Should he have gotten mad about this?

[SillyHousewife]

Just trying to get some perspective on this. I was out with my BF of 12 months the other day and we sat down at the yacht club to have dinner. I selected a small steak and chips that came with salad. When he went to the counter to order, I asked if he could check if they could give me veges over salad - I thought this was a pretty standard request. Apparently they said no and that's fine. What wasn't fine was that when he came back, I could tell he was in a bad mood but had no idea why.

I asked what was wrong and he sternly said something like, "You don't change menu items". He waffled a bit saying that it was awkward for him to ask and he told (not asked) me to not ask him to do that again. It's the first time I've seen him cranky with me and I didn't think I did anything wrong. He was unexpectedIy stern and I got upset which ruined my dinner. Because I got teary, I made a mid-dinner escape to the toilet to compose myself - he didn't see me cry but must have known he upset me.

He did apologise a couple of times but it's left a really bad taste in my mouth. I may be over-reacting/over-sensitive but as it's the first time I've seen him mad like that and he made me feel like absolute S$%t over it, I'm not sure if I'm dwelling too much on it or not.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here as I don't believe it was too terrible of me to ask for veges but I guess I'm just wondering if I'm worrying too much about a one-off event or if his behaviour over something so small is a warning of things to come.

[quote Daisyxo]@gannett - yes this!

There is no need to overreact! It is a silly incident and you’re probably both in the wrong slightly. Just forget about it and move on! Don’t question your whole relationship because of this small incident.[/quote]
I must be a bit thick Daisy - as I cannot see where the OP is "in the wrong" here. even slightly. Can you help me, & explain?

Im equally thick in this regard.

I have sympathy for OP as it ruined a meal because her partner or the restaurant staff ( we don’t know very much at all about the incident) we’re in a bad mood. But that is literally it. There is no need to blow it up or expand on it. Just move on.

The reason I said OP may be in the wrong is because she probably did over react slightly by crying about it. Whereas if she had just said oh well and moved on they might have been able to enjoy the rest of the evening

Must be too thick to see all the ltb's Daisy and basic dad say posters are saying in this thread too, that op needs to "take with a pinch of salt"

It just sounds like someone at the front was bitchy with him and told him off for asking for the order adjustment and so he came back, embarrassed, and too it out on you.

So rather than being confident and assertive in making a reasonable request, he choose to kick down at the OP? What a catch.

@SleepingBunnies21

just don’t want her to potentially throw away what could be a great relationship

You haven't got a clue whether this is or could be a great relationship; neither do I.

All we know is op's just had what should have been a nice dinner out ruined by his unreasonable behaviour.

I'm equally concerned about op ending up the eggshells walking, boiled frog rater than the "potentially great relationship" (especially since she responds to unreasonable behaviour by getting upset in the toilets and not saying anything) so forgive me if I don't join in with the gas lighting and minimization that a few posters have done on this thread.

Yup.

The minimisers are skating past the fact that this petulant brat of a b/f, who is too immature to cope with staff in a restaurant, told OP off like a disobedient child, & ordered her to never "do that to him again".

That assumption that he is entitled to scold another adult (for nothing, remember!) & the self-referential language is worrying.
OP didn't "do" anything to him.
She asked for some veg, he couldn't cope, got angry, & spoke harshly enough that she had to hide in the loo to cry.

Serious over-reaction, & not so very far removed from the classic "now look what you made me do."

OP - have you ever disagreed with him before? How does he usually manage his more negative emotions?
And ... I mean this gently, but are you quite a sensitive & meek personality, to have been made to cry instead of telling him to simmer down & stop being ridiculous?
Or is it worse than that - he is often stern, so you have developed a fear of displeasing him?

The reason I said OP may be in the wrong is because she probably did over react slightly by crying about it. Whereas if she had just said oh well and moved on they might have been able to enjoy the rest of the evening

So it was her reaction to him being nasty that was the problem here? She should just accept being his (metaphorical) punchbag and all will be well?

This is silly and all a bit of a storm in a teacup. Youve been together for a year and so far so good. You go out, theres a silly incident over asking for veg instead of salad, hes irritated and responds badly, you over react and get all tearful and go off to the loo (were you expecting him to follow to apologise and make it right?), hes apologised several times but youre still brooding over it and now posting to the internet where a whole lot of people are equally over reacting and seeing red flags everywhere....its all a bit much. People can be assholes without reason and its part of being human, we all do it all the time. Let it go, at this point he may well be telling all his mates that youre being a drip and hes startign to feel put upon by this stupid incident where he behaved like a tosser for a minute but now youre dragging it out for days. Its a minor thing. Just take a deep breath and get on with it. Obviously if it becomes a pattern of behaviour where he treats you in a way you dont like, thats a different kettle of fish, but for now all of this is a bit of an over reaction.

@Daisyxo

I have sympathy for OP as it ruined a meal because her partner or the restaurant staff ( we don’t know very much at all about the incident) we’re in a bad mood. But that is literally it. There is no need to blow it up or expand on it. Just move on.

The reason I said OP may be in the wrong is because she probably did over react slightly by crying about it. Whereas if she had just said oh well and moved on they might have been able to enjoy the rest of the evening

The restaurant staff being in a bad mood (if they were) didnt ruin ops meal, her bfs behaviour did.

If a staff member was actually rude, brusque or awkward with him over a small side dish swap; there there a few reasonable responses to that, none of which include his behaviour to op.

She did not cry in front of him, she went awy and tried to g
Hide it. And you don't get to dictate what ops natural response to.strss, unpleasantness, tension and antagonism is .... if she gets teary, she's gets teary. That is not "wrong". She did nothing wrong.

Seriously, your minimising, illogical, gas lighting presence on.his thread is becoming quite the irritant.

If you've been together for 12 months with no problems then I can't imagine he has suddenly decided to reveal another side to his personality with this (seemingly small) incident.
Have you not been to a restaurant with him before now and wanted to tweak your order? Yes it's fine to ask for something off-menu, but also some people find that really awkward, because of past embarrassment or because of lack of confidence in that public situation.
He was obviously uncomfortable about it. Did you ask him why? I would imagine his 'being stern' was because he felt embarrassed and/or uncomfortable.
If your response to that was to leave the meal to cry, and then come back without bringing it up, I think you must have your own issues too.
If someone was stern with me I'd speak up, 'why are you annoyed about this/why are you speaking to me like this/why are you suggesting I've done something wrong/etc.'
It doesn't sound like the two of you communicate very well after a whole year together.

@Daisyxo

I have sympathy for OP as it ruined a meal because her partner or the restaurant staff ( we don’t know very much at all about the incident) we’re in a bad mood. But that is literally it. There is no need to blow it up or expand on it. Just move on.

The reason I said OP may be in the wrong is because she probably did over react slightly by crying about it. Whereas if she had just said oh well and moved on they might have been able to enjoy the rest of the evening

Oh NOW I understand!

It's all fine so long as we victim-blame OP for having a a difficult emotion, & sensibly taking it somewhere private to manage.

You can do that it you like Daisy.
I won't join you, because that reasoning is the same used by abusers everywhere. "If you weren't so sensitive, there would never be a problem" & other DARVO bullshit.

antway I actually think this behaviour might be underpinned by a "woman shouldn't be assertive or "demanding" or "spoilt", actually quote chauvinist/misogynistic thing. Especially because it's in public.. Could be wrong wrong..

It was exactly that in my opinion - both with the bloke I was with and in the op.

I realise now this kind of crap from men is quite common but is not yet experienced it myself until that day in 2013!

I've never had a request turned down to tweak an order in a restaurant though sometimes they state it will increase the price which is fair enough if you want to swap chips for caviar 😂

Also I worked in various restaurants over the years and never saw any irritation from staff about requests from customers. This nonsense about precise stock orders is rubbish. You can even go off menu in McDonald's ffs

Good grief he sounds like an idiot to get cross over such a simple request, as PP says maybe he had a bad day, but a simple ‘no’ would have done

I wouldn't necessarily write him off for this one incident. I remember my then boyfriend reducing me to tears when he took me out for a driving lesson. Basically I swore an almighty oath never to have another lesson with him and nothing comparable has happened in the subsequent 30 years that I have been married to him. Nowadays it's a joke, I tell him to fuck off if he tries to be a back seat driver with me, and I warn him to button it when he takes the kids out for lessons.

But in your case, OP, I think you need to have a conversation with him about why this was such a big issue with him and whether he realised quite how horribly he came over.

Whereas if she had just said oh well and moved on they might have been able to enjoy the rest of the evening

Yeah, because ignoring someone hurting your feelings & being an unreasonable bully is always the way to manage a healthy relationship ... just pretend it didn't happen!

Imagine the horror of the alternative - you might "potentially throw away what could be a great relationship!" Far better to be controlled by a petulant twat, & shut up about it, than risk being single, huh?

*The minimisers are skating past the fact that this petulant brat of a b/f, who is too immature to cope with staff in a restaurant, told OP off like a disobedient child, & ordered her to never "do that to him again".

That assumption that he is entitled to scold another adult (for nothing, remember!) & the self-referential language is worrying.
OP didn't "do" anything to him.
She asked for some veg, he couldn't cope, got angry, & spoke harshly enough that she had to hide in the loo to cry.*

Thank you for this articulate summary, much better than I've managed. And totally on point.

@ChargingBuck it’s difficult to minimise an incident when it is already very tiny!

If this was a constant pattern of behaviour then I might be concerned but OP hasn’t said that.

So your partner if you have one is in a perfect mood all the time and has never once been a bit of an arsehole or git shifty with you because they were in a bad mood? God he is a human and these things happen. As @Lobelia123 said just move on. If you continue to dwell on it then it might actually become a real issue

If you've been together for 12 months with no problems .... .

I wonder.

I wonder if he has had experience working in the restaurant trade and this was something that wound him up, bit of a sore point perhaps?

If you've been together for 12 months with no problems then I can't imagine he has suddenly decided to reveal another side to his personality with this (seemingly small) incident.

I disagree. This is exactly how it starts - read Lundy Bancroft.

It doesn't sound like the two of you communicate very well after a whole year together.

But you are spot-on with this!
I'm interested in why OP felt so overwhelmed - context is everything. Did the b/f speak excessively harshly, or was it because this was a bolt from the blue from an otherwise kindly man ... or is he more often disapproving/withholding like this than she has mentioned?

I'd be keeping a very firm eye on his assumptions & attitudes over the next few months. Saying no, offering different opinions, polite challenges to his expectations. If he responds reasonably, all is well. If he cannot handle having his tiny boat gently rocked ... I'd fuck him off. Life is too short to deal with a prima donna who cannot handle adulting, like speaking to others with basic courtesy.

It was exactly that in my opinion - both with the bloke I was with and in the op.

Im inclined to think it was with the poster who got slated for requesting a table far from the door; with this guy, I don't know. Initially Initially thought maybe, now I think he either can't handle simple variations or the staff were off about it ..... he got v angry and came back and took it out on op.

No idea if there any chauvanism behind it as well in this case.

"You don't change menu items"

Who said? Most people do it frequently? It does not cause spontaneous combustion.

A normal reaction would have been to tell him that there’s nothing wrong with it and to get over, not ho to toilet and cry.

@summersolstice43

I wonder if he has had experience working in the restaurant trade and this was something that wound him up, bit of a sore point perhaps?

Then he would have said that when she asked, not had a tantrum after he went to order.

@ChargingBuck it’s difficult to minimise an incident when it is already very tiny!
OK @Daisyxo

Let's go out for dinner.
I will randomly kick off about something so insignificant you feel totally sideswiped & as I then decide to berate you & tell you "You just don't DO that! Never do that insignificant thing to me again!" you get wobbly & have a little weep.

That would feel tiny to you, would it?

@HoppingPavlova

"You don't change menu items"

Who said? Most people do it frequently? It does not cause spontaneous combustion.

A normal reaction would have been to tell him that there’s nothing wrong with it and to get over, not ho to toilet and cry.

Though I don't agree with absenting yourself and getting teary. If that's ops reaction, that's her reaction. She's entitled to it.

I probably would have argued and maybe walked, or ate the meal (if hungry) and then tore him new arsenal outside; im entitled to that reaction too. We're all different.