known he upset me.

He did apologise a couple of times but it's left a really bad taste in my mouth. I may be over-reacting/over-sensitive but as it's the first time I've seen him mad like that and he made me feel like absolute S$%t over it, I'm not sure if I'm dwelling too much on it or not.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here as I don't believe it was too terrible of me to ask for veges but I guess I'm just wondering if I'm worrying too much about a one-off event or if his behaviour over something so small is a warning of things to come.

I went out with a bloke like this and one incident really stuck in my mind. We went to a tapas restaurant (really not an important part of the story) and stood inside the door waiting to be seated. The waiter came over and over said 'any preference where you sit we have lots of tables' to which I replied 'not by the door please it's a bit chilly' - the waiter promptly sat us against the back wall of the restaurant away from the door - perfectly fine IMO.
My date really shamed me about this and accused me of being rude to the waiter. He implied you are supposed to say 'I don't mind where we sit' and any preference is really rude.

I've told this story a dozen times since and no one thinks I was rude.

I've come to think it was an purposeful dog at me by this bloke and a subtle manipulation technique. The account in the op really reminds me of it.

It's all a bit gaslighty isn't it.

And asking to tweak orders in restaurants is a totally normal thing to do and they don't mind. A lovely waiter made up a whole new dish for me the other day when I was dithering based on what I was craving. He was completely lovely about it.

@fallfallfall

Did you want raw veggies ie carrot sticks, celery, cucumber on the side or steamed veggies or spuds? He’s unpleasant but I hate when people order off the imaginary menu and put the onus on me to deal with it.

Most restaurants serve veg as a side. They are cooking them/heating them up constantly. It's nothing remotely out of the ordinary or imaginary to ask if you could have a portion instead of eg salad/some other side.

Op; your bf is fucking weird.

That's unpleasant and totally unnecessary.

Yes, I'd be watching v carefully for any further weirdness and totally unnecessary unoleasantness.

At best, your BF has social anxiety, is a rigid sticker to rules, and struggles to ask for anything off piste.
At worst- he’s an abusive shit. Only time will tell.

This.

He made what should have been a no e dinner out, tense and unpleasant abd stressful over the minutest, most unimportant, normal thing ever.

A year is still actually quite early days in a relationship, its when real behaviour as opposed to good behaviour shows.

Are you usually agreeable with him?

I'd push back or disagree with him on a few more small things to see if he's easily set off.

I've come to think it was an purposeful dog at me by this bloke and a subtle manipulation technique.

Another example of something reasonable/harmless (you were actually asked if you had a table preference (!) and everyone knows doors (unless they have a draught lobby) can be draughty - and even just distracting/not particularly relaxing to be near then if people are pretty regularly going in and out them, then thersd the smoking (if there is any); you tend to get a delightful blast of ciggie smoke every time you're near them too) .....antway I actually think this behaviour might be underpinned by a "woman shouldn't be assertive or "demanding" or "spoilt", actually quote chauvinist/misogynistic thing. Especially because it's in public.. Could be wrong wrong..

It slowly just a general irritability and intolerance that doesn't make them.goos relationship material.

*It's also just a general irritability and intolerance that doesn't make them good relationship material.

Omg YABU. I don’t think you should worry about it too much or try to look into it too deeply if it was a one-off incident. Perhaps he just had a bad day and the restaurant staff were shitty with him? I think it’s crazy that people are suggesting he is a dominating abusive man just from this incident when they have no other information. Don’t let it get you down OP.

@Daisyxo

Omg YABU. I don’t think you should worry about it too much or try to look into it too deeply if it was a one-off incident. Perhaps he just had a bad day and the restaurant staff were shitty with him? I think it’s crazy that people are suggesting he is a dominating abusive man just from this incident when they have no other information. Don’t let it get you down OP.

*I could tell he was in a bad mood but had no idea why.

I asked what was wrong and he sternly said something like, "You don't change menu items". He waffled a bit saying that it was awkward for him to ask and he told (not asked) me to not ask him to do that again.*

Yeah, she's being unreasonable ...... .

Fk, you must have low relationship standards.

Op got upset and said nothing; I'd have told him in no uncertain terms that he was being utterly fkg ridiculous and would possibly have left.

I've been told by restaurant staff that they really hate it when people try to go off-menu. Can't remember the details but it's to do with precise amounts of stock, I think - everything is offered as it is for a good reason as margins are tight in that business.

Both of you seem to have overreacted though. I wouldn't pull up a partner on it if the restaurant staff hadn't made a big deal out of it.

But also, he "got a bit stern and then apologised multiple times" isn't behaviour that would have me running off to sob in the loos either. Tell him not to be so pompous and move on.

At best thus nan can't ask for one small change to a side dish when ordering without becoming so flustered, stressed and angry that he comes back to op in a mood, orders her to never ask him to do that again, and affects the mood of what should have been a nice dinner...... he has some serious fkg issue, I'm not a professional and couldn't, with certainty, say what.

I've been told by restaurant staff that they really hate it when people try to go off-menu.

She wasn't going off menu if veg was a side dish anywhere on that menu- which I would be in 99% of restaurants.

@gannett - yes this!

There is no need to overreact! It is a silly incident and you’re probably both in the wrong slightly. Just forget about it and move on! Don’t question your whole relationship because of this small incident.

@gannett

I've been told by restaurant staff that they really hate it when people try to go off-menu. Can't remember the details but it's to do with precise amounts of stock, I think - everything is offered as it is for a good reason as margins are tight in that business.

Both of you seem to have overreacted though. I wouldn't pull up a partner on it if the restaurant staff hadn't made a big deal out of it.

But also, he "got a bit stern and then apologised multiple times" isn't behaviour that would have me running off to sob in the loos either. Tell him not to be so pompous and move on.

I've never worked in a kitchen where stock is that closely controlled except in residential care/hospitals where meals are ordered in advance and the exact amount is cooked. If you're serving food and there are options someone will ask for a swap/substitute/removal/extra something, I refuse to believe that the staff were in any way put out by the request if the request was actually made. It's unusual that the request was refused tbh unless it was at the end of service.

I think he didn't want to ask so lied to you but that's his issue, not yours.

Ask him why he feels socially anxious about asking to swap a menu item out in a restaurant. Don't accept the answer "you just don't".

I feel awkward about asking for changes and complaining in social circumstances due to things that happened with my Dad when I was a lot younger. It makes me quite anxious, although I can totally breeze past it now, as I realise what's going on.

It's obviously a bad reaction, and I'd be weary of someone that reacts like this, and would not accept it, especially if it was going to be a frequent occurrence.

and you’re probably both in the wrong slightly.

No, she's not in the wrong.

She didn't ask.for anything unreasonable/abnormal. She didn't deserve his anger, she shouldn't have been told never to ask him to do something like that again; that's unreasonable... and her behaviour was she actually tried to hide her discomfort and upset instead of challenging him/making a scene.

Shes not in the wrong too.

I've never worked in a kitchen where stock is that closely controlled except in residential care/hospitals where meals are ordered in advance and the exact amount is cooked.
If you're serving food and there are options someone will ask for a swap/substitute/removal/extra something, I refuse to believe that the staff were in any way put out by the request if the request was actually made. It's unusual that the request was refused tbh unless it was at the end of service.

Same.

I.dint know if some posters on here live in bizarre black hole parallel universes where something like this would be an issue for restaurant staff; I have never ever once seen it to be anywhere I've eaten, it's a non issue.

The only thing would be if they were running out of something, which they'd say.

His reaction seems a bit extreme to me and I would be on full alert for future concerning behaviour. As has alreadybeen suggested, trying to gently bring it up when things are calmer to try and understand what happened may be helpful to see whether there is something in his past that has triggered this reaction. If there isnt anything or he snaps at you again when you try to discuss it I would be wondering how this is going to develop in the future as it does seem like you were being ‘put in your place’ by him a fairly common request that restaurants get all the time. I would wonder what elsehe is going to get cross with you for and when you will start to feel you are treading on eggshells. Hopefully, he has an explanation for what happened that reassures you but watch out for repeat behaviour in future!

@SleepingBunnies21 so if anyone does anything slightly wrong in a relationship or even upsets the other person slightly in one incident then they should probably bin off the whole incident as he is probably an abusive shit?!

I just don’t want her to potentially throw away what could be a great relationship because people on mumsnet got carried away over what was one single small incident

@Daisyxo we're on Mumsnet where LTB is the mantra. Hopefully most posters take it all with a pinch of salt.

@BasicDad I didn’t realise how bad it was. I am just trying to make sure that she does take it with a pinch of salt and doesn’t overreact or make any decisions based on this thread.

He's either got some weird issue with communication/remembering changes/variations abd it makes him flustered & stressed and angry, or he encountered a maitre d/wait staff who was brusque/irritable/something something that and was unable to walk away like an adult thinking "bit of an attitude, might complain, might give this place a miss in future or whstever".

He came back and has some kind of little tantrum with op instead; he sounds very very immature, or like he has ishoos.

[quote Daisyxo]@SleepingBunnies21 so if anyone does anything slightly wrong in a relationship or even upsets the other person slightly in one incident then they should probably bin off the whole incident as he is probably an abusive shit?!

I just don’t want her to potentially throw away what could be a great relationship because people on mumsnet got carried away over what was one single small incident[/quote]
Read my previous posts.

I said I'd keep a very careful, close eye on his behaviour from now on.

You only thoroughly start to get to know someone after a year or so.

It just sounds like someone at the front was bitchy with him and told him off for asking for the order adjustment and so he came back, embarrassed, and too it out on you.

Might be nothing. Just be on your guard for similar behaviour just incase.

just don’t want her to potentially throw away what could be a great relationship

You haven't got a clue whether this is or could be a great relationship; neither do I.

All we know is op's just had what should have been a nice dinner out ruined by his unreasonable behaviour.

I'm equally concerned about op ending up the eggshells walking, boiled frog rater than the "potentially great relationship" (especially since she responds to unreasonable behaviour by getting upset in the toilets and not saying anything) so forgive me if I don't join in with the gas lighting and minimization that a few posters have done on this thread.