Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

If you continue to hope they'll break up, you could in for years of anxiety. It's really not fair to do that to yourself.

You agreed to an open marriage to try to stay together. It worked for a while. It's not working now. You need to get some self respect and stop letting have his cake and eat it. You need to take back control.

@WetPaint4 makes a valid point op I think you really need to consider this.

What if she decides it's her or you? What if she wants a committed future with your husband and you get tossed to the side? You could walk away with your dignity in tact now or stay and bide your time living in the constant shadow of this woman. She holds all the cards. Even if you feel "okay" about this setup surely your self worth will make you want to reconsider this?

Perhaps you need to ask what the new rules are. So you can decide if you can live with them. And really you do need to have some lines drawn ahead of that conversation.

I'd say maybe some sealed envelopes exchanged.

I suspect that he might want you both full time in his life. Taking her to 50+% of functions etc. How do you feel about this arrangement being public knowledge because it must be coming up to that.

Ignorance isn't bliss in this situation because you aren't ignorant enough.

@Wallywobbles it's not like her husband followed glthe rules before though? So she cant exactly feel like the rules would be a safety blanket or be able to trust them

Of course I will put up with it, I don’t see an alternative for me, I just want to know how I can deal with it, not if

Op, no-one can tell you how to deal with this. The entire dynamic of your marriage has changed, and is unlikely to ever be the same again. Your husband is in a full emotional, sexual relationship with another woman. How you feel about him and your marriage will never be the same again. You thought you could remain the dominant force in his life whilst he had meaningless sex with other women , and that hasn't happened. He doubtless had real feelings for the other women too, but has fallen harder for this one.

No-one can offer reassurances or tell you how to cope with this. You wanted a emotionally monogamous relationship and you don't have one. You need to decide if you have the personality and values to be actively happy and content in a relationship where your husband is in a full emotional relationship with someone else, to the extent that he does not care about the pain this causes you. You are no longer the dominant partner - she is.

This is in no way a true polyamorous relationship, partly as you both never considered what this meant or agreed to it and because your partner is doing what suits him regardless of the impact on you. Personally I think him throwing in your face that you said he could do this is cruel. It is clear you never agreed to this set up .

You do not seem to be able to live like this without pain. Most people couldn't. To be honest, this is a situation in life where you have no good choices. You need to decide which of these bad choices you want to live with. Personally, I think that staying with him will slowly corrode you.

But its your choice.

Sorry OP, it sucks.

Rules rarely work though. And a rule about never falling in love was never going to.

What you can have is boundaries for yourself, and consequences if they are breached.

So not "You can't do x", but "If you do x, I will do y".

@Brokeandtired3 how do you square the circle where one person thinks physical intimacy is essential to their life and the other person would prefer to be without it? I can’t really call what he has done a betrayal. It’s not like a business contract. I think another poster hit the nail on the head when she said people with low or no sex drives can’t understand the emotional closeness sex brings-they view it as a purely transactional thing. If the OP wants the marriage to continue then she really does need to turn a blind eye. She’s made clear she’s not interested in the physical side of marriage even though she loves her husband and in other ways they’re good together. But to expect someone for whom sex matters to just live trapped without it is unrealistic. Because it doesn’t matter to her, she is surprised by her husbands feelings for this woman-what was he supposed to do? It’s not as if illness made a sexual relationship impossible-just disinclination.

I agree with PP saying this was never actually an open marriage. It was you giving him permission to have casual sex. You know you gave him that permission because you knew he would do it anyway so it was a farcical agreement . It was also a very clear sign that your marriage was over.

This woman is now more important to your DH than you both romantically and sexually. Your husband cares so little for you and your feelings that he is telling you all this. You are required to put up and shut up. He might well stick around because it's convenient for him at the moment but don't kid yourself that he loves you or respects you. Are you really willing to settle for this?

There is an old saying that you can't fix a marriage by going outside the marriage and this is a fine example of that.

@PhillyQueen

I don’t even know if OW has a current partner. I know very little about her, other than she exists, has sex with my husband and he is apparently in love with her. I did ask about her but DH said “no details. remember” which is what we agreed and have stuck to. I don’t even know if she loves him back.

But he hasn't stuck to no details as you know what they are up to and its torment for you so he can stick his 'no details' comment up his arse. Be wary of him drip feeding and then refusing to answer your questions as that sounds like headfuckery that he can twist into you being 'difficult' when weighing up his options

Is it possible he wants the monogamous relationship including sex as mentioned by a PP? you need to ask him directly because honestly this has got He will leave you written all over it. You're pinning your hopes on her not wanting him to be frank. At some point this 'love' will turn into comfy enough to live with and then what can you offer except your history?

You've got bigger balls than I have because there's no way my self esteem could cope with knowing I wasn't the only one. I also agree with PPs suggesting you speak to a professional about this because this is not ok for you and it could get so much worse. I couldn't imagine years of living in another womans shadow in my own home

I’m sorry. Of course it has though. Not sure why you ever expected otherwise.

Sex without emotion is not satisfying long-term.

You need to divorce and move on with your lives.

It is sad that your sex life stopped in the first place. I wonder what was behind that? He obviously still wanted it. Sometimes sex really tells us how we feel about someone, sometimes it might be because of other issues you had that you didn’t want it anymore. It was probably then that your marriage broke, when the sex stopped.

I’m sorry as you still love him. Unless you want to turn around completely, explore why it stopped, then it’s over.

OP you naively think this is an infatuation that will pass and you will retire happily together, go travelling etc

When in fact the reality is that your DH is an another relationship. Sex, romantic dinners, underwear shopping, walks on the beach. Soon he'll be introducing her to friends and family!

Your future depends on what SHE wants. Are you going to live your life waiting and hoping that the person your husband has fallen gets bored or goes off him?

She may decide that she doesn't want to share him with you. What will he do then?

There is an old saying that you can't fix a marriage by going outside the marriage and this is a fine example of that.

I think there will always be exceptions to that and there may be instances where engaging with someone outside a marriage and discovering a sense that someone is engaging and funny and good to be around can give them a completely different perspective on themselves. Either that perspective helps them to renegotiate the next phase of their marriage in a different way (as briefly discussed in the video that whycantwegoonasthreee highlighted up thread) or it can cement that it is time for a parting of the ways.

In the case I have in mind, it was reconnecting with a (gay) friend from university days that transformed someone's view of herself. She'd lost track of what was acceptable within a marriage and it had warped her view of herself because she was in a coercive relationship (as she now realises in retrospect) and had found herself isolated from friends, family etc..

They are amazing social and emotional supports to each other and share a lot of interests.

Is this an emotional affair? I don't know but it has transformed her life.

OP, you want to hang on to him to have the future you imagined you would have with him. That is gone. Whatever happens with this woman, or the next woman after her, your relationship and marriage has fundamentally changed. You have learnt things about how he is prepared to hurt you and make you secondary. You have learnt things about his feelings and commitment to a woman (or women if there is another in the future) who are not you.

In making a decision about whether to stay, you need to base that decision on this new reality and future, and how you will feel living in THAT future, in THAT ' marriage', not the one you thought you would have.

It seems he has found a person that ticks all the boxes. This is not really his fault. He probably loves you as you are mother of his children and have both plodded on together over the years. It seems now he is in love and people in love want to be with that person. He probably feels completely torn I think you are a little selfish expecting him not to develop feelings for someone else...... Have you thought about looking for a companion for days out yourself? That will give you other possibilities and something to do that might help you feel better.... I think your husband has been fairly decent and seems very honest.

Well, he's a prize.

This isn't an 'open marriage' at all. It's a man taking exactly what he wants, two women dancing attendance on his every whim, having his cake and eating it. Why would he want all the upheaval of changing his life? He's having a great time!

This isn't the same thing as forgiving an affair that's over, which in some circumstances (although I can't imagine what), it might be possible to do. He's carrying it on under your nose because he sees the 'agreement' as having given him carte blanche. He doesn't seem to give a shit as to how this makes you feel.

For me there's only one response, but you're determined on a different course and would still like advice on 'how' (not if) you cope with this. I'm sorry, because I know this has to hurt. But if your decision truly is taken, the only possible response to that is 'on your head be it'.

Sorry you are going through this op.
I think you have to question why he’s staying in the marriage if he loves her.
Is he happy with the status quo of looking married? He doesn’t want to upset you, your kids or the rest of the family by separating?
Is it because she doesn’t want to break away from her own partner and be in a relationship solely with your Dh? If she does suddenly want him to herself - will he leave you?
At the moment he has the societal tick of a seemingly happy marriage and gets to see this woman when he wants and how he wants. Things could change at any time though.
You need to find out why he wants to stay married

I did ask about her but DH said “no details. remember” which is what we agreed and have stuck to.

What about "no dating, remember" which is also what you agreed and he has definitely not stuck to.

Honestly OP, he knows that he can do whatever the hell he likes and you will let him.

No wonder he wants to stay in the marriage. It gives him stability, security, comfort - all the things that you don't have.

He is taking you for a mug.

Rotten situation. I think you’re just prolonging the agony by staying with him. You need to divorce him. You’re going to end up even more hurt than you are now

Tis a pickle op, and I can understand how some people say it's not usually the business that makes the difference, it's the emotional aspect. Overall would.you be better preparing for divorce but hope for the best ?

Has he bothered to confirm if she is someone you know?

Right you are then. You are staying, and he 'is hanging around on occasion for now and long term may or may not stay, but says he is at present'.
Thing is, if you were happy about it, you would not have needed to post. But it's tolerable, you may get to a point where it's less tolerable. Probably when he spends most nights and days out of work with her, stops wanting to do anything with you - have you been out together lately. Next to go will be holidays, because he will be on getaways with her and in effect spending family money on doing things with her.
List the things you like about staying with him despite the situation. Then, keep an eye on that list, mark them off as they no longer feature. At some point you may rarely see him, and the list will become empty, then you can decide if you are going to carve your own path. Till then, it does sound like a death by a thousand cuts situation, if you are ok with that, it's your choice. I think you will find that he will end before all that though.

Can't imagine this happening over covid

He knows he is hurting you and will not stop. This is abusive. He may as well be physically punching you in the gut.

Nobody here would ever tell anybody how to accept and live with an abusive partner.

I think you need counselling to bolster your self-esteem.

OP I've been thinking about this and a few things come to mind.
Firstly, when sex stopped, arguably, you broke your marriage contract (which is entirely your prerogative, as I said in my previous reply) but by not wanting sex, you plunged your DH into a sexless marriage, against his will. That put him in a very difficult situation - remain celibate when he didn't want to be or leave. He chose to stay I presume for financial and children reasons but you had pushed him into a corner.

It took two years before either of you broached the subject of no sex. How do you think he felt during that time? Rejected. Unloved. Undesired. Confused - what should he do?
He then suggested an open marriage. I wonder whether at that point he was hoping you would refuse and kick start your sexual relationship with him. Your agreement to him seeking sex outside of the marriage may well have left him feeling rejected, unloved, undesired.
The fact he has developed a new relationship rather than just having casual sex, I will say again, is a good sign. It shows that he sees women as people rather than just holes for pleasure. Sex isn't just about the physical act. It's about feeling desired and adored, about sharing intimacy and ultimately expressing love to a partner through your body.
You are denying him all of that whereas the OW is giving all of that.
I'm not really sure why you are a) so surprised that a new relationship has developed and b) thinking the marriage can continue, unless you are prepared to work on your sexual desires towards him.
The fact he says he doesn't want to leave is worrying - now he is taking the piss and taking advantage of you but I suspect he's too scared to tell you it's over. He does need to grow a backbone in my opinion and decide what he's going to do. However, you can make the decision yourself and keep your dignity.
I think you need to accept that your marriage is over, he has found new love and your cosy status quo has come to an end. I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean to be unkind but the sooner you accept this and move on, the sooner you'll heal.