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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
deadleaves · 04/10/2021 16:13

[quote TheGirlCat]@deadleaves

Again, can you please stop inventing narratives that have nothing at all to do with the topic out of desperation to slate the husband? Nowhere did I even hint at or say An alternative explanation to your also made up narrative that she just can't be arsed (rather than bothering to look into reasons why she doesn't want. to) There are lots and lots of reasons other than your explanation that she is just a lazy mean ole' woman who doesn't love her husband enough.[/quote]
I am not making it up - here are some things you have posted:

And you don't even have young children as an excuse. You should be in your prime! As rare as you do? I'd rather not be alive. You sound like you've stopped caring, stopped loving him, stopped wanting to make an effort. Do you love him at all? You should be in your prime, not acting like a woman in a nursing home

Yes, I stand by saying that you are telling OP she cannot be bothered because she does not love her husband at all, because that came across quite clearly in your post.

deadleaves · 04/10/2021 16:15

I never said she should be coerced. Just where in your imagination are you getting all this?

Women were told to think of England when they were enduring sex they did not want to have. I was, rather obviously, referencing that.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2021 16:15

Most women would not be able to live like this. The emotional strain will be immense plus the risk of it all blowing up at any point as a constant threat - your daughter’s childhood friend telling her she saw dad buying lingerie with a lady in a boutique, an angry husband knocking on your door if ow is married. Like you say OP you are already dwelling on details. How can it not take over your thoughts. He smiles at his phone whilst you are sitting watching tv - there but not there with you. He buys you a Christmas gift and your thoughts will be with what he’s bought her not with your family. You mention trying a new restaurant together, he’s already been. You deserve better than a half life set up like this.

deadleaves · 04/10/2021 16:16

[quote shinynewapple21]@TheGirlCat
Your responses are really unpleasant .
You may not understand or empathise with the OP but there is no need to be so unpleasant to her . [/quote]
This.

Nevermakeit · 04/10/2021 16:18

Do you think she is really smitten with him? He is much older than her - what's in it for her, especially if you have to halve your assets?
I think if you love him, it might be worth biding your time.... be pleasant, but set some ground rules (eg not in your house, etc) and try and see if you can gradually loosen her grip (eg - could you go away for several weeks together?).
It may be she gets sick of him, and she may be the one to end things... so if you hang on for a bit and play the long game you may get what you want (even if he is clearly having his cake and eating it in the short term).
And in parallel, I would def start talking to a lawyer to shore up the financial side of things, as this is most likely to end in a divorce.... and if he sees he stands to lose a lot, this may also help your hand.

LoislovesStewie · 04/10/2021 16:28

@Nevermakeit. The problem is that if he still wants sex, whether with this woman or not and the OP still doesn't, nothing is solved by going away, is it? They could go away, and he comes back and finds another woman and the same scenario happens. The problem is still lack of sex/intimacy.

LoislovesStewie · 04/10/2021 16:29

And I don't call 15 years or thereabouts much older, I know couples where that is the age difference.

TravellingWanabee · 04/10/2021 16:44

My worry in your situation OP is that he will increasingly want to spend time with her, maybe at the weekend, or evenings. And what you believe you want to hold on to (family/couple life with him) will become less and less the more he wants to spend those kinds of moments with her.

It's something you need to consider, sex aside. Are you happy for him to split his "family" time between the two of you, with you knowing that he's spending his Sunday doing touristy things with her, for example?

Morningsaregreat · 04/10/2021 16:45

Its not just sex though it is intimacy which for me is more important. Yes of course you can coexist without either and I have no doubt that it works well for some. For the OP's DH he can't and the OP was incredibly generous by recognising that she can't unilaterally decide for both of them that there is no sex. I guess it was inevitable that sooner or later he would find someone else. It's a sad situation and one that no doubt both the OP and her DH would rather have avoided. Someone referenced Hope Gap earlier and when the wife confronted the other women the other woman said 'there were three unhappy people, now there is only one'.

BertramLacey · 04/10/2021 16:48

He said he never really enjoyed meeting women just for sex and had pretty much decided that, after a long break due to Covid, he was going to stop doing that and let his sex life go and be contented with what we had, which we both admit is good and enough in pretty much all areas.

So basically for him sex and a romantic relationship are intertwined. That being the case, your offer of marriage without sex was always going to be unsatisfying for him. I don't think either of you are wrong in this. He wants a marriage which includes sex, you don't. Neither is wrong but it does make you incompatible. And since he doesn't like no-strings sex, he's not going to find your particular version of an open marriage satisfying either.

Sorry OP but since this other relationship is clearly both romantic and sexual, I think currently you're just the back up in case it goes wrong. If it continues to develop, and if it's what she wants as well, I think you'll find he'll be divorcing you.

Don't let anyone badger you into sex you don't want or make you feel that somehow you need therapy to fix this. If your sex drive has pretty much dwindled to nothing, that's not unusual. But I think you may have to accept that as a consequence you'll lose your husband one way or another.

LizzieSiddal · 04/10/2021 16:56

I think EVERYONE needs to remember this thread is supposed to be helping PhillyQueen

Lsquiggles · 04/10/2021 17:08

He agreed to casual sex outside the marriage and has developed real feelings. By the sounds of it, he has an entire relationship with this woman that isn't based on sex at all.

He was seeking sex elsewhere that he wasn't getting at home but has found someone that gives him everything he wants, including romance, dates, companionship etc. Sometimes we can love each other but also acknowledge things have come to a mutual end. Whether it's this woman or the next, I fear this will massively damage your self esteem and your relationship with your husband over time anyway.

You say he doesn't want to stop seeing this woman, what if you told him you wanted him to? Where would his loyalties lie then? Flowers

AngelinaFibres · 04/10/2021 17:15

@Dixiechickonhols

Most women would not be able to live like this. The emotional strain will be immense plus the risk of it all blowing up at any point as a constant threat - your daughter’s childhood friend telling her she saw dad buying lingerie with a lady in a boutique, an angry husband knocking on your door if ow is married. Like you say OP you are already dwelling on details. How can it not take over your thoughts. He smiles at his phone whilst you are sitting watching tv - there but not there with you. He buys you a Christmas gift and your thoughts will be with what he’s bought her not with your family. You mention trying a new restaurant together, he’s already been. You deserve better than a half life set up like this.
This with bells on. Every time he needs to pop out for a while, every time he doesn't come with you to a mutual friends event ,every time he wants to leave a visit to your children earlier than you do you will have to come up with a plausible excuse for where he is. You will have to lie to everyone and worst of all you will have to lie to yourself. Inside your head you will know where he is and what he is doing. How will you cope on Christmas Eve when you know he has spent the afternoon having a romantic pre Christmas with her. I am not saying these things to hurt you Op I am saying them because I have lived this and it will tear you apart. You will never ever be able to ask him where he is going or where he has been because if he tells you he has seen her it will break your heart and if he pauses a little too long while his brain frantically tries to come up with a realistic other option you will know it is a lie and it will break, your heart. If he says he is going out you will never be able to say you are at a loose end and you'll tag along because you will know he is probably going to see her. The strain of it all will eat away at you. I look back at photos of myself when I was going through the same as you. I thought I was doing a fabulous job of hiding it from everyone but really they all knew. I looked like a shell, dead behind the eyes . I didn't dare drink more than a glass of wine in case I broke down and sobbed on someone. All the time I was obsessed about where he was and what he was doing. How will you cope when he has seen her and is too tired to bother with a shower so he gets into your bed. She will be there too in your most private and intimate space. I had to brace myself if my husbabd wanted to kiss me. I couldn't get out of my head what he had been doing to her with his lips, his hands and now he was touching me. It will slowly destroy you. The amount of stress hormone in your body will make you ill. The constant thoughts will be with you 24/7. You asked how you can live with it. You can't. Nobody can. You can try to block it out, you can lie to yourself, you can lie to your children but you are not living. You are just existing until this all blows up. You have independent means, your children are adults who will shower you with love and support. If you don't want them to hate him explain to them as adults to adults that you are separating and creating new lives for yourselves and that you are okay with it. You are only 62. You could live for another 40 years. You are worth so much more than this.
HalzTangz · 04/10/2021 17:16

@PhillyQueen

I don’t even know if OW has a current partner. I know very little about her, other than she exists, has sex with my husband and he is apparently in love with her. I did ask about her but DH said “no details. remember” which is what we agreed and have stuck to. I don’t even know if she loves him back.
He's broke the rules, remind him of that and say you want details. Until you know what this woman feels you won't know if you marriage is about to crumble
Outbutnotoutout · 04/10/2021 17:23

@LizzieSiddal

I think EVERYONE needs to remember this thread is supposed to be helping PhillyQueen
In that case she needs to cut him loose

She won't have sex with her husband, she left it two year then said sleep with other people.

The marriage is dead

rosegoldwatcher · 04/10/2021 17:34

@Morningsaregreat - I watched that film too, following the recommendation from a PP up-thread. The line you quoted 'There were three unhappy people, now there is only one,' was very sad but so apt for those characters situation.

But we don't truly know how happy or unhappy the OP's DH is, and even less about the OW's level of happiness. Neither do I particularly care; this is the OP's thread and she asked for advice on how she can cope with the situation going forward.
SHE is desperately unhappy and, quite frankly, it is pointless for anyone to suggest that she may have 'brought it on herself.' That was then. This is now.

OP - your choice would seem to be to endure your unhappiness in the hope that this relationship fizzles out or to dissolve your marriage now. By doing the former you cannot know when your unhappiness would end, if ever. If you do the latter you will give yourself the chance to heal eventually.

rosegoldwatcher · 04/10/2021 17:43

@AngelinaFibres - your post at 17:15 was so well written. So sad. So true.

Blossomtoes · 04/10/2021 17:44

The marriage is dead

If it were this thread wouldn’t exist. Neither of them wants to give up on the marriage.

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 17:51

If a person is looking outside the marriage for something, the marriage is dead.

honeybuns007 · 04/10/2021 17:53

OP, your DH seems to want to stick with the rules when it suits him (no details) but not when it doesn't. HIS plan was sex. That's all. HE has broken the contract. He doesn't get to state what is going to happen. He may well want to carry in with you and her but the ball is actually in YOUR court. If you can deal with things then carry on. If you can't the tell him so. If he has any genuine love for YOU he will not be able to continue in his affair knowing you are hurting. If he is willing to sacrifice your happiness for his the. The marriage is already over. Go. Create a new life for yourself. How do you possibly think your Marriage has a future knowing he doesn't actually care how you feel?

ManifestingJoy · 04/10/2021 17:54

They are 62 fgs. At what point would you pause and say maybe the marriage is not dead just because they arent having sex

No evidence yet that ms 40 something wants more than dinners and walks

Onthedunes · 04/10/2021 17:56

@TheGirlCat

I seriously hope you can keep your husband pyhsically and mentally entertained forever, because it seems that it's all you have to do, if not then I hope it won't hurt too much when he quite rightfully in your eyes needs to look outside of the marriage for what he needs.

It's so simple, why didn't op think of that.

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 18:01

[quote Onthedunes]@TheGirlCat

I seriously hope you can keep your husband pyhsically and mentally entertained forever, because it seems that it's all you have to do, if not then I hope it won't hurt too much when he quite rightfully in your eyes needs to look outside of the marriage for what he needs.

It's so simple, why didn't op think of that.[/quote]
You've never been married have you.

frazzledasarock · 04/10/2021 18:09

Nobody is saying OP ‘can’t keep her husband entertained’

OP has said herself she doesn’t want sex and isn’t interested in sex and never was much.

Her husband wants/needs sex as part of a fulfilling marriage, he doesn’t want that part of his life to be over.

Neither are being unreasonable to be honest.

But it’s clear the marriage is not going to work as both want different things from a relationship.

OP can rightly choose to never have sex again.

The husband can choose not to remain in the relationship as sex is an important pet of a marriage for him.

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 18:12

@frazzledasarock

Nobody is saying OP ‘can’t keep her husband entertained’

OP has said herself she doesn’t want sex and isn’t interested in sex and never was much.

Her husband wants/needs sex as part of a fulfilling marriage, he doesn’t want that part of his life to be over.

Neither are being unreasonable to be honest.

But it’s clear the marriage is not going to work as both want different things from a relationship.

OP can rightly choose to never have sex again.

The husband can choose not to remain in the relationship as sex is an important pet of a marriage for him.

Well said.