Have i just been an idiot and destroyed things?

[abersterol]

A year ago today I met the man I am currently with. He’s 39, I was 35 last week. When we met I was very clear I wanted to settle down and have a family. He said the same. He has a job that means he works 7am to usually half 8 (this is relevant I think).

In short, we’ve had brief sex twice, both times for about two minutes and then he stops. We’ve had other intimacy, he goes down on me and I on him, he’s hard when we kiss and he’s into cuddling and is quite affectionate that way. I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant to have proper full sex (we’ve done it twice and the last time was in may). I’ve asked him literally everything I could think of, gone through all the possible anxieties, worries or concerns he may have from sti to performance and everything in between. I’ve sat and held his hand and said whatever the issue is I’m here to work through it with him. I’ve also asked outright if he just doesn’t like sex. His answer is always the same: he wants sex, he wants that with me, he doesn’t have a reason why we haven’t developed that side to the relationship and he can’t promise me when we will do it but he knows he wants to at some point. So what happens is I leave it, a week or two, then obviously we do other things and he ejaculates with a blow job and things carry on, but I start feeling upset about the fact there’s no progress with sex and no answer as to why we are no doing it. He recently told me the last time he did have sex was 7 years ago. He’s not had a relationship for a long time and the longest has been much shorter than ours at a few weeks/months. I wondered if he was worried about performance but I’ve asked sensitively about that too and he says not.

That’s issue one.

Issue two is that since June I’ve been trying to book a short break from Saturday to Monday, to go away for a long weekend together. He’s not keen on taking time off/started a new job recently so said he doesn’t know if he can etc. I’ve said it’s just one day of annual leave. He’s said he can’t go abroad or go far as he just doesn’t want to do that right now with work. I’m not exactly sure why as his colleagues go away and they’re in the same role but he seems to find it all stressful. Eventually he agreed to ask to take a Monday off in October and so I booked somewhere an hour away, just for a change of scenery. It turns out he didn’t ask work/couldn’t take it off in the end. He’s not suggested another weekend or even said let’s just have a night away on a Saturday instead which I would have thought was a compromise. I know this is a bit of a first world problem and if the relationship is good then maybe I should stop complaining about something like this, but I guess it had upset me he didn’t want to find any extra time to share together. Again with this I was very patient, he said he did want to go away but didn’t know when etc etc. So I emailed him some dates and hotels and asked which he liked. He said he liked one of them and so I said I would provisionally book. Then he makes zero steps to organise it with his work or suggest an alternative. It makes me feel a bit messed around.

All this came to a head a few nights ago. We’d had a nice meal and come home and were watching a film, kissing etc. I suggested sex and he just stopped and shook his head. I asked why and he shook his head and didn’t answer. I got really upset. Said we’d had a nice night, if you want sex like you’ve said then why aren’t you doing that… it escalated.

I said it wasn’t normal to say you want sex and then not do it. I said he was weird for not wanting to go away together and do something nice and that most normal people in an adult relationship would appreciate me taking time to fit in with them and find somewhere nice to go for a two night break once in a year. I said he was selfish for not listening to me or compromising, said he was making me miserable and why couldn’t he at least understand that as a couple he should be honest and if he wants us to be together he needs to understand that you have to compromise. I said it was obvious why he had never had a relationship before. I said he was a bastard for playing games (no idea if he is but it felt that way). I asked him if he just wanted to break up because I couldn’t understand why he would treat me this way. I also raised the fact that in summer he would only see me briefly on a Sunday night for a few weeks and wouldn’t go for a meal or do anything as he had an interview coming up. It was a huge interview to be fair to him but I found it all a bit odd and extreme and said it was hurtful at the time.

He got upset and then defensive, said he does compromise to be with me because he spends all his free time with me outside work …that is mostly true he does but I said that’s not compromising, that’s just having the relationship. He said he would usually work later than he does it it wasn’t for me, so therefore it was a compromise

It ended with him saying I clearly thought he was inadequate and therefore he couldn’t meet my needs and I had been horrible to him and that changed how he felt now.

We had some breathing space and reconvened when calmed down but even then he was reluctant to actually talk about things rationally. He didn’t say much and I still have no idea when he wants sex other than he told me that the last two weeks he was too tired after work. He didn’t explain the last 11 months though.

Aside from these things we have had a lovely relationship. I do love him. He’s said the same to me. We’ve had some lovely times and I honestly thought he was the person I would be with.

Have I ruined it this by flying off the handle and saying horrible things in anger? I feel terrible and he is saying he questions the whole relationship after how I snapped. I am conflicted because I know I have been so patient and loving and kind in the past about these things. I’ve told him i support him and there’s no pressure and I’ve generally tried to be lighthearted about trips away and sex but obviously have mentioned it intermittently as time has gone on. He’s a nice person but his reaction to my outburst seems to be to ignore why it happened and to have a reason to withdraw further rather than sitting down together and having a chat about how we can work on things. Have i messed this all up? I also feel desperately sad at the thought of starting again at this age. It scares me. I probably sound pathetic here but IRL I have a good job and I’m usually quite together and positive :(

[zonky]

@ChargingBuck

Therapies are like dating apps - the creators need your money lol

& grocers who sell me food need my money. Does that mean their food contains no nutrients, & I can replace it with common sense?
Likewise my gas supplier, & I should cancel the direct debit & heat my house with common sense?

Not all therapists have medial qualifications... A lot of it isn't evidence- based....it is isn't proven that all therapies are effective just like medication for depression etc doesn't work for everyone...
Not all mechanics have the proper qualifications, or are shysters, or just not much cop. Should I shun all mechanics, because some are bad apples?

I spent 6 months doing it so that I can say it was a waste of time and it was ...you can really spend most of your life on a mental health band wagon and get nowhere...or have 'placebo' like experience
You spent 6 months doing it & then felt better enough to quit.
That's great.But hardly the proof you seem to think it is.
All you have 'proven' is that you think therapy is pointless, despite your own recovery during 6 months of it.
Many people talked about germ theory as being just the latest medical band wagon. Didn't make them right - just convinced by their own anecdata.

It didn't make me feel better /helped. I helped my self by seeing it for what it was -pseudo science.

Talking therapy isn't measurable to have been the only factor that contributed to my feeling better. It's just confirmation bias for those who seek echo chambers....

[zonky]

Some people love 'therapy' others find different ways to see out of their situation. And I'm one of them.

[RamsayBoltonsConscience]

@Buildingthefuture

Maybe I’ve spent too long on here, but my first thought was are you an unwitting OW? He won’t have full sex (to remain “faithful’ to his wife?) he spent weeks when he would only see you briefly on a Sunday night (wife had become suspicious?) and he won’t go away or take a day off (which would be hard to explain?) I hope I’m wrong, but either way, he’s obviously got some issues that he isn’t disclosing…..

That's what my first thought was too! It's all very strange.

[anthurium]

"My God, you are patronising. Really, really obnoxious.

I've had plenty of relationships. I'm not saying they're a 'panacea'. I'm saying it's downright irresponsible to repeatedly push and bully a woman who is clearly dealing with a lot of issues and who doesn't have a good support system into solo parenthood when she's said she doesn't want to do it. I used to be a teacher. Do you have any idea of the kind of damage it can do to a child to have an ill-prepared, poorly adjusted parent?

One of my best friends decided to go it alone. She got pregnant by mistake with a FWB, he wasn't interested, and she decided to just go for it. Difference is that she's a very secure, confident, high flying woman who knew she would be fine with it. She had a happy childhood herself and her parents live nearby to provide childcare and help. She needed to lean on them all quite a lot even though she is very capable and practical. OP sounds like she's very lonely without any real support, and she also sounds like she's not got great mental health right now. And you think she should have a baby on her own?

Are you aware that having a child isn't essential? Plenty of women would rather not have children at all than go it alone. Funny you talk about me projecting onto other people when it's literally ALL you do. Every single thread I see you on, you're going on about having a child alone. Why do you care so much what other people do? Your suggestion that I'm 'stigmatising' lone parents by telling you not to bully women into doing something they don't want to do is verging on narcissistic, to be honest. It's not about you."


Op is being told she should get back in the saddle and date, and more lately that she needs therapy! I'm not bullying anyone just presenting a different way of having a family.

Are you jealous of your friend? Would you like to have the courage to do something like that but can't (because you need to have a man?)

great it's worked out for her though legally a very different situation as the child technically has a father and may seek involvement further down the line...unlike a sperm donor situation...

Op wants a child though ...don't you Op too? It's not essential no...nor is having a man

I find it strange how the reason for not wanting to go at it alone usually is met with 'I just don't'. When behind it is usually fear of the stigma for not having 'achieved' the societal expectations of met man married/had children narrative.

It makes no difference to me whether you or Op end up childless not by choice...It won't be me.

But you do ought to stop with the internet suspected diagnosis/labeling, that's for GP to decide

[Youknownothingsnow]

You said that you can’t understand how he could say all these things to you but then be happy to let you go. I always judge someone not by what they say but by what they do. It sounds to me like you have built up this image in your head of him that doesn’t exist. It’s imaginary. What he said and did didn’t match up. Concentrate on yourself and in time these feeling will clear and you will be ready to move on in your life with someone who deserves you and what you bring to the table.

[PerseverancePays]

To the Op, this man you were dating is very bent out of shape. It would not have mattered how much you tried to bend yourself to match his weirdness , it would never have been enough. There is nothing you could have done , no sacrifices you could have made to have a rewarding relationship with this man. He didn’t have it in him. He might have wanted it, like a child who wants to be an astronaut but doesn’t understand basic maths, he’s never going to be an astronaut.
Give yourself time to grieve, give your therapy time , and build up some strength. Just know that his inability to have a relationship with you is not your fault, it’s just the way he is. And if his father and brother never leave the house, I would hazard that the disfunction runs in the family. There’s nothing you could have done about it. You weren’t to know.

[FlowerArranger]

32 pages in and I fear this thread is at risk of getting derailed.

Many women are able to have a child without a partner and do just fine. The OP, due to her complex issues, is perhaps not a good candidate for single motherhood. Moreover, she has thought about this, repeatedly, and has concluded that this is not something she would want. She is clearly intelligent enough to make this decision. Her problems are very severe and rooted in her childhood.

It's true that therapy doesn't 'work' for everyone, but I believe that most people who truly invest in it, in terms of time and emotional and intellectual effort, will get some benefit. 6 months is often not enough, especially in a complex case like the OP's. Unpicking her childhood is absolutely key (hint: it nearly always is...), so she needs to face up to it. However, CBT suggested by a PP would probably be helpful as well. Maybe her therapist can do both, or suggest a CBT specialist with whom she can work in conjunction?

And 35 is certainly not too old to start addressing the childhood that shaped us and contributed to so many of the difficulties we face as adults. I was 60 when I started, and boy am I glad I did! Yes, I wish I'd done this decades earlier, but never late than never. The most important learnings that I took away was my newfound ability to protect myself through boundaries, and act in my own best interests - and actually recognise what these are. Like the OP, I used to have low self esteem. Not anymore!

Two books helped me prepare for my journey to happiness with or without a man, and I'd strongly recommend that OP reads them:

WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, by Robin Norwood
THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM, by Nathaniel Barden
(There are lots of books on self esteem, but Dr Norwood's book is a classic - despite the awful title.)

Just stepping stones, but a good start on the road to emotional self-sufficiency, @abersterol

[anthurium]

@FlowerArranger. Is op a good candidate for motherhood at within a partnership (assuming she goes back on the apps and meets someone non the next 6 months?)

[FluffyFlower]

@FlowerArranger

32 pages in and I fear this thread is at risk of getting derailed.

Many women are able to have a child without a partner and do just fine. The OP, due to her complex issues, is perhaps not a good candidate for single motherhood. Moreover, she has thought about this, repeatedly, and has concluded that this is not something she would want. She is clearly intelligent enough to make this decision. Her problems are very severe and rooted in her childhood.

It's true that therapy doesn't 'work' for everyone, but I believe that most people who truly invest in it, in terms of time and emotional and intellectual effort, will get some benefit. 6 months is often not enough, especially in a complex case like the OP's. Unpicking her childhood is absolutely key (hint: it nearly always is...), so she needs to face up to it. However, CBT suggested by a PP would probably be helpful as well. Maybe her therapist can do both, or suggest a CBT specialist with whom she can work in conjunction?

And 35 is certainly not too old to start addressing the childhood that shaped us and contributed to so many of the difficulties we face as adults. I was 60 when I started, and boy am I glad I did! Yes, I wish I'd done this decades earlier, but never late than never. The most important learnings that I took away was my newfound ability to protect myself through boundaries, and act in my own best interests - and actually recognise what these are. Like the OP, I used to have low self esteem. Not anymore!

Two books helped me prepare for my journey to happiness with or without a man, and I'd strongly recommend that OP reads them:

WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, by Robin Norwood
THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM, by Nathaniel Barden
(There are lots of books on self esteem, but Dr Norwood's book is a classic - despite the awful title.)

Just stepping stones, but a good start on the road to emotional self-sufficiency, *@abersterol*

That: WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, by Robin Norwood was an eye-opener for me too.

[xfan]

I've had a quick skim read of the replies to this thread....it does deem the last few pages is about 'pathologising' Op and her issues...

I do agree though that women in her 30s and mod 30s suffer from enormous societal pressure to settle down if this is something they went, but haven't managed to achieve.

Her therapy could go on for years though, and not necessarily achieve results (one possible outcome)..does that mean she shouldn't date as she'd be vulnerable still??

[CecilieRose]

@anthurium don't tell me what to do. I've suggested OP might be autistic - that's it. What she wants to do with that information is her business. I'm not bullying her into having a child on her own like you are. You ARE bullying because you've gone on and on about it despite her politely saying she's not interested. It's boorish, overbearing behaviour. OP is not a child. If she doesn't want to do something, you have no right to ask her to justify that or explain why. 'I just don't' is a perfectly acceptable explanation.

No, I'm not jealous of my friend (why would I be jealous!?), and I have a partner. I could have a child nine months from now if I wanted to. Not wanting to do something has nothing to do with 'courage'. You really do have an incredibly unpleasant attitude, with all your little petty digs. You remind me of the nasty mean girls at school. Lashing our at other people because you feel insecure and inadequate. If you're happy with your decision and your life, why are so obsessed with insisting other people do the same? Why can't you own your decision and let other people be?

[CecilieRose]

@xfan

I've had a quick skim read of the replies to this thread....it does deem the last few pages is about 'pathologising' Op and her issues...

I do agree though that women in her 30s and mod 30s suffer from enormous societal pressure to settle down if this is something they went, but haven't managed to achieve.

Her therapy could go on for years though, and not necessarily achieve results (one possible outcome)..does that mean she shouldn't date as she'd be vulnerable still??

So what? OP has made her decision now, and she's struggling with it, so how is talking about therapy and working on herself 'derailing'?

OP clearly has quite severe self esteem issues rooted in childhood abuse. She is the perfect candidate for an abuser or at the very least another useless lazy idiot who gives her about 1% of what she needs and deserves. She also seems to have trouble reading people's intentions and seeing things for what they are, which could easily lead her into another dead end relationship which doesn't meet any of her needs. I think dating in her current state would be like trying to paper over giant cracks. A new relationship would just distract her but the issues would still be festering under the service.

[anthurium]

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium don't tell me what to do. I've suggested OP might be autistic - that's it. What she wants to do with that information is her business. I'm not bullying her into having a child on her own like you are. You ARE bullying because you've gone on and on about it despite her politely saying she's not interested. It's boorish, overbearing behaviour. OP is not a child. If she doesn't want to do something, you have no right to ask her to justify that or explain why. 'I just don't' is a perfectly acceptable explanation.

No, I'm not jealous of my friend (why would I be jealous!?), and I have a partner. I could have a child nine months from now if I wanted to. Not wanting to do something has nothing to do with 'courage'. You really do have an incredibly unpleasant attitude, with all your little petty digs. You remind me of the nasty mean girls at school. Lashing our at other people because you feel insecure and inadequate. If you're happy with your decision and your life, why are so obsessed with insisting other people do the same? Why can't you own your decision and let other people be?[/quote]
@CecilieRose

Yes you have a partner and quite a dysfunctional relationship according to your post below...I wouldn't advise having a child in your circumstance considering you're wanting to extricate yourself from this relationship... Yes go ahead and have a child in 9 months lol. I don't feel insecure and inadequate. It happy, I've made informed choices.

You are unhappy, you are in a dysfunctional relationship and advising others on their possible diagnosis.

@CecilieRose
"17/10/2021 20:24CecilieRose

OP, I've seen a lot of posters saying your (ex?) partner might be autistic, but I'm actually wondering if YOU might be?

I'm autistic myself and I'm seeing a lot of my own behaviours here in you - the extreme rumination, repetitive statements, obsession over what you could have done differently. It's really quite extreme, especially considering the relationship is only a year old. Very similar to how I act when a relationship ends. You also seem very cut off from any support network or anything - you mention feeling completely alone, having no-one, and seemingly little sense of self...this are often signs of autism in women which are masked by high intelligence and capability in other aspects of life.

I hope you don't think I'm overstepping, OP...I'm just concerned as we autistic women tend to be quite vulnerable and naive when it comes to reading people's intentions. I'm in a relationship which is uncannily like yours (maybe not as bad) and which I'm considering extricating myself from. Weirdly enough I was with a different man before this who wouldn't have sex with me, finally ended things after six months and got with this guy within a couple of weeks, and it's just bad in another way. Please feel free to disregard if you don't believe this applies to you but something about your tone and your actions are ringing a lot of bells!"

[anthurium]

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium you really are an incredibly nasty piece of work, aren't you?

My relationship isn't going very well at the moment for various reasons (my autism is at the root of a lot of them, along with childhood abuse, like OP) and I have no interest in having a child now or possibly ever. What the heck does that have to do with anything? I'm mature enough to know that I wouldn't cope with having a child at the moment, alone or not, so I'm not doing it. Other people in far worse situations just go ahead and do it, and I could too, if I wanted to. I could have a child alone if I wanted to. I don't want to. Why are you obsessed with the idea that people are jealous of you? It's so weird and childish and narcissistic. If I wanted to do what you're doing, I would. I don't want to. It doesn't sound at all appealing. How can you not comprehend that?

Your arrogance is really bizarre. You have such a high opinion of yourself, don't you?[/quote]
I'm not arrogant, or nasty. I've made mistakes I'm not perfect... Why do you have the need to be? I never said people are jealous of me, they have acknowledged my courage and determination, completely different.

You sound you can barely cope in a relationship either - having jumped from one toxic relationship to another (within 2 weeks of previous one ending).

I'm sorry you're so insecure, and you need to validate yourself by being in a dysfunctional relationship

[anthurium]

@CecilieRose

I don't think you'd be able to do what me or other women have done - easier to say 'I'd do this, I'd do that'...that's cheap talk. Actions speak louder than words.

Have the strength to leave your relationship but you're struggling with that (and seem determined to jump from one relationship into another...

Maybe start your own thread?

[CecilieRose]

@anthurium and there you go again with the sniping. You can't help yourself, can you? You ARE arrogant. You snipe and snipe about other people and you talk about yourself as if you're just so great. It's clear you think you're better than other people. You're not any better than I am or OP is, you just have less humility and self awareness and an overinflated sense of your own importance. It oozes from every post. "Jealous of my courage and determination" - the absolute narcissism!!! You're having a baby, love, not battling advanced cancer while doing a degree in astrophysics.

If I were the kind of person you are, I could post plenty of nasty digs about you about how pathetic it is to resort to IVF and a sperm donor because you couldn't find anyone who could stand you. I could tell you you're selfish for creating a new life rather than adopting or fostering children that already exist. I could tell you you're sad for needing a baby for validation - why can't you just be happy alone? Are you so pathetic that you can't keep yourself entertained and happy on your own? Is it so hard for you to find adult company that you need a baby to keep your company? Why don't you just travel more, or meet new people? You must be jealous I have an attractive partner and can have great sex whenever I want to when you had to resort to paying for sperm and masturbating with toys from Ann Summers.

Of course I would never actually say or think any of those things in a million years, but that's how YOU think and act. You're spiteful and mean and you use people's words against them. Bully people to make yourself feel better. Almost everyone on this thread has been warm and supportive to OP and sincerely tried to help. Not you.

You just don't come across as someone who is happy and content. You come across as a very, very nasty, bitter person who feels like they messed up in life and needs validation through bullying other people into making the same choice you did. It's weird and creepy.

[TheChip]

Now the thread really has been derailed.

[CecilieRose]

[quote anthurium]@CecilieRose

I don't think you'd be able to do what me or other women have done - easier to say 'I'd do this, I'd do that'...that's cheap talk. Actions speak louder than words.

Have the strength to leave your relationship but you're struggling with that (and seem determined to jump from one relationship into another...

Maybe start your own thread?[/quote]
I don't want to have a baby! What part of that can you not get into your head? Just because that was your greatest ambition in life doesn't mean everyone else is the same.

[anthurium]

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium and there you go again with the sniping. You can't help yourself, can you? You ARE arrogant. You snipe and snipe about other people and you talk about yourself as if you're just so great. It's clear you think you're better than other people. You're not any better than I am or OP is, you just have less humility and self awareness and an overinflated sense of your own importance. It oozes from every post. "Jealous of my courage and determination" - the absolute narcissism!!! You're having a baby, love, not battling advanced cancer while doing a degree in astrophysics.

If I were the kind of person you are, I could post plenty of nasty digs about you about how pathetic it is to resort to IVF and a sperm donor because you couldn't find anyone who could stand you. I could tell you you're selfish for creating a new life rather than adopting or fostering children that already exist. I could tell you you're sad for needing a baby for validation - why can't you just be happy alone? Are you so pathetic that you can't keep yourself entertained and happy on your own? Is it so hard for you to find adult company that you need a baby to keep your company? Why don't you just travel more, or meet new people? You must be jealous I have an attractive partner and can have great sex whenever I want to when you had to resort to paying for sperm and masturbating with toys from Ann Summers.

Of course I would never actually say or think any of those things in a million years, but that's how YOU think and act. You're spiteful and mean and you use people's words against them. Bully people to make yourself feel better. Almost everyone on this thread has been warm and supportive to OP and sincerely tried to help. Not you.

You just don't come across as someone who is happy and content. You come across as a very, very nasty, bitter person who feels like they messed up in life and needs validation through bullying other people into making the same choice you did. It's weird and creepy.[/quote]
I'm very happy. I've had bad and good relationships lie most people
I was married too. We split as wanted different things.

No Op you are bitter. You are dissatisfied. Traumatised. In need of validation from men. I want a family and my previous partner wasn't ready/different life stages. I didn't just find another replacement like you seem to. I loved him so I wasn't and didn't want to date again.

I've had lots of good sex Op ..and I can and have had attractive partners it's not an issue for me. I don't put up with no sex like you do in relationships. I don't have such low standards.

Please get some therapy you seem very emotionally invested in me, that's weird and creepy.

[abersterol]

I’m sorry this thread has caused tension - @CecilieRose and @anthurium I know you are both offering your support from your own perspectives, and it has really helped me to read about that and think about things on a wider basis.

Please don’t get annoyed with each other - you both sound great and I for one am grateful to have had your thoughts on what I’ve been through with this relationship and how to move forwards.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@anthurium

Please, you've made your point now. You've become increasingly spiteful in your recent posts directed to another poster who tried to point it out to you that you were relentlessly pushing something OP said wasn't for her.

Nobody said it's wrong you've done it, or that people shouldn't do it. It just isn't for everyone. Not everyone wants kids. Not everyone would want to be a single parent. Not everyone would want to live with a partner. Not everyone would want to xyz whatever other things. I'm adopted. Lots of people don't want to adopt even if they don't conceive naturally. I don't take that as an insult to me or my parents and our family, it's up to individuals to do what works for them.

Your tone has become increasingly spiteful and hostile. The me-railing is no use to OP and is just creating a nasty atmosphere:

You're happy with your decision and that's great, I am happy for you and I'm sure everyone else is too. It has no bearing on someone who doesn't want to start their parenthood journey as a single parent, like OP who has very clearly stated her wishes.

[abersterol]

@Youknownothingsnow and @PerseverancePays thanks. It does help to know others would have thought in a similar way to me. I really need my feelings to be validated so a relationship ending automatically means I blame myself without others assuring me they would do the same. I think that’s the nub of what I need to discuss in therapy really. If I had confidence I would have ended this after a couple of months. Thank you for posting.

[abersterol]

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@anthurium

Please, you've made your point now. You've become increasingly spiteful in your recent posts directed to another poster who tried to point it out to you that you were relentlessly pushing something OP said wasn't for her.

Nobody said it's wrong you've done it, or that people shouldn't do it. It just isn't for everyone. Not everyone wants kids. Not everyone would want to be a single parent. Not everyone would want to live with a partner. Not everyone would want to xyz whatever other things. I'm adopted. Lots of people don't want to adopt even if they don't conceive naturally. I don't take that as an insult to me or my parents and our family, it's up to individuals to do what works for them.

Your tone has become increasingly spiteful and hostile. The me-railing is no use to OP and is just creating a nasty atmosphere:

You're happy with your decision and that's great, I am happy for you and I'm sure everyone else is too. It has no bearing on someone who doesn't want to start their parenthood journey as a single parent, like OP who has very clearly stated her wishes. [/quote]
@anthurium it is really helpful to hear about your experience and what you did. I have a friend who is doing the same thing. I don’t have anything against it at all, it’s just not something I feel I want to do. I wouldn’t necessarily write off that idea and it’s nice to hear of someone doing that and it working out for them, it does give me things to think about when I’ve recovered a bit from this relationship.