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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
OnlyTheLangOfTheTitberg · 05/10/2021 15:08

Onthedunes you’re creating an entire fictitious backstory based on…what? Projection of your own bad experiences and a dislike of men? Did you miss where the OP said she also ran her own businesses, for example? Or where she said she would be financially well-positioned if they did split?

LoislovesStewie · 05/10/2021 15:12

I'll say it again; if this relationship fails he has seen that he can find someone else who will provide him with sex/romance. The genie won't go back in that bottle.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/10/2021 15:28

@onthedunes

I don’t know who you’re talking about here, in such detail, with such complex backstory, and with familiar access to such incisive emotional insight - but it’s not the OP.

Blossomtoes · 05/10/2021 15:33

Wow, that’s serious fiction @Onthedunes. You should write a novel.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/10/2021 15:40

I don’t think you are realistic re him staying out of a relationship in future. He’s missing this side of his life and has been willing to actively seek it. Your husband sounds a very positive catch for someone - young looking, fit, enjoys walks and nice meals, romantic, successful professional/businessman, financially in a great place. A couple of nice dates a week, some text flirting and no underpants washing sounds very appealing if you can overlook the I’m only housemates with wife but we haven’t had sex for years and we have her blessing side of it. Lots of ladies will. He has lots of opportunities to meet people via work, hobbies, friends or online.
I think you need to speak to your best friend. It will feel like a weight lifted.

KungFuPrincess · 05/10/2021 15:41

I think OP has made it clear she wont be taking anyone's advice. She's happy to bury her head in the sand and pretend this is just a blip and it will soon go back to how it was pre OW

JuliaDomna · 05/10/2021 15:43

OP I think some of the responses you have received are very unkind and actually misogynistic . The days of having to put out to keep your man should be over. Your husband always had a choice and he chose to stay with you.

I was in the same situation as your husband for 17 years. My late husband lost his sex drive and couldn't maintain an erection. It affected his self esteem and confidence but while frustrating for me I never considered going elsewhere for a sexual relationship. It was a choice I made. I loved and respected him too much to hurt him. We still had cuddles and were very close to the end. It is possible to have intimacy and comfort without sex. From what I have read I deduce that you agreed to an open marriage because you love him and you both still enjoy the life you have together. You wanted him to be fulfilled. Open relationships can possibly work if both parties are both on board , it is equal and there is respect for the primary relationship. It seems to me that this was a lopsided deal in your case. Your husband holds all the cards. He agreed not to get emotionally involved with his sexual partners and to respect you and your relationship. Now he has fallen for his sexual partner and they are in a relationship. This could always have happened and this is one of the risks of an open relationship. But he has shown you disrespect and humiliated you by introducing her to mutual friends and taking her to one of your regular family places. I don't know how you can come back from that. If he was so unhappy before your open marriage agreement he could have left you, but he didn't saying he loved you and enjoyed what you both shared. But all that has changed now. I think he needs to know how hurt you are and if he still wants to continue seeing his affair partner, maybe you should instigate the break yourself for your own self esteem and self preservation. It is possible to make a life for yourself. Sending you a big hug.

dryasaboner · 05/10/2021 15:53

Nobody has said put out to keep your man. I literally have no idea why people read things that nobody has said. Sex and intimacy is an important part of a marriage to many. My husband deprived me of it and I left the marriage. He didn't have to put out to make me happy but I didn't have to put up and shut up either

Blackbird2020 · 05/10/2021 15:59

I think OP has made it clear she wont be taking anyone's advice. She's happy to bury her head in the sand and pretend this is just a blip and it will soon go back to how it was pre OW

Harsh. This isn’t a flippin board game. Just because the OP hasn’t said ‘Oh yes, wise mumsnetters, I will now do a, b and c, just like you’ve all told me to’, you’re getting annoyed with her? You’re sound a little too invested in a Mumsnet thread, if you ask me....

OP asked for advice. She doesn’t even need to post updates. Mumsnetters give this advice freely, but surely it’s no biggy if the OP chooses a different path. It’s hardly going to impact your life.

JSL52 · 05/10/2021 16:00

Who did you friends think she was ?
I find it strange he's taking her to your 'family' restaurant.
I don't know why you're taking this so calmly.

Tokyotammy · 05/10/2021 16:01

OP you didn't answer my question.

If you believe what he says why don't you speak to her directly? Tell him you want her number so you can talk to her.

I suspect you won't because you know he is not being truthful with you.

Also, and you really need to hear this, even if this relationship fails, it won't stop the extra marital affairs. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. Now he's experienced a full sexual relationship he isn't going to want to go back in the box and be a good boy.

Your friend may not have noticed but even if she did, so many friends have looked the other way. Only afterwards do they admit to having suspected. Don't rely too much on that OP.

Please wake up and get some dignity before it is taken away from you.

Jaguarshoes · 05/10/2021 16:01

The genie is out of the bottle. He has had a taste for what he’s missing. Affairs (or whatever this is) don’t just happen out of nowhere, even though many are probably accidental at first. He’s found something he didn’t even know he was missing. It’s early days but now he’s experienced that rush of feeling alive again, being wanted, the chemistry and connection with the OW. Do you think he will be satisfied to never feel that again, if this one fizzles out?

FWBNC · 05/10/2021 16:02

[quote dryasaboner]@Blossomtoes nobody has said that- they have suggested them separating because op wants to have her cake and eat it [/quote]
Her 'D'H is the one having his cake AND eating it AND freezing a slice for later.

HE doesn't want to be 'set free' FFS

Jobsharenightmare · 05/10/2021 16:03

There are some mean and over invested people on here. You don't need to answer any questions or post updates OP. Take your time thinking about where you're at and what all this means. Best of luck.

Blackbird2020 · 05/10/2021 16:09

OP you didn't answer my question

Let me rewrite that for you:

OP, could you please answer my previous question?

Jeez... Hmm

Tokyotammy · 05/10/2021 16:17

My bad...

OP please, and only if you want to mind, could you answer my question, why don't you ask him if you could speak to her directly.

Suspect he will go pale, bluster and give you a bunch of excuses why that's not a good idea. That will tell you all you need to know.

Apologies if I was snippy but I think a lot of people on this thread can see that this is going to be a train wreck for you in the not too distant future. Many have been here before and want you to stop being a passenger in your own life. It frustrating to read because you can't see the wood for the trees right now but from the outside we can see how this will end.

Tokyotammy · 05/10/2021 16:24

And if he says that you speaking to her would embarass him, then ask him how does he think you feel? especially as he's introducing her to your friends by stealth.

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 05/10/2021 16:26

I have no problem asking him if I can speak to OW but it’s not only DHs decision, it is hers. I don’t think she will want to, do you?

OP posts:
Tokyotammy · 05/10/2021 16:28

If he has been truthful to her, why not?

If I was in that arrangement and the wife was concerned then yes I would. Primarily because if it's an agreed arrangement what would I have to be embarrassed about?

Lockdownbear · 05/10/2021 16:34

I'd keep the OW out of it and try to rekindle the spark in the marriage.
3 in a marriage could be a bit crowded. I really can't see how Op or OW would be happy in an open bigamist relationship.

mediciempire · 05/10/2021 16:37

i have no advice but this is awfully sad. i feel desperately sorry for you because i don't think it is fair for you to live a life of jealousy and being on edge about their relationship. i hope you regain happiness and contentment in the future.

BertramLacey · 05/10/2021 16:38

@dryasaboner

Nobody has said put out to keep your man. I literally have no idea why people read things that nobody has said. Sex and intimacy is an important part of a marriage to many. My husband deprived me of it and I left the marriage. He didn't have to put out to make me happy but I didn't have to put up and shut up either
Apart from TheGirlCat Mon 04-Oct-21 12:18:33, who said: It never ceases to amaze me the amount of women that won't 'put out' (for want of a better term that I can't think of at the moment) and then are - shock horror - surprised that their husband seeks that bond elsewhere.

A discussion about this point ensued during which people did agree with her. It's a long thread and I wouldn't expect people to read all of it, but unless they have read it and have a good memory, I wouldn't expect them to be over-confident about what has and hasn't been said.

mediciempire · 05/10/2021 16:39

@Nightbringer

I don't think he abusive. I don't think op is manipulative.

But I do think she is ignoring what he is telling her.

He has made it clear he doesn't want no strings sex. He is clearly telling her, he wants an emotional connection AND sex. And wants both with one person. At the moment he is happy to have that with his girlfriend AND stayed married to the op. He can't have the relationship aspect AND the sex aspect with the op, but can with her.

He is telling her this woman is going to be a big part of his life and he won't hide it.

And she hears 'it will fizzle out'

I think this sort of sums it all up perfectly.
Original poster
PhillyQueen · 05/10/2021 16:43

I also have no idea what I would say to OW. I suspect the answer to “are you going to steal my husband” would be, at this stage, “I don’t know yet”

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 05/10/2021 16:48

@PhillyQueen I’m not sure what the actual point is of the suggestion that you speak to the OW is tbh. To fact check what your DH has told you. I agree that she’s unlikely to want to - it would be awkward at best ….

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