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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:
Washeduponthebeach · 04/10/2021 15:36

Some counsellors are trained sex therapists. You need to look for someone who is.

MercyBooth · 04/10/2021 15:40

You agreed to extra marital sex, not dinners out, walks, romance nor cosy nights in watching the tv

Whats extra about it? Its not extra is it!!!!!!!!

LizzieSiddal · 04/10/2021 15:41

TheGirlCat Then she should let her husband be free to find someone who does and will.

Why is that just up to her? Her H has told her he does not want to leave! You’ve got a very narrow view of this situation!

LizzieSiddal · 04/10/2021 15:42

PhillyQueen you will be in shock at the moment. You need to absorb this new information. Take a few days to mull this change in your mariage over. Flowers

Blossomtoes · 04/10/2021 15:46

So you want to hang on to a marriage that is in name only, and prevent him finding someone that will care about his happiness and make him happy? It sounds like you care about the image and don't care about him or his needs at all

It’s not a marriage in name only. If it was OP’s husband wouldn’t want to stay in it. As it is, he does.

You’re absolutely fixated on sex, plenty of successful marriages exist without it. I do find your insistence that someone has to make herself magic up sexual desire from somewhere when she has no interest in it pretty bizarre. It smacks of “Grit your teeth and think of England”.

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 15:48

@LizzieSiddal

TheGirlCat Then she should let her husband be free to find someone who does and will.

Why is that just up to her? Her H has told her he does not want to leave! You’ve got a very narrow view of this situation!

Many men say they don't want to leave. But clearly he is seeking something outside of the marriage isn't he?
TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 15:51

@Blossomtoes

So you want to hang on to a marriage that is in name only, and prevent him finding someone that will care about his happiness and make him happy? It sounds like you care about the image and don't care about him or his needs at all

It’s not a marriage in name only. If it was OP’s husband wouldn’t want to stay in it. As it is, he does.

You’re absolutely fixated on sex, plenty of successful marriages exist without it. I do find your insistence that someone has to make herself magic up sexual desire from somewhere when she has no interest in it pretty bizarre. It smacks of “Grit your teeth and think of England”.

Seriously? The topic is sex. That he is seeking sex outside the marriage.

That's what the topic is about. Did you even read the OP at all, let alone the OP's posts?

It's clear this isn't a 'successful marriage' because he clearly wants sex. And is seeking it outside the marriage. Your insistence that women cannot enjoy sex and must 'think of England' is both parts bizarre and disturbing. One would think you'd never know it was 2021.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/10/2021 15:51

This thread is fucking horrible to be honest
Op will find her way , but the ‘tough love’ posts are unnecessarily cruel

Also it’s telling how many posts there are

Many women lose interest in sex , it’s not a new phenomena ! It’s been an issue since humanity started

So I suspect many people reading are somewhat ‘there but for the grace of god ,,,,’

Blossomtoes · 04/10/2021 15:52

But clearly he is seeking something outside of the marriage isn't he?

That’s not the same as wanting to leave it. It’s the old baby and bath water arguement.

Blossomtoes · 04/10/2021 15:56

Your insistence that women cannot enjoy sex and must 'think of England' is both parts bizarre and disturbing.

It would be if I’d ever said that but I didn’t. I used to love it and now I don’t. Things (and bodies) change.

One would think you'd never know it was 2021

That’s what I thought when I read your posts. You sound like someone in the 1960s, who’s just discovered sex. ’

LizzieSiddal · 04/10/2021 15:57

Many men say they don't want to leave. But clearly he is seeking something outside of the marriage isn't he?

And? Nobody has said he isn’t. As I said you’re looking at this whole situation in a very narrow way. Your posts are pretty unhelpful to PhillyQueen.

People go off sex
People sometimes stay together and sometimes have open marriages. It doesn’t mean the marriage has to end. And it isn’t all the fault of the person who doesn’t want sex.

deadleaves · 04/10/2021 16:01

[quote TheGirlCat]@deadleaves There you go with inventing things to go with your narrative that the husband is bad. The OP has said nothing about her husband "just not that good in bed", you seem rather desperate inventing that narrative. The OP has said she's never been sexual. That she's never really wanted it. A marriage is about give and take and she hasn't wanted sex. So what happens if one person wants sex in a marriage and the other doesn't? It's not rocket science.[/quote]
I didn't invent it as a narrative. I never said it was happening. I just said that it was a possibility. An alternative explanation to your also made up narrative that she just can't be arsed (rather than bothering to look into reasons why she doesn't want. to) There are lots and lots of reasons other than your explanation that she is just a lazy mean ole' woman who doesn't love her husband enough.

I certainly have not had much of a sex drive with partners who are shit in bed and very much felt like sex with (the rare) partners who were. I'm sure that's not unusual, or surprising.

As for a marriage is about give and take. Jesus! I think telling your partner they can shag other women is just about the biggest give that OP could have done! I really don't think she can be accused of not being prepared to give in this relationship. Her husband is certainly comfortable with taking!.

Unless you think women should sex they do not want and men should have sex with women who don't want to have sex with them?

Blackbird2020 · 04/10/2021 16:01

Oh my god... OP what path are you going down?

What when he gets a bit bored of his latest ‘infatuation’ and finds a second sexual partner, or a third...?! I mean, where does this stop?! This man can basically live a single life, wining, dining and bedding as many lovely ladies as he likes, using your joint savings. Next he’s going to taking this current flame on holiday. Might buy her a super expensive Christmas present too... I mean, what’s stopping him. You certainly aren’t.

Jesus OP, get your self-esteem off the floor.

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 16:02

@LizzieSiddal

Many men say they don't want to leave. But clearly he is seeking something outside of the marriage isn't he?

And? Nobody has said he isn’t. As I said you’re looking at this whole situation in a very narrow way. Your posts are pretty unhelpful to PhillyQueen.

People go off sex
People sometimes stay together and sometimes have open marriages. It doesn’t mean the marriage has to end. And it isn’t all the fault of the person who doesn’t want sex.

I have offered advice to the OP, even mentioned therapy. Your posts have been nothing but unhelpful snarling at other posters. The OP posted that as a result of her not wanting sex, she has agreed to an open marriage. That is what this is about.
shinynewapple21 · 04/10/2021 16:02

@TheGirlCat
Your responses are really unpleasant .
You may not understand or empathise with the OP but there is no need to be so unpleasant to her .

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 16:03

@Blossomtoes

Your insistence that women cannot enjoy sex and must 'think of England' is both parts bizarre and disturbing.

It would be if I’d ever said that but I didn’t. I used to love it and now I don’t. Things (and bodies) change.

One would think you'd never know it was 2021

That’s what I thought when I read your posts. You sound like someone in the 1960s, who’s just discovered sex. ’

Yet you sound like a woman from the 1800s who is shocked that a woman might enjoy sex.
Blackbird2020 · 04/10/2021 16:04

I think the problem is that you have no desire for sex, so see it as an ‘itch to scratch’ and didn’t realise that your husband has a completely different relationship with sex.

It’s not a hobby for him. This is going to get messy...

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 16:05

@deadleaves

Again, can you please stop inventing narratives that have nothing at all to do with the topic out of desperation to slate the husband? Nowhere did I even hint at or say An alternative explanation to your also made up narrative that she just can't be arsed (rather than bothering to look into reasons why she doesn't want. to) There are lots and lots of reasons other than your explanation that she is just a lazy mean ole' woman who doesn't love her husband enough.

Blossomtoes · 04/10/2021 16:05

[quote shinynewapple21]@TheGirlCat
Your responses are really unpleasant .
You may not understand or empathise with the OP but there is no need to be so unpleasant to her . [/quote]
Or to offer rubbish advice to jump through hoops to do something she doesn’t want. How much pleasure would any decent man get from his wife doing that?

deadleaves · 04/10/2021 16:06

Your insistence that women cannot enjoy sex and must 'think of England' is both parts bizarre and disturbing

Blossomtoes very clearly did not say that women cannot enjoy sex. Just that THIS woman has said she does not want sex and should not be coerced to endure sex if she does not want to have it.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2021 16:07

So he’s wanting to carry on openly dating her and be married to you. That’s way beyond what you thought deal was.
You need time to process this and speak to someone. This is a huge thing to deal with.
One thing you’ve not touched on is finance - he’s spending family money romancing her, what if this escalates to expensive jewellery gifts, luxury holidays etc. If you are going to go with this is he going to tell people as the chances of being spotted on their dates is high.

Blossomtoes · 04/10/2021 16:07

Yet you sound like a woman from the 1800s who is shocked that a woman might enjoy sex

Do I? You actually quoted me saying I used to love it. 🤷‍♀️

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 16:08

@Blossomtoes Or to offer rubbish advice to jump through hoops to do something she doesn’t want.
?

What 'rubbish advice' is that? To perhaps seek couples sex therapy to help their marriage? Is that really considered 'rubbish advice' on here?

TheGirlCat · 04/10/2021 16:09

@deadleaves

Your insistence that women cannot enjoy sex and must 'think of England' is both parts bizarre and disturbing

Blossomtoes very clearly did not say that women cannot enjoy sex. Just that THIS woman has said she does not want sex and should not be coerced to endure sex if she does not want to have it.

I never said she should be coerced. Just where in your imagination are you getting all this?
Brokeandtired3 · 04/10/2021 16:11

What are his reasons for wanting to stay with you op?

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