Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

They are 62 fgs

What’s that got to do with it? Plenty of people in their sixties enjoy sex and loving sexual relationships.

@PhillyQueen

Yes I am very jealous. I pressed him into telling me lots of details, even though he didn’t want to give me them, and I wish I hadn’t as now I can’t stop thinking about them.

But he is still married to me and doesn’t want that to change. That is something and I am holding onto that.

It’s not really anything to hold onto, I’m afraid.

It’s early days in their ‘relationship’ - because that is what this is.

What happens when his girlfriend wants more? Or he decides he wants the sex life and the relationship to match?

You can’t rest easy with this, I’m afraid. You’ll be on eggshells forever. It’s one thing if this was a marriage of convenience for you both, and you were content with his mistresses because you liked the lifestyle- but it’s clear you are very much in love with him.

If a person is looking outside the marriage for something, the marriage is dead.

What a load of rubbish. Maybe when you're 20 or something but it's pretty common in longer term marriages for partners to spend a lot of time apart often with other people to do hobbies, exercise, or even go on holiday. People married long term know that being joined at the hip for everything is not usually the best way to go as it can breed contempt and get boring.

@PhillyQueen

There’s lots of good stuff still there and I don’t think he actually wants to end our marriage, I think he wants to carry on as we are. See her and be married to me. I accept that he sleeps with her but I cannot accept that he loves her and thinks about her all the time (his admission).

I think what really tore me apart was that he says he enjoys being with her in non-sexual situations as he does being in bed with her. The sex I can cope with, after all I don’t want that and I agreed to him seeking that elsewhere, but the dinners and the walks and the looking at his phone and smiling when she texts, no.

But OP those are just the well adjusted behaviours of someone who cares for the person that they are being intimate with. It would be terribly cruel on the woman in this situation who is expected to just hang around and get no commitment because it has preordained by you both. I just think that's cruel to her.

I am so sorry you're hurting but you can't control people like they are robots - if you tell someone you aren't ever going to have sex with them again or find them sexually attractive, and that they can go off and sleep with other people, what did you think would happen eventually? I say that with kindness. Because your husband can't be expected to choose between having no sex ever again or having meaningless shags. That's miserable. He's clearly tried so hard to keep things going without the sex, come up with a workable solution and so on. I think he's shown his love for and commitment to you.

It's just a fact that eventually he would move on as every human craves intimacy. It's not just about banging someone robotically it's about the care, love, intimacy, shared things that go with it, and he sounds like a caring man who has found those feelings naturally growing. It's always so sad when things end but OP I really think it's time for your marriage to end and for a new chapter to start for both of you.

Unfortunately an open marriage only works if both partners want to seek sexual relationships outside of the marital home. You didn't want that, so now you're jealous that he has found a connection with somebody else. This happens often in open relationships when both people aren't looking for the same things.
I'm sorry op, but I think you'd be best to leave him. He's developed feelings, they aren't going to go away and if he stops seeing her, do you then ask him to not seek out sexual relationships with anyone else? You're essentially wanting him to be your friend, not your husband.

@BrendaBubbles

If a person is looking outside the marriage for something, the marriage is dead.

What a load of rubbish. Maybe when you're 20 or something but it's pretty common in longer term marriages for partners to spend a lot of time apart often with other people to do hobbies, exercise, or even go on holiday. People married long term know that being joined at the hip for everything is not usually the best way to go as it can breed contempt and get boring.

Hobbies?!? Exercise?!?

No one’s talking about solo fucking cycling holidays in France or a Wednesday night conversational Portuguese class with a friend…it’s sex.

When someone is looking for SEX outside the marriage, it is indeed dead.

@BrendaBubbles

If a person is looking outside the marriage for something, the marriage is dead.

What a load of rubbish. Maybe when you're 20 or something but it's pretty common in longer term marriages for partners to spend a lot of time apart often with other people to do hobbies, exercise, or even go on holiday. People married long term know that being joined at the hip for everything is not usually the best way to go as it can breed contempt and get boring.

@BrendaBubbles Um, hobbies is completely different from having sexual relationships with other people.

Polkadots2021 You said everything I wanted to say but couldn't.

I think both the OP and her husband need to get out of this marriage for their own reasons.

@AngelinaFibres that was one seriously powerful post. It brought a lump to my throat and i don't cry easily. OP you should read this post over and over again. Angelina has lived this but more importantly has come through it

Op, he is falling in love with her. ‘Early in the day’ for what they have, but he enjoys being with her so much that WHAT THEY HAVE matters more than the upset it causes you. It can’t be just about sex as that only happened twice.

He is too confident you’ll roll over a d take it, rather than risk losing him. He knows you won’t make him choose? But what happens when she makes him choose? How confident are you that he’ll stay.

Also I think, now that it is about romance rather than a purely physical and discreet act, you both need to decide what you will say to friends, family and your DC when they find out. Do you have DD? What message does this give them?
It will impact all of your relationships. That is the reality.

I think fir your own self esteem and mental wellbeing you need to start thinking about starting a life without him. Maybe your marriage will last but if this is the beginning of the end you need to be prepared. I don't think many people would be prepared to see this through.

@PhillyQueen You sound relieved that he wants to stay with you but why wouldn't he? He's the cat who's got the cream. The question should be do you want this kind of relationship? How do you think he would react if you said you can't tolerate it?

I think there should be an age restriction on this thread but never mind.

Op I was in a situation why by I had to choose, it was clear my husband did not want to end the marriage, initially he did and then that petered out.
Sex dried up for us pre affair, during and most definitly when I found out about it.
Different circumstances but the same gut wrenching decisions about ending the relationship, do I regain more of my sanity if I walk away or stay.
I walked away, a very long marriage, still found him immensly attractive, still wanted sex with him, but could I have ever found myself desirable with that man again, No. You have already crossed that hurdle of knowing your husband has sex with others, now it's gone emotional, his contempt is showing very clearly now by rubbing your nose in this.

It's surely is too painful for anyone to endure.

You have the strength to regain your self esteem, I too was financially able to buy another home which is my haven, I can keep the nasty thoughts away which plagued the end of my relationship. I am my own boss, I run to my own timetable and I no longer have to consider my husbands needs.
You would be surprised how liberating it is and not as scary as you would imagine.
And what happened to the husband and ow? it ended, actually by him but not before she'd had thousands spent on her, him trying to impress her.
He wanted back, the comforts, the easiness, the family, the respect but much had been lost and it's very hard to re capture. He tried again looking for that elusive relationship that was going to fill every void.

He never found it.

It's never a story that ends well but you don't have to put yourself through this new traumatic situation. Why not start finding somewhere lovely to live, a haven away from this heartbreaking madness. Even if its just a bolt hole for your own sanity.

Maybe you may find it could help with coping and coming to new decisions.

I also agree @AngelinaFibres's post was very powerful.

Angelina Thank you got sharing. It sounds like you are not in the intolerable situation anymore. I do hope you were able to move on. Your post says so much I hope the OP reads it.

@AngelinaFibres amazing post. Brought a tear to my eye.

@PhillyQueen, I suspect your situation happens quite a lot. There are lots of sexless marriages out there.

I'm in a sexless marriage. I'm the one who decided no sex - almost 5 yrs now, mainly driven by my husband's desire to control me. He's also a mummy's boy and I have played second fiddle to MIL our entire married life.
I married in haste and have repented at leisure... Oh yes.

He's still attractive & I occasionally fancy him but still wouldn't have sex with him! He always had the higher sex drive, probably because I ran round like a blue arsed fly, doing all the housework.
Years of resentment have taken their toll on us.

He admits he would like sex or even more intimacy & I'm sure he would but I have said no way. I also wouldn't tolerate him looking outside the marriage. If he wants that, then he would need to end it with me first.
He won't, because he won't want to split the assets (house in his name solely, despite us being together over 20 yrs and a really good pension).

I suspect this is why your husband wants to remain married - doesn't want the upheaval & financial hit. As PP said, he's having his cake and eating it.

Despite our difficulties, we have a nice life. He's the (much) higher earner & generally provides well for us. We do go out together, do coffee/cinema/meals out etc & hold hands when out walking. We also do a lot separately - he has a hobby that he is obsessive about & luckily I get time without him whilst he indulges himself there. He treats me well materially (not that I'm particularly bothered by possessions) and was also very supportive through a tough time I endured recently.
Much more supportive emotionally now than when we first got together, bizarrely.

I'm not sure what I bring to the table. I refuse to contribute to a house my name isn't on. I'm not really the nurturing type either, so it's not that.
Maybe with us it's a case of we don't really want each other but don't want anyone else to have us either? Perhaps we are just happy the way things are.

I'm not naive, he could meet someone & have an affair/leave but if it happens, it happens. I do know I wouldn't be sharing him and it will cost him. A lot.

He would take a financial hit if we divorced but I’m not sure it is one he would notice or would be bothered about. I feel confident that whatever happened, he would want to make sure I was fine financially and would keep the house, it is paid for long ago and he would neither want it or need it.

I know what a lot of you are thinking and I am not a stupid woman. I just love my husband and our life together, apart from that one thing which is insignificant to me but obviously means a lot to him. I don’t want to give him or our life together up, it’s that simple. If it means I have to turn a blind eye to what he is doing then so be it. After all, I am the one who wanted to stop being intimate with him. i had hoped the no-strings sex for him was working but if not then I will just have to put up with it. Life without him or as a couple is unthinkable.

I have learnt a lot about the OW over the past 24 hours and I can’t see her leaving her life for a new one with my DH at all, so I will just have to put up with it for now and hope it fizzles out sooner rather than later. I think it will.

Thank you for all the advice. I realise I am a doormat but I love him.

Hi op I hope you are ok and have managed to talk this all out with your husband, opening up a marriage is always such a risk because sex is for most people an emotional thing yes some people can and do compartmentalize but for many,like someone said up thread sex and romance go hand it hand, I think both of you went into this open marriage without having clear boundaries in place..you need to fix that now if you want to continue the marriage.it's ok not to be ok with the type of relationship he is having with this woman and I have to say that While I don't agree with everything dunes is saying I do get where she's coming from he doesnt seem to be listening to your feelings in this, yes of course his feelings also matter before anyone says it but him saying nothing is going to change and his refusal to stop seeing her is completely dismissing your feelings and I can understand why you feel so betrayed since this was never what either of you agreed to. If you both love each other and want to stay in the marriage then you both need to talk and feel heard. I hope it all works out for u op.

[quote tootootaataa]@AngelinaFibres amazing post. Brought a tear to my eye. [/quote]
Thank you .My first post is on page 16 or 17 where I explained my situation then and my very very much better life now. For what it's worth Op my husband married the 17 year old he was having an affair with when she was twenty something and he was 40ish and they had a child. She is now divorcing him and he is living in a rented flat in the same area where he and I bought our first tiny house. It's not a competition and I genuinely wish him well but above all I will be forever grateful to him for leaving me and forcing me to start a new life. I assumed that marriage was the marriage I was existing in .I would have stayed there forever whilst I slowly faded away .I would have wasted all those precious years being grateful for whatever crumbs of affection he threw my way. If your husband leaves you it may well be the best thing that has ever happened to you. If it happens this year or in 5 years you will break and and you will grieve what is lost then you will heal and create something new. A half life isn't a life no matter how nice the trappings seem to be. And peace of mind is beyond anything money can provide.

@AngelinaFibres
Very brave and heart felt post.
I hope it's a long way in your past now and you are living a life well lived.
I hope op can take your words on board - but is this a lesson you just have to learn the hard way? - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink etc.
One day the op will wake up and find her anger.
Maybe tomorrow, maybe 6 months from now, but at some point the fog will clear.

if it fizzles out OP your husband will find someone else, he will not be content to go back to a life of no sex.

I realise I am a doormat but I love him.

I don't think love justifies what is basically a personal collapse and faith in a false future. If there are feelings involved it probably won't fizzle out any time soon as feelings drive attraction. It may well continue indefinitely until either they both decide to leave their partners. I don't think love will be enough to deal with the pain the situation will cause.

It seems to me that your life together now involves him having a mistress who he has strong feelings for, engages in romantic activities with, and also has sex with.

And then he gets to come home to his wife who won't leave him even though he is hurting her.

Is this the definition of eating your cake, and then still having it?

@Nevermakeit

Do you think she is really smitten with him? He is much older than her - what's in it for her, especially if you have to halve your assets? I think if you love him, it might be worth biding your time.... be pleasant, but set some ground rules (eg not in your house, etc) and try and see if you can gradually loosen her grip (eg - could you go away for several weeks together?). It may be she gets sick of him, and she may be the one to end things... so if you hang on for a bit and play the long game you may get what you want (even if he is clearly having his cake and eating it in the short term). And in parallel, I would def start talking to a lawyer to shore up the financial side of things, as this is most likely to end in a divorce.... and if he sees he stands to lose a lot, this may also help your hand.

because we would all really love to have a husband who won't leave us because of a money hit 🙄

@SuperstoreFan

if it fizzles out OP your husband will find someone else, he will not be content to go back to a life of no sex.

Yes.

Now you know he's looking for an emotional connection as well as sex. He is basically looking for another relationship.

Clinging on to a relationship like this is more painful in the long run than letting it go.