Have i just been an idiot and destroyed things?

[abersterol]

A year ago today I met the man I am currently with. He’s 39, I was 35 last week. When we met I was very clear I wanted to settle down and have a family. He said the same. He has a job that means he works 7am to usually half 8 (this is relevant I think).

In short, we’ve had brief sex twice, both times for about two minutes and then he stops. We’ve had other intimacy, he goes down on me and I on him, he’s hard when we kiss and he’s into cuddling and is quite affectionate that way. I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant to have proper full sex (we’ve done it twice and the last time was in may). I’ve asked him literally everything I could think of, gone through all the possible anxieties, worries or concerns he may have from sti to performance and everything in between. I’ve sat and held his hand and said whatever the issue is I’m here to work through it with him. I’ve also asked outright if he just doesn’t like sex. His answer is always the same: he wants sex, he wants that with me, he doesn’t have a reason why we haven’t developed that side to the relationship and he can’t promise me when we will do it but he knows he wants to at some point. So what happens is I leave it, a week or two, then obviously we do other things and he ejaculates with a blow job and things carry on, but I start feeling upset about the fact there’s no progress with sex and no answer as to why we are no doing it. He recently told me the last time he did have sex was 7 years ago. He’s not had a relationship for a long time and the longest has been much shorter than ours at a few weeks/months. I wondered if he was worried about performance but I’ve asked sensitively about that too and he says not.

That’s issue one.

Issue two is that since June I’ve been trying to book a short break from Saturday to Monday, to go away for a long weekend together. He’s not keen on taking time off/started a new job recently so said he doesn’t know if he can etc. I’ve said it’s just one day of annual leave. He’s said he can’t go abroad or go far as he just doesn’t want to do that right now with work. I’m not exactly sure why as his colleagues go away and they’re in the same role but he seems to find it all stressful. Eventually he agreed to ask to take a Monday off in October and so I booked somewhere an hour away, just for a change of scenery. It turns out he didn’t ask work/couldn’t take it off in the end. He’s not suggested another weekend or even said let’s just have a night away on a Saturday instead which I would have thought was a compromise. I know this is a bit of a first world problem and if the relationship is good then maybe I should stop complaining about something like this, but I guess it had upset me he didn’t want to find any extra time to share together. Again with this I was very patient, he said he did want to go away but didn’t know when etc etc. So I emailed him some dates and hotels and asked which he liked. He said he liked one of them and so I said I would provisionally book. Then he makes zero steps to organise it with his work or suggest an alternative. It makes me feel a bit messed around.

All this came to a head a few nights ago. We’d had a nice meal and come home and were watching a film, kissing etc. I suggested sex and he just stopped and shook his head. I asked why and he shook his head and didn’t answer. I got really upset. Said we’d had a nice night, if you want sex like you’ve said then why aren’t you doing that… it escalated.

I said it wasn’t normal to say you want sex and then not do it. I said he was weird for not wanting to go away together and do something nice and that most normal people in an adult relationship would appreciate me taking time to fit in with them and find somewhere nice to go for a two night break once in a year. I said he was selfish for not listening to me or compromising, said he was making me miserable and why couldn’t he at least understand that as a couple he should be honest and if he wants us to be together he needs to understand that you have to compromise. I said it was obvious why he had never had a relationship before. I said he was a bastard for playing games (no idea if he is but it felt that way). I asked him if he just wanted to break up because I couldn’t understand why he would treat me this way. I also raised the fact that in summer he would only see me briefly on a Sunday night for a few weeks and wouldn’t go for a meal or do anything as he had an interview coming up. It was a huge interview to be fair to him but I found it all a bit odd and extreme and said it was hurtful at the time.

He got upset and then defensive, said he does compromise to be with me because he spends all his free time with me outside work …that is mostly true he does but I said that’s not compromising, that’s just having the relationship. He said he would usually work later than he does it it wasn’t for me, so therefore it was a compromise

It ended with him saying I clearly thought he was inadequate and therefore he couldn’t meet my needs and I had been horrible to him and that changed how he felt now.

We had some breathing space and reconvened when calmed down but even then he was reluctant to actually talk about things rationally. He didn’t say much and I still have no idea when he wants sex other than he told me that the last two weeks he was too tired after work. He didn’t explain the last 11 months though.

Aside from these things we have had a lovely relationship. I do love him. He’s said the same to me. We’ve had some lovely times and I honestly thought he was the person I would be with.

Have I ruined it this by flying off the handle and saying horrible things in anger? I feel terrible and he is saying he questions the whole relationship after how I snapped. I am conflicted because I know I have been so patient and loving and kind in the past about these things. I’ve told him i support him and there’s no pressure and I’ve generally tried to be lighthearted about trips away and sex but obviously have mentioned it intermittently as time has gone on. He’s a nice person but his reaction to my outburst seems to be to ignore why it happened and to have a reason to withdraw further rather than sitting down together and having a chat about how we can work on things. Have i messed this all up? I also feel desperately sad at the thought of starting again at this age. It scares me. I probably sound pathetic here but IRL I have a good job and I’m usually quite together and positive :(

Abused
Asexual
Asperger’s

Whatever it is, he is not making you happy. For a serious relationship to go forward you need to be feeling joyful about your emotional, sexual and friendship needs within the relationship. However good it is when he cared for you when you are ill, hopefully you will not be ill enough to make this the key strength of your relationship!

There is a huge gap in your happiness in this relationship. So….

Op you are getting too bogged down with the detail and trying to be universally liked by everyone even if you think you should dump them.

Look at the bigger picture - he’s a gaslighting idiot. It doesn’t matter if you end the relationship and he thinks you’re a shit or an angel.
Just dump him and say to yourself (or him) , you want a relationship where you have conversation, sex and holidays.

Have you found your stay at the beach house helpful, has it helped clear your mind a bit? @abersterol

@altiara I know you are right. I don’t know why it bothers me so much how it’s left.

@TheChip I feel calmer. I just keep thinking maybe eventually he would want sex (we did do it briefly twice but it was just a few thrusts then he stopped). I wonder if im being hasty but then I think it’s not just that, it’s how he doesn’t seem to understand that it needs to be talked about and resolved, not swept under the carpet all the time. Then there’s the idea of having even 24 hours away together and how’s that’s also traumatic for him apparently. He’s always been very structured with time, I don’t think we had a full day together for about 5 months. It was always seeing each other Saturday eve and then staying until Sunday eve when he would want to get back to doing his work. The thing I find so upsetting is that I’ve always supported him, so I actually had no issue with him working lots. But I have a really really full on job (at least similar to his objectively on the stress front) and I would get up an hour earlier to finish work, for instance, rather than letting it take up time I would have with him. I’m not saying he should do that because I do it but just across the board it’s like he believes he’s compromising by physically being with me but doesn’t see that’s not actually changing anything in his life for the relationship, that’s just being present for the relationship

I know on some level that none of it is normal but I also have very deep seated low self worth. The posters here getting irritated that I haven’t ‘just dumped him already’ are lucky they don’t struggle with that as I can tell you it’s very debilitating and makes these things that seem simple very hard to do.

Thanks for checking in, I’m all at sea to be honest (pardon the pun!)

It sounds like the break has done you the world of good!

Theres a difference in your post here to your previous ones. You're not defending him anymore and can see yourself how reasonable you actually have been, and how unreasonable he has been.
Honestly, that's huge progress from when you first started the thread!
Youre getting there and finding your strength to trust yourself on making the right decision.

I understand its difficult. It sounds very similar to my anxiety. Weighing up both sides, but neither side feels like the right option. Even when you can see the right one, that "what if" creeps in and makes you doubt everything.

The irritation from posters is because they know you deserve better. Use it to help give you strength

I agree with Chip, you sound much more resolute & self-determining already.

It's not a case of a simple switch that you can press that takes you from "trapped in an awful situationship" to "free as a happily singing bird" in an instant.
If only there were! - but the reality is that it is more usually a series of faltering steps, which get stronger & more definite as your resilience increases.

I like what you said about your self worth. Recognising that, & using your therapy to get to the root of its causes, is how you will deal with this episode in your life ... & learn so much about yourself in the process. This man will never make you happy. You owe him nothing, He is an active drain & impediment to you living a fulfilling life.

I suspect you may even use your focus on this inadequate man as a shield to prevent you from examining your own self-restrictions & poor self-esteem. This btw is NOT a criticism! - it's what commonly happens in dysfunctional enmeshed/enabling relationships.

Once you fully accept that your own growth is far more important than pandering to this ridiculous man, you will be amazed at how free & content you can feel - solo, or in a new relationship one day.

I also have very deep seated low self worth. The posters here getting irritated that I haven’t ‘just dumped him already’ are lucky they don’t struggle with that as I can tell you it’s very debilitating and makes these things that seem simple very hard to do

It is a horrible truth that those who do struggle with low self esteem and lack of self worth are most likely to find themselves in the very situations that undermine them even further…because the debilitating nature of self worth makes it, as you say, harder to rescue yourself.

And the problem here is exactly that. You have attached yourself to a man who does not prioritise you, does not prioritise managing his workload in order to spend time with you, and is not able to be honest about the failure of your sex life.

And if all things, your Dec with him should make you feel sexy, desired, wanted, give you a boost.

The longer you stay with him the lower your self worth will sink. And the harder it will be to rescue yourself.

Everyone here is on your side, wanting to see that rescue. But sadly we can’t do it for you.

Good luck, OP, finding the life you deserve.

There is a difference between having low self worth and refusing to take responsibility for your own actions and a difference between low self worth and poor cognitive function.

You need to create a structure for your thoughts and a set of beliefs and values which are solid.

This takes time but the circular thinking here is quite remarkable as is the use of excuses and the indulgence you give your feelings over and above the wisdom and patience many posters have offered.

I've had about 50-75 hours of CBT and i still don't know what this psychobabble codswallop means.

*There is a difference between having low self worth and refusing to take responsibility for your own actions and a difference between low self worth and poor cognitive function.

You need to create a structure for your thoughts and a set of beliefs and values which are solid.

This takes time but the circular thinking here is quite remarkable as is the use of excuses and the indulgence you give your feelings over and above the wisdom and patience many posters have offered.*

I want to be strong about it I’m just scared of making the wrong decision and being left with nothing. My default is to blame myself and wonder what I could have done better or differently. Then I feel annoyed that he’s led me to believe he wanted a serious future with someone (said he wanted marriage/kids from date one). If I had known he would later tell me he didn’t want to properly settle down with a family until he was 43/44 then I would obviously not have pursed it like I did. Similarly if I had known he struggled with sex or leaving the house longer than 24 hours then I wouldn’t have pursed it either. He gave the opposite impression, not no impression, but the opposite.

A lot of this is crushing disappointment as I genuinely thought he was the right one for me. I’m also wallowing a bit in self pity I suppose. It was nice having him in my life to talk with and share things with, someone to support me and vice versa. That’s what I will miss most.

The thing is you can find someone else to share all that with. But not while you're with him.

Why did you think he was the right one for you?

There was no objective evidence (ie his actions / actual facts) for your assumption?

Or wishful / magical / hopeful thinking.

It never happened and the “potential” was all in your head / fantasy / imagination

@DFOD we got on so well and he said he wanted the same things I did. I thought he wanted to settle down and was ready for a relationship, ready to prioritise it. I didn’t expect him to not want sex, never want to go away even for a day, or to be reluctant to meet my family. All things he says he wants to do, all the time, but never actually does.

But the actions aren’t / weren’t there you waited a whole year for no sex / no meeting family / no day away ….. he didn’t want the same things as you because he didn’t do them

@DFOD I just assumed that he was trying and kept waiting. He always had an excuse like he was tired or busy or it was too late or too short notice etc. Then as time went on I felt more aggrieved. I just need to fucking get over it. Why can’t I.

Cognitive dissonance. That’s what you’re experiencing

"A lot of this is crushing disappointment as I genuinely thought he was the right one for me. I’m also wallowing a bit in self pity I suppose. It was nice having him in my life to talk with and share things with, someone to support me and vice versa. That’s what I will miss most."

Most people will provide reasonable company, someone to talk with and share things with, including providing support. You won't struggle to find that again.

You're still feeling regretful over this non relationship though?

[quote abersterol]@DFOD I just assumed that he was trying and kept waiting. He always had an excuse like he was tired or busy or it was too late or too short notice etc. Then as time went on I felt more aggrieved. I just need to fucking get over it. Why can’t I.[/quote]
You can and you will.

How would you feel about sending a text that says "this isn't working for me anymore"

@Scrollonthroughtherain

I've had about 50-75 hours of CBT and i still don't know what this psychobabble codswallop means.

*There is a difference between having low self worth and refusing to take responsibility for your own actions and a difference between low self worth and poor cognitive function.

You need to create a structure for your thoughts and a set of beliefs and values which are solid.

This takes time but the circular thinking here is quite remarkable as is the use of excuses and the indulgence you give your feelings over and above the wisdom and patience many posters have offered.*

I actually thought @Yummypumpkin provided one of the most perceptive explanations of why the OP is stuck in this dysfunctional relationship and is unable and/or unwilling to do what she needs to do - which is to dump this inadequate, manipulative, sorry excuse for a man.

OP has acknowledged that she has low self worth.
She is avoiding what she needs to do, instead hoping that he will miraculously see the light and become the man she wants him to be.
She keeps thinking up new reasons for why he is or isn't doing what she is pining for. Literally going in circles.

And all this is happening because she does not have a strong sense of who she is, what she is worth, and what she needs to do to create an inner life which is more important than the shitty 'real' life to which she has condemned herself by putting all her hopes all her longings on someone who isn't worthy of her.

@Mum2021askingquestion

Are his initials DP? This is achingly similar to a friend's relationship ten years ago

Are his initials MB?

I've mainly read OP's comments and just quickly skimmed through the rest, but I can see that quite a few people have mentioned autism. I have to say, that was my initial thought and that feeling has been strengthened the more you describe him.

It's never a good idea to assume someone is autistic, and people are right when they say that in a way it really doesn't matter because the truth is that you're just not a good fit.

But I see it a bit differently - and that's maybe because I'm autistic myself.

If he is autistic, then he's not necessarily being deliberately cruel or unkind. Maybe he does care for you deeply and did mean everything that he said. Knowing that his difficulties are due to a neurodiversity might be helpful. He's done his best, but he can't fulfil your emotional or physical needs. That's very sad, but you can part with a clear conscience and no regrets because he won't suddenly be able to change. I mean, autistic people can still be arseholes obviously. They're not mutually exclusive. But if you're struggling to see him as cruel and horrible as some PP have described him, maybe it would be helpful to see that maybe he's a decent guy who really has tried but ultimately just can't fulfil the needs of a relationship however much he wants to.

There's a thread on here somewhere about having an autistic partner - it might be a helpful read and give you some perspective? (I haven't actually read the thread myself as I know that as an autistic person I'll find it too difficult not to take offence, even though it's not intended.) So I don't actually know the content but might be worth a look? Just might help you to accept that being with him isn't the life you want and hope for, and that it's time to gently move on.

I think we should show the OP some sympathy. 35 is not a great age to be starting again, particularly if you (incorrectly) thought you'd found the right man. I totally understand why people hold onto bad situations just because its a less scary option than letting go. That said, 35 is a better age to be starting again than 39, so the sooner the better for the OP. But please show some understanding?

@Coffeepot72

I think we should show the OP some sympathy. 35 is not a great age to be starting again, particularly if you (incorrectly) thought you'd found the right man. I totally understand why people hold onto bad situations just because its a less scary option than letting go. That said, 35 is a better age to be starting again than 39, so the sooner the better for the OP. But please show some understanding?

Posters have shown Op plenty of understanding. 20 pages of it mostly. She's doing the classic mid 30s woman behaviour - desperately holding on to a really substandard relationship because she is afraid.

I've advised her to get her fertility checked out/consider solo parenting...other posters have advised that she should start counseling/therapy (which I believe she has now)/date again when she's feeling better...she is desperately holding on to the 'life script' of met a man at the 11th hour/moved in/got married/children.
She wouldn't have touched this man in her 20s probably - I said this before - but in her mid 30s is full of regret/bitter that things haven't panned out the way she'd hoped, so she's clinging in desperation ....

It's frustrating seeing the same advice given over and over...

Thanks @Coffeepot72 I don’t think people understand the depth of the fear but also probably don’t have the same low self esteem as me so it makes things very hard.

The worst thing I do is question myself and blame myself. If I felt I had been perfect and done no wrong then I could probably move on easier. It’s the idea that I’ve ruined things that tears me up.

When I spoke to him and said I didn’t know how we could move forward if he’s reluctant to engage with me on things he just kept saying he found the relationship hard to juggle with everything else and he loved me and thought we had something special but he needed to reflect. Basically what he means is now I’m gone his life is easier.