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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 04/10/2021 21:57

My ex had an affair and in the end left me. One of the things that really upset me was the fact that he’d taken her to a lot of our special places and restaurants. He wanted to impress her, wanted her to enjoy places he loved. Wanted those places to become places he remembered her in..

Lana07 · 04/10/2021 21:57

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

I don't know if it's still available now, but a few years ago on R4 there was a series of interviews with a married couple, and it sounds SO much like the situation here. Retired couple, very comfortable lifestyle, but the husband felt rejected by his wife, so had an affair. Wife found out, he ended the affair. H&W were interviewed separately by Eddie Mair, and then again a year later to see how things were, and if they'd managed to salvage their marriage.

It was heartbreaking to listen to, but the similarities here are so strong. OP, I appreciate you've got so much else going on in your head, but it might be helpful to you to listen to it, to decide what you want for yourself going forward.

The financial side of their marriage overweighed the sexual side in their case.
grapewine · 04/10/2021 21:59

I can't with this thread anymore. He has a girlfriend, OP. He has even told you as much.

Since you want to stay, there's no point in obsessing about what he does with her. You'll have to accept that he has a life with her too.

Personally, I don't understand at this point why he doesn't leave.

Lana07 · 04/10/2021 21:59

@Honeyroar

My ex had an affair and in the end left me. One of the things that really upset me was the fact that he’d taken her to a lot of our special places and restaurants. He wanted to impress her, wanted her to enjoy places he loved. Wanted those places to become places he remembered her in..
Sorry, you had this heartbreak.

Would you expect him to take her to different places?

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 04/10/2021 22:04

Yes to what PPs have said re the restaurant. It sounds like he's side loading her into his old life. She's meeting his friends and going to his "family" restaurant. I am sorry to say that it sounds more like second wife scenario, at least, rather than additional bit on the side. Was it a polyamorous relationship you wanted? If not, he's bulldozing your agreed boundaries.

U2HasTheEdge · 04/10/2021 22:07

Who do these mutual friends think she is?

I really hoped this thread was not true.

He is not a nice man. He is happy to string you along, knowing the pain it is going to cause you. He has allowed your mutual friends to meet her and took her to your favourite restaurant. He is so secure in the fact that you will never leave him and knows he can do whatever he likes as you are desperate to stay married to him.

If he cared about you at all he would either leave you so not to prolong your pain or he would end it with his 'girlfriend'.

This is not love, it really isn't. Love is not pain and it is not having someone string you along until he decides he wants more from his mistress, and if it isn't her it will be someone else. He knows he can do whatever he wants and you will allow it.

I wish you could realise that you deserve so much more and find the strength you need to end this marriage.

whattodo2019 · 04/10/2021 22:07

It's over and has been for a long time. You need to let go and start divorce proceedings

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 22:13

@LizzieSiddal

They thing that broke me is that on Thursday he took her to a restaurant where we often go as a family. We were there on Friday (the day after) with his siblings and dad and it’s where my daughter-in-law had her baby shower.

That’s extremely cruel of him. He’s not thinking of you at all in any of this and you need to understand that.

This just seems silly to me. We're talking about a woman who basically ordered her husband to have sex with other women because she found that preferable to having sex with him herself. For her to be this upset that he took one of them to a restaurant where he'd previously taken her and their family is completely irrational. She doesn't seem to have spared much thought for his feelings when she refused to have sex with him for eight years, so if he failed to anticipate her reaction to a restaurant choice, I think that's forgivable.
TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 22:16

@PurpleOkapi This just seems silly to me. We're talking about a woman who basically ordered her husband to have sex with other women because she found that preferable to having sex with him herself. For her to be this upset that he took one of them to a restaurant where he'd previously taken her and their family is completely irrational. She doesn't seem to have spared much thought for his feelings when she refused to have sex with him for eight years, so if he failed to anticipate her reaction to a restaurant choice, I think that's forgivable.

👏👏👏

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 22:17

If he cared about you at all he would either leave you so not to prolong your pain or he would end it with his 'girlfriend'.

OP doesn't want him to leave her. OP is an adult who can be expected to know her own mind and interests. If OP tells him that she'd rather stay in these circumstances than end it, why is it his responsibility to 1) know that OP is either wrong or lying about what she wants, and 2) act in accordance with what he believes is best for OP, rather than what OP says is best for OP or what he believes is best for himself?

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2021 22:26

He’s wanting to bring things to a head OP. I’m sure your friends do suspect. Even if she was introduced as Sarah the interior designer or whatever if they are smitten in throes of new relationship it will be blooming obvious. The restaurant is especially blatant so easy for a waiter to say oh can’t keep you away or the lamb your friend enjoyed yesterday is on again. You don’t have to put up with this humiliation.

Honeyroar · 04/10/2021 22:27

@Lana07. It was a long, long time ago. It doesn’t mean a thing nowadays. I think it upset me that they were initially my places - in my case it was cities around the world that I’d lived/worked in and shown him round. I felt like he was tarnishing my special places. I also looked down on his lack of imagination!

Macaroni46 · 04/10/2021 22:33

@Octobervest what a horrible way to live. You sound very bitter and rather selfish tbh. You don't want sex with your husband yet won't let him go.
Equally he's hanging around because he doesn't want to share the money.
I find it very sad that people choose to live this way.
I was in a similar situation but decided I'd rather lose the comfortable lifestyle and set my ExH free. In doing so, I also set myself free. Yes I now have a smaller house and fewer holidays or luxuries. But I'm financially beholden to no one and most importantly am not living a lie. ExH has met someone new and is also much happier, and our adult DC are happy with the outcome too.
Why are you so reluctant to separate?

Jaguarshoes · 04/10/2021 22:37

He’s trampling all over your shared life, is nothing sacred? Meeting mutual fiends and taking her to the same restaurant where you have so many family memories, that is not ok. And what if someone sees them? It’s just so indiscreet, does he deep down WANT people to find out?

She has said she will not leave her partner, would his decision be the same if she had said the opposite?

dryasaboner · 04/10/2021 22:37

If he promised to end things with the OW would you seek help to fix the lack of sex/intimacy? If the answer is no you must kindly set him free. He deserves to be happy not to be a cash cow that props up your desired lifestyle

Original poster
PhillyQueen · 04/10/2021 22:44

DH says he was the one who brought up the ground rules about not leaving partners and OW agreed.

I have already acknowledged I’m a doormat. I’m 62 and have my own business, I’m not leeching off OH. He does have a bigger personal income but I don’t need his financial support, I’m not hanging around for that. I’m here because I like our life and I love DH

I think it will fizzle out.

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 04/10/2021 22:49

Life without him or as a couple is unthinkable.

Sorry OP but sometimes you have to think the unthinkable. I love my DP, I trust him, I want us to grow old together. I'm also aware that there are many things that might stop this happening.

If I were you I would at the very least be making sure you have some sort of life separate from him. Sometimes you need to face your worst fears, just in case they realise themselves.

Lockdownbear · 04/10/2021 22:55

Op I can see why you want to stay, but really I think you both have to work on your marriage, it needs to be both of you wanting it to work.

How convinced are you she isn't going to end up living in that house he's doing up?

The more you give the more he takes and treats you like shit.

ElspethFlashman · 04/10/2021 23:08

This is bonkers.

Absolutely bonkers.

He calls her his girlfriend FFS!

ballsdeep · 04/10/2021 23:12

@grapewine

I can't with this thread anymore. He has a girlfriend, OP. He has even told you as much.

Since you want to stay, there's no point in obsessing about what he does with her. You'll have to accept that he has a life with her too.

Personally, I don't understand at this point why he doesn't leave.

I'm the same. I don't know what you want from us op. Do you want strangers on the internet to tell you it'll be ok? It won't be. He's slowly but surely bringing her into your life. He's taking her to special family places, meeting friends - and they probably do suspect op. He's hardly being secretive!

I think you want us all to say it'll be ok, he doesn't love/want her and he loves you. Just read the overwhelming responses on here.

Tillysfad · 04/10/2021 23:17

I don't think you're a door mat at all. You're confusing yourself with someone who is putting up with all affair. It's the other way around for you. Your DH has been putting up with a half marriage and trying to accommodate you by having the occasional fling which wasn't his first choice. If anything you've been ruling with a rod of iron and things are levelling out because you were asking too much.

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 23:21

I don't think it's as hopeless as some do. If he didn't love OP, it wouldn't have taken him this long to develop feelings for someone else after she basically rejected him in the bedroom and told him to go elsewhere for sex several years ago. Initially, at least, he wanted both love and sex from OP, but went elsewhere for sex after OP made it clear that wasn't one of the choices. As it stands, he's now got both sex and love with the new girlfriend, but only (maybe) love with OP. Things might be too far gone at this point, but I think there's a chance that if OP was willing and able to have some semblance of a functional sex life with him, he'd still rather have both sex and love with OP than with the new girlfriend.

Whether any of that's wise or worth it is a more complicated question. OP might perceive sex in that circumstance as degrading, and the effects of that could make an eventual breakup much worse for her if he ended up leaving anyway. And OP doesn't sound like she's on board to signing up for a lifetime of regular sex anyway. Letting him go might be best for them both.

OddSockReunion · 04/10/2021 23:39

[quote Champersandchocolate]@PhillyQueen unfortunately sounds very much like the situation I met my husband in. He was with his ex wife for the kids and family thing.. we met through my work, I didn't know he was married etc, he told me a week in what the deal was and within the month he had left his marital home, we moved in together after 3 months.

We're now married with a baby of our own on the way...

He is super settled and I am glad he is now happy, having regular sex and with me, I absolutely adore him and I feel like it's what he's missed when he was stuck in his other marriage.

Not that it matters, there's 18 years between us so I am the "younger" one.

I think you deserve to happiness and to find someone who gives you a spark that your husband has not been able to give you for a long time, you deserve it. [/quote]
Oh dear. He told you - after misleading you for a week - that he was actually married and chearing on his wife and you continued to see him and married him and had a baby with him?! Confused

Killthewinewitchnow · 04/10/2021 23:42

@PhillyQueen

DH says he was the one who brought up the ground rules about not leaving partners and OW agreed.

I have already acknowledged I’m a doormat. I’m 62 and have my own business, I’m not leeching off OH. He does have a bigger personal income but I don’t need his financial support, I’m not hanging around for that. I’m here because I like our life and I love DH

I think it will fizzle out.

OP he is cheating on you now, having a full blown affair. This is way beyond your agreement. You really need to find your anger for being betrayed like this.
Octobervest · 04/10/2021 23:53

[quote Macaroni46]@Octobervest what a horrible way to live. You sound very bitter and rather selfish tbh. You don't want sex with your husband yet won't let him go.
Equally he's hanging around because he doesn't want to share the money.
I find it very sad that people choose to live this way.
I was in a similar situation but decided I'd rather lose the comfortable lifestyle and set my ExH free. In doing so, I also set myself free. Yes I now have a smaller house and fewer holidays or luxuries. But I'm financially beholden to no one and most importantly am not living a lie. ExH has met someone new and is also much happier, and our adult DC are happy with the outcome too.
Why are you so reluctant to separate? [/quote]
@Macaroni46 I'm not my husband's keeper! If he wants to go, he will, regardless of what I want.

I have a comfortable lifestyle & am settled here, hence why I stay.