Open marriage has gone wrong 😑

[PhillyQueen]

Name change for this as previous posts may be outing.

Sex life with DH dried up completely about 8 years ago. It was never stellar but that didn’t seem particularly important to either of us . Our relationship was otherwise perfect, he is a fine person and a great dad to our (now adult) kids and we used to have sex at most weekly, then over the years went to fortnightly and monthly until it tailed off altogether. Neither of us seemed bothered and it wasn’t a big deal and I just assumed that’s what happened in long-term relationships. Life was good even if any passion was long-gone. We have both always had our own friends as well as mutual ones, we both run businesses, we were busy but always looked forward to time together.

After the sex stopped altogether, we avoided the subject for a couple of years then we had the conversation where we both agreed that we wanted to stay together as we love each other but that DH didn’t want to give up that part of his life forever and that if it wasn’t possible with me, he would like to look elsewhere and would prefer to do it with my blessing. So, good idea or not, we had an open marriage policy for a few years and it seemed to work well. It was reciprocal but I wasn’t up for it with anyone , not just him, I’ve never been very sexual. Even though he had a couple of brief affairs, nothing changed with our family life and I was happy enough knowing we could carry on as we were. All good. Not a perfect love story but a practical way of keeping things going, which is what we both wanted.

Only now things have changed. He has met someone he really likes, by his own admission even loves, and I am worried he is going to leave me and our life for her. She is younger than us and very attractive. If I were standing next to her, I would look like her grandmother. He is absolutely smitten with her and for the first time, I feel our marriage is truly in danger.

I feel that DH has violated the terms of our agreement for an open marriage and should stop seeing this woman but he has said he won’t do that, that she makes him happy, and that we agreed that we could both see other people etc. so it’s me that’s being unreasonable. Falling in love with someone else was never part of the deal I agreed to, though.

So what can I do? Grit my teeth and bear it and hope they break up? Or ask him again to stop seeing her otherwise our marriage will have to end?

Sounds like you thought the open marriage would be just sex for him, and he's taken it as an opportunity to build a relationship with someone. There's a big difference between simply having sex with someone and having a loving relationship with someone.

I can understand why you're upset with this as you feel he's gone outside of the agreed parameters, but did you actually sit down and agree these boundaries?

At the moment your dh has said he won't stop seeing this woman. So you have 2 choices, stay and watch him have two relationships, you being one of them, or leave.

@deeni

Shocker.

Do you feel better now?🙄

I think your DH has been disrespectful in not being more discreet about his feelings for this woman - if he hadn’t been mooning over messages and acting like a love-sick puppy then you could have carried on as you were - assuming he has no plans to try and make a go of it with the other woman.
Of course ‘feelings’ can be expected when your DH meets and has sex with another woman, that’s only natural and possibly naive to think that wouldn’t happen. But, the chemistry/love he feels for this woman doesn’t have to diminish the love he feels for you. It is very possible to be romantically in love with two people and with no plans to change the dynamics of the set up.
I should know, I am your DH in my own marriage. I love my DH, we have a loving life together, but no sex, this was largely his decision and not a path I thought I would walk as I am a very sexual person. I have a DP outside of my marriage who I love very much and he loves me right back. (DP is also married and loves his wife dearly too) Do I want to be with DP full-time, no. Do I enjoy his company and enjoy non-sex activities, yes. Am I going to blow up my marriage over this - no. The main difference I see is that in order to be respectful to my DH I have to be discreet, so no mooning over text messages, no making it obvious how much I enjoy my DP, I don’t want my DH hurting or sad the way you are.
If I were you I’d have a chat with DH and just explain that the way he’s going about this is making you feel insecure and jealous, could he please be more discreet and thoughtful. I wouldn’t enjoy an ultimatum from my DH and if it came to that I would feel really resentful towards him. There are lots of ways to love people, more than one person at a time even, so I wouldn’t necessarily worry too much about that aspect, but DH really does need to think about your feelings and protect you more than he has been doing.
And for those posters who think a marriage with no sex is no marriage at all - not every single aspect of married life will be 100% compatible. I am not a companion or a flat mate, I am a loving wife who shares a life with their DH, we just don’t happen to have sex, it doesn’t make us ‘less than’ and I know plenty of couples who have little-to-no intimacy but aren’t just going to chuck the baby away with the bath water over one aspect that doesn’t function. There are worse things in a marriage than a lack of sex - also been there in the past.

How many of the things that you value about your relationship are actually still happening? Do you still relax together, plan for your retirement etc? Are you still getting what you need out of the relationship?

If he stays (and I think it is a big if) is the travelling going to happen in the way you imagined? Were you thinking that by the time he retires he would be past wanting a sex life? What if he doesn't want to go away for long because of a sexual partner at home or is looking for sex while you are travelling?

I think you need to be investing in creating a future without him. Find a travel companion (male or female), find ways to detach from him whilst still married so that if he stays you don't get so hurt, and if he goes it's not quite as traumatic. You may find that the new life you create for yourself is more attractive than the future you were expecting to have.

When he leaves , don't blame him having an affair when you tell your children.

@Billben, Deeni is only saying in a word what others are taking longer, often much longer to say. I'd prefer her response to the essays others have indulged themselves in. And do you feel better, with your scolding, do you? I keep having to say this, just who do you think you are?

And the the frankly idiotic emojis? Are you so i articulate that you need them? Like an adolescent?

@PhillyQueen if you issue the ultimatum and he stays.
Will he still be able to go and have sex.
Will you look in to why you don't like sex and try to rectify that.

If you want him to stay in the marriage you are both going to have to work on it.

You can't expect him to stay in a sexless marriage.

He's agreed to an open situation and has found someone who is younger but ok with that? She might just want a long term fuck buddy, but chances are she wants more than that. Protect your children's future and cut financial ties with him before he creates a damaging financial situation for you.

I am surprised you put so much faith in your “deal” with him and didn’t have a plan for this eventuality.
I don’t think I could stomach staying with him on tenterhooks as to whether it fizzles out or goes from strength to strength and the fact you haven’t asked details such as her marital status is probably your instincts shielding you from what sounds to me like imminent divorce.

OP you do realise what you envisaged for your DH is actually very misogynistic. You're saying your husband can use another woman for sex but isn't "allowed" to be loving towards her. You're effectively barring her from getting anything enjoyable or pleasant from the interaction with your DH, no events, no memories just a quick bit of sex and off home to you.

That's deeply unpleasant. There is another sentient human-being involved in this, you know.

He had told you.He loves her.What else do you want to hear?.Your ultimatum cant stop him feeling what he feels..It is what it is.
I wouldnt want to live with a man who has confessed to being in love with someone else.Whats the point?.Just break up and set him free.You both can still be good friends .

I totally agree with daisychain01

It struck me as very sad @Woolwichgirl 😢

I don't know about going against your open marriage agreement, marriage vows don't include a clause for having sex with someone else. As for,sex goes stale after years,been with my DH nearly 33. It's fine if you both agree it's not an important part of your life anymore. Both our previous husband,/wife cheated and we both agreed that would be the Finnish. Of course he now wants to have his cake and eat it. Cut your losses

[quote midsomermurderess]@Billben, Deeni is only saying in a word what others are taking longer, often much longer to say. I'd prefer her response to the essays others have indulged themselves in. And do you feel better, with your scolding, do you? I keep having to say this, just who do you think you are?[/quote]
Oh, the irony 😂😂😂 No, I don’t feel better. I just keep shaking my head for some people having no compassion at all.
And as for you having to keep saying who do you think you are? 😂😂😂 Do you honestly think any adult takes you seriously when you ask them this question?

I think MN is not the right forum for your problem. I appreciate you might not want to talk friends about it, but I would recommend speaking to a psychologist. You can do it now via zoom if finding one locally is a problem. It will help to clear your own mind.
However first of all you need to confirm where do you stand. You have an open marriage, you should be able to have an open conversation. Personally Open marriage not my cup of tea, but in your shoes I would ask him 2 direct questions otherwise you will continue to worry.

1. what is the situation with the woman. Is she in relationship and if he thinks she doesn't want more from their set up. If he is not sure then she is likely to want more.
2. ask him directly what does he want. Don't bite his head of he doesn't want, it was a risk you took with this set up, but you need to have this conversation. I wouldn't necessarily write off your marriage. It might be he is falling in love, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and wants a divorce. Once you know where your DH stands and the lady involved stands you can start assessing what do YOU want

In the first post you asked what to do. Then later you said that you want to stay married.

So in that case you do nothing and put up with it.

The agreement was just sex, no dating (other than maybe an initial meeting) and no overnights

As others have said, you just can't put demands like this on parametres of one person's relationship with another.

You often hear on here people blithely saying of those in a sexless marriage, oh have sex with someone else, Or, he needed to discuss with you if he could have sex with someone else, rather than having an affair. But people do develop feelings for people they have sexual relationships with. And what's more, the affair partner is not just a sperm receptacle, she has her own thoughts and feelings and motivations and is likely to get hurt.

If someone can't stay in a sexless relationship I really feel the best thing to do is end that relationship.

@daisychain01

OP you do realise what you envisaged for your DH is actually very misogynistic. You're saying your husband can use another woman for sex but isn't "allowed" to be loving towards her. You're effectively barring her from getting anything enjoyable or pleasant from the interaction with your DH, no events, no memories just a quick bit of sex and off home to you.

That's deeply unpleasant. There is another sentient human-being involved in this, you know.

This! This is my problem with the whole ' oh just let them get sex someone else!' brigade.

You didn't want sex with your husband, but wanted the comfort of your home and life and husband.

You wanted him to just fuck someone else, to get it out his system and then come back to you

But he wanted intimacy and sex, and fell for her and now he is in love.

You thought it was easy to separate the two and now your angry that it isn't that simple.

FGS divorce him so he can go and be happy, if not with her with someone who is 100%

*I also don't understand why you're upset about the romance being a change of the terms when he only began having this sex because you changed the terms of his marriage?

You can't insist that he lives happily as if he was your brother when he entered into the marriage as your husband*

This. Of course at some point he was going to end up with a bond other than ‘just sex’ with one of these women, as it sounds like he deeply desires a proper fulfilling relationship (Having said that, you don’t know what the OW wants yet)

Really just sounds like it’s time for an amicable divorce. He loves another woman. And if he hadn’t had this green light he might have fallen in love with someone else anyway if your marriage already wasn’t working out for him.

Oh, you can't pick and choose the bits you like and not engage in the rest, that's not how marriage works

Loads younger, gross. What on earth does she want with him?

OP, it seems like your husband has been setting a lot of terms and that there is no mutual agreement on any of this. He basically presented it to you as a take it or leave it kind of deal.

The reason he does not want to divorce you at the moment is because he has a very comfortable arrangement with you. The house is nice and he has all his creature comfotrs with you. You didn't say, but I would not be surprised if you did a lot more taking care of things and of him than the other way around.

He would never leave you without having some sort of alternative. If he thinks this woman will provide what you do now, expect divorce papers soon. If he things the comfortable home only comes from you he will just keep dating her and keep you as the "idiot wife" looking after him.

In short, I think your husband is a pig. He wanted an open marriage or he would cheat on you. That's basically what he told you. Now he is dating this much younger woman, which is really inappropriate and an insult to you.

Please, stop being his live-in nurse-maid. Walk away and enjoy the rest of your life either on your own of with someone who actually treats you the way you deserve to be treated.