Have i just been an idiot and destroyed things?

[abersterol]

A year ago today I met the man I am currently with. He’s 39, I was 35 last week. When we met I was very clear I wanted to settle down and have a family. He said the same. He has a job that means he works 7am to usually half 8 (this is relevant I think).

In short, we’ve had brief sex twice, both times for about two minutes and then he stops. We’ve had other intimacy, he goes down on me and I on him, he’s hard when we kiss and he’s into cuddling and is quite affectionate that way. I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant to have proper full sex (we’ve done it twice and the last time was in may). I’ve asked him literally everything I could think of, gone through all the possible anxieties, worries or concerns he may have from sti to performance and everything in between. I’ve sat and held his hand and said whatever the issue is I’m here to work through it with him. I’ve also asked outright if he just doesn’t like sex. His answer is always the same: he wants sex, he wants that with me, he doesn’t have a reason why we haven’t developed that side to the relationship and he can’t promise me when we will do it but he knows he wants to at some point. So what happens is I leave it, a week or two, then obviously we do other things and he ejaculates with a blow job and things carry on, but I start feeling upset about the fact there’s no progress with sex and no answer as to why we are no doing it. He recently told me the last time he did have sex was 7 years ago. He’s not had a relationship for a long time and the longest has been much shorter than ours at a few weeks/months. I wondered if he was worried about performance but I’ve asked sensitively about that too and he says not.

That’s issue one.

Issue two is that since June I’ve been trying to book a short break from Saturday to Monday, to go away for a long weekend together. He’s not keen on taking time off/started a new job recently so said he doesn’t know if he can etc. I’ve said it’s just one day of annual leave. He’s said he can’t go abroad or go far as he just doesn’t want to do that right now with work. I’m not exactly sure why as his colleagues go away and they’re in the same role but he seems to find it all stressful. Eventually he agreed to ask to take a Monday off in October and so I booked somewhere an hour away, just for a change of scenery. It turns out he didn’t ask work/couldn’t take it off in the end. He’s not suggested another weekend or even said let’s just have a night away on a Saturday instead which I would have thought was a compromise. I know this is a bit of a first world problem and if the relationship is good then maybe I should stop complaining about something like this, but I guess it had upset me he didn’t want to find any extra time to share together. Again with this I was very patient, he said he did want to go away but didn’t know when etc etc. So I emailed him some dates and hotels and asked which he liked. He said he liked one of them and so I said I would provisionally book. Then he makes zero steps to organise it with his work or suggest an alternative. It makes me feel a bit messed around.

All this came to a head a few nights ago. We’d had a nice meal and come home and were watching a film, kissing etc. I suggested sex and he just stopped and shook his head. I asked why and he shook his head and didn’t answer. I got really upset. Said we’d had a nice night, if you want sex like you’ve said then why aren’t you doing that… it escalated.

I said it wasn’t normal to say you want sex and then not do it. I said he was weird for not wanting to go away together and do something nice and that most normal people in an adult relationship would appreciate me taking time to fit in with them and find somewhere nice to go for a two night break once in a year. I said he was selfish for not listening to me or compromising, said he was making me miserable and why couldn’t he at least understand that as a couple he should be honest and if he wants us to be together he needs to understand that you have to compromise. I said it was obvious why he had never had a relationship before. I said he was a bastard for playing games (no idea if he is but it felt that way). I asked him if he just wanted to break up because I couldn’t understand why he would treat me this way. I also raised the fact that in summer he would only see me briefly on a Sunday night for a few weeks and wouldn’t go for a meal or do anything as he had an interview coming up. It was a huge interview to be fair to him but I found it all a bit odd and extreme and said it was hurtful at the time.

He got upset and then defensive, said he does compromise to be with me because he spends all his free time with me outside work …that is mostly true he does but I said that’s not compromising, that’s just having the relationship. He said he would usually work later than he does it it wasn’t for me, so therefore it was a compromise

It ended with him saying I clearly thought he was inadequate and therefore he couldn’t meet my needs and I had been horrible to him and that changed how he felt now.

We had some breathing space and reconvened when calmed down but even then he was reluctant to actually talk about things rationally. He didn’t say much and I still have no idea when he wants sex other than he told me that the last two weeks he was too tired after work. He didn’t explain the last 11 months though.

Aside from these things we have had a lovely relationship. I do love him. He’s said the same to me. We’ve had some lovely times and I honestly thought he was the person I would be with.

Have I ruined it this by flying off the handle and saying horrible things in anger? I feel terrible and he is saying he questions the whole relationship after how I snapped. I am conflicted because I know I have been so patient and loving and kind in the past about these things. I’ve told him i support him and there’s no pressure and I’ve generally tried to be lighthearted about trips away and sex but obviously have mentioned it intermittently as time has gone on. He’s a nice person but his reaction to my outburst seems to be to ignore why it happened and to have a reason to withdraw further rather than sitting down together and having a chat about how we can work on things. Have i messed this all up? I also feel desperately sad at the thought of starting again at this age. It scares me. I probably sound pathetic here but IRL I have a good job and I’m usually quite together and positive :(

@abersterol

Thanks *@Coffeepot72* I don’t think people understand the depth of the fear but also probably don’t have the same low self esteem as me so it makes things very hard.

The worst thing I do is question myself and blame myself. If I felt I had been perfect and done no wrong then I could probably move on easier. It’s the idea that I’ve ruined things that tears me up.

When I spoke to him and said I didn’t know how we could move forward if he’s reluctant to engage with me on things he just kept saying he found the relationship hard to juggle with everything else and he loved me and thought we had something special but he needed to reflect. Basically what he means is now I’m gone his life is easier.

And I think he's given you the answer that shows you this isn't your fault or on you. You just fell in love with someone who isn't capable of having a romantic relationship despite his best efforts. So rather than blaming him or you, accept that it's just life and nothing either of you can do to change it.

This motion we have that all relationships need is love and good times isn't true. It needs both people to be emotionally compatible and capable of growing a relationship. You both just weren't. And you've given it a good while to try it out, now is the time to let it go.

Be proud that you took a chance and didn't shy away from commitment. But therapy will help you build self esteem and until you feel good/confident in yourself, don't date. Focus on therapy and breaking bad habits. Only then can you find a healthy, fulfilling relationship. You do still have time at 35. But you can't short cut the process as your mind isn't yet ready.

Use your time away now to grieve the loss,heal and focus on tools to build self esteem. Go no contact with him so you don't cling to hope or mess with your head.

Out of interest Op, did you always have low self esteem, even in your 20s where most people feel immortal, have more dating options and generally feel more optimistic about dating/settling down?

@anthurium yes but I didn’t have the overwhelming fear I have now. But I’ve always beaten myself up about things. The therapist said she deals with people with poor self esteem all the time and she’d never known someone be so self critical as I had been. I wish I could be stronger. I have achieved some good things I think but I just never think I’m as good as the next person really. It’s always been that way even at school. I found an old diary that said I didn’t care if (name) dated other girls as well as me because i wanted him to be happy and me and him could still he happy when together. I was 15 so clearly had issues about what was ok for me even then. Always happy to accept scraps and always worried someone will leave me if I’m not perfect.

Basically what he means is now I’m gone his life is easier.

Bur Aber - when he's gone, your life will be easier.

You are not compatible.
He does not make you happy.
He will not change.
Not of this is your fault. It is simply your responsibility to stop hamstringing yourself by hankering after this emotionally unavailable & difficult man.

Always happy to accept scraps and always worried someone will leave me if I’m not perfect.

And what does your therapist say about that? Does she feel it stems from childhood experiences? How loved & accepted did you feel by your parents?

I did love him though @ChargingBuck I loved lots of things about him it was just so hard to be in a relationship with him. He would often say ‘sorry I know I’m difficult.’ I just wanted intermittent sex, one day off together in a year so we could have some nice memories together somewhere new, and someone who wanted to talk about the future and be excited not scared about it. Someone who was willing and interested in meeting my family and friends and not so busy that I was far down the priority list. I didn’t want his attention 24/7. Despite how I come across here i have a really really full on job, I have lots of friends and I can entertain myself. But I wanted a partnership, someone I could rely on and he could on me. It was like drawing blood from a stone a lot of the time. He didn’t want to be vulnerable with me in any sense. Constantly told me he had things coming up that would limit his time etc. I’ve never known anything like it before even when I was 20 and in a relationship it felt more committed.

He sounds very very very demand-avoidant. It’s like he can’t help not doing stuff.

This is his problem though. He isn’t going to change though.

he just kept saying he found the relationship hard to juggle with everything else and he loved me and thought we had something special but he needed to reflect.

OP he fobbed you off, dangling keywords in the hope you'll now put the effort into getting him back, so then he's got this power of "so we're clear, this is all you're getting from me, and you know what happens if you dare to question that, now you need to make it up to me for having the audacity to question my unacceptable behaviour"

Basically what he means is now I’m gone his life is easier.

But OP, not because of you. The only thing easier in his life now is that he hasn't got to keep on top of all the lies he's telling. He hasn't got to keep making pathetic excuses. He hasn't got to keep inventing reasons he can't just take one day off.

That's nothing to do with you personally. That would be to whoever it was he was merrily leading on.

I think you need to get out of your head the few trivial things he's done and the merit you give them. You're not objective at all.

Imagine I said to you, "my boyfriend lies that he can't take one day holiday from work to spend with me, he makes excuses not to go away together, he pretends I can't meet any of his family, he pretends he wants to have sex with me, and is horrible to me if I ask why he does all this..... But on the 8th of August he said I was the love of his life and when I was sick in June, he made me a sandwich and brought me a magazine, so imagine my loss if I wasn't with him"

I can't understand your self esteem. I mean I understand what you are saying and describing, I can't understand how it must make you feel. I can promise you, the morsels this man is throwing you just to keep you hanging on, are not what a relationship is. Do you think he hasn't clocked your low self esteem? Believe me, it's what he's thriving on. The swine wouldn't be able to pull this shit on most people. He's literally exploiting your vulnerability.

I know you'll read that and think I'm irritated at you, because that's how you interpret so much of this thread. Let me be really clear, OP, I'd give you a hug if I could. Any anger or frustration you're picking up on throughout this thread is not at you, it's at this man and what he's done to you. We can see you can't see it. And what makes us angry is he's capitalising on the fact you can't see it and trying to drag you down even more. Please know he is gaslighting you. And he's not doing that accidentally. But drops in "love you" enough to keep the act going. What kind of sick person does that.

You've done the best thing by getting away. He's expecting you to come crawling back to him, just so you know. Apologising for what you've "done" by exposing what he is. Please keep strong

@abersterol

I did love him though *@ChargingBuck* I loved lots of things about him it was just so hard to be in a relationship with him. He would often say ‘sorry I know I’m difficult.’ I just wanted intermittent sex, one day off together in a year so we could have some nice memories together somewhere new, and someone who wanted to talk about the future and be excited not scared about it. Someone who was willing and interested in meeting my family and friends and not so busy that I was far down the priority list. I didn’t want his attention 24/7. Despite how I come across here i have a really really full on job, I have lots of friends and I can entertain myself. But I wanted a partnership, someone I could rely on and he could on me. It was like drawing blood from a stone a lot of the time. He didn’t want to be vulnerable with me in any sense. Constantly told me he had things coming up that would limit his time etc. I’ve never known anything like it before even when I was 20 and in a relationship it felt more committed.

The learning from this is that you tried too hard for too long in a totally futile situation.

You were like a dog with a bone - totally oblivious to what was actually happening in from of your eyes but intent on assuming lots of things that suited your vision.

Be like everyone else look at the actions - give it a max of a few weeks and then know it’s pointless.

It was only you who chose to waste a precious year of your life. You need to take responsibility for what you did wrong here - stayed too long, expected someone to change, didn’t pay attention to the facts and actions and lived your own fantasy and delusion that this “situationship” was a the foundation of a great relationship when there was ZERO evidence.

You sound a bit fixated and rigid in your thinking - how are in other areas of your life? How flexible are you and how well do you adapt?

Why do you need a partnership for someone to rely on, or them on you? Emotionally? What do you mean by that? Most people in their 30s and onwards, I'd hope have created lives (and it sounds you have in other areas of life) where relationships are an 'add' on not the 'be all'.

You want the fairy tale life script...other then self esteem issues which are being discussed with your therapist.

Why are you so invested in having a relationship? You won't consider solo parenting so you will in that case continue to seek out a relationship... Would it make it better with your peers if you were married? That you're on an even keel?

You could still be in this relationship if you were happy to accept all he had to offer - no sex, no meeting of family, no nights away, no children, no future.

That wasn’t on offer.

So you should have walked rather than keep on begging.

What is your relationship history? Have you been in a situation like this before??

This relationship will have had a negative effect on your self esteem issues.
Believe me, I know, get out before it damages you further. He has his own very deep issues that he will not acknowledge hence him originally reassuring you of his affection and making vague future promises, that he would not/could not forfil.
I was married to, and lived with someone like this for 14 months. 14 months of questioning myself, my self confidence, my attractiveness, whether or not I was cruel because occasionally my frustration bubbled over. I was sexually frustrated, and at the time was so hurt that he didn't appear to want to be intimate with me.
Whatever his issues are OP they are not yours, so stop dwelling on them, and wasting your time, your life.
The love you feel/felt can fade awfully quickly if there's no effort on his part to give you what you, reasonably, need.

I think I just wonder what I could have done better. Why I wasn’t enough. And I wish I hadn’t been so cruel saying he needed to address these issues etc. Maybe I was too much/too intense.

You weren't not enough. He's the one who isint enough.

It isn't cruel to want to have sex with your partner. A year in you should be ripping each others clothes off. He is the cruel one for future faking and deliberately stringing you along. He is not a good man, or a nice man. He is not good enough for you. You couldn't have done anything 'better.' You could have twisted yourself into a pretzel and this man would still not have been happy.

The things you have asked for are the basic components of any sort of happy relationship. This man cannot meet your very reasonable requests. You will never be happy with this man. I really hope your therapy can help you unpick why you think your own needs and requirements are so unimportant. You matter and you are far far too good for this horrible man

Excellent post @CrumpetStrumpet

@abersterol

I think I just wonder what I could have done better. Why I wasn’t enough. And I wish I hadn’t been so cruel saying he needed to address these issues etc. Maybe I was too much/too intense.

OP, you're just ruminating now. Read your last post where you describe very clearly why he wasn't right for you. Have you spoken to your therapist since? When is your next session? You're obv self aware enough to know your issues. I would suggest scheduling an emergency session if you're really struggling or go throw yourself into a sport/hobby/activity. This wallowing is a bit self indulgent now ( I say this kindly but to snap you out of it). You can have a good relationship in the future but only if you put in the work and follow the advice of your therapist to re-frame problems.

Stop trying to make the relationship more than it was - that is just a fantasy you had for it. You ignored all the evidence and the reality, built a fairy tale and are now mourning a fairy tale.

@CrumpetStrumpet

You weren't not enough. He's the one who isint enough.

It isn't cruel to want to have sex with your partner. A year in you should be ripping each others clothes off. He is the cruel one for future faking and deliberately stringing you along. He is not a good man, or a nice man. He is not good enough for you. You couldn't have done anything 'better.' You could have twisted yourself into a pretzel and this man would still not have been happy.

The things you have asked for are the basic components of any sort of happy relationship. This man cannot meet your very reasonable requests. You will never be happy with this man. I really hope your therapy can help you unpick why you think your own needs and requirements are so unimportant. You matter and you are far far too good for this horrible man

@CrumpetStrumpet thank you. I do feel he said one thing then acted in another. I was so patient about sex, I told him it wasn’t high on my agenda (it isn’t) but that a relationship entirely without it wasn’t going to work for me and I wanted to share that from time to time. He said he felt the same, that he was clearly attracted to me and physically I must know that (happy with oral etc). So I believed him. He always had a reason, in summer it was because work was late nights and he wanted to take it seriously with me and wanted the right moment. So I believed him and waited, didn’t put pressure or question him, all the while we were intimate in other ways. Similarly, I showed him a B and B online and he said it looked lovely and he would love to go but it would need to be after summer. October arrived and I started getting fed up and annoyed. There was always an excuse, a reason on that day he didn’t want sex or a reason that week he couldn’t organise a day off. I even got to the point where I said let’s go away for a night on a Saturday then. He said he couldn’t do that either at the moment, no real reason. I rationalised that I was being unfair, we are lucky to be able to even have a night away with no money worries and maybe I should just forget it. So I tried. Then I would lie in bed wondering why we could do it but we weren’t. I would wonder why he hadn’t taken up my suggestion of going to my best friend’s for dinner (she first invited us in June) and we had never got round to it. I wondered why he wasn’t interested (or didn’t seem interested) in meeting my family. It was all hurting me. I got cross and frustrated.

He never seemed a bad man until he withdrew completely when I snapped. I found that quite cruel. It was like the moment I called him out he chose to withdraw affection rather than work on it together. That hurt me and shocked me a lot.

Sorry for writing it all out again. It helps to talk on here. I’m terrible mentally with things like this.

@todaysdilemma yes it definitely was a fairytale. I don’t think he had any intention of us being anything significant.

It’s not you and it’s nothing you’ve done. You just couldn’t tolerate his nudging you away anymore. What you said to him when you were cross is the most honest you’ve been. Apart from that you’ve been so accommodating that you’ve been dishonest about what you want. He’s just not right for you! He obviously struggles terribly with the idea of commitment, changes in routines, arranging things, surprises etc and you’re asking him to push himself to get over those fears. Prob has ocd / social anxiety etc
He’s used the strategy of kicking the can down the road to appease you by saying later later in the future but it’s just been a way of putting you off! Ultimately he’s not ‘well’ enough to do what you’re asking him to do. He’s told you that now push has come to shove and there’s really nothing more to know. He lied about what he was able to do with you, maybe not maliciously, but he wasn’t able to do the alternative which is to go through with these things that are part of normal relationships, so he pretended he would in the future. The future has arrived and he still can’t do them. He really isn’t going to change.

Please, for your sake, for your sanity, please STOP.

You are causing more and more damage to yourself. You cannot resolve this by continuing to ruminate about this man and his motives.

Sorry for writing it all out again. It helps to talk on here. I’m terrible mentally with things like this.

If writing it out helps you - keep writing! You have nothing to apologise for.
& you're not terrible mentally with things like this. Your 14:08 update is a model of clarity.

If you re-read your own thread, you'd see for yourself how your mental processes are coming together & your resilience is increasing. Every step you take toward independence is a step that increases your strength. Look at how resolute you were, getting to the beach house & the dealing with the long drive you had felt daunted by. Dealing with solitude.
Realising that - actually - you do have a full life, with good friends & a compelling career, & aspirations for travel & fun. And that this man is never going to be a part of those aspirations.

Your acknowledgement of the 'fairy tale' aspect is also encouraging.
You have hung a lot of intense feeling onto this situationship - feeling that was unwarranted.
He never offered you what you could reasonably expect from a relationship - he just breadcrumbed you with enough key words to get you to back off, but stay around to accept his imposed status quo.
You haven't even really spent a huge amount of time with him - a year of dating, meeting up a couple of times a week?
He makes you second-guess & doubt yourself, & that is not good news for anyone - let alone someone introspective & prone to overthinking (no criticism here, that's a character trait, not a moral failing. But I am concerned by how much of your overthinking is directed at being cruelly critical to yourself).

I hope you are enjoying the beach house, & the peacefulness of not having to deal with your b/f through the maze of cognitive dissonance he creates in you. Every time you do something like this - just for yourself - you are building yourself up. Proving to yourself that yeah - you don't only 'cope' on your own, you can thrive.
If you can keep generating that mindset, think what a productive & freeing year you could spend, working on the causes of your self-esteem issue, & learning how to stop limiting yourself with constant negative self-talk, or allowing yourself to get hooked up with men who are no good for you.

You are a smart, sensitive woman, & you deserve to like yourself & advocate for your own best interests. Hope you are having some sunshine today & enjoying the fresh air :) xx

OP, in a real nutshell.

Half of us think he's got a double life. Half of us think he's got other issues. Actually, this is not important.

But 100% of us can see it's not you that caused this to fail.

You can spend forever asking why. Your self esteem immediately tells you, it must be you. Fifty people with no bias at all are telling you otherwise. Listen.

Keep working on you and forget about him and his empty promises.

Can you see yourself just how more and more clear this is all becoming to you now and how it has been him and not you?

All of this progress only after a couple of days alone. Its a tiny snippet of the progress that's coming your way when you finally cut that rope.
A huge weight is waiting to be taken off you. You just need to let it go.

@FlowerArranger

Please, for your sake, for your sanity, please STOP.

You are causing more and more damage to yourself. You cannot resolve this by continuing to ruminate about this man and his motives.

How many times are posters going to tell you that it isn't heathy or productive ruminating over and over.

Maybe you need to discuss this with someone in real life because you're not coping with the reality of your situation.