Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

TBH, OP is not that young, but that could help as she's more likely to be able to find a companion - which is all she wants. It's not what your DH wants though and hes already moved on to being her companion as well as sex, which was an obvious risk when you agreed to let him have affairs - an open relationship has equal rules, that's not what this was.

I think what went wrong with the rules. I know some people with very successful open marriages. But they have strict rules attached.

Most have rules that it’s only sex and only allowed once. I think the fact that it was able to go into a second relationship as such. Which means it’s not just an open marriage.

An open marriage is meant to be is sex outside the marriage. It depends on what you both feel is appropriate.

One of the people I know who has an open relationship is you’re only allowed to have sex once with someone. Always use protection. Never bring them into the home or relationship.

Now it depends on whether you are now in a polygamy relationship and whether you’re happy with that. Both of you.

It’s horrible. However he has been honest and this is always a dangerous part of open relationships.

DH is attractive for his age as I have said. But I don’t know why someone like the OW is interested, I really don’t. From her photos on social media. she is ok for money so it isn’t that, if you can tell.

You know women don't just have sex with a man because the man is rich, yes?

The way you write that it sounds as if you don't think your husband has anything to offer personality wise!

From the sounds of his feelings, they likely get on really well, have similar sense of humour, are interested in similar things etc as well as having sex.

It sounds like you think women have sex out of either duty / for financial stability and not because they might fancy the pants off someone and enjoy their company.

And it equally sounds like you thought men only have sex with women as a means to an end - to get laid and that's it - when actually many men want the intimacy, fun, closeness and laughter that comes with good chemistry.

I think you've got quite archaic interpretations of gender dynamics tbh.

@AngelinaFibres

No disrespect but your post will only upset the op. She is in her sixties, far different to being young in your thirties. It wouldn't matter though because her husband has conditioned her into thinking she is undesirable and neither he or anyone else would find her attractive.
Thats how it goes with controlling men as they age.

By the sounds of it op has been with her husband for over 40 years, for the first aprox 35 years they were having regular sex.
Thats years of sex and intimacy and then something changed.

I don't believe this lack of sex or halt in their sex life was her decision.
I beileve he has convinced her that it was, I really do believe there is a lot of gaslighting going on with this man, engineering her to believe an open marriage is what was needed and expected from him.

She sounds so ground down, her confidence shot and obviously feels she can't even compete for his sexual attention, she must feel totally undesirable to not even question this set up.

No woman on earth would want this scenario, other than a woman who has been abused onto thinking she is worthless.
She has been made to feel grateful for the scaps of a marriage due to him systematically breaking down her will.

I don't think op truly understands how cruel this man has been to her, she's never questioned him, what he says goes, I'm sure.
There is much to unravel but I think it goes way deeper than hes reneged on the contract of sex outside the marriage.

I personally think he sounds a very cruel man who has no intention of ever giving op up, however much he likes this ow, he thinks he owns op and is a controlling cunt.

Some women do not even know they have been abused and are being abused.

I don't think it's normal to just not have sex anymore many couples go on to have ever long active sex life's, by your own mission and you and friends don't want sex doesn't make it the norm.

I’m not sure what age you are but many couples I know in their late 50s/60s, say they do not have sex very often.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

DH is attractive for his age as I have said. But I don’t know why someone like the OW is interested, I really don’t. From her photos on social media. she is ok for money so it isn’t that, if you can tell.

You know women don't just have sex with a man because the man is rich, yes?

The way you write that it sounds as if you don't think your husband has anything to offer personality wise!

From the sounds of his feelings, they likely get on really well, have similar sense of humour, are interested in similar things etc as well as having sex.

It sounds like you think women have sex out of either duty / for financial stability and not because they might fancy the pants off someone and enjoy their company.

And it equally sounds like you thought men only have sex with women as a means to an end - to get laid and that's it - when actually many men want the intimacy, fun, closeness and laughter that comes with good chemistry.

I think you've got quite archaic interpretations of gender dynamics tbh.

I was going to say this, but you put it all better than I could have.

He's broken the rules of your agreement. Bad enough, but then he won't give you details as that would be breaking the rules. So it's only him who can do that then?

I don't see how you can continue living with a man who is in love with another woman.

You may not get the choice. It sounds like if she was available he'd be away already. Even if he is being honest and doesn't want your marriage to end, you don't know if he'll change his mind about that tomorrow, next month, next year.

And you have to ask yourself why he doesn't to leave you if that is the truth. He's found another woman, someone he loves, loves spending time with, having sex with. Why is he staying? Because he doesn't want the upheaval of moving out? Because he doesn't want your children and family and friends to know about his affairs? Because she isn't availlable but otherwise he'd be there in a second?

@PhillyQueen

OW is “mid forties” and DH is 62. So she is younger but not ‘young’, iyswim. DH is looks a lot younger, maybe mid-50s tops, as slim as the day we met and has a full head of hair. Women look at him wherever we go, I am not surprised a beautiful woman is attracted to him. But romantic dinners weren’t part of the deal. Walks on the beach weren’t part of the deal. Falling in love certainly wasn’t part of the deal.

So you were expecting a blow up doll or a sex worker OP - that's what this boils down to. You agreed sex only - no connection, no attachment, no emotion. That's simply not possible with a person unless it's a 'job' or you're a doll.

It should've been obvious this would happen and I don't blame your DH here - he clearly doesn't use women, he connects with them.

Didn't you consider sex therapy/hormone check? anything? why don't you want sex with your DH ever again?

I also believe if this man is so controlling within their marriage, op will have been conditioned into believing there is no other option such as leaving and expecting him to be fair with finances.

This relationship will end when he says and not before.
You sound scared of him.

All the rules are his rules

He's a dictator.

Op I think you have been conditioned into thinking you cannot survive without this man.

He's done such a number on you.

Some women do not even know they have been abused and are being abused.

Hang on.

What she says is what she’d say if she weren’t being abused, but you’re suggesting it’s also what she’d say if she were being abused. Therefore, you reckon, it’s obvious that she’s being abused. The very fact that there’s nothing in her posts to support any of your speculations is evidence that you’re right about her.

This kind of analysis of the available evidence, I’d suggest, is the major flaw in the system of trial by jury.

@Bananarama21

Subbaxeo I agree I don't get the hate against hi. Is he expected to stay in a sexless marriage? Op doesn't want to break up the arrangement was for as much her as it was him.

Exactly. If OP didn't want him with other people, she could have said so. She agreed to it because it benefited her too - she got to keep her husband around, had the social appearance of remaining married, etc. She isn't being held hostage.

She wants marriage, without the sex. That's a big ask to many people. He wants marriage with other partners, also a big ask to many people. They're both equally able to walk away at any time, if OP hasn't done so that's on her.

@Onthedunes

All the rules are his rules

He's a dictator.

Op I think you have been conditioned into thinking you cannot survive without this man.

He's done such a number on you.

Bollocks.

@wizzywig

Perhaps it could be worth having a sit down and saying: I'm not going to divorce you. Keep that part of life, where you are seeing someone else, away from this house.

But the OP isn't happy with him having that part of his life whether it's away from the house or not so where does that take her?

Whatever he's got someone wants it. Perhaps that is half of the problem, he is attractive, he feels that sex is important, and you really didn't think anyone would want to have sex with him. BTW being sexually attractive and good-looking aren't the same thing IMHO.

@Onthedunes

I also believe if this man is so controlling within their marriage, op will have been conditioned into believing there is no other option such as leaving and expecting him to be fair with finances.

This relationship will end when he says and not before.
You sound scared of him.

Alternatively, OP wants her cake and eat it - she doesn't want her husband to leave for a romantic connection which includes sex, but doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with him which is part of (most) marriages.

Her husband has suggested an alternative where OP gets to keep the companionship she wants, still doesn't have to have sex, and avoid faffing around with a divorce. DH gets the romantic + sexual connection he wants in a partner and also gets to avoid the hassle of divorce and keeps the companionship with OP.

Op is just waiting to be dicarded by her narcisistic husband.

It's the final chapter.

@Onthedunes

They weren’t having regular sex until 5 years ago. She says it was never that frequent and didn’t bother them , from the first post
we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether.
Stopped 8 years ago.

@scarpa

Really?

I would suggest no one on God's earth really wants that scenario.

Exactly. If OP didn't want him with other people, she could have said so. She agreed to it because it benefited her too - she got to keep her husband around, had the social appearance of remaining married, etc. She isn't being held hostage.

She wants marriage, without the sex. That's a big ask to many people. He wants marriage with other partners, also a big ask to many people. They're both equally able to walk away at any time, if OP hasn't done so that's on her

100 percent agree. Alot of emotions are associated with sex especially regular sex with the same person, it was inevitable that a connection was going to be made with someone.

@Onthedunes

All the rules are his rules

He's a dictator.

Op I think you have been conditioned into thinking you cannot survive without this man.

He's done such a number on you.

What??? Why are pps saying this?! Yes it was his suggestion, yes he had affairs - so OP should've left the marriage when he broke the vows. Instead she stayed as she NEEDS him - she's admitted to that, she likes their lifestyle, they travel etc. this is not about DH it's about what the OP is prepared to put up with. She can leave whenever she likes. If this was reversed, pps wouldn't expect the OP to be in a sexless marriage with NO intimacy. They are best friends at best.

You have both made your beds OP. Leave or stay. You've no right at this point to tell him how to feel. He hasn't told you how to feel, he hasn't coerced you into a divorce, he hasn't pressured you into bed/sex therapy.

MN is so one-sided.

If this OW is looking for a Wedding ring., then she might be mistaken then ?

@BungleandGeorge

Yeah I've seen how abusive men can use love/affection and sex as a tool for abusing their wives.

Withdrawing affection whilst at the same time blaming the wife for not wanting it.

Onthedunes your talking nonsense and blaming the man in the situation. Op doesn't want sex, she also didn't want to leave the relationship and her lifestyle that it entails. No where has she said she's is emotionally abused by him.

@PhillyQueen

Posted too soon. I don’t want the kids to hate their dad or change their relationship with him over this. It’s between us and has nothing to do with them.

Unfortunately the relationship will change. They might be adults but they will see you as good old mum and dad, a couple a unit. If you are living in different places they will see you at different times. What happens at family events will it be mum, dad and dads new partner? I can understand why you don’t want to break up a marriage. After 30+ years your life is entwined and the fall out will affect lots of people. So sorry op.