Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

It absolutely is possible to have sex and view it as just a physical act. I did it with an ex. He offered sex in a plate and I took it simple as that. He was very Good at it , very good. We did things I had Beveridge quarantine else before. The issue was He wanted more and I didn't. He couldn't cope so I ended it.
Sounds like your dh is the same as my ex.
If us were you I would concentrate on yourself. Find things you enjoy and do them. Springtime on investing in yourself. If that me and buying new clothes and perfume then do that. Go out with friends or do things alone.
Why not get yourself a no strings attached lover, your dh did. I can guarantee with the right person you would enjoy sex, it just often becomes boring with the same bloke accountable discovered.
Stop dancing to your husbands tune. What happens in areas where you are dissatisfied? Are you allowed to get another man to fill the gaps? I doubt it. If your dh refuses to do something you want do you go and chose a male escourt for the day and go with him?
Scientists upstanding back and allowing your dh to piss all over you?
You won't get any miracle answers on here because it can't work out happily for you.
Stay and play a conf fiddle for the rest of your life until the day you die or get a divorce, separate amicably and begin to enjoy the rest of your life.

@Macaroni46 I think that is highly untrue. When you get married your vows dont include "and I give my body to you unconditionally". Its to be together in sickness and health, that means if someone suddenly develops something which means they're sex drive is affected or non existent people dont get a right to hold their marriage against them. It's not deliberately "condemning" someone to a sexless marriage like it's a sentence, life happens, people change situations change but its choosing to live up to your marriage and stick by each other through and through that matters. Jesus.

I told DH I wanted to talk about it and we’re going to do so later. He did tell me “nothing is going to change” so I do feel a bit better about it now. He also told me they had only been seeing each other since “June or July” and it’s barely October now, so I am hoping he is not actually in love with her, just infatuated right now.

He didn’t see other women during Covid and wasn’t looking when he met her, apparently. I don’t know her (I knew that already) and a lot of the details I have pieces together myself (cc records) rather than him telling me.

Bloody auto correct!

@PhillyQueen

I don’t even know if OW has a current partner. I know very little about her, other than she exists, has sex with my husband and he is apparently in love with her. I did ask about her but DH said “no details. remember” which is what we agreed and have stuck to. I don’t even know if she loves him back.

I think the agreement has been broken by him ... so for him to 'reprimand' you about the 'no details' rule is seriously hypocritical and he needs told as such..

He says nothing is going to change. How are you ok with this? He is obsessed with someone else and had broken the agreed rules re not doing to dating stuff or romantic meals and underwear. Why don't you have enough self worth and esteem to at least sit him down and tell him you are not ok with this?

Im a bit surprised you didnt take into account the huge liklihood of feelings developing and that being very challenging.
If youre in a polyamorous relationship then people often have more than one relationship runnng concurrently. It was unrealistic to say he wasnt allowed to develop feelings for people but it was ok to have sex with them.
This is the exact reason I couldnt deal with an open relationship or polyamorous set up, as im not particularly jealous at the thought of my partner having sex with someone else, but i couldnt deal with him falling for someone else or having deep feelings for them, and you just cant really stop that from happening if youre regularly being intimate with someone. Otherwise they may as well just wank.

In my opinion if you dont want to end the relationship and would not be prepared to issue an ultimatum, then you might just have to wait and see if it works out and put rules in place so that you arent excluded from him.
Do you have dates with him and romantic times, or is your relationship mainly domestic?

He sounds vile and I agree bordering on abusive now...

He's happy as Larry ... no divorce so no upheaval of the split of assets ... and a out in the open lover ...

meanwhile you are sat home alone forever..

Divorce him

The marriage vows used to say",with my body I the worshipped. If you never had sex with each other once married,it was not considered a "proper marriage and could be annulled on the grounds of "none consummation of the marriage". Same as it was said,there can be no rape inside marriage. This was how it was

If it is emotional with her you need to decide ask him to stop and you work out the physical and he gives you the emotional or you divorce. If he is in love with her - let him go and divorce him as the kids and you will know his heart is elsewhere

@PhillyQueen

He did tell me “nothing is going to change” so I do feel a bit better about it now. He also told me they had only been seeing each other since “June or July” and it’s barely October

^
In all due respect he can't make that promise / statement- no one knows the future.

Also, some of the other things he is saying smacks of the script - deny, minimise ( he's already got blame in with the sexless marriage bit. )
But your right , give it 6 months for the infatuation to ware thin.
This is not a not an open marriage.
It's an affair.
Maybe looking at it like this may give you a better perspective.
In situations like this you are fulfilling some of his needs and she is fulfilling some of his needs.
You are sharing him. And he's living a kind of half life.
Doesn't seem very fair on any of you.

It took two years before either of you broached the subject of no sex. How do you think he felt during that time? Rejected. Unloved. Undesired. Confused - what should he do?
He then suggested an open marriage. I wonder whether at that point he was hoping you would refuse and kick start your sexual relationship with him. Your agreement to him seeking sex outside of the marriage may well have left him feeling rejected, unloved, undesired

This is exactly what struck me about the whole situation as well. Has he told you honestly how he was feeling during this time? @PhillyQueen it really doesn't sound like it has always been a happy marriage with one or the other of you suffering over the last few years. Would he be open to marriage counselling as a last ditch attempt to salvage it all?

Nothings going to change from his POV because he's in a good place, two women pandering after him.

Op you aren't happy, so you do need to talk. I believe the marriage is salvageable but you both need to work on it.

He did tell me “nothing is going to change” so I do feel a bit better about it now.

Wrong. Nothing is going to change unless you change it. Given this is his stated position, I'd say talking about it was a waste of breath, much less making you feel better about the situation.

But if you're determined to stay, that's your look-out.

All this blame for the husband. He was given permission to do this! It’s not his fault!

OP you seem very determined to stay with him regardless. I don’t think anyone here can ‘in good faith’ give you good advice for that since your husband has broken the rules of your agreement and simply doesn’t care if that causes you pain.

You’re in deep denial, you don’t want the status quo to change - most people don’t want that either, so it’s fairly normal to feel that way.

But it’s you that has to tie yourself in knots trying to work out what’s going on, you that’s worried about what might happen. Frank you if he promises you that things won’t change - he’s lying. No one can promise that, least of all him, since he’s always broken the key aspect of your ‘open relationship’ agreement and is hypocritically telling you that you can’t ask for details.

He has (and/or wants) another woman, more than for just sex, so aside from the range of non-sexual activities they’re sharing, he’s also spending time in your home messaging and connecting with her further. This is a relationship, not a fuck buddy and you need to wake up to reality.

It’s highly likely that from this point on you will be fed a version of ‘the script’ and slowly but surely he will be spending more and more time with her. If she calls it off, there’ll be someone else, because he clearly has needs beyond sex which he wants fulfilling.

I know two couples whose marriages became sexless over the years. One couple are still together and extremely happy, the other isn't.

The difference between the two couples is that couple 1 are inseparable, very affectionate with one another and physically close even though there is little or no sex. They are both content in spite of the lack of sex, and neither one feels hard done by. No-one who knows them is in any doubt that they are a happy and very much 'together' couple.

With couple 2, the lack of sex was very much at the instigation of one party. The other was resigned to it over the years but always resented it and felt rejected. With this couple there was also a distanct lack of physical contact and affection in general. They didn't hold hands for example, didn't snuggle up in bed or on the sofa together, led quite separate lives socially in the last two or three years as well. Not surprisingly, the one who would have liked more sex eventually had an affair and the marriage broke down. When I talked to them about it, it came to light that it wasn't just the sex they missed, it was some affection and attention in general. They felt that their spouse had been cold and unaffectionate for years and they'd been lonely. I think if things had been different in their marriage they would have preferred to stay in it and stay faithful.

@PhillyQueen

I told DH I wanted to talk about it and we’re going to do so later. He did tell me “nothing is going to change” so I do feel a bit better about it now. He also told me they had only been seeing each other since “June or July” and it’s barely October now, so I am hoping he is not actually in love with her, just infatuated right now.

He didn’t see other women during Covid and wasn’t looking when he met her, apparently. I don’t know her (I knew that already) and a lot of the details I have pieces together myself (cc records) rather than him telling me.

HE can say what he likes though, it has changed, he is in love with another woman so everything has changed. You need to stop being so willing to appease him which is hard when you're frightened of losing him.

But he is not treating you fairly, telling you "Nothing will change" without asking if your going to put up with it or leave him? that's a bit presumptuous don't you think? Is he not worried you might walk out? or does he not care?

In his shoes I would be expecting you to leave, he may even be pushing you to end it so he doesn't have any guilt to deal with.

No rational, decent man tells his wife he loves someone else and will continue to romance her from inside your marital home so you best suck it up and keep schtum. Only a man who doesn't care if his wife leaves him would do that, Or he sees you as a doormat who will stay still while he wipes his shoes all over you.

This is sounding like time spent that you will look back and regret putting up with.

so I am hoping he is not actually in love with her, just infatuated right now

^ This is your life??? You’re hoping your husband isn’t in love with someone he’s having regular sex with???

I don’t actually understand what you are getting out of this marriage now... you can’t even call him your friend. No friend of mine would treat me like this.

@Washeduponthebeach

All this blame for the husband. He was given permission to do this! It’s not his fault!

This

He did tell me “nothing is going to change” so I do feel a bit better about it now

Does he not mean that nothing is going to change as in he is not going to stop seeing her. But also wants to continue in his marriage.

If you are happy to accept this for an easy life then go ahead. Personally, I would rather be single that have 3 people in my marriage.

All this blame for the husband. He was given permission to do this! It’s not his fault!

He was given permission to have no-strings sex. The OP felt comfortable with that arrangement.

She does not feel comfortable with this current situation, has expressed as much to her DP, but he’s told her he’s doing it anyway, because he wants to. Tell me how it’s not his fault

Are you not worried about STDs? Why on Earth was he seeing other women during lockdown? I presume that’s what you mean.

I really don’t understand why you are happy for your husband to be having casual sex with multiple other women.

I hope they use protection,last thing you need is a surprise baby.

That’s what I was thinking too.