Have i just been an idiot and destroyed things?

[abersterol]

A year ago today I met the man I am currently with. He’s 39, I was 35 last week. When we met I was very clear I wanted to settle down and have a family. He said the same. He has a job that means he works 7am to usually half 8 (this is relevant I think).

In short, we’ve had brief sex twice, both times for about two minutes and then he stops. We’ve had other intimacy, he goes down on me and I on him, he’s hard when we kiss and he’s into cuddling and is quite affectionate that way. I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant to have proper full sex (we’ve done it twice and the last time was in may). I’ve asked him literally everything I could think of, gone through all the possible anxieties, worries or concerns he may have from sti to performance and everything in between. I’ve sat and held his hand and said whatever the issue is I’m here to work through it with him. I’ve also asked outright if he just doesn’t like sex. His answer is always the same: he wants sex, he wants that with me, he doesn’t have a reason why we haven’t developed that side to the relationship and he can’t promise me when we will do it but he knows he wants to at some point. So what happens is I leave it, a week or two, then obviously we do other things and he ejaculates with a blow job and things carry on, but I start feeling upset about the fact there’s no progress with sex and no answer as to why we are no doing it. He recently told me the last time he did have sex was 7 years ago. He’s not had a relationship for a long time and the longest has been much shorter than ours at a few weeks/months. I wondered if he was worried about performance but I’ve asked sensitively about that too and he says not.

That’s issue one.

Issue two is that since June I’ve been trying to book a short break from Saturday to Monday, to go away for a long weekend together. He’s not keen on taking time off/started a new job recently so said he doesn’t know if he can etc. I’ve said it’s just one day of annual leave. He’s said he can’t go abroad or go far as he just doesn’t want to do that right now with work. I’m not exactly sure why as his colleagues go away and they’re in the same role but he seems to find it all stressful. Eventually he agreed to ask to take a Monday off in October and so I booked somewhere an hour away, just for a change of scenery. It turns out he didn’t ask work/couldn’t take it off in the end. He’s not suggested another weekend or even said let’s just have a night away on a Saturday instead which I would have thought was a compromise. I know this is a bit of a first world problem and if the relationship is good then maybe I should stop complaining about something like this, but I guess it had upset me he didn’t want to find any extra time to share together. Again with this I was very patient, he said he did want to go away but didn’t know when etc etc. So I emailed him some dates and hotels and asked which he liked. He said he liked one of them and so I said I would provisionally book. Then he makes zero steps to organise it with his work or suggest an alternative. It makes me feel a bit messed around.

All this came to a head a few nights ago. We’d had a nice meal and come home and were watching a film, kissing etc. I suggested sex and he just stopped and shook his head. I asked why and he shook his head and didn’t answer. I got really upset. Said we’d had a nice night, if you want sex like you’ve said then why aren’t you doing that… it escalated.

I said it wasn’t normal to say you want sex and then not do it. I said he was weird for not wanting to go away together and do something nice and that most normal people in an adult relationship would appreciate me taking time to fit in with them and find somewhere nice to go for a two night break once in a year. I said he was selfish for not listening to me or compromising, said he was making me miserable and why couldn’t he at least understand that as a couple he should be honest and if he wants us to be together he needs to understand that you have to compromise. I said it was obvious why he had never had a relationship before. I said he was a bastard for playing games (no idea if he is but it felt that way). I asked him if he just wanted to break up because I couldn’t understand why he would treat me this way. I also raised the fact that in summer he would only see me briefly on a Sunday night for a few weeks and wouldn’t go for a meal or do anything as he had an interview coming up. It was a huge interview to be fair to him but I found it all a bit odd and extreme and said it was hurtful at the time.

He got upset and then defensive, said he does compromise to be with me because he spends all his free time with me outside work …that is mostly true he does but I said that’s not compromising, that’s just having the relationship. He said he would usually work later than he does it it wasn’t for me, so therefore it was a compromise

It ended with him saying I clearly thought he was inadequate and therefore he couldn’t meet my needs and I had been horrible to him and that changed how he felt now.

We had some breathing space and reconvened when calmed down but even then he was reluctant to actually talk about things rationally. He didn’t say much and I still have no idea when he wants sex other than he told me that the last two weeks he was too tired after work. He didn’t explain the last 11 months though.

Aside from these things we have had a lovely relationship. I do love him. He’s said the same to me. We’ve had some lovely times and I honestly thought he was the person I would be with.

Have I ruined it this by flying off the handle and saying horrible things in anger? I feel terrible and he is saying he questions the whole relationship after how I snapped. I am conflicted because I know I have been so patient and loving and kind in the past about these things. I’ve told him i support him and there’s no pressure and I’ve generally tried to be lighthearted about trips away and sex but obviously have mentioned it intermittently as time has gone on. He’s a nice person but his reaction to my outburst seems to be to ignore why it happened and to have a reason to withdraw further rather than sitting down together and having a chat about how we can work on things. Have i messed this all up? I also feel desperately sad at the thought of starting again at this age. It scares me. I probably sound pathetic here but IRL I have a good job and I’m usually quite together and positive :(

@abersterol

"If I am honest I am scared to end it because being in my lonely house in winter, lots of lonely nights, nobody to cook with or watch a series with etc etc. That might seem pathetic to some, but unless you’ve lived it, it’s hard to describe the loneliness."

I absolutely do, I've spent last year's lock down and this year's lock down isolated and alone, and it's been horrible! So, I do understand. I did decide however to make a change in my life (long term focus) and start in the journey of solo motherhood (currently pregnant via IVF and a sperm donor) as I couldn't/didn't want to face dating/the disappointment/the anxiety of will it or won't it work out/where is this going etc. So exhausting. I'm finally free of the dating treadmill...of course you deserve happiness/love/care but this man isn't meeting your needs (current or future).

You didn't wreck anything because if you reread what you wrote there really isn't much there to wreck. If you truly want to find a partner and have a family you need to chuck him now. Nothing is going to change. He is saying his feelings have changed because it then made you feel you did something wrong by speaking your truth. Move on. What a mess. You deserve better.

I think you need to reframe things here 'if I hadn't had said anything I would still be with this man, wasting my fertile years in a dead end relationship'

He’s just not that into you.

Dump him and run. He either has a wife and family he's hiding from you, or he's seriously fucked up in the commitment stakes.

Thanks for the replies.

It is reassuring to know others would be frustrated and confused too. I felt like my patience and ability to understand had been stretched to the limit and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Well , he’s lying to you, says he wants sex but quite clearly doesn’t , says he wants a family but he needs to have sex to have one , says he’s wants to go away with you but doesn’t book time off .
You can do so much better than this .

I'm single, I've been single for a few years now and I get the loneliness but you've been together for a YEAR without sex. You want it, yes maybe not all the time and that's normal, but you want the connection and you want to have children at some point so move on to find someone who can give you those things. It's about the lesser evil I guess- temporary loneliness vs wasting more time on someone who in the end it won't work with anyway.

I am angry with myself for snapping. I said all these things in a really nasty way. I just feel exhausted and now he’s distant and cold I am second guessing myself and thinking it’s all on me.

It isn't all on you, it's on him. You've done your very best over a long time, been patient, but he always does the same thing - says he wants what you want but not just yet. So you leave the discussion believing that it will happen sometime, until it's been too long for you and the discussion happens again and not just yet. It will never be 'yet'. he's just fobbing you off to get you to shut up about it.

You may have said what you did in anger and yes, you could have put it more gently. But another not-just-yet tipped you over the edge. The key thing is that nothing you said was untrue. You didn't invent things to hurt him, you weren't being nasty in that sense. You didn't attack him as a person, you addressed his behaviours and how they affect you - something that he doesn't seem to care about.

You thought/hoped he was The One. His behaviour tells you that he doesn't feel the same. Any future with him would be entirely on his terms. Let him go.

@abersterol

I think I’m just exhausted. I really thought I had found someone good when I met him.

Day to day things with him are so easy and nice, happy and fun. He just seems to put big blockers in the way all the time.

I don’t think I ask for much, really. I’d love to go abroad with someone but would have happily done that with my friends and setted for low key trips with him, if he at least wanted to compromise and engage in some way. When I’ve said this to him he says he compromises by spending time with me that he used to spend doing work (ie on a Saturday, for instance).

The hardest part of all of it, though, is the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to talk and be open and reach solutions or a way forward. Even when I’ve been so incredibly patient and said I was here for him and wanted to work on whatever it was because I loved him. He just goes quiet and says he is listening and that he wants all these things but isn’t sure when he can do them.

If I am honest I am scared to end it because being in my lonely house in winter, lots of lonely nights, nobody to cook with or watch a series with etc etc. That might seem pathetic to some, but unless you’ve lived it, it’s hard to describe the loneliness.

I know this relationship isn’t going anywhere. I’m just dreading being alone again. It’s been so nice having company each night and someone to hold in bed and wake up with. I know what I have isn’t enough and I should be stronger. I’m just disappointed and sad.

As long as you are honest with yourself that this behavior will never change and that you will be wasting whatever time you have left to have children on this craziness then more power to you.

I don't see this relationship progressing any further and given you are already frustrated and upset I can only see it getting worse.

My thoughts are:

• Has he another relationship?
• If he is a workaholic this won't change
• is he really committed to you or just wanting company
• if he can't open up to you after a year I can't see it changing now
• is the not wanting sex because he is worried you will get pregnant? But tbh the relationship is not at that level yet anyway

You want different things from this relationship.

Is he religious at all or been brought up in a religious household. Ie. No sex before marriage. Even though he may not believe, sometimes you can get ‘Catholic(or other religion) guilt’. Maybe the same applies with going away. Ie. It’s a sin.

The living about booking time of is significant. He lied to you, for what ever reason.

After a year, things should have changed. In the good ‘ol days, you saved yourself until you were sure of that person. It was the next stage of a relationship.

Sorry, but I think you should cut your losses.

I had one like this op, I was only 17, lasted 2 years and still effects me to this day. He ruined my self esteem. Never wanted sex but would never discuss why, I was young and naive. I found out years later he had a fear of getting anyone pregnant so wouldn’t have sex, instead he’d wank before coming to bed (not telling me any of this, would just lie next to me ignoring me).

I shudder now, 25 years later, thinking about it. Whatever his reasons, they don’t matter. You and your self esteem matter. Get rid.

It's not you, it's him. His issues are not yours to resolve.

You want things in your relationship, he cannot or will not (distinction is irrelevant) provide them. Trying to understand why he can't or won't is not your issue.

So there is no point in continuing. Bluntly,you are not at an age where you can continue faffing with blokes like this if you want children. You must prioritise your own goals and priorities.

And honestly I think men like him are shits for letting women waste their fertile years on them.

@abersterol

I don’t have a big sex drive. I just wanted to share that moment with him from time to time. That was enough for me. It’s the total absence of it that I find hard and sad. And the confusion when he says ‘I do want that, I just can’t tell you when.’ What am I supposed to make of that? I’ve been so so patient and understanding. In summer he didn’t want sex apparently because he was focusing on his interview. I accepted that and left it entirely for a few weeks. I’ve been respectful. I’ve asked if he’s asexual. He said he isn’t and also is very happy to do other things.

As for the trips away, I’ve been understanding there too. Said I would try and accommodate a date that suited him if he wanted to check with work first, then I would check mine. I said let’s go somewhere an hour away so it’s not too much time out of his day/weekend. He says he would love to and loves the idea but he doesn’t know when he can do that so can’t commit to it. It’s so confusing.

I feel bad as in the argument when I snapped I said all sorts, I think I said his dad and brother weren’t a good example to him as they never leave the house and that’s not normal. I said please get help, told him he needs help and that it’s obvious to me now why he’s never had a relationship. I said he was ruining my weekends by behaving like this. I was cruel and now he’s cold and distant with me because of it.

I’ve been kind to him and supported him wit work etc. I just don’t understand it.

Ah OP, why do you think being kind and understanding will change someone? Do you think you've been put on this earth to be patient, understanding and resolve a 40 year old man's deep emotional issues?

I understand loneliness. I have been single for years, lived alone, the added burden of not having family in the country. However, the situation you describe is infinitely worse than spending cold nights alone because this is also destroying your self esteem and leaving you more unfulfilled. At least when alone you have the HOPE you may meet someone. Now you have none. This is it, this crappy, empty, half arsed relationship with someone who will only get more difficult and uncompromising the older he gets.

You can't nurture someone into being a good bf. He does not have the internal tools or ability to be a good partner, and actually he is happy enough on his own. Sure, who would turn down a bit of company but unlike you, he is self sufficient, has his work to keep him busy and a relationship is just a nice-to-have. When you break up he will go right back to his old life, because that is what he likes the most. He may want a relationship, but deep down he knows he is absolutely not equipped to be in one. And has taken the cowards route of blaming you, rather than ending things so you can find someone more suited. Deeply selfish man.

You will fall into a deep, dark hole if you carry on with him. The loneliness can be hard, but it really will not be hard to find someone to top this one.

If I am honest I am scared to end it because being in my lonely house in winter, lots of lonely nights, nobody to cook with or watch a series with etc etc. That might seem pathetic to some, but unless you’ve lived it, it’s hard to describe the loneliness.

It's not pathetic at all. I was in this situation at your age.

I finally broke off a relationship that was going nowhere and yes, I did end up single and fairly lonely for a good while.

BUT it was only because I was on my own that I was free to make some major life changes and at 36 get together with my now husband, we had a child within a couple years and are still very happily married.

Whenever I think about it, I thank god I ditched that dead-end relationship. It could easily have limped on a few more years and I might never have found anyone at all or had a family.

Don't let your fear of being single destroy any chance you have of a happy relationship and family.

Oh my goodness OP, I have been in exactly this situation.

I find some of things you say really, really worrying. The fact that you keep emphasising how kind and patient you are and worrying if you are being demanding, or a drama queen. This is really worrying to me. I used to do this, and I think it is because this is the way my mum behaved with my dad. She used to tiptoe around his oddness in the hope that she would find the magic formula to fix the relationship and make it normal. This is really not a normal, healthy way to have a relationship and it cannot work long term because you will never be happy and you may well end up bullying him in your efforts to fix him, change him or understand him.

I know it's a cliche and apologies to those who are on the spectrum, but it really sounds as if this man has AS. Not because he doesn't enjoy sex or holidays but because he can't communicate about it and he is apparently not noticing that the relationship just does not work.

There really is nothing you can do about this. It definitely will not be fixed by you trying to pretend everything is ok for you. It is not ok for you at all and if you carry on it will seriously damage your mental health.

I know this for certain, I have been there.

This relationship is already over, you just haven't ended it yet. Please raise your standards for what you expect out of a partner, not this selfish, gaslighting twat of a man who's just stringing you along.

OP don't give him the option to make the decision and don't waste your life on him - he isn't going to change. By staying with him you are eliminating your chance of finding someone else to have a full and happy life with. A year into a relationship and you should be madly and passionately in love - this is not that.

You're only a year in and it's making you miserable for good reason. It doesn't sound worth pursuing any further.

I agree with @dreamingbohemian , I had to end a relationship with a man who kept being evasive for years about having a family. It turned out he had had a vasectomy. I was 35 at the time. I met my now husband 6 months later and now have two lovely children. If I hadn't have ended it I would have wasted more years on that man. It was the best thing I ever did. You are in control here, you can make changes to make your future better for you. Your happiness might be just round the corner, who knows! Sending you a big hug xx

It's not wrong to want a fuck, or to feel desired. You are an adult, these are parts of adult relationships.

You've had a nice time with a nice man, there are worse things to happen.

Get back out there!

He’s a basket case. Cut your losses and move on. Even the time you are spending writing these detailed posts is wasted time. He’s not worth the headspace.

@CommonRoom

Oh my goodness OP, I have been in exactly this situation.

I find some of things you say really, really worrying. The fact that you keep emphasising how kind and patient you are and worrying if you are being demanding, or a drama queen. This is really worrying to me. I used to do this, and I think it is because this is the way my mum behaved with my dad. She used to tiptoe around his oddness in the hope that she would find the magic formula to fix the relationship and make it normal. This is really not a normal, healthy way to have a relationship and it cannot work long term because you will never be happy and you may well end up bullying him in your efforts to fix him, change him or understand him.

I know it's a cliche and apologies to those who are on the spectrum, but it really sounds as if this man has AS. Not because he doesn't enjoy sex or holidays but because he can't communicate about it and he is apparently not noticing that the relationship just does not work.

There really is nothing you can do about this. It definitely will not be fixed by you trying to pretend everything is ok for you. It is not ok for you at all and if you carry on it will seriously damage your mental health.

I know this for certain, I have been there.

I second the impression that his odd behaviour might be caused by ASD.

Is he gay? Or married and doesn’t see oral as ‘full sex’ so not cheating?