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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

999 replies

PhillyQueen · 02/10/2021 20:42

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

OP posts:

Tillysfad · 03/10/2021 22:39

you can't work out why a desirable woman wants him

Tillysfad · 03/10/2021 22:42

Also, there is absolutely no reason why your children should feel they have to hate him. He hasn't betrayed you other than to feel something.

lisaandalan · 03/10/2021 22:46

Maybe if you had some sort of therapy and starting having sex with each other again, he may stop seeing this woman and realise how much he loves you.

Sex can be a magical part of a relationship and would make your bond stronger and you should grow even closer and fall in love all over again. X

ILoveAGlassofFizzy · 03/10/2021 22:47

@PhillyQueen

Posted too soon. I don’t want the kids to hate their dad or change their relationship with him over this. It’s between us and has nothing to do with them.

Really? Nothing to do with your kids? To be honest its all a bit sleazy really! (They may think that too! )

feelingfree17 · 03/10/2021 22:48

It was only a matter of time.
Very unlikely you can turn this one around.

mathanxiety · 03/10/2021 22:57

I think we’re all guilty of thinking because we don’t want to have sex with our husbands, no one else will either. DH is attractive for his age as I have said. But I don’t know why someone like the OW is interested, I really don’t. From her photos on social media. she is ok for money so it isn’t that, if you can tell.

You speak of 'infatuation' in your posts, and also of 'love'.
DH is merely 'infatuated' (you hope), while you 'love' him.

You don't seem able to countenance the idea of falling in love. Is it the case that you don't understand that for the majority of men and women, falling in love and having sex go hand in hand, and that people can stay in love and incorporate sex into their loving relationship?

Can you really not see that maybe this woman loves your DH?
You have managed to compartmentalise falling in love, loving, and having sex in your own life, but most people don't.

mathanxiety · 03/10/2021 22:58

And the compartmentalising extends to the adult kids and what is and isn't their business.

There's a lot to unpick here.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/10/2021 23:06

Fear of losing a lifestyle isnt a reason to stay. And it is a lifestyle you are losing not a marriage. You want the picture perfect "Swan" marriage without any of the furious paddling to keep afloat that goes on out of sight.

He wants a full relationship and that is not something he can be blamed for. You dont, and I am afraid that that is on you. If you dont want a full relationship, including the physical side, then he will seek that out somewhere else.

And lets be realistic.....is it love for you and your life together that is keeping him there or the fact that a divorce will, by your own admission, cost him a lot. As it is he gets the full relationship with a woman he loves whilst the home side is taken care of by you and it is not going to cost him anything.

You talk of your happy life and that you love him but is it really love? Be truly honest with yourself, is it him you love or your life? Would it be him you missed or your picture postcard retirement? I'll be honest it doesnt sound like it would be him that you would miss, you just dont want to be divorced.

thaegumathteth · 03/10/2021 23:13

OP I've read all your posts but not the entire thread.

I feel like, even if it's subconscious, he's telling you this in the hope you'll pull the trigger on your marriage and he won't have to be the bad guy because then he can say 'but we agreed to this years ago' .

Honestly OP I know it's daunting but I really think you're burying your head in the sand about the inevitable. It's not fair on either of you tbh.

WouldBeGood · 03/10/2021 23:21

You should end it with him @PhillyQueen. It’s not fair to keep him in a sexless marriage. Tbh, he will probably leave anyway at some point so better to end things as amicably as possible.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/10/2021 23:24

You’ve mentioned you are financially comfortable OP and I wonder if your friends are same. Living in set up
like yours to avoid cost/fallout of divorce, it’s not norm whereas in your world it seems to be.
Your children could easily find out - all it takes is for them to be spotted together by someone who knows him. For all you know your child could know and be agonising over telling you dad is having an ‘affair’ These things rarely stay hidden it’s a small world.
You seem so bemused why she’s want husband yet you enjoy his company and want to stay married to him. You know nothing about her or her set up. She may have a demanding job, children that go to their dads leaving her free a few days a week etc. He’s attractive, successful businessman, takes her to nice places, romantic, attentive. I’m ow age and can definitely see how that’s attractive to her.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 03/10/2021 23:29

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p05rqtgq - this is the R4 programme I mentioned. I can see so many parallels here.

SunflowerTed · 03/10/2021 23:31

You’re a brave woman to have encouraged this arrangement. I think your marriage is well and truly over - he is only going to get in deeper and leave you for somebody who is able to offer him a full relationship. Sorry but this arrangement was always going to end in tears. Find a good lawyer as I think you will need one

MsDogLady · 04/10/2021 02:16

Philly, you say that your H is such a fine person. How can that be reconciled with his publicly humiliating you?

He and OW are presenting themselves as a loving couple when they dine out, take walks, and go shopping. I don’t see any kindness, consideration or empathy for you in that scenario. They are being seen, so the news will inevitably spread to your family, friends, and colleagues. Will he lie and tell them that he has your blessing? Will you?

Until now, you were able to function well by compartmentalizing what you believed were his occasional no-string sex assignations in hotels.

I fear that you will now contort yourself to accommodate his new life with his mistress. Keeping the lid down on this new box will surely be excruciating. If you stay, you will likely need the support of counseling to endure it.

frazzledasarock · 04/10/2021 07:38

I don’t think the H is being controlling or anything.

A sexless marriage is really hard if one partner does still wants sex.

A lot of the time sex does (and should imo) involve feelings of affection for one’s sexual partner.

I think your H Is trying to minimise the hurt and fallout this may cause you so is trying to compartmentalise his life with his new P away from you and his marriage.

I do think this was inevitable, eventually the H was going to have sex with someone and extend that experience, romantic dinners/walks/underwear shopping that is all extensions of having sex with a regular partner aren’t they?

If the H is in his sixties he may not want the upheaval of divorce and restarting all over again.
However if his P is in her forties she may want more, could very possibly get pregnant etc.

OP the one thing I would do is go to a solicitors and make sure I was financially secure. And keep a close eye on finances. Just in case.

Human emotions are complex, this type of agreement was playing with fire.

FWBNC · 04/10/2021 09:16

no details, remember

Well, he was happy to break other parts of the agreement, so he needs to tell you what you want to know!

You agreed to casual sex outside of your marriage, you did not agree to him having a mistress. You agreed to extra marital sex, not dinners out, walks, romance nor cosy nights in watching the tv.

HE might want both of you, in whatever way he chooses, but you don't have to go along with it.

I know you want to stay with him, I understand what you want, but honestly he's going SO far out of what you agreed too, how much are you prepared to lose of your relationship for him to give that to her!?

Onthedunes · 04/10/2021 09:38

How many of the posters would be happy if it were happening to their own mother I wonder?

Yes dad crack on humiliating mother, so long as you are getting your sexual needs getting met and want to ride off into the sunset and leave the old woman behind who gave you and us your support all her life.

Hell she even gave you carte blanch to have an open marriage, I can see the middle class posters being really happy with that watching their mother being usurped by a younger model who could have an eye on destroying their future inheritance,

Yeah I,m sure everybody would be pleased their father found his soul mate. Ok for the kids, not so great when it's your own parents.

DameMaureen · 04/10/2021 09:44

@Lana07

'IWillFindYou

It’s really heartbreaking to read how many people think you can’t love/be in love with or that couples are ”only” roommates or friends if there isin’t sex.
It’s really sad.

There are people out here who are able to romantically love just so you know.

Their live isin’t less than because lack of sex.'

How old are you to say this I wonder? :)

I suspect you are one of the many who tell themselves this - it's ok we don't have sex as we love each other romantically . You seem to have a very strange idea that sex is not romantic ? Was it a dirty part of your marriage that you were happy to give up? Sex is the physical expression of your love for each other . I wonder how old you are ...

DameMaureen · 04/10/2021 09:51

@PyongyangKipperbang

I know several women who are like this - they want to keep the lifestyle that their H brings and will put up with it while saying he is such a bastard . Ive also heard them say " she's not getting what is mine " in reference to the house. money, assets accumulated over the years as in they will not divorce them. This is all fine until HE decides he wants out .

Tokyotammy · 04/10/2021 10:01

Onthedunes what happens in their parents marriage really isn't down to the adult children to dictate. They can be sad and upset but they don't get to veto how another adult, or adults in this case, live their lives. You cannot bully someone into staying in an unhappy marriage if they don't want to just because of how you feel. That is an unhealthy relationship.

VenusTiger · 04/10/2021 10:20

@Onthedunes

How many of the posters would be happy if it were happening to their own mother I wonder?

Yeah I,m sure everybody would be pleased their father found his soul mate. Ok for the kids, not so great when it's your own parents.

Seriously dunes wtf are you going on about? Are you getting confused with some hatred for an ex here?

The OP is EXPECTING her DH to find cold sex and that's it. She is controlling his sex life. She has told him to find stranger sex. She has told him to stay married, stay in her life, keep up the 'marriage' but only have sex with strangers and NOT connect with them.

Open your eyes and read Dunes - it is the OP who orchestrated this and agreed, she then put down her copy of the 'rules'. In fact, had the DH gone and done exactly that, it would be considered 'humiliating' and seedy - getting his rocks off with any old hole and going home to the wife pretending it's all normal and healthy.

The DH comes off here as the respectful one - he talked to OP about their sexless marriage (it had been YEARS) and they both agreed with him finding sex elsewhere. He was in fact respectful of her situation and recognised that she didn't want a divorce. Again, all her - what about him, what about his feelings? what about the fact that he'd spent YEARS with NO intimacy from his own WIFE.

Stop blaming him. He has fallen in love - he didn't intend to, the OP didn't intend for it to happen either, but he is not a robot.

Macaroni46 · 04/10/2021 10:21

@DameMaureen agreed. I know women like this. They make a mockery of equality for women.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/10/2021 10:44

FWBNC
You agreed to casual sex outside of your marriage, you did not agree to him having a mistress. You agreed to extra marital sex, not dinners out, walks, romance nor cosy nights in watching the tv.

Wow. So because he didn't fuck and run, isn't actually using a woman in plug and hole style out there, he's in the wrong?

'Extra marital sex' is such a twee phrase. If a woman wants other women to be callously used by her man because that fits in with her own comfort and convenience agenda, then it's never going to end well.

You can't force people to use each other.

grapewine · 04/10/2021 10:47

@venustiger well said!

REDHERO · 04/10/2021 10:57

@DeeCeeCherry

FWBNC You agreed to casual sex outside of your marriage, you did not agree to him having a mistress. You agreed to extra marital sex, not dinners out, walks, romance nor cosy nights in watching the tv.

Wow. So because he didn't fuck and run, isn't actually using a woman in plug and hole style out there, he's in the wrong?

You can't force people to use each other.

Yep. I'm glad he found a loving woman rather than a mere fuck, good for him.

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