Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

I can't imagine what you'd say to her either. It would be the most awkward or awkward conversations.
Op, Eh how's is going, is my husband good in bed?
OW, Yeah he's great, we should try a 3 some😬

Maybe not,

I suspect the answer to “are you going to steal my husband” would be, at this stage, “I don’t know yet”

People can’t be stolen. And effectively, you’ve let him go…. I feel for you, I really do - you can hear the pain in your posts. But you surely can’t think things will just revert to the status quo on any scenario?

I don't see it fizzling out, I'm afraid. It might burn out. But it won't fizzle.

She's gorgeous, younger, bright, fun to be with, and - most importantly - elusive. She's married. She is mysterious on social media. He can't get his fill of her. She's unattainable.

That's not a recipe for fizzling.

I suspect you won't get past asking for her number with your DH. His reaction will tell you if he is being truthful!

I know of one situation where this setup was in place and the OW and wife actually had lunch together once. I knew the OW and she said they actually got on really well.

Look, if you really are trying to make this situation okay then I think you need to be more pragmatic. Get passed feeling embarrassed and own the situation you are willing to sign up to. Putting your head in the sand and hoping it will go away is not going to work.

In your shoes and assuming I really was okay with an open marriage, I'd talk to her and tell her that since she is being introduced to mutual friends then it's better that you know who she is first so as to avoid embarrassment.

People who have made conscious choices generally don't feel that embarrassed because they are okay with the situation ( think of swinger parties or throuples living together). They are comfortable in the decision they have made.

The big elephant in the room though is that deep down you're not really okay with this situation.

@FWBNC how do you figure that one out? I would almost guarantee he would rather leave and start a new life with the woman he has fallen in love with but with OP constantly on at him about not wanting to divorce he feels indebted. He was miserable with no sex for years. The OPs solution was to leave him open to getting close emotionally to another woman and that's exactly what's happened. Now he suddenly finds actually you really can have it all- a mutually fulfilling relationship with sex romance and happiness

My BFs husband was there and BF has said nothing at all. She definitely would have if she had even an inkling

If he introduced her as his gf what is there to ask?

I'm following this thread all this time. I am someone in the OP's shoes, but in my 40s, and without maybe the certainty re wanting to stay in the marriage. For what it's worthz many posters' comments have hit home for me re possible arrogance on my side and especially, wrt how hard it must be for my H. Self awareness was lacking for me for sure so thank you. I had been, in bad moments, looked at it as putting his needs as priority. This thread has given me. Amuch needed balanced view. My DH would hate the thought of an open marriage, he would be disgusted at the suggestion as I know it is me he wants that bond with. Unfortunately I can't give him that. It's not easy OP but I hate the thought that you're as unstable as you are in it. I also think it's sad that, a bit like me, your thoughts are not on his feelings at all and how sad the loss was.

In your shoes and assuming I really was okay with an open marriage, I'd talk to her and tell her that since she is being introduced to mutual friends then it's better that you know who she is first so as to avoid embarrassment

And it will probably take the ‘magic’ out of their relationship. That semi-secret ‘if only they actually knew what we did last night’ frisson when meeting others (who are apparently oblivious).

Yep, just another regular relationship that most people have... Honestly if it all came out into the open I think you’d find they’d get cold feet very quickly...

@AlbertBridge

I don't see it fizzling out, I'm afraid. It might burn out. But it won't fizzle.

She's gorgeous, younger, bright, fun to be with, and - most importantly - elusive. She's married. She is mysterious on social media. He can't get his fill of her. She's unattainable.

That's not a recipe for fizzling.

I wonder what her husband feels about it?

We spoke last night, in quite some depth, and he made it clear that whilst committed to staying in our marriage, DH is not going to stop seeing this woman.

I'm not sure that's a decision that he gets to make unilaterally.

And he is, right now. To the extent that, whether or not they will have suspected anything, he has introduced her to some of his friends. And he is taking her to family restaurants.

I suspect the answer to “are you going to steal my husband” would be, at this stage, “I don’t know yet”

I'd suspect the same. And they may genuinely right now not have any intention of breaking up with partners, or anything else...

But the ball is fully in his court. He was the one who decided he didn't want casual sex anymore over lockdown. He was the one who found someone that he's at least very smitten with, and wants more than sex with. He was the one who has now established a new relationship, and considers himself to have a girlfriend. You were the last to know all of these things.

It's absolutely your call what you do; but please be aware that if the situation of him leaving changes - if they decide they do want that, if they fall in love - you'll be the last to know again.

It's your call whether you leave; or try and deal with this - but please, please prepare yourself that in two weeks or two months or two years, he could decide that he's leaving for her. He seems to be banking on that you'll stay, regardless of his change in the rules, and it'd be crushingly unfair for this to destroy you because you're trusting his word, and that he'll stick to the new rules that he's agreed to, despite him happily breaking the previous ones. His actions have spoken a lot louder than his words, to date.

I don’t see what speaking to ow would achieve. Your initial agreement was for him to have no strings sex. Now he’s having (inevitability imo) a full relationship - romantic dates, text messaging, presents for her, meeting your friends and sex. He doesn’t want to stop that. He doesn’t like no strings sex. Any agreement as to what is acceptable is between op and husband.
What would op even say to ow? He’s told me he’s not leaving me for you. Ow says yes I know. They carry on dating. Even if you scare off this lady there will be another in the future.

If he's been missing that love and romantic connection for so long and his wife has denied him that, don't you think he would be asking for a divorce and a chance to start again with someone else, if not with this woman but another.

So you believe he is being kind staying with her and relaying details of how he cares and is falling in love with this ow. He has told her information she never needed to hear, of buying underwear with the ow and such.
Hardly the actions of a considerate man, trying to soften the blow.

Yes he maybe trying to find the perfect replacement but I don't think so.

Op I actually do think this will fizzle out, if that is the only answer you want from this.

I really don't think any woman has power over this individual, what do you think he would say if op (as many of you said) set him free and told him she wishes the marriage to end so he can go away and be happy with this woman forever.?

This isn't a choice that's in her hands.

Could I ask op, what do you know of her husband, is he someone your husband could posibly be jealous of?

DH didn’t volunteer the information about the lingerie shopping, I pressed him for details about what sort of thing they had been doing if not going to hotels and he said he had been shopping with her and she had bought underwear. He didn’t buy her it but he did help her choose. He told me other things they had done as well, like go to the beach for a walk and to a sporting event, but obviously the underwear thing stuck in my mind.

I know what OW’s husband does because I asked but I don’t know much more about him, I don’t think DH does either. No idea if he would be jealous.

God, this sounds like hell on Earth . Honestly, I would leave and get on with your own life. I know it will be a tremendous wrench but you can’t carry on living like this.

This is really sad

Op I can't tell if you are on a wind up, extremely naive or an expert at burying your head in the sand.

The fact the your best friend hasn't said anything, is likely to indicate that her or her husband does think something is going.

Either your bf hasn't mentioned her to his wife or she has decided not to mention her to you. Surely when you know someone well and they introduce you to a new friend and you suspected nothing you would say 'oh husband met X at the house the other day, said she seemed nice' or something.

The fact that no one has mentioned this new person means they suspect or know something is going off.

He has introduced her to the husband of your best friend. And you are still ignoring everything he is telling you, all his actions and hanging on to 'it will fizzle out'.

I would guess that people closest to you would say that you don't hear people when they tell you things you don't want to hear

The meeting friends and going to favoured family restaurants - it's like he's inching her in to your life/place.

I bet she hasn't introduced him to anyone.

You must be run ragged with the worry. I hope you will start to lean on close friends - you can't carry this on your own.

Op where are you when he is off shopping having dinner, attending sporting events?

Where did you think he was?

@PhillyQueen

Why do you think 'it'll blow over/fade out' ? Your H has broken your agreement if 'no strings sex' and now has a girlfriend, who he is introducing to your friends & wining & dining in your family restaurant openly. He has a mistress/girlfriend not a casual sex partner. He might not (right now) want to leave your home/marriage, but he's definitely not acting in a way that makes me feel like he loves or respects you. That would anger me!

He's saying HE doesn't want to leave your marriage and he's NOT going to give up his girlfriend... which is NOT the situation you agreed to.

Despite what some posters say, some people do have open marriages where they only have one 'off sex' with other people so that attachments don't form outside of the marriage.

Why does he think he gets all the say here? Cocky git!

I know you don't want to lose him, he SAYS he doesn't want to lose you, but he's acting like he knows whatever he does, you'll just have to put up with it because he knows you
wont leave him. I'd give him the biggest shock of his life!!

Op you are quite clear you don't want this to end, could I ask if there is any fame or prestige attatched to this indidual you are married to, to get that out of the way.?

I don't think this is all about money, sex and love, it appears it is the loss of status as his primary partner to the outside world, that upsets you most.

Re your ‘steal my husband’ comment she’s already getting the best bits of him with you on outside.
Do you do nice things like they do with him or live totally separate lives?
You are so adamant no one knows yet they are so very public. I’m always bumping into people I know. Plus risks of being tagged or photographed on social media.
I can’t get my head around how it works. Does he say he’s going shopping or to the tennis or out for dinner and you don’t ask who where exactly or who with. Or does he ‘work’ and you don’t know if he’s at real work or off somewhere. What happens if you call or text and he’s with her. What do you talk about when he gets back - dies he lie just in meetings dear, is it elephant in room or is it x restaurant was lovely I had the duck we’ll have to go. I can’t fathom wanting to live like this when you clearly have a choice.

No, it’s because I love him. We’ve known each other since school, been a couple for 40 years. We’ve raised children together and I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else.

He isn’t famous. He does have a prestigious job and runs a couple of businesses and projects aside from that but then so do I so that really has nothing to do with it.

We are both busy people. When he was with OW, I assumed he was at work or with friends and probably most of the time I didn’t notice he wasn’t home because neither was I. I never saw this as a downside before, I thought having our own friends and interests was healthy in a long-term relationship.

FWIW, my best friend definitely doesn’t know or suspect, she would have told me. She isn’t keeping quiet to save my feelings, I can assure you of that. I can only think her DH didn’t think anything of OW being at the house when there were other people he didn’t know there too.

Do you want to tell you best friend about this, OP?

@Blackbird2020

Do you want to tell you best friend about this, OP?

Yes and I will do the next time we meet up, hopefully soon

Tbh OP I think you've been quite naive about what the building blocks of a relationship are. Or rather may have lost sight of them over the course of 40 years. I guess after 40 years a person may become complacent.

You take away intimacy, you take away spending lots of time together and you're left with......habit.

It may be a very fond habit, but a habit nonetheless.

You two sound like old friends who don't even hang out together that much anymore.