Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

@ManifestingJoy

They are 62 fgs. At what point would you pause and say maybe the marriage is not dead just because they arent having sex

No evidence yet that ms 40 something wants more than dinners and walks

What are you saying ? That 62 year olds don't have sex ? They just toddle off to the library together ?

Oh my! 62 and people are presumed not to have or want sex? What nonsense

I know this is hard op, it's a dreadful situation for you, but if it does fizzle out, I think you will need to say no more sex on the side and try and re-kindle the sex life you once had.

If you can't, then he will just keep making connections with sexual partners.

Be careful op he doesn't start breaking through new boundaries.

He has you beguiled, nothing in your posts suggest any fault whatsoever on his behalf, there is no resentment from you just absolute love and devotion as though you have been brainwashed by some cult leader.

What if he moves another woman in, would you still love him, still stay.

This man doesn't need to leave her for someone else he can have everything.

@Onthedunes

I think there should be an age restriction on this thread but never mind.

Op I was in a situation why by I had to choose, it was clear my husband did not want to end the marriage, initially he did and then that petered out.
Sex dried up for us pre affair, during and most definitly when I found out about it.
Different circumstances but the same gut wrenching decisions about ending the relationship, do I regain more of my sanity if I walk away or stay.
I walked away, a very long marriage, still found him immensly attractive, still wanted sex with him, but could I have ever found myself desirable with that man again, No. You have already crossed that hurdle of knowing your husband has sex with others, now it's gone emotional, his contempt is showing very clearly now by rubbing your nose in this.

It's surely is too painful for anyone to endure.

You have the strength to regain your self esteem, I too was financially able to buy another home which is my haven, I can keep the nasty thoughts away which plagued the end of my relationship. I am my own boss, I run to my own timetable and I no longer have to consider my husbands needs.
You would be surprised how liberating it is and not as scary as you would imagine.
And what happened to the husband and ow? it ended, actually by him but not before she'd had thousands spent on her, him trying to impress her.
He wanted back, the comforts, the easiness, the family, the respect but much had been lost and it's very hard to re capture. He tried again looking for that elusive relationship that was going to fill every void.

He never found it.

It's never a story that ends well but you don't have to put yourself through this new traumatic situation. Why not start finding somewhere lovely to live, a haven away from this heartbreaking madness. Even if its just a bolt hole for your own sanity.

Maybe you may find it could help with coping and coming to new decisions.

I also agree @AngelinaFibres's post was very powerful.

I hope the Op reads this. It says such a lot. Best wishes to you in your lovely haven onthedunes x

@AngelinaFibres

Thank you, yes it is much more peaceful, like you say there is no greater gift than having peace of mind.

If you love someone you want them to be happy, not trap them in a sexless marriage with the threat of making them pay. I see a lot of selfishness and control but not much love.

@MrsBobDylan

I know this is hard op, it's a dreadful situation for you, but if it does fizzle out, I think you will need to say no more sex on the side and try and re-kindle the sex life you once had.

If you can't, then he will just keep making connections with sexual partners.

If only that was the plan at the start, it wouldn't have got this far, it was preventable.

He's made it clear that he's not willing to live in perpetual celibacy. You've made it clear that you're unwilling to have sex with him. You've also made it clear that the only way he can remain married to you is by maintaining 100% perfect separation between sex and love. The problem is, most humans aren't wired that way. The arrangement you thought you had before may have been fine for you, but it isn't working for him, and it wouldn't work for most people. If you actually want to stay married to him, you can't just set whatever terms sound good to you and then issue ultimatums accordingly. You need to look at what works for him, and at least try to meet him halfway. That might mean having sex occasionally (or more than occasionally), even if you'd rather not. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to, but likewise, he doesn't have to stay in a sexless marriage if he doesn't want to. And it's pretty clear that, no matter what he might say, he strongly prefers getting love and sex from the same person. Life's much simpler that way.

Op I have thought about you a lot since you first posted and I have reflected a lot on my first marriage which I haven't really done for many years now. I had put it in a box in my head and put the lid on very firmly . Something occurred to me just now that I only realised several months after he left. I clung onto him because I was terrified of being alone and being lonely. I put up with the constant hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach because if he was in the house with me he wasn't with her. It took a little while for me to realise that being alone in your own safe space is nowhere near as lonely as being in the same space as someone who doesn't really want to be there and whose mind is not with you . Your husband will think of her ....or the next one....when he opens his eyes in the morning and she will be the last thing he thinks of as he falls asleep at night. Lying in the same bed as such a man is the loneliest place on earth. Xxxx

@AngelinaFibres that sounds a very sad and lonely situation in your first marriage but this is a different context because the OP invited her husband to find a physical relationship with another woman. I can't imagine doing that without absolutely knowing that it's the end of the relationship in any meaningful context.

@PhillyQueen

We spoke last night, in quite some depth, and he made it clear that whilst committed to staying in our marriage, DH is not going to stop seeing this woman. He said he never really enjoyed meeting women just for sex and had pretty much decided that, after a long break due to Covid, he was going to stop doing that and let his sex life go and be contented with what we had, which we both admit is good and enough in pretty much all areas.

Then of course he met this woman and everything changed and although he says “love” is too strong a word for so early on in their thing, they definitely have strong feelings for each other. He reiterated that it’s not jusy sex for him, that they have only slept together twice and that had only happened recently. But he’s not leaving and has no plans to do so, apparently not now or ever, and that he still loves me, which is what I have to work with right now.

As they have only been intimate twice, I’m going to assume he is currently infatuated with her but that this will fade and he will see what we have together is too good to throw away for sex. I am aware this might not be the case and this is merely a coping mechanism for me right now, but so be it.

Tread carefully OP, from the outside it appears to me that your DH was missing WAY more than simple sex. Isn't that obvious to you?

I believe it's way more than infatuation too - he is falling in love. They've spent quality time together and have grown their 'relationship' to the sex stage recently, as you say - this isn't lust/infatuation, it's a relationship.

Be honest with yourself OP - were you giving him any kind of intimacy at all?

Why is he not going out for walks and dinner with you? Sending you soppy messages?

@Honeyroar

Why is he not going out for walks and dinner with you? Sending you soppy messages?

Probably because lack of sex and intimacy drives a huge wedge between a couple and you hardly want to do lovey dovey things with them when starved of intimacy

[quote Octobervest]@PhillyQueen, I suspect your situation happens quite a lot. There are lots of sexless marriages out there.

I'm in a sexless marriage. I'm the one who decided no sex - almost 5 yrs now, mainly driven by my husband's desire to control me. He's also a mummy's boy and I have played second fiddle to MIL our entire married life.
I married in haste and have repented at leisure... Oh yes.

He's still attractive & I occasionally fancy him but still wouldn't have sex with him! He always had the higher sex drive, probably because I ran round like a blue arsed fly, doing all the housework.
Years of resentment have taken their toll on us.

He admits he would like sex or even more intimacy & I'm sure he would but I have said no way. I also wouldn't tolerate him looking outside the marriage. If he wants that, then he would need to end it with me first.
He won't, because he won't want to split the assets (house in his name solely, despite us being together over 20 yrs and a really good pension).

I suspect this is why your husband wants to remain married - doesn't want the upheaval & financial hit. As PP said, he's having his cake and eating it.

Despite our difficulties, we have a nice life. He's the (much) higher earner & generally provides well for us. We do go out together, do coffee/cinema/meals out etc & hold hands when out walking. We also do a lot separately - he has a hobby that he is obsessive about & luckily I get time without him whilst he indulges himself there. He treats me well materially (not that I'm particularly bothered by possessions) and was also very supportive through a tough time I endured recently.
Much more supportive emotionally now than when we first got together, bizarrely.

I'm not sure what I bring to the table. I refuse to contribute to a house my name isn't on. I'm not really the nurturing type either, so it's not that.
Maybe with us it's a case of we don't really want each other but don't want anyone else to have us either? Perhaps we are just happy the way things are.

I'm not naive, he could meet someone & have an affair/leave but if it happens, it happens. I do know I wouldn't be sharing him and it will cost him. A lot.[/quote]
Wow - it's a trap.

What a sad way to live Octobervest.

Why can't ppl just live their lives without the one-upmanship.

Things that give me cause for hope:

He isn’t sure he loves her exactly and they haven’t said it up to now.
They discussed ground rules when it was evident it was becoming a relationship rather than a friendship and both agree that they are not leaving their partners no matter what, and whatever they have has to exist in the parameters of that.
DH admits we could have seperated years ago but he never wanted that

Things that give me cause for concern:

DH is completely smitten with OW
OW is objectively beautiful and apparently clever and funny
OW has met some of our mutual friends at a property DH is doing up to sell on. They were all there helping one day. Friends do not suspect anything, honestly he is the last person they would think was fooling around.
They refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend

They thing that broke me is that on Thursday he took her to a restaurant where we often go as a family. We were there on Friday (the day after) with his siblings and dad and it’s where my daughter-in-law had her baby shower. I don’t know why I find this more upsetting than him sleeping with her but I do

Yes, his taking her to a restaurant you went to as a family is not very sensitive. I"m not surprised you find that really hurtful. x

There is really no self-awareness with the OP. Complete obliviousness, no one's posts are sinking in.

@PhillyQueen unfortunately sounds very much like the situation I met my husband in. He was with his ex wife for the kids and family thing.. we met through my work, I didn't know he was married etc, he told me a week in what the deal was and within the month he had left his marital home, we moved in together after 3 months.

We're now married with a baby of our own on the way...

He is super settled and I am glad he is now happy, having regular sex and with me, I absolutely adore him and I feel like it's what he's missed when he was stuck in his other marriage.

Not that it matters, there's 18 years between us so I am the "younger" one.

I think you deserve to happiness and to find someone who gives you a spark that your husband has not been able to give you for a long time, you deserve it.

@ManifestingJoy

Yes, his taking her to a restaurant you went to as a family is not very sensitive. I"m not surprised you find that really hurtful. x

I agree. Complete denial. It’s quite sad to see knowing one day it will all hit like a tonne of bricks

They thing that broke me is that on Thursday he took her to a restaurant where we often go as a family. We were there on Friday (the day after) with his siblings and dad and it’s where my daughter-in-law had her baby shower.

That’s extremely cruel of him. He’s not thinking of you at all in any of this and you need to understand that.

I'm really sad for you OP. You're clinging on to something that will cause you so much pain.

Nothing he is telling you matters.
Look at his actions.
He has broken the rules of your agreement so him saying he wants your marriage to continue means absolutely jack shit. He is slowly but surely bringing her in to the forefront of his life and humiliating you in the process.

I think you find the restaurant thing upsetting because it’s been full of special family memories and now he’s creating special memories there with her. They’re also being very public and presumably there’s a chance they might be seen.

Does her husband know what’s going on?

I have sympathy with your DH but I think that was a totally dick move on his part. Callous and uncaring.

“He is slowly but surely bringing her in to the forefront of his life and humiliating you in the process.”

This.

I'd tell him to do one & move into the property he's renovating.