Have i just been an idiot and destroyed things?

[abersterol]

A year ago today I met the man I am currently with. He’s 39, I was 35 last week. When we met I was very clear I wanted to settle down and have a family. He said the same. He has a job that means he works 7am to usually half 8 (this is relevant I think).

In short, we’ve had brief sex twice, both times for about two minutes and then he stops. We’ve had other intimacy, he goes down on me and I on him, he’s hard when we kiss and he’s into cuddling and is quite affectionate that way. I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant to have proper full sex (we’ve done it twice and the last time was in may). I’ve asked him literally everything I could think of, gone through all the possible anxieties, worries or concerns he may have from sti to performance and everything in between. I’ve sat and held his hand and said whatever the issue is I’m here to work through it with him. I’ve also asked outright if he just doesn’t like sex. His answer is always the same: he wants sex, he wants that with me, he doesn’t have a reason why we haven’t developed that side to the relationship and he can’t promise me when we will do it but he knows he wants to at some point. So what happens is I leave it, a week or two, then obviously we do other things and he ejaculates with a blow job and things carry on, but I start feeling upset about the fact there’s no progress with sex and no answer as to why we are no doing it. He recently told me the last time he did have sex was 7 years ago. He’s not had a relationship for a long time and the longest has been much shorter than ours at a few weeks/months. I wondered if he was worried about performance but I’ve asked sensitively about that too and he says not.

That’s issue one.

Issue two is that since June I’ve been trying to book a short break from Saturday to Monday, to go away for a long weekend together. He’s not keen on taking time off/started a new job recently so said he doesn’t know if he can etc. I’ve said it’s just one day of annual leave. He’s said he can’t go abroad or go far as he just doesn’t want to do that right now with work. I’m not exactly sure why as his colleagues go away and they’re in the same role but he seems to find it all stressful. Eventually he agreed to ask to take a Monday off in October and so I booked somewhere an hour away, just for a change of scenery. It turns out he didn’t ask work/couldn’t take it off in the end. He’s not suggested another weekend or even said let’s just have a night away on a Saturday instead which I would have thought was a compromise. I know this is a bit of a first world problem and if the relationship is good then maybe I should stop complaining about something like this, but I guess it had upset me he didn’t want to find any extra time to share together. Again with this I was very patient, he said he did want to go away but didn’t know when etc etc. So I emailed him some dates and hotels and asked which he liked. He said he liked one of them and so I said I would provisionally book. Then he makes zero steps to organise it with his work or suggest an alternative. It makes me feel a bit messed around.

All this came to a head a few nights ago. We’d had a nice meal and come home and were watching a film, kissing etc. I suggested sex and he just stopped and shook his head. I asked why and he shook his head and didn’t answer. I got really upset. Said we’d had a nice night, if you want sex like you’ve said then why aren’t you doing that… it escalated.

I said it wasn’t normal to say you want sex and then not do it. I said he was weird for not wanting to go away together and do something nice and that most normal people in an adult relationship would appreciate me taking time to fit in with them and find somewhere nice to go for a two night break once in a year. I said he was selfish for not listening to me or compromising, said he was making me miserable and why couldn’t he at least understand that as a couple he should be honest and if he wants us to be together he needs to understand that you have to compromise. I said it was obvious why he had never had a relationship before. I said he was a bastard for playing games (no idea if he is but it felt that way). I asked him if he just wanted to break up because I couldn’t understand why he would treat me this way. I also raised the fact that in summer he would only see me briefly on a Sunday night for a few weeks and wouldn’t go for a meal or do anything as he had an interview coming up. It was a huge interview to be fair to him but I found it all a bit odd and extreme and said it was hurtful at the time.

He got upset and then defensive, said he does compromise to be with me because he spends all his free time with me outside work …that is mostly true he does but I said that’s not compromising, that’s just having the relationship. He said he would usually work later than he does it it wasn’t for me, so therefore it was a compromise

It ended with him saying I clearly thought he was inadequate and therefore he couldn’t meet my needs and I had been horrible to him and that changed how he felt now.

We had some breathing space and reconvened when calmed down but even then he was reluctant to actually talk about things rationally. He didn’t say much and I still have no idea when he wants sex other than he told me that the last two weeks he was too tired after work. He didn’t explain the last 11 months though.

Aside from these things we have had a lovely relationship. I do love him. He’s said the same to me. We’ve had some lovely times and I honestly thought he was the person I would be with.

Have I ruined it this by flying off the handle and saying horrible things in anger? I feel terrible and he is saying he questions the whole relationship after how I snapped. I am conflicted because I know I have been so patient and loving and kind in the past about these things. I’ve told him i support him and there’s no pressure and I’ve generally tried to be lighthearted about trips away and sex but obviously have mentioned it intermittently as time has gone on. He’s a nice person but his reaction to my outburst seems to be to ignore why it happened and to have a reason to withdraw further rather than sitting down together and having a chat about how we can work on things. Have i messed this all up? I also feel desperately sad at the thought of starting again at this age. It scares me. I probably sound pathetic here but IRL I have a good job and I’m usually quite together and positive :(

[anthurium]

"it is really helpful to hear about your experience and what you did. I have a friend who is doing the same thing. I don’t have anything against it at all, it’s just not something I feel I want to do. I wouldn’t necessarily write off that idea and it’s nice to hear of someone doing that and it working out for them, it does give me things to think about when I’ve recovered a bit from this relationship."

@abersterol
You're welcome and take care

[Littlepaws18]

Wow this thread has as other posters mentioned gone off topic and could do with being pulled back.

This is advice from my own experiences of the world so don't take it as one size fits all kind of advice, but I have been in a similar position to you and got through it!

I was mid 30s had some disastrous relationships and had a goal of a family life. I was a single parent, and (now here is where I know the practical rather than the theory). Being a single parent is tough! It's not a path I would ever chose for myself or my child- it's physically demanding, emotionally draining especially in the early years and not ideal for the child either- two loving parents (whatever gender) is far far better than one. She I would stick to your guns op with that one.

Anyway to the point... I had an ideal in my head of what a perfect relationship was and I tried to persue that ideal with completely unsuitable men. I ignored red flags to my peril and spent a roller coaster few years of intense relationships that went no where because I was over looking every issue and doggedly trying to create a relationship that wasn't there.

At the start of this post you mentioned two things that were not there for you in this relationship- sex and holidays. Both a pretty important if they are important for you. If you continued this relationship it would have been a compromise, and decades on I bet you would resent him for lacking in these areas. You are over analysing now and I think this is so you can either try to fix these issues yourself or try to overcome them because (and you are wearing rose tinted glasses) you are now fixated on the good times and actually you feel these outweigh the issues at hand or you are trying to convince yourself this. But those things are important physical intimacy is so incredibly important in a relationship it helps cement your bond together, it's the unique thing you both have with each other and no one else. It helps build emotional intimacy too. So you were right to question the lack of it in your original post. Read and reread that post until it's stuck in your mind- he's not right for you.

When you get that message, you can then move on. I actually decided to give up on relationships and work on my family and career and friends. Personally it did wonders for my self esteem. I was in control, I was happy and my life wasn't emotionally explosive. It was during this time I met my husband. Because I was happy in my own skin it radiated off me and now have a great relationship with a man who is not a compromise and a wonderful family life. Now don't get me wrong life still has its down moments- but it's the right path for me.

I think you need to move on from this (I know easier said than done) take time for you say six months- give it a time frame. When you next approach a relationship you will have a clearer view of what your happiness is and what you aren't willing to sacrifice.

I hope my ramblings are of some use! X

[themadcatparade]

He's incredibly selfish isn't he Op. you should be able to work things out in relationships and he's not even willing to even admit himself what his problem is, never mind together.