Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

Sorry, but you need to divorce now or face a whole load more heartache.

[quote Onthedunes]@BungleandGeorge

Yeah I've seen how abusive men can use love/affection and sex as a tool for abusing their wives.

Withdrawing affection whilst at the same time blaming the wife for not wanting it.[/quote]
He hasn't used love and affection to abuse the OP - if anything SHE has - she's NOT intimate with her husband.

WTF!

She's told him, 'I don't want sex with you, but I want everything else with you, deal with it, there's a good boy'

I think it’s very possible that the ow doesn’t want a wedding ring or a live in relationship and as picked this man accordingly.
I definitely know people who have stayed in marriages for the security and companionship and so they don’t have to be alone. This idea that everyone wants the same thing is not the case. Open marriages seem to work ok when both partners have a high sex drive as an addition to the marriage, rather than replacing something that isn’t there.

@LizzieSiddal

I don't think it's normal to just not have sex anymore many couples go on to have ever long active sex life's, by your own mission and you and friends don't want sex doesn't make it the norm.

I’m not sure what age you are but many couples I know in their late 50s/60s, say they do not have sex very often.

This is because they are stuck with the same partner for 25 plus years and for so many it does fizzle out . Those who are it all the time are usually people in a second relationship .

He did tell me “nothing is going to change” so I do feel a bit better about it now

Why is no change a good thing when you are deeply unhappy with how things are now?

You seem to see 'no change' as him being reassuring, where what he may have meant is a boundary-setting reiteration of what he has told you previously, 'We can talk if you want but nothing is going to change in terms of how I feel about her or how often I see her or how I spend my time with her.''

And everything has already changed in your marriage because you don't like him being emotionally involved with someone else.

I feel pretty sorry for the husband in this situation.

You’re friends, but holding on to him to maintain a lifestyle and to grow old as friends. I doubt that’s what he hoped for when you married.

I am trying to put myself in his position. A spouse who never wants sex with me again, and a partner who is filling my romantic, sexual and emotional needs. I’d leave.

He was never going to be able to stick to an arrangement of ‘just sex’ outside of the marriage. Only a very cold person could do that.

At the same time, if this woman feels similarly to him, it’s a matter of time before they want to be together exclusively.

I agree with previous posters that it’s probably time to move on.

@QueenBee52

If this man is a narcisist, he will take great pleasure in another woman choosing him above her husband or partner.

If any choices are to be made it will be him that makes them, if he wishes to discard his wife it will be on his terms, making sure she is manipulated into going quietly and with all financial advantages going towards him.

Why would it be any diferent, he has had his own way all his married life.

I think this is what the op is asking really, is this the end?

Onthedunes your putting 2 +2 together and coming up with 5. Your talking complete nonsense and looking for stuff that blatantly isn't there at. You don't think circumstances from the ows.

Onthedunes I'm guessing you hate men?

At the same time, if this woman feels similarly to him, it’s a matter of time before they want to be together exclusively

I actually don't agree with this. It is entirely possible that he will want to stay in his marriage whilst having full emotional/ sexual relationships with another woman. I know someone who has done this (without his partners' knowledge) throughout their long relationship. His partner is his ideal woman apart from the lack of sex. So he forms emotionally and sexual relationships with other women so he can stay with her. Personally I think he is a lying manipulative arse who regards women not as people in their own right but as fulfilling a function in his own life.

This husband might leave OP, he may not. But that's not really the question OP needs to answer. She needs to ask herself if she can genuinely be attached to her husband, happy and content, in a marriage like this.

Dangerous gamble, OP. You wanted the home comforts and security of your marriage, but with no physical relationship.

Your DH was honest with you in that a sexless marriage wouldn't suit him and he would like to find partners elsewhere. You both talked, and you agreed to this.

Unfortunately there was never any guarantee that your husband would just want to use women for sex, and then come back to you. As you now see, since he's met someone else he has feelings for.

So you now have the worry of losing face, losing your security of marriage. To be honest it sounds best that you split up. You're like housemates really and I doubt he'll give up the chance of love and a new life just for that. & It's not as if he went behind your back.

I wonder if you somehow think he owes you because you've been together a long while. But life doesnt necessarily work like that unfortunately.

Some pp's have said move on find someone else - but if you do it would make sense to confirm they want companionship, with no sex. Or you'll be back to square one sooner rather than later. You and your DH arent compatible and hopefully you can sort that out amicably.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

DH is attractive for his age as I have said. But I don’t know why someone like the OW is interested, I really don’t. From her photos on social media. she is ok for money so it isn’t that, if you can tell.

You know women don't just have sex with a man because the man is rich, yes?

The way you write that it sounds as if you don't think your husband has anything to offer personality wise!

From the sounds of his feelings, they likely get on really well, have similar sense of humour, are interested in similar things etc as well as having sex.

It sounds like you think women have sex out of either duty / for financial stability and not because they might fancy the pants off someone and enjoy their company.

And it equally sounds like you thought men only have sex with women as a means to an end - to get laid and that's it - when actually many men want the intimacy, fun, closeness and laughter that comes with good chemistry.

I think you've got quite archaic interpretations of gender dynamics tbh.

Well put. It’s as though OP really has no idea about the way sexual and romantic relationships work. There was another thread on here recently about people having instant physical and emotional feelings for one another. Lots of people detailed these connections, some were followed up on and some abandoned due to circumstance. They were not always with people one would expect to be attracted to, but we’re very real nonetheless.

@VenusTiger

I don't want sex from you, but I want everything else with you, deal with it, theres a good boy"

You honestly believe this?

@Brokeandtired3 I disagree. OP hasn't said she's ill. She's said she doesn't like sex. Her DH does and when they got married they were having sex. And then she stopped wanting it. At which point the parameters of the marriage changed.
She should have either looked to see if she could get her libido back or set him free.
I left my exH when I no longer wanted sex with him because I felt it was unfair on him, a man with a high sex drive, to be expected to live without sex. (There were other reasons that I left too but that's not for this post).
I do think that when you get married you are agreeing that you will physically intimate for the rest of your lives. If both partners are happy to stop having sex, that's different. But if one partner stops, there will, inevitably, be fall out.
Jesus to you too!

Were not we’re bloody autocorrect

From her photos on social media. she is ok for money so it isn’t that, if you can tell.

Please do not assume this because you really can't tell.

Successful people like your DH can be a very attractive target.

I am not saying his wealth is her motive, but you and your DH will be the last ones to know if that is the case.

Honestly, I think the best thing that could happen here is he divorces you. You’ve got your head in the sand and until he forces your hand, you are going to continue to let him and his new woman trample every good memory you and him have had together.

Or, you could accept where this is going, make the decision for yourself and leave.

I’ll say it bluntly. You can’t expect him to stay in a marriage where he isn’t getting intimacy. Why would he stay with you when this new woman is fulfilling his sexual and emotional needs? As far as he’s concerned, she’s the full package, which is why he isn’t going to stop seeing her.

If you don’t make the decision, he will. And it will hurt so much more then than it would right now. Leave, start afresh, you’re only in your 60s and you have plenty of years of life to live. Why waste them?

Or, you can stay. Pretend you’re fine. See your husband either blatantly go and see this woman multiple times a week or he lies to you and hides it because you’ve told him it’s upset you. He leaves anyway.

Your life isn’t going to be the same again. He isn’t going to want to go on dates with you. Or holidays. And the longer he sees her, the more likely people will see him out and about with her. People will tell you he’s cheating. People will ask him about it. He’ll tell them it’s an open marriage. How will that make you feel? Everyone knowing your business? It would be different if you were getting something out of it too, but you’re not.

Please, leave him. Don’t be a doormat. You’re worth more than that.

But I don't know why the OW is interested, I really don't

Chemistry?

Why would the OW not be interested? You love your husband and want to be with him. Why shouldn’t she? She is also enjoying the sex so is getting a lot out of it. At some point she is going to want him to leave you though if she reciprocates his feelings .

[quote Onthedunes]@VenusTiger

I don't want sex from you, but I want everything else with you, deal with it, theres a good boy"

You honestly believe this?[/quote]
OP literally said she wanted to stay in the marriage but not have sex with him.

I have to be honest and say I don’t particularly want or like sex as I’ve got older (now almost 60) however I am a realist enough to know that if my H wasn’t happy enough to accept that and suggested open marriage etc- I would immediately seek a separation because whilst my interest in sex is not remotely what it was I don’t want to feel that I’m sharing an emotional connection/relationship. I would rather let someone move on in that situation rather than have the eventual hurt of them falling in love with someone else whilst still with me. —,I think this will end badly OP and better for you to take the bull by the horns now — if it ends in 18 months and he comes back tail between legs- see how you feel then

@Subbaxeo I totally agree it must have been devastating for the DH to be told that he can go and get sex elsewhere. And I think that if sex was part of their relationship originally, to decide you're giving it up is unfair to the other partner.

But.....DH had a choice. If he was unhappy he could have left the relationship. He agreed to seek sexual fulfilment elsewhere, but only sex, not romance. There are plenty of people who are able to separate sex and romance, so theoretically it's possible, although of course there is a risk when you're physically intimate with someone that feelings will develop.

I don't blame him for falling in love with someone he was having sex with. But that doesn't tell the full story does it?

What I do blame him for, and the reason that I think he's borderline abusive is that:

a) he has deliberately engaged in non-sexual activities such as going for walks, dinners, dates etc - you wouldn't normally do any of that if you're just engaging in sex. HIs actions have deliberately brought about the "falling in love" and he has sought it out, not tried to stop it.

b) his behaviour blatantly ignores the boundaries the OP and he agreed and he doesn't seem to care about her feelings on this

c) he expects OP to just accept that he loves another woman, and expects her to accept that he will be taking the other woman on romantic dates and sharing non-sexual experiences

d) he rebukes OP for asking a question that isn't what they originally agreed - despite the fact that he's broken all of their agreements himself.

e) he refuses to give up the other woman and expects OP to accept that he will essentially be pursuing a full relationship with the other woman - sex plus dates, walks, messaging etc - and he expects her to put up with it.

So in a nutshell, yes I do feel that the original decision was rough on the DH. But he agreed to and chose this solution - and yet has deliberately gone out of his way to abuse the trust he was given by OP. The OP's self-esteem seems to be rock bottom and I strongly suspect that the DH knows he can get away with doing whatever the fuck he wants. Maybe on some level he's trying to punish her for "rejecting" him sexually? If he can't stick to what they agreed, he should be ending his marriage - even though OP is desperate to cling onto whatever remnants of her marriage that remains.

If this man is a narcisist he will have convinced her that she is the one who is abusive and therfor by extention everyone who is reading this.

Her narative is his.

He may have felt that he could stick to their agreement but his feelings have developed. He’s human. He’s probably staying on the marriage because he doesn’t want to hurt his wife and still cares for her. Or the OW isn’t ready for a commitment.

Onthedunes you must be on the wrong thread your talking complete crap.