Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

This is just so, so sad. You are not in an open marriage OP. Your husband has an affair partner, someone he sees for more than just sex.

Is this really how you pictured your life ending up?

@Blackbird2020

All this blame for the husband. He was given permission to do this! It’s not his fault!

He was given permission to have no-strings sex. The OP felt comfortable with that arrangement.

She does not feel comfortable with this current situation, has expressed as much to her DP, but he’s told her he’s doing it anyway, because he wants to. Tell me how it’s not his fault

OP needs to stand up for herself. She has a CHOICE TOO!!

OP let her husband do this despite knowing the risk that anybody can fall for someone there's no guarantees that a fling won't mean you genuinely care about someone. Her DH is having his cake and eating it because OP is currently allowing it. Its very much her fault.

What a shit show

Your spirit will be completely crushed if you continue to live like this.

Your husband has a mistress and has fallen for her, meanwhile you are on the sidelines hoping nothing will change.

It already has. How soul destroying for you to believe this is the life you are choosing to live.

Are your DC aware of the situation op? How does/will this impact them and their relationship with you and him?

I assume DC are not aware of any of this, the open marriage agreement, his previous flings and now this woman. They all live out of the home now.

Posted too soon. I don’t want the kids to hate their dad or change their relationship with him over this. It’s between us and has nothing to do with them.

He says nothing will change. There's only one way this is going... he will continue seeing her and enjoying romantic dinners and sex and then at some point he will decide he wants to be with her all the time and will leave you for her.
It's gone beyond sex and gone beyond the original agreement you made.

You decide whether to hang around waiting for him to leave or just end it now.

At some point the OP agreed to her husband having sex outside the marriage;it's not an open marriage because she isn't interested in sex. The time to say 'no'was then not now as that ship has sailed. You gave permission and didn't think it through. I would leave and at least have some peace.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but feelings often get the better of things and that is the reality of this situation.

If he's going out for dinner and stuff with this lady sooner or later your kids will see him or a friend of theirs. It will come out don't think he'll keep it hidden forever.

@Washeduponthebeach

Are you not worried about STDs? Why on Earth was he seeing other women during lockdown? I presume that’s what you mean.

I really don’t understand why you are happy for your husband to be having casual sex with multiple other women.

He wasn't seeing other women during lockdown.

Because the OP wants her cake and to eat it too.

OP that arrangement just suits your dh whereas you're gambling all your self-respect, worth and confidence. In the end you may even end up alone anyway when you're only a shadow of your former self.

It was foolish not to realise that giving your DH your blessing to see other women for sex might result in this.
Your marriage has become a lie, you are lying to yourself and your children. Now is the time to consider your future, I don't understand how you can even consider carrying on with this arrangement.
Time to go your separate ways, however hard.

When we were in our early thirties ,with young children , my now ex Dh began an affair with a 17 year old he worked with. I had taken time away from my teaching job as our children were 2 and 3 years old. He was awful with money so we had credit card debts etc. I was brought up in a family where people married for life no matter what so I didn't feel divorce was an option and I didn't feel I had anywhere to go. I look at my actions know and I wonder what the hell I was thinking but at the time I was desperate for the life I knew no matter that it was a lie. I offered to let him have this affair and do whatever he wanted as long as he stayed and we put on a front as a happy family to my parents and the rest of the world. We would put the children in the same bedroom and he could have a bedroom of his own. He wasn't to bring her to the house but he could do whatever he wanted as long as he was discreet and I didn't know any details. He decided to leave me and got himself a flat. I am so glad now but at the time I was utterly devastated. I thought I would die of the physical pain of it all. Seeing him with her and knowing that she was spending time with my children made me feel physically ill. Four years later I met the man I have been with for 20 years this December. We have been married for 18. My second marriage has been the best time of my life. He is my husband and my best friend. He brought up my children with me. They regard him as much their father as their biological father. I would never have had the life I have if I had hung on to my first husband. I would never have known what a loving partnership really feels like where you are number 1 to them as they are to you. You have years and years of life to have that. Plenty of people want affection and love without sex . You are living a lie and there is so much more out there . You are young enough to grab it. Don't waste it it is far too precious.

I agree with PP that the treatment from your DH is now bordering on abusive. He reprimands YOU for trying to break the agreement, when he has already blasted the boundaries you agreed by falling in love with a sexual potential and engaging in non-sexual activities.

He has actively engaged in romantic pursuits - he didn't accidentally catch feelings while they were shagging. Going for walks, meals, dates etc - he has brought about the emotional attachment, with seemingly no regard for how you might feel about this. He literally believes he can do whatever the hell he likes, and you just have to suck it up because you don't want sex.

While it's true he may well have felt rejected and upset before, that doesn't excuse deliberately pursuing a relationship which completely ignores the boundaries you agreed. The relationship you have with your DH in your head OP just doesn't exist. This may blow over, but what about the next one? Your DH has had a taste of a full-blown affair now and all the excitement - with none of the consequences - and you can be certain he has no intention of EVER giving that up. Your hopes for a fun retirement with just you and him travelling the world are gone. His interests lie elsewhere now, and you'll just have to fit in with his other plans.

Also, he has promised you "nothing will change" - he also promised you that he would only have sex, no romantic attachments yet he's wining and dining this other woman, and arranging dates. With the greatest respect, he's not exactly proven to be able to stick to his word.

I honestly don't mean to sound harsh but I really worry for you, given everything you've described. You don't want to lose him and you're willing to accept whatever scraps he throws your way until he decides to leave for good. You are worth so much more than this - and until you respect yourself, he won't respect you either.

I hope you figure this out somehow.

This was always going to be a disaster - you never know perhaps you will meet a man who you do desire sexually instead of living this way .

@PhillyQueen

I told DH I wanted to talk about it and we’re going to do so later. He did tell me “nothing is going to change” so I do feel a bit better about it now. He also told me they had only been seeing each other since “June or July” and it’s barely October now, so I am hoping he is not actually in love with her, just infatuated right now.

He didn’t see other women during Covid and wasn’t looking when he met her, apparently. I don’t know her (I knew that already) and a lot of the details I have pieces together myself (cc records) rather than him telling me.

You're deluding yourself here. If it's not her, it'll end up being someone else. He's never going to go back to it being 'just sex.' If he's saying that nothing is going to change then by being a doormat you are simply going to have to learn to live with it. He may travel with you and go out for dinner with you, but you'll always know that he's probably wishing he was travelling or having dinner with her. I certainly couldn't live like that. You don't need to fall out about it, just go your separate ways or you are honestly going to be miserable for the next 20 years.

He wasn’t seeing anyone over lockdown. He met this woman months after they were both vaccinated and there was no lockdown then. I don’t worry about STDs because we haven’t been intimate for years.

I have spoken to close friends about the whole situation before. They’re both in sexless marriages and I just thought this was fairly normal at our age. One of my friends knows her husband has a woman he sees, she stopped short of calling her his mistress but that’s what it is by the sound of it, and my other friend assumes her husband is not unfaithful but doesn’t really know for sure and doesnmt want to know. I think we’re all guilty of thinking because we don’t want to have sex with our husbands, no one else will either. DH is attractive for his age as I have said. But I don’t know why someone like the OW is interested, I really don’t. From her photos on social media. she is ok for money so it isn’t that, if you can tell.

Perhaps it could be worth having a sit down and saying: I'm not going to divorce you. Keep that part of life, where you are seeing someone else, away from this house.

@SpidersAreShitheads-how can it be abusive when the alternative for him was to be trapped in a sexless marriage? Sex confers great intimacy on a relationship-and if both parties don’t want to have sex, they can find it on other ways with each other and still be physically affectionate. But that’s not the case here and her husband still longed for a physical relationship. I don’t get all the hate for the husband on here-I’d be devastated if my husband decided he didn’t want sex any more and told me I could just go and get some stud.

I don't think it's normal to just not have sex anymore many couples go on to have ever long active sex life's, by your own mission and you and friends don't want sex doesn't make it the norm. It must be soul destroy when your partner who you love doesn't want to be intimate. I think your kidding yourself and don't want to change the status quo.

[quote MMmomDD]@PhillyQueen - this is obviously not ideal.
But I do think most open marriages run into issues with unexpected feelings. It hurts and it’s unfair on the other partner - but I don’t think humans can help developing some attachment to their sexual partners.

You can obviously leave as many here advise. But most people who say that don’t really believe (or understand) open marriages.

If I were to look at is as an uninvolved observer - i’d say, try to stay calm and most likely this will blow over. He doesn’t want to divorce. Neither do you.
An ultimatum to leave her may actually backfire and push them closer together.
As is it - it doesn’t appear that she wants anything more than what they have. She is happy with a part time ‘affair’ - you said she has a partner?
Given that they have nearly 20 years age difference - there is a natural limit to this relationship. He will not continue looking years younger for that much longer and she’ll most likely move on to another OM.

However - given that you are struggling with this - you and your H need to start communicating at a different level.

He needs to understand that you feel threatened and hurt. And you need to work though your fears.
If you both want to preserve this marriage, both would need to find some compromise -
where he, possibly, cuts down on the more ‘romantic’ interactions. And you slowly learn to relax.[/quote]
So much bad advise here. OP can’t just expect him to reduce contact and feelings fade with it. That’s not how feelings work, if anything it’s likely to enhance them. People aren’t consciously in control of falling in love 🙄
Stop giving the OP false hope!

Philly you said he’s had affairs before, so this has now turned into another affair.

I’m god you’re having a talk later. He needs to understand that you are very concerned that he will fall in love with this woman and your marriage will end because you did not sign up to him having a mistress he loves.

He needs to understand this could be the end of your marriage.

Subbaxeo I agree I don't get the hate against hi. Is he expected to stay in a sexless marriage? Op doesn't want to break up the arrangement was for as much her as it was him.

He is not treating you with any respect OP, that's the problem. For an open marriage to work there has to be agreement and both parties have to respect that and stick to it. He expects you to stick to your side - 'no details' - while he does exactly whatever the fuck he wants.

You ask how you handle it - well I guess you need to ask where he sees things going with her, would he leave you if she asked him to etc. You don't want to know the answers at the moment but that is just burying your head in the sand - it is all happening whether you like it or not. So you need to talk, and if you both want the marriage to carry on then you need to renegotiate boundaries in light of this new relationship. The sticking point of course is that he has already trampled all over one set of boundaries so how do you trust him with the new ones? The answer is of course that you can't and that's unfortunately what you're going to have to live with.

I'm sorry he's treating you this way op, it may not be a huge surprise to most that it's happened but the fact he's not prioritising you in this while at the same time not being prepared to leave is desperately unfair IMO.