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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
whycantwegoonasthree · 02/10/2021 23:57

Although, I don't think it will blow over... I think this relationship has changed the game for your partner, and you need to renegotiate.

And you need not to forget there is a third person involved here too.

And she gets a say. You may not like it, but she does, and she should. She's not an object, she's a person with feelings. And she's not to blame here.

CharlotteRose90 · 02/10/2021 23:58

Have you posted this before? This is the exact same story and wording of a thread from a year or 2 ago especially your last reply saying you want to stay together etc. If it was you then follow that advice and Let him be with her.

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 03/10/2021 00:01

Can you link to that thread, @CharlotteRose90 ? I would very much like to read it

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/10/2021 00:01

From what I know of other open marriages was that there were firm boundaries in place such as, never staying overnight and never seeing the same person more than once, in other words one night stands were allowed. It sounds to me that you didn't think it through and you gave your DH carte blanche to do what he wanted and have affairs effectively. If he wants to save your marriage he needs to give up this OW otherwise you call time and file for divorce. So sorry OP, he doesn't deserve you.

CharlotteRose90 · 03/10/2021 00:03

@PhillyQueen

Can you link to that thread, *@CharlotteRose90* ? I would very much like to read it
Sorry I can’t but if you go back you should be able to find it. It was almost word to word what yours is.
Original poster
PhillyQueen · 03/10/2021 00:03

I think she has a partner or husband from her social media but I am not sure, there is no relationship status visible but there is a man of similar age in a lot of her photos, not that she posts often, it could be an old relationship. I have not asked DH about her personal situation because I really am scared if I find out she is single.

OP posts:
Original poster
PhillyQueen · 03/10/2021 00:04

@CharlotteRose90 Thanks, I will search for it.

OP posts:
ShrillSiren · 03/10/2021 00:05

He's not just sleeping with her, he's dating her. This isn't going to end well.

Staryflight445 · 03/10/2021 00:08

He isn’t respecting you feeling uncomfortable about this.
Please op, you live one life and this is it. Don’t waste it like this, your children would be absolutely horrified for you.

OhDearMuriel · 03/10/2021 00:10

You’ve lost him.
Even if they do eventually split up, do you think he’ll magically fall back in love with you or settle back into what you both had before he met her?

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 03/10/2021 00:13

The agreement was just sex, no dating (other than maybe an initial meeting) and no overnights. I didn’t demand this, this is what DH came up with and I agreed to it. It was a relief in some ways because I think the alternative for him was ending the marriage and I was happy we had found a way through. It never impinged on our life before now but now I cannot ignore it.

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 03/10/2021 00:14

While I won't say that open marriages always fail (I know one that has been going strong for almost 30 years, and two group marriages that have been going on since the late 60s), they very frequently do, and it generally happens in situations like yours, where wants and needs are very unequal. Unfortunately, you are not interested in the physical side of the relationship. That's who you are. He is, that is who he is. He has, unfortunately for you, found someone who is interested in a full relationship.

For your own sanity, I would let him go...and do so with all of the love and good grace you can muster. Then get on with your life. There actually are people out there who are looking for just companionship. That would be your ideal.

MissCruellaDeVil · 03/10/2021 00:15

I think sadly it's probably time for divorce proceedings. Unfortunately open marriages don't tend to work. I hope you have plenty of people around to support you OP.

GreenTeaPingPong · 03/10/2021 00:17

Wow, this is the Relationships board, not AIBU, some replies have been pretty heartless and insensitive. How dare you not want to have sex? It's like people who post, why did you have kids with him. Not helpful.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position OP. He didn't keep to his side of the bargain (that he suggested). I think you need to end things, for your own self-esteem. It must be very painful to be around him. Flowers

altmember · 03/10/2021 00:18

@whycantwegoonasthree

I've a couple of responses to a lot of the posters here:

1 - Ultimatums are only really a good idea if you've got nothing to lose. Sounds to me like the OP has a lot she'd like to keep.

2 - Ultimatums are no substitute for communication. Why bypass the talking that could find a better alternative than A or Z?

Sounds like you've been together a long time OP, and care for each other. It doesn't strike me that an ultimatum honours that.

Ultimatums are the last resort of people who've already lost. And unfortunately the OP already has, but an ultimatum won't work.

Forget this new woman for a moment, you're asking him to chose between staying in a sexless marriage with you or leaving to find someone he's sexually compatible with. He would probably have chosen that back along if you'd not given him the go ahead for an open marriage then. And he'll definitely choose it now, now that he's got an active sex life back.

I think the marriage is already over, the only question is whether they can wind it up amicably and with dignity.

RiverSkater · 03/10/2021 00:22

I think your DH has violated the terms of your agreement by telling you all this stuff about his dinners, walks and feelings and shopping for lingerie. He's falling in love and telling you all about it.

That's why he's a shit. He must know how it will make you feel. I'd leave him for that alone. He doesn't care enough about you and your feelings.

This is not a man you want to enter old age with or retire or travel. He's on a different page and bloody loving it.

See him for who he really is. You need to have a long hard think about what you want. Maybe some counselling will help you.

Onthedunes · 03/10/2021 00:30

So why did Tom Jones stay with his wife, there are many other reasons for staying together other than sex.

Maybe he will throw the towel in and want to divorce but I think this situation is a little more complicated than as the pp said throwing ultimatums.

I also think there have been many cruel comments on here, not called for towards a woman who is clearly devasted.

Moretodo · 03/10/2021 00:35

You could just wait it out.
It may blow over, and one or both of them grow out of it.
It is novel at the moment.

As we know, many marriages end in divorce, and second marriages more so.

I think if you offer resistance it might make it more of a thing than it is.
You could get some therapy in the interim to support you and start working on yourself.

A friend of mine (different culture) found out her DH was playing away and she said there was no way she would give up her marriage / investment to someone else!

The betrayal didn't seem to affect her in the same way as it might affect us as the cultural loading was different.

You could just try to make peace with it and protect yourself financially.

If it is making you crazy, do seek a split. Put your own health first.

Viviennemary · 03/10/2021 00:40

There is no such thing as an agreement about an open marriage. The agreement was when you got married. So the other agreement is totally pointless. Logically.

Macaroni46 · 03/10/2021 00:43

Tbh honest OP I think it's you who's having their cake and eating it.
You didn't want to have sex any more and have admitted it's not important to you (which is your prerogative) BUT you expected your DH to be satisfied with just casual sex. For many people, sex is a vital component of an intimate and loving relationship ie marriage.
I'm actually quite pleased to read that he's formed a relationship with the OW as it shows that for him, sex is not just a physical act.
I think you're clinging on to your 'marriage' because you like your lifestyle, security and the outward image of being married when in reality it's not been a marriage for a very long time.
Let him go OP. Let him go with grace and dignity and build yourself a new life.

MsDogLady · 03/10/2021 00:47

We really so work well together as a unit…

I am so sorry, but in my opinion, your ‘unit’ is no longer sustainable. How on earth can you function as before when he is in love with this woman and is proclaiming how happy she makes him? She is now his primary emotional relationship.

It sounds like he is dismissing your distress and expects you to suck it up and play the happy family while he publicly romances and builds further intimacy with his new love. I would never diminish and torture myself by staying in such a toxic situation.

It is very possible that they will want to be together officially at some point. Even if not, please don’t stay and suffer. Consider seeking counseling and formulating an exit plan. Flowers

BurningBright7 · 03/10/2021 00:49

I say this kindly, I suggest preparing the separation process (finances, legal docs etc); basically get your ducks in a row. This way you can exit with dignity intact at the time of your choosing. Your future plans of travelling and retirement with each other are not gelling with your partners actions. Let him go, and if you are such great partners, you can still have those things with him ( if he chooses you) but at least it will open your eyes to what is happening to you right now .

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 03/10/2021 00:53

Why are you so against divorce? Why try and do everything else rather then just end it?

walkinonsunshine · 03/10/2021 00:58

My heart breaks for you philly I hope it works out for you

lilmishap · 03/10/2021 01:04

I don't understand how you thought sex with other women wouldn't involve romance? Romance and sex go together for most people. I can't really see the point in being romantic with someone you're not having sex with.

I also don't understand why you're upset about the romance being a change of the terms when he only began having this sex because you changed the terms of his marriage?

You can't insist that he lives happily as if he was your brother when he entered into the marriage as your husband.

Regardless of how convenient it would be for you to have him in the house through your retirement, he has fallen in love with someone else.

A sexless marriage is lonely as hell if you aren't on board with it and he wasn't. He's been unhappy and you seem to have missed it yet he still did his best by you.
Let him go.