Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

@Lockdownbear

Op I really feel for you. It sounds like you've been married a very long time. And it's a lot to walk away from that.

He doesn't want to end the marriage either.

I think you should consider couple councilling. Because what's currently happening is hurting you and will result in the end of the marriage.

Try and get the spark back into your marriage. If that means booking a date in a hotel then do it.

Her DH is too busy having everything his own way. I'm not convinced if OP made him choose it would be OP. However as I said I would call it a day if I was OP.

[quote whycantwegoonasthree]@PhillyQueen - "no details" isn't working though is it. If you want to explore the possible ways forward from here you're going to have to start communicating openly with each other.

No decisions without information, is a pretty good mantra.

You currently don't have any, so how can you possibly know what you want to do next?

And if your DH is trying to avoid a difficult conversation then you need to point out that that's just not an option any more. [/quote]
I respect your experience is that you can't, because you've had a bad time before, but I wish you could have a thread about this where it would be easier to have a conversation about the topic without judgment and outside the context of OP 's situation and distress.

I feel sad for the OP but she sounds resigned ti the fact she is willing to be in this position so there is nothing more to really say. He is a lucky man!

No..You are not going to grow old together. An arrangement like you made will never last. If the other person feels the same then they wouldn't want him remaining married and in this situation. Even if not this one...there will be someone else.

@TimeToDateAgain Eh?

You need to speak to him fully and openly OP. Maybe have counselling.
If you were happy with set up you wouldn’t be posting here. It will eat away at you.
So many issues - if he’s openly dating her it’s only a matter of time until he’s seen by a friend or family. What will you say if they tell you he’s having an affair?
If it’s long term for them is it going to escalate to holidays away etc.
If she’s with him then she’ll presumably visit in hospital if he’s ill and want to be at funeral.
It’s not just you it’s your family to consider. The fall out could be awful.

An open marriage would be a complete no for me, but even I know that falling for someone is a risk that you take with open marriages. I'm not remotely surprised that this has happened and I'm surprised that you're surprised.

This sounds like the end of your marriage.

Chances are she doesn’t feel the same and he knows it, that’s why he’s happy to remain in the marriage and have his fantasy life in the side. Realistically, the relationship probably wouldn’t have legs outside of the current parameters.
You have two choices, stay and live with the knowledge of what’s going on. It won’t be easy but can be done, just ensure that you fill your time with things you want to do outside of the marriage so you’re not constantly concerned about what he’s up to with her.
Second choice, which you know already- leave the marriage start a new independent life.

I just want to know how I can deal with it, not if

OP - although it's not something that you chose, I wonder if some of the input to this thread has nudged you towards considering a polyamory or similar framework for your relationship in the future?

If so, it would seem very important to consult a counsellor who is experienced with such relationships if you would like to establish a working agreement with your DH (and possibly his companion).

The physical and emotional pain will subside from your sense of betrayal that your original agreement has been broken. (I'm annoyed on your behalf that he unilaterally broke some of it but is steadfastly upholding it when you want to breach the no details part with a view to understanding where you are. That doesn't sit well if he is the sole arbiter of this.)

Can you talk this through with someone who will hear you through as to what you want and how to facilitate the conversations to negotiate this with the several parties? (If the OW has a partner, it's unknown if that person would wish to be involved.)

I couldn't stay with someone knowing they were possibly in love with someone else. This must be very hard for you, but I think you need to talk to him about them and find out what's going on so you know where you stand.

PhillyQueen I have sympathy for you ,TBH a chap over 60 with a younger woman interested in him sexually would be very unlikely to give her up! , Open marriages rarely work out ,as many people will fall in love with a sexual partner .You say how much you dislike the thought of them together and it hurts to see them "out of bed" as it were .The fact is this is all about him! what if the OW wants a Long term RL? or became pregnant.He is like a lot of married guys still clinging to his long and comfy marriage ,but wanting sex on the side! I understand how hard it is for older women to be alone after so long ,but many have done it and lived to tell the tale.Do you have friends in RL you could confide in? interests maybe get a dog .They are wonderful company .ATM your happiness is resting on someone else and that is not good for you .

I think the ‘open’ relationship you agreed to is almost irrelevant in this case. Your husband is in love with someone else, that would be a deal breaker for me, I couldn’t live with it because it would eat me up
Inside. I’d rather be alone. If you’re not ok with it I’m not sure anyone will be able to offer much advice as to how you can live with it, I’m not sure you can change your feelings. You’re incompatible sexually, I’m not sure it’s much different to being incompatible for any other reason, ultimately it means the relationship isn’t providing what you both need

This just highlights to me sex isn't just a physical act. It comes with feelings and emotional investment. As someone who has been deprived of sex (username is apt) in a marriage it has made me feel totally unloved and disconnected from my husband and that to me just isn't a marriage .

@deeni

Shocker.

My thoughts exactly… who’d have predicted that

He’s really having his cake and eating it, isn’t he?

Why is it all upon you to accept this, OP? Time to be a bit more hard-headed. Make sure you are financially protected, because this marriage may well end whether you want it or not.

I'm sorry you're shocked by this, OP, it was a hellish risky thing to do and it's not possible to expect either party not to fall in love. It's happened.

I don't believe that he will want to continue the marriage long term because why would he? If the other woman is single then he can get all he needs from the new relationship. Posters saying that he's cake-eating aren't seeing this from what really happened which was that you and he agreed to see other people. That is then what happened.

I agree that intimacy is important in a relationship and when it's not there, the marriage as it was, is at risk. Affairs happen. That's what's happened here albeit it was introduced knowingly.

If this were my position - as either of you - I would want to end the marriage because now that a third person has been inserted into it, there's nothing meaningful about it anymore.

I hope you have the time and space you need to work out the best solution for you, OP, and that your husband gives you this.

I do believe many people don't leave an unhappy marriage until they have someone or something else come along, shining a light on a potential happier place that might exist. Until then, many people are just stuck in unhappy compromises and feel forced to compartmentalise their needs

This in spades. I'm in my 50s and there's loads of people in unhappy marriages either open ones, having illicit sex or wishing they were. Leaving an established marriage is never that easy for some people and usually finances and/or children keep them together.

I suspect the open marriage bit just kicked the can of divorce further down the road. He obvs doesn't want to be sexless forever and that's fine. I do think now he likes this woman he either shouldn't have told you or just leave. It's the confessing all and then not wanting to leave bit that's cruel. Maybe he's trying to push you into divorcing him so he doesn't have to be the baddie.
If you have the finances to go think you should and make a less emotionally fucked up life for yourself.

OP people who have a low libido or simply don't enjoy sex, often see sex as 'penis in vagina' and don't see the big deal. For others sex is more than penis in vagina, it's an intimacy you can only have with that particular person. In addition, hormones are released that bond you to that person.

I'm sure you did everything you could before telling your husband that he could sleep around because that is such a huge risk to take. If you love someone, how can you stand back and watch him fall in love with someone? Doesn't make sense to me. I'd be devastated.

You could be right and it could be infatuation or limerence which happens at the beginning of a relationship, but the more time they spend together, the more their feelings will grow and your husband has said that he doesn't want to end the relationship - you're in a real pickle OP.

Both of you suffer from have your cake and eat it. You thought you could 'allow' your spouse to have penis in vagina with someone else and assumed he loved you too much to have feelings for someone else. Arrogance in other words. He now wants his cake and to eat it by keeping his creature comforts and his mistress. He doesn't think you'll leave him OP and it sounds like you won't.

If you don't want to leave, then settle back for a bumpy ride as you watch your husband in the vagaries of love. He may get over it or he might leave you. I suggest you get some counselling as you'll need to the support.

Sorry maybe I’m missing something here - but I really don’t understand all the posters blaming the OP’s husband in this matter? OP agreed to an open marriage, it was all ok with her until this point. Sex was non-existent, the joint consensus of both partners. The DH is to be blamed for finding he has feelings for someone he’s engaged with sexually after being given OP’s blessing to go elsewhere. And OP is dismayed to find out there’s a deeper attraction, which isn’t his fault.

Can someone explain to me why he’s the villain in this? I think both partners are victims of a self-imposed circumstance - the answer is not to roll out the whole “men are cheating bastards” line but to help OP understand that this was almost an inevitable outcome for either one of them or both of them, and to move on.

@PhillyQueen

I am not sure you will get much advice that is helpful for you here. Partially it’s because of the way you phrased you post. But also because you are in a non-traditional setup and most people can’t relate to it.

To me it seems that you issue stems from your open marriage veering into poly-amory space. And you struggling with it.
In parallel - I also think you and your H went into the open marriage space without proper understanding of boundaries, or at least without discussing of what ifs.

I think that unless you two reconnect and communicate better you will end up quite unhappy and resentful. And it seems that your H either doesn’t understand it, or doesn’t care. (Hoping it’s the former)
It also seems that you have a dynamic where your voice doesn’t carry the same weight as his. So - he can refer to the past agreements of ‘no questions asked’ - and you for some reason can’t envoke ‘but we agreed it was only sex, not a parallel relationship’… Why do you think that is?

The positive here is that he doesn’t seem to want to end a relationship. He probably realised himself that there is only a short window of time where a much younger woman woeful find him attractive. But the upheaval of divorce isn’t appealing to him.
Why not use that to your advantage, OP?

Tell him your relationship needs a bit of ‘tune up’. Find a good relationship counsellor and try to use the sessions to convey your feelings and fears. I do think your H actually loves you, but you are in this non-traditional arrangement that is tricky. He needs to find a way to make sure you do not continuously fear you’ll lose him to that other woman.

@Ori3

Sorry maybe I’m missing something here - but I really don’t understand all the posters blaming the OP’s husband in this matter? OP agreed to an open marriage, it was all ok with her until this point. Sex was non-existent, the joint consensus of both partners. The DH is to be blamed for finding he has feelings for someone he’s engaged with sexually after being given OP’s blessing to go elsewhere. And OP is dismayed to find out there’s a deeper attraction, which isn’t his fault.

Can someone explain to me why he’s the villain in this? I think both partners are victims of a self-imposed circumstance - the answer is not to roll out the whole “men are cheating bastards” line but to help OP understand that this was almost an inevitable outcome for either one of them or both of them, and to move on.

Not only did she agree, she suggested it!!

Go and fuck other women, but don't get feelings, like they are a usable throwaway object.

Well of course he wants to be with you and the other lady.

Talk about having his cake and eating it.

But dont you think it's been about him long enough op? This whole set up has worked in his favour of his wants and needs.

What do YOU want op? Because you've already made it clear you wont be happy with this set up. He has betrayed you. Dont down play that because you have had an open relationship.

People can still cheat in an polygamous relationship

He'll stay in the marriage for as long as it suits his Other Woman. She's in control now, not the OP. She'll decide what the future holds. If she snaps her fingers, the husband might then go running but for now, he has everything he needs. A wife he doesn't have to have sex with, take care of, respect or value with all the sex and romance on the side.

OP, the best way to deal with this is start preparing for if he leaves. For now it's suitable for him to stay in the marriage as divorce is costly, inconvenient and, while he's got you as a permanent back up option, unnecessary to him. But your plans for a happy retirement and travel are unrealistic. He'll enjoy his retirement and holidays with his sexy women. If this one breaks his heart, you'll be left dealing with his misery and depression until he finds another woman to enjoy. And the cycle will begin again.

Hey, I'm the one who wrote the one word answer, and I'm sorry: I realised I was in a snarky mood last night and thought I'd closed the app instead of posting. I feel awful if I made you feel even worse last night OP and I apologise. Hope you find some useful support here

Sex builds intimacy. Unless your husband paid for sex, he would struggle to find many partners who were just up for for one night stands without the promise of more.

I'm sorry. What do you think you will do?