Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

@milcal

He introduced her to friends to see how well they accepted her without knowing who she really is. He's preparing for the future. He might say that they don't want to leave their partners but it seems like he is thinking about it.

I think this is spot on unfortunately

OP I'm confused about your description of yourself as a doormat and yet you're not willing to be intimate to save your marriage when you love all the other parts of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not saying your should feel forced to have sex you absolutely don't want. Quite the opposite. But saying no because it's not right for you is NOT the behaviour of a doormat.

It will be hard for you both to come back from this. Even if you stay together and he has casual sex, he's admitted he doesn't enjoy this and prefers the emotional side of a sexual partnership (as is happening now). One or the other of you is going to have to live a life that makes you unhappy to save the marriage. It shouldn't be you, and presumably if you really love him you don't want that to be him either?

I think you're making the mistake of thinking that because you got there first and you are married he will always stay loyal to you. This isn't the case. He's getting the emotional and physical aspects of the relationship from someone else, its only a matter of time until he finds the companionship from someone else too.

Has it occurred to you that despite all his promises he might actually want the whole package in one person and that's something you're not willing to offer anymore? I cant see this ending well and unfortunately OP you don't want to hear it.

Please dont make the mistake of thinking because of your past 30 years, he owes you another 30. He could leave tomorrow and you will have watched it coming and done nothing about it.

@Dixiechickonhols

If you meet your friend for coffee (the one that he introduced his girlfriend to) I bet it will help you move on. You need to confront and deal with this not bury head and say it’s going to fizzle out. Nothing you have said has made anyone on here think it will fizzle out. And even if this lady isn’t it long term there will always be the threat of another ow hanging over you.

Exactly. This one may fizzle out but can a sexless marriage compete with every other woman he may meet? Someone will come along one day and tick all the boxes and you're just sitting there hoping it doesnt happen

Life is short and there's 7 billion people on the planet, many of whom will be a better match for you. Why cling on to a relationship that's clearly been dead in the water for a long time?

This isn't an open relationship, this is an emotional and physical affair. Sounds like your husband is experiencing limerence.

Either fight for your man..try to get your sex life back, see a therapist, invest in getting to know each other intimately again...or let him go and live as if you're separated.

I'd actually say it's you that is having your cake and eating it...you have cut-off sexual intimacy and expect your husband to continue to live as a housemate to you because you don't want to disrupt your life.

I'd also be concerned at how friends, family, your [adult?] children could see their Dad out and about with this woman, which also puts them in an awkward position.

This sounds extremely painful for you OP. I've no advice, other than look after yourself, but wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and that you'll be ok in the long run.

Sorry if it seems like I’m not taking any notice of the replies because I have read them all several times and am trying to take it all in. I did post here for advice so all of it is welcome. I am not stupid enough to think all I would get is sympathy, nor would I want that. There isn’t anything written here about me that I haven’t thought myself. My gut instinct has been to preserve my marriage at all costs and then of that fails, think about alternatives. Maybe that isn’t how I should be approaching this.

To address a couple of issues here, I really don’t think the friends OW met at the house would have thought for one minute there was something going on between DH and her. These events are always quite social and many people drop by throughout the day to help and chat. Not everyone knows each other and it is not unusual for new people to be there. I wasn’t there because it was happening midweek, when I was working. If it was at the weekend, I might have gone down there for a while, though admittedly I haven’t taken part in those days for a while, I just see them as days DH spends with his pals. I doubt anyone gave a new person a second thought. He also won’t be lining it up as a new home for him to move into as it is tiny and more of a lodge for weekend getaways etc. I accept he could be intending to use it as - place to be intimate with her, but he was buying this place long before OW appeared on the scene and the location isn’t particularly convenient for her anyway.

I also think if it doesn’t work out with OW long term, that will be the end of the extramarital activities for DH. He had already said he isn’t going back to casual sex and the chances of him meeting someone else like OW are, I think, minimal.

I have also never said I will “make him
pay” if we divorce or anything like that, I just pointed out he would take the bigger financial hit if that happened but that I don’t really need it and he won’t overly notice. That’s not to say I wouldn’t want what was rightfully mine in the event of such a thing happening, but it isn’t a primary concern or factor in this at all

You already know you are being a mug but he has broken the rules of your agreement. This "relationship" has already made you jealous. It's the jealousy and resentment that's going to kill your marriage. I don't think there is another alternative..... He either cuts ties with you or her.

I wonder how he would feel if you said you were going on a date?

I don't think he abusive. I don't think op is manipulative.

But I do think she is ignoring what he is telling her.

He has made it clear he doesn't want no strings sex. He is clearly telling her, he wants an emotional connection AND sex. And wants both with one person. At the moment he is happy to have that with his girlfriend AND stayed married to the op. He can't have the relationship aspect AND the sex aspect with the op, but can with her.

He is telling her this woman is going to be a big part of his life and he won't hide it.

And she hears 'it will fizzle out'

I did post but it failed for some reason.

OP, he has broken the rules of your agreement whether others agree with or not.

Your jealousy and resentment will eat away at you to the degree you will ultimately be unhappy whilst he has his cake and eats it.

I wonder what his reaction would be if you said you were going on a date after all an open relationship works both ways.

I really don’t think the friends OW met at the house would have thought for one minute there was something going on between DH and her.

There's something quite distinctive about the way two people are around each other when they're seeing each other romantically. I'd been on a couple of dates with my OH when we both went to a wake where there were mutual friends. Bearing in mind it was a wake, so it's not like we were going to be all over each other. It was very early days so we hadn't mentioned to anyone that we were dating. Seeing us standing next to each other though a friend shot me a look which said it all. She knew full well that something was going on between us. We hadn't so much as touched each other and she still worked it out.

Anyone reasonable astute will have their suspicions.

My gut instinct has been to preserve my marriage at all costs

That rarely ends well. Do you really mean 'at all costs'?

To address a couple of issues here, I really don’t think the friends OW met at the house would have thought for one minute there was something going on between DH and her.

Maybe not from one meeting. But when they are seen out having dinner or on a date, they will.

I also think if it doesn’t work out with OW long term, that will be the end of the extramarital activities for DH. He had already said he isn’t going back to casual sex and the chances of him meeting someone else like OW are, I think, minimal.

I think that's optimistic. The Internet is available where there is a wealth of people wanting this sort of set up.

As much as you think he will, he really isn't going to just give up wanting sex. He is telling you he wants a connection with the person he is having sex with. He has now realised that's possible, so why wouldn't he look again?

I hope you can get some real life support from a friend or counsellor Op, it’s such a heavy burden on you.
Please also get some specialist legal advice - it’s not just a last resort or for ‘taking him to cleaners’
I think you are naïve about friends not knowing. You’ve described your husband in the throes of a new romantic relationship. It will be so obvious from body language. I’ve seen workplace affairs/dalliances at conferences over the years and could always tell.

….again, OP, in your latest update, there’s no mention of happiness - his or yours - or even a suggestion that that might be something that should be considered.

It’s all about the odds, the likelihood, of this all turning out as you want it to, and your estimation that doing nothing is the best way to increase those odds.

I don’t think you’re a doormat. But there might be something of the abacus in your way of seeing the world.

If you split amicably, as a pp said, you could have family meals and family get togethers, you could even go on holiday if he’s not in a relationship. He might move on or it might fizzle out, but you won’t be left hanging around for the left overs.

To us reading this, it seems you’re both sticking your heads in the sand to avoid the elephant in the room, and he also does seem to be very insensitive about all of this.

While he gets to have his cake and eat it, and you wait to see if things indeed fizzle out, I would do a few things.

1. Get some legal advice and get your affairs in order
2. Arrange to see a therapist on a regular basis who can help support you through this
3. Give yourself a deadline. Please don’t be in this same position of still hoping it will fizzle out in a year’s time.
4. Draw up some new ground rules around who she meets, where they are seen in public, money he spends on gifts and experiences with her.
5. Do everything you can to look after yourself mentally and physically.

As for this event at the house he’s doing up, it sounds a bit odd to me but I’ve never been to something like this. What was her role at this event? People WILL be wondering how she ended up there, especially if she told them the location is really inconvenient for her. As someone said, it sounds as though he’s trying hard to impress her.

The bolt hole/weekend getaway pad predates this lady but not your set up. It’s glaringly obvious why he’d want something like this and ties in with him wanting romantic intimacy not just hook ups at a faceless hotel. Were you intending go away to bolt hole together?

@Jaguarshoes

To us reading this, it seems you’re both sticking your heads in the sand to avoid the elephant in the room, and he also does seem to be very insensitive about all of this.

While he gets to have his cake and eat it, and you wait to see if things indeed fizzle out, I would do a few things.

1. Get some legal advice and get your affairs in order
2. Arrange to see a therapist on a regular basis who can help support you through this
3. Give yourself a deadline. Please don’t be in this same position of still hoping it will fizzle out in a year’s time.
4. Draw up some new ground rules around who she meets, where they are seen in public, money he spends on gifts and experiences with her.
5. Do everything you can to look after yourself mentally and physically.

As for this event at the house he’s doing up, it sounds a bit odd to me but I’ve never been to something like this. What was her role at this event? People WILL be wondering how she ended up there, especially if she told them the location is really inconvenient for her. As someone said, it sounds as though he’s trying hard to impress her.

Great comments and advice here op. Please take note, particularly the legal advice and therapy.

This is not going to end pleasantly for you OP.

What if she decides she loves him and forces him to choose - who will he choose? Most likely her, the one he has great sex with, spends time with and even has an emotional connection with. He’s not going to give her up for a sedentary life with you.

If it was at the weekend, I might have gone down there for a while, though admittedly I haven’t taken part in those days for a while, I just see them as days DH spends with his pals. I doubt anyone gave a new person a second thought. He also won’t be lining it up as a new home for him to move into as it is tiny and more of a lodge for weekend getaways etc. I accept he could be intending to use it as - place to be intimate with her, but he was buying this place long before OW appeared on the scene and the location isn’t particularly convenient for her anyway.

You haven’t been down for a while…so you’re not sharing as much of other things going on in his life that are important to him? How much more of a vacuum are you allowing to develop in other parts of your married life, that they’re both only too happy for her to fill?

The location is inconvenient for her…but obviously not too inconvenient, given that she can get there to help him with the project. If she can travel there for that, how more of an incentive is it to get there for (presumably enjoyable) sex with a man who is falling in love with her?

I don’t want to say too much here for fear of being revealing but let’s jusy say both DH and myself have all the legal advice we could ever need, for free. I am fully aware of what I would be entitled to should we divorce.

As for the house, every time DH or one of his pals buys a house, usually in need of renovation or major reconstruction, they have a day where they all go round and clear it out and do what work they can before bringing the professionals in. Over the years, these have turned into social events with food and drinks and lots of people drop in, help for a while, have some pizza and chat. My BFs husband was there and BF has said nothing at all. She definitely would have if she had even an inkling.

Who do you choose to believe is the victim?

That is what this boils down to, your personal cicumstances obviously have a bearing on your view in this very sad situation.

What bothers me in this situation is op's resignation and acceptance of everything, almost like Stockholme syndrome a willingness to totally love the man who is abusing her.
Others see that as being cold, calculating wanting her cake and eat it with the spoils of wealth and a husband for status, and her power to withold sex.

I think this woman has no power, every step in her marriage has been about survival.
I have never seen a woman with any semblance of power not have feelings of resentment, anger or resistance to be treated with contemp.

I believe this woman has been denied any feelings for a very long time, she became co dependant many years ago long before open marriage was discussed.
Her husband is painted as the victim, really?
This man who has several buisnesses, probably many employees on the payroll, a huge networking system, colleagues, customers and many sycophants who 'need him', I'm sure he is very useful to many people and not someone they would readily fall out with.
Buisness men are ambitious, ruthless and self serving.

I should imagine this man has been like this all his life, mixing buisness with pleasure, his wife may not have known about this when younger but I bet she knows now.
This man is cruel, even a man on his way out tries to cover his tracks till there is not other option, he will not so cruely invite his wife to watch him falling in love.
He has total control over everthing in his life, his wife will not spill the beans, his colleagues will not question his friendship with ow, the ow will not make demands, he will be the one who chooses to break someone elses marriage up, he enjoys the power over her husband.

The ow enjoys his power. This is a man who has no boundaries and if people here think he is some poor cuckholded husband, I think they have never met someone like this.
His actions are mixed up with his own self esteem, he is getting older but still seriously attractive, this is about him.

I honestly think he will become bored of this particular woman, it's probably no different to some of the affairs he has had over the years behind his wifes back, the only difference now is he is openly telling his wife and gaining the buzz of others questioning the situation but knowing they dare not say anything to him.

Nobody will stand up to him or defend his wife, even if it became common knowledge.

It's a total power trip.
He's not going to leave, he doesn't need to, I just wonder what the next stage of his power trip will bring, it's frightening to think of.

His wife knows him, that is why she is emotionless.
Others say let him go.

He will never let her go, he has brainwashed her and taken away her spirit many years ago, why would he leave the greatest empath he's ever moulded.

This goes beyond normal abuse, where victims know they are abused this woman was never allowed to feel a victim and if she left she would still be portrayed as the perpatrator and he the victim.

Poor man, never got sex.

I think this is a very clever man with absolutely no emotions and a man who didn't want sex with his wife because he thought he deserved better, it never bothered him, the lack of sex.

Op, You and him have clearly spoken. But I think you need to talk about what you both want. His affair is a threat to the marriage, if not now then in the future.

Do you want the marriage to work, and what do you both need to do to make it work?

Is trying to rekindle the romance an option, date nights, weekends away, you both need to work at it to make it work.

@onthedunes there's no evidence behind any of your points, it's just you projecting your own warped view of men based on whatever has happened in your past.